The Unofficial Hobbit Handbook

by Peter Archer

Delivering Good News

  Hobbits love to deliver good news. Good news is usually conveyed alongside delicious food, tankards of ale, and plenty of pipeweed to go around. In order to deliver the news properly, hobbits figure that it is best to sample the ale and have a pipe or two before guests arrive, in order to achieve the proper mood and also to make sure the offerings are worthy of the occasion. Humans usually wait for everyone to arrive at their gathering before enjoying such refreshments. But why endure waiting on such a celebratory occasion? Best to make the most of it and enjoy the mood. Just make sure you have plenty of fine refreshments; your friends will be so delighted with your good news that they won’t mind that you’ve already tucked in, and will likely have no problem quickly catching up. The celebrations will be in full swing in no time.

  Delivering Bad News

  Bad news is never fun to deliver. Hobbits usually try to soften the blow by making sure there is ample comfort food, many tankards of ale, and plenty of pipeweed to go around. In order to deliver the news properly, hobbits figure that it is best to sample the ale and have a pipe or two in order to brace themselves and also to make sure the offerings might help lift dampened spirits. Humans usually wait for everyone to arrive before taking sustenance, but when dealing with bad news one may need a little something just to get through the day. Best to take the edge off so you may lend a strong shoulder to others. Just make sure you have plenty of supplies on hand; your friends won’t begrudge you sustenance under the circumstances, and given the seriousness of the situation they’ll likely have no problem catching up. The commiseration will be well underway in no time.

  Relationships and Family

  Little is more important to a hobbit than family and friends. They sing songs about the kindness and character of their ancestors. Their whole lifestyle is planned around fellowship in the community. Hobbits always think of others first and foremost.

  Friendship

  It has already been mentioned that hobbits are fiercely loyal friends. The bond of friendship is nearly as important to a hobbit as bonds with their own family. Hobbits will do almost anything for a friend, as evidenced by the way Sam, Merry, and Pippin quickly join Frodo on his ring quest in spite of the many dangers they know they will face. The hobbits had several chances to turn back or avoid battle, but each one rose to the occasion to stand alongside his friends. Anyone who can say they have a friend as loyal as a hobbit is truly blessed.

  Courtship

  Hobbits tend to marry after a courtship of at least several months—sometimes years—during which the couple engages in such respectable activities as dancing and going for walks. Hobbits exchange courting gifts, usually flowers from the male and baked goods from the female. On occasion, humans rush into marriage. The hobbits’ courtship customs are a good reminder that it’s important to allow for a lengthy engagement so that love and friendship for one’s betrothed may blossom and grow.

  Marriage

  Hobbit marriages typically occur outdoors in the spring and the entire Shire usually attends. Much like human ceremonies, the bride wears a dress (often white), while the bridegroom wears a good shirt and his very best vest. They exchange poetic vows and then have a great outdoor feast accompanied by beer, wine, singing, and dancing.

  In many ways, hobbit weddings are very much like human weddings. One notable exception is the absence of line dancing. If humans could learn one thing from hobbits, and one thing only, it might be that they should never have invented the Electric Slide.

  Raising Children

  Hobbits, with their love of family and community, are naturally wonderful parents. They are incredibly nurturing and protective of their young. Young hobbits, known as faunts, are often playful and may show an interest in mischief and adventure. This behavior is tolerated to a certain age, as hobbits hope that allowing such follies in youth will allow children to get it out of their systems early instead of going off on some foolish quest later in life. As humans often say, but just as often forget, “Kids will be kids.” Be sure to teach your kids good values, but remember that children need to play and have their fun so they can be upstanding adults when the time comes.

  Siblings

  In hobbit culture, siblings are usually very close. They’ve played together, worked the fields together, and grown up together. If hobbit friends are close, then siblings are usually even closer—often becoming business partners as they assume the family vocation. Unlike human society, you don’t see much sibling rivalry among hobbits—they know there is plenty of love and mutual respect to go around, as long as everyone carries their fair share of the load.

