The Unofficial Hobbit Handbook

by Peter Archer

  Seating and Accommodations

  It’s a good idea to have plenty of seating and extra beds (or couches that can double as beds). Offering a seat is the first kindness a host should be prepared to extend. And one never knows when one might need to entertain guests overnight or for an extended time. You may want to investigate such options as hideaway beds, futons, or built-in seating along windows—there are plenty of ingenious ideas for maximizing space that would allow you to accommodate even a troupe of treasure-hunting dwarves, though why you would want to do that, one cannot imagine.

  The Den

  Your den should be cozy with plenty of seating, as you will likely do most of your entertaining here. For hobbits, the focal point of the den is usually the hearth. Hobbits might entertain guests by singing a song or reading a poem by the fireplace.

  In today’s world, too often the main living room is also the room where humans keep a television. Guests are often plopped down in front of the tube, and before you know it, everyone is sucked in and no one is talking. Is that really quality time with your guests? Instead, consider entertaining like a hobbit might and engaging your guests in conversation and games. Designate a room without a television (or where the television is hidden in a cabinet) for entertaining guests. You’ll find the time you spend with your guests much more enjoyable and memorable.

  The Study or Library

  Hobbits love to read, write, and spend quiet time in their studies. A study or library where one keeps shelves of books, a desk, and important documents is a valuable room to have. A comfortable study is a wonderful place for private conversations or for conducting business. It can also serve as a nice change of location if you want to add some variety to a party. You might have your guests retire to the study for a glass of brandy after dinner.

  Sleeping Chambers

  Bedrooms should be kept neat, clean, and organized. Always keep the beds made and refresh the linens on a regular basis whether you have company or not (it keeps the beds fresh, for one thing). Other nice touches include keeping a current magazine or an intriguing book on the nightstand. Hobbits always think of the little things, and so should you.

  The Bath

  Hobbits pride themselves on cleanliness, both of home and of person. One’s bathroom should always be kept clean and presentable. Change towels frequently and always make sure you have extra ones for guests. Taking the initiative to quickly tidy your bathroom each day and do a quick spot cleaning will make a world of difference. You’ll not only be ready for unexpected visitors, you’ll improve your own quality of life.

  The Kitchen

  For a hobbit, the kitchen is the most important room in the house. (Actually, that’s probably true for anyone, human and halfling alike. Just ask yourself where your guests gravitate whenever you have a party. Odds are they end up standing around in the kitchen with a frothy beverage in hand.)

  A hobbit’s kitchen is small and neatly organized, but packed full of useful items: pots, pans, spoons, bowls, plates, cups, and saucers. Everything is within quick reach, but somehow kept neatly. Some may call it organized clutter, but a hobbit kitchen is a place where one can easily find whatever is needed. Hobbits usually have a cellar for storing wine, beer, and other items that keep, but most of their ingredients—flour, grains, butter, eggs, fresh vegetables—are kept in a nearby larder. They keep a close watch on their food and rotate their perishables constantly. Nothing has a chance to go bad in a hobbit’s kitchen.

  Versatility and coziness makes a hobbit kitchen a warm and inviting room where guests enjoy spending time. Guests often pitch in with the cooking and everyone enjoys the food preparation nearly as much as the eating. If you follow the hobbit kitchen example, entertaining your guests might be as easy as handing them a cold beer and inviting them to help you start dinner.

  The Garden

  While you may think that the inside of your home is what counts, it’s a good idea to keep your flower beds and lawn manicured, lest the community begin to think ill of you. Having a well-tended garden will help give the outside of your home an inviting appearance. Your neighbors will be impressed and think highly of you, and any guests you entertain will develop a favorable impression before you even invite them inside (which you should do immediately, by the way).

  And besides, gardening is a joy—who doesn’t love nature? Nature is a wonderful thing, as long as you have a comfortable home to go back to and you’re not off somewhere on an awful adventure, sleeping outdoors. Having a well-kept garden and raising some vegetables is a worthwhile undertaking. Being outside, tending the earth, and watching things grow helps to cultivate calmness and peace of mind. In fact, Samwise Gamgee, who accompanied Frodo Baggins on his quest to throw the Ring of Power into the fires of Mount Doom, was a gardener. The meditative nature of gardening likely contributed to Sam’s optimism and patience, which helped him support Frodo on such a dreadful undertaking.

  On Entertaining Guests

  One should count oneself lucky to have visitors! A visit from someone for a spot of tea or a quick morsel of seed-cake can be the bright spot of any day. Guests should always be held in the highest regard and treated with the proper decorum. A hobbit takes his duty to the well-being of his guests very seriously. One should make a guest feel welcome, with hearty greetings and plentiful refreshments.