  Parents

  Hobbits treat their parents with the utmost respect. Young hobbits, for the most part, strive to make their parents proud. They typically work hard at learning the family trade and most assume their parents’ line of work. Later in life, as their parents age, hobbits do whatever is needed to care for their parents and to keep them comfortable and happy (hobbits tend to lead quite long lives, so the bond between parents and children is a very strong one). While humans today may live much farther away and often pursue professions outside the family trade, it is still important to keep close ties with your parents. Don’t get so caught up in your own routine that you forget to show your parents love and appreciation. We owe our parents our lives, quite literally.

  Extended Family

  Uncles, aunts, and cousins are always welcome. An unspoken standing invitation prevails among hobbit family members, and one’s home is always open to family (even distant relatives). Hobbits tend to keep close contact with members of their extended families, often designating a day of the week for an extended family gathering. They also write plenty of letters and share all of the latest news and gossip. As humans, we really have no excuse not to follow the hobbit example and keep closer contact with our families—in this day and age of the Internet and social media.

  Elders

  Elder hobbits have an important place in hobbit society. They are revered for their wise council and often serve as leaders in the community. Younger hobbits are eager to lend their elders a hand with chores, and they stop in to check on them frequently, often bringing them a loaf of freshly baked bread, a pie, or a pouch of Longbottom Leaf. Always remember, your elders have the wisdom of experience, and if you are kind to them, they’ll likely reward you with valuable advice.

  Work

  Hobbits believe in good, honest work. Favored hobbit occupations include farming, gardening, carpentry, masonry, and butchering. Hobbits love to make things with their hands and believe that items should be well prepared or well crafted, otherwise one might as well not bother. A day’s work is something one should take pride in. One should do one’s best and commit fully to the task at hand. In your own work, no matter what it is, the hobbit’s approach will serve you well. That said, hobbits also believe in taking full advantage of leisure time. One should always pause in work for the purpose of regular meals, naps, and leisurely activities.

  Leisure

  When it comes to pleasures in life, leisure comes in second only to food for hobbits. Halflings are fond of music and poetry; they enjoy singing and making up funny songs to entertain each other. They use any chance they can for celebration and love any occasion to dance. Hobbits enjoy sport and will engage in such lawn games as quoits, bowls, or ninepins. In taverns they enjoy a good game of darts.

  Music

  Hobbits enjoy music of all kinds. Most of their songs are lighthearted ditties, drinking songs, and ballads or folk songs that recount tales passed down from their ancestors. Most hobbits won’t admit it, but they also enjoy hearing songs of foreign lands, adventure, and heroes. While they shy away from adventure, they love a good tale, especially in the form of an epic ballad. The lesson hobbits give humans on music is to listen with a nonjudgmental ear and to appreciate the songs of other cultures. You’ll enjoy music all the more if you do.

  Dancing

  Dancing comes naturally to hobbits. Any
creature that goes barefoot all the time is bound to love doing a soft shoe once in a while. Hobbit dancing is typically very jolly, with lots of bouncing around and kicking of one’s feet. Hobbits dance more for fun than for expression. You won’t find a lot of artistic interpretation going on in a hobbit dance—no dark or suggestive undertones. No bumping or grinding or popping and locking. Just good clean fun. Now, doesn’t that sound nice?

  Reading

  Books are a joy to hobbits, who love to read all kinds of stories and poems, from tales of the old days to stories of the elves, many of which are full of adventure and treasure (a guilty pleasure for hobbits). Hobbits love to share books with one another, and they keep detailed records of the contents of their libraries, who they lent books to, and notes on what the reader said about the book upon returning it. For hobbits, books are more than just stories; they are treasured items to be handled, dog-eared, shared, and passed down as heirlooms.