  In our own lives, we far too often take the easy path and eat out at a local restaurant or tavern. We avoid entertaining in the home, opting instead for a quick happy hour at the local pub (actually, that sounds like a valid choice when thinking like a hobbit). But having visitors can be a great pleasure, despite the work involved. Consider storing a few extra bottles of wine, stocking some beer or soda, and keeping some snacks on hand, and soon you’ll be entertaining in grand hobbit style. Remember to always keep your ice trays full, and form the habit of offering a little something whenever someone stops by. Your friends will think you very resourceful and will appreciate your generous hospitality.

  Welcoming Guests

  Never keep a guest waiting on the doorstep. Make sure to invite them in quickly and offer to take their coats, hats, cloaks, hoods, or outer garments of choice. Offer them a place to sit straightaway—a guest’s comfort should be your utmost concern.

  Next, offer refreshments. If it is a quick visit, tea and cakes are usually appropriate. If the visit is a lengthy one or if it is close to a mealtime, invite the guest to join you for the meal.

  In the case that the visit isn’t a social one, but instead a matter of business, you may wait until after matters have been discussed to offer refreshment.

  The Host’s Duty

  Hobbits are highly concerned with making their guests feel wanted. Even when Bilbo found his home filled with dwarves who were seeking adventure, of all things, he did his best to entertain them.

  As a host, one should always offer guests the first choice of all refreshments. In the unfortunate instance that there isn’t enough for everyone, the host should politely do without, making excuses of having had a rather large second breakfast. This may be a difficult sacrifice; however, be careful not to show disappointment. Look to your duties and be gracious.

  Overnight Guests

  When one has overnight guests, make every attempt to provide proper accommodations. If possible, guests should have a room of their own, even if the host has to give up his own room and sleep on the couch.

  Be sure to provide fresh bed linens, towels, washcloths, and a bottle of water or designated tumbler for drinking water.

  Passersby

  One should greet folks passing by with a hearty “Good Morning” (or “Good Afternoon” or “Good Evening,” depending on the time of day). Small talk about the weather is recommended, especially if it is a fine day. Offer the person a spot of tea or a pipe of whatever leaf you’re smoking. Nothing can complement a fine day more than sharing in life’s little pleasures.

  Greeting strangers is more than just a kindness; you never know who a stranger may tu
rn out to be. The day Bilbo met Gandalf, he was simply enjoying a nice morning when the wizard happened by. Bilbo greeted him kindly, though he suspected Gandalf capable of mischief, which he was, of course. But in the end they became the best of friends.

  Unexpected Guests

  When an unexpected guest drops by for a visit, one should do one’s best to make them feel welcome and comfortable. Invite them to sit and offer them whatever refreshments you have on hand.

  Unwelcome Guests

  In the case of an unwelcome guest, it is still important to uphold your duty as host. Though you are in a difficult position, you should remain pleasant and cordial. It is still advisable to make time for a polite conversation and offer refreshment. Anything less would be rude.

  When Guests Overstay Their Welcome

  Hobbits have an interesting approach to dealing with guests who stay longer than what is considered a reasonable time (for hobbits this is more than a month; as a human, it’s considerably less). Hobbits rarely ask someone to leave. Instead, when a guest shows no signs of leaving, a hobbit will inform them that they are now a member of the household and begin to assign them household duties.

  You may want to employ this tactic with guests who stay too long. You’ll likely find that it works like a charm, and they’ll be looking for somewhere else to go rather quickly.

  When Approached by a Solicitor

  Even when dealing with solicitors you should employ a measure of politeness and decorum. Thank them for extending their gracious offer, even if it is something as deplorable as being involved in an adventure. After thanking them, you may decline their kind offer and wish them “Good Day.”

  Being a Guest

  Hobbits are generally careful to be good guests. They are considerate of their host and try to employ all of their good manners lest they damage their reputation. To impose upon one’s host is a terrible social blunder.

  From time to time one may have the occasion to be a guest either in someone’s home or in a setting such as a gathering, party, or outing. It is of the utmost importance to conduct oneself in such a manner as to be the sort of guest that a host is glad to see and welcomes with open arms.

  Invitations and RSVPs

  Upon receiving an invitation to a gathering or special occasion, one should make every attempt to respond as soon as possible. It is rude to keep your host guessing how many will attend her affair. It should go without saying that one should always remember to thank the host for extending the invitation, whether you accept or decline.

  Arriving on Time

  One should make every attempt to arrive at an occasion near the appointed time. To arrive early may interrupt your host’s attempts to make final preparations and may cause them undue stress. Arriving late in order to make a grand entrance shows a disregard for your host’s position as the center of attention and is, quite simply, rude.

  Gift for the Host

  Hobbits always try to bring along a small token of thanks for their host, be it a bottle of wine or a freshly baked loaf of bread. Human or halfling, it’s always a good idea to bring a little something along to show your appreciation for being invited.

  Staying Overnight

  On the occasion that one stays overnight, one should respect the host’s personal routine and make every effort to adhere to their schedule, retiring for the evening and rising in the morning at their usual time. You may be unaccustomed to keeping their hours, but make an attempt so you don’t disrupt your host’s day-to-day life. You are a guest, after all.

  Extended Stays

  In the event that one is staying with a host for a longer period of time, one should offer to help with any household chores: cleaning, tidying, or preparing meals. One should be careful not to overstay one’s welcome. Watch for signs that your welcome may be wearing thin. It’s better to leave early and express regrets if you notice your host is tiring of your company, though, any good host will undoubtedly make every attempt to hide it.

  Social Behavior

  Society is very important to hobbits. They love feeling like they are part of a community and spend much of their time visiting friends and neighbors, participating in Shire events, and socializing. Naturally, they dedicate a great deal of thought and energy to practicing proper etiquette.

  Hobbits take behavior and decorum very seriously. The way one conducts oneself in public or in the company of others is crucial to maintaining one’s reputation. Being humble, gracious, and courteous are signs of good character.

  Keeping Appointments

  Hobbits take keeping appointments quite seriously. However, they are busy little folks and are prone to forgetfulness from time to time—there are so many people to visit and so many meals to prepare and enjoy, after all. Bilbo was fond of keeping an engagement tablet so that he wouldn’t forget his appointments. It’s a good idea to do the same. A handy pocket calendar will do the trick (or, being a human in the days of men, you may want to simply enter reminders on your smartphone). Just make sure you don’t miss a single commitment!

  Correspondence

  Hobbits have an affinity for writing letters. They can be very long-winded, using florid language that often verges on poetry (they enjoy poetry very much). In today’s world people often don’t take enough time to really correspond with others. They send quick e-mails, texts, or tweets. But how can you convey true emotion and sentiment using such limited mediums? Take some time once in a while to handwrite a thoughtful card or letter. It will convey more than just words and is sure to be appreciated.

  Making Speeches

  Hobbits can be long-winded. Their speeches will likely go on and on (and on) with lots of references to lineage and nods to tradition. This is probably one area of hobbit culture that you might consider an unnecessary pursuit, unless you simply love to hear yourself talk. In fact, just forget we ever mentioned it.

  Listening to Speeches

  Hobbits are very gracious listeners. When other people are speaking, they pay attention, seemingly hanging on every word (aside from elder hobbits, who often fall asleep but are excused because of their age and station in the Shire). When someone is speaking you should do your very best to be attentive—even if the person is a tiresome orator. Save your own comments, questions, or anecdotes for after they’ve finished; you’d expect to be afforded the same consideration.

  Accepting Honors or Awards

  When receiving an award or some form of recognition, hobbits consider it polite to make mention of thanks to each hobbit lineage by family name, from Bagginses to Zaragambas. One should be careful when planning an acceptance speech, so as not to show favor to one friend or family member over another. Being gracious when you accept an honor is a way to show good character, so make sure you give credit to everyone—even to those you don’t feel deserve it. Speeches are not times to make pointed remarks or to get in a dig at someone. Always take the higher path.

  Paying the Check

  When it comes to picking up the check, you can learn a lot from hobbits, who typically make a grand display of manners when it comes time to settle up at a tavern or restaurant. Everyone will offer to pay for everyone else. They can go on for hours saying things like, “No, no … it’s my turn,” or “Oh, but I believe you paid last time,” or “But you stopped by the other day with those lovely seed-cakes,” and so on. It’s important to actually remember whose turn it is. That person should pick up the tab or risk damage to his reputation. When you truly can’t remember whose turn it is, a good solution may be to order another round and preemptively pay for that round while the rest of the party works out the mystery amongst themselves. You’ll have paid your share, and your companions will be grateful for the aid you’ve provided in sorting out the dilemma—after an extra pint, everything should make perfect sense.

  Giving Gifts

  In the age of man, gift giving has gotten out of control. Holiday spending has become an obligatory source of stress. Many people often give gifts with the intention of one-u
pping each other or because they don’t want to receive a gift without having given one. In their minds, everyone must be even steven, fair and square. They don’t even realize they’re going to all this trouble for the wrong reasons. And with the senseless rush to buy presents for everyone and the temptation to exceed the value of gifts given the year before, the whole thing has escalated to a madness somewhat akin to the Battle of Helms Deep. Just ask anyone who’s ever been in a 3-mile radius of a shopping mall during the holidays. One might prefer to face a horde of rampaging orcs.

  Hobbits, on the other hand, have a more laid-back approach to gift giving. Gifts are given, but they are usually simple and thoughtful: homemade baked goods, small toys for children, or a useful item crafted by hand (a small piece of furniture, perhaps). Most important, gifts are never expected, nor are they given out of obligation.