  Today we rarely appreciate the thought and care put into the narrative. We don’t savor books and take time to consider all the experi-ences writers must have drawn upon when writing them. Books have become disposable and impermanent. Want to get the most out of life the way a hobbit would? Want to experience that authentic feeling of holding something old and treasured in your hands—sort of like a ring of power, only without the side effects of a pesky evil influence? Try picking up a real book once in a while.

  Writing

  Hobbits are very thoughtful creatures and enjoy keeping detailed chronicles of their daily lives. They are quick to take up the pen and spend the day recording their thoughts, visits with other folks, and tales of their ancestors, often embellishing details. In the event that they find themselves involved in some adventure, hobbits will fill volumes and volumes with the details of everything they saw, smelled, ate, and experienced. Even a dreadful situation makes a good story, and hobbits love a good story almost as much as they love food.

  Sport

  If you visit the Shire on any given day, you’ll see hobbits engaged in any number of games—outdoor games with balls or discs, games of chess or checkers, tavern games, and the like. Hobbits love to play. The rules of the games are sometimes hard to discern, as they can be changed on a whim. Hobbits aren’t usually very competitive, and the game itself isn’t as important to them as the act of playing. Spending time with friends at any diversion is what they enjoy.

  Humans can be so obsessed with rules that the games they play can cease to be fun and occasionally lead to fights. Even spectator sports, which may start with a simple rivalry between fans of different teams, can from time to time erupt into all-out brawls. Best to follow the example of hobbits and remember that it’s only a game, after all.

  Smoke Rings

  Smoking may be the hobbit’s favorite pastime. The hobbits invented the art of smoking pipeweed, an herb cultivated in the Shire after it was introduced to the region by Númenóreans, who were men from a distant land. The Rangers of the North and the dwarves call it Halflings’s Leaf. It’s an herb of numerous varieties: Longbottom Leaf, Southern Star, Old Toby. Each is named after the area of the Shire it is grown in.

  Hobbits smoke the herb using pipes made of clay or wood. The burning leaves produce a rich, thick smoke that is excellent for blowing smoke rings. Hobbits can spend entire afternoons blowing rings of different sizes, shapes, and configurations and watching them soar into the sky. Much like cloud gazing, they’ll watch the shapes drift and change, and they’ll think of different things those shapes might look like.

  It’s all a complete waste of time, of course. And an unhealthy habit to boot. But who are humans to judge with all the different—and often much worse—drugs and chemicals some of them imbibe? And heck, doesn’t everyone deserve to spend a lazy day looking up at the sky once in a while? (For more discourse on pipeweed, see “Concerning Food, Drink, and Pipeweed” on page 3).

  On Parties

  Occasions worth celebrating should not be taken lightly. Hobbit parties consist of plenty of food, beer, and dancing. And while consorting with wizards is normally considered deplorable, turning a blind eye for parties is recommended since wizards tend to share wonderful stories and fireworks.

  As humans, we all know someone who is full of mischief and can cause trouble the same way a wizard can. If you want to make your party an occasion to remember, you might consider inviting that person. It may not be a good idea, but it will certainly make for a memorable party.

  Holidays

  Hobbits love holidays. A couple of prominent holidays in hobbit culture are Lithe, which is a midsummer holiday celebrated with feasting and merriment, and Yule, which is a midwinter holiday celebrated with feasting and merriment. Celebrations for both holidays can last weeks or months, so you can imagine the sheer amount of feasting and merriment to be had. Simple gifts may be given as part of hobbit holiday celebrations but are given freely and never out of obligation. People can look to hobbits as a reminder of what holidays should really be about, and that is fellowship.

  Wealth

  Hobbits are typically quite good with managing wealth. Bilbo had plenty of money that he’d inherited from his ancestors, particularly from the Took side of his family (the Tooks were rather adventurous for hobbits and had accumulated quite a bit of wealth). Bilbo never lived extravagantly—hobbits rarely do—but instead used his wealth to live comfortably and to extend kindnesses to others, including his unexpected dwarf houseguests at the beginning of his adventures.

  Humans would do well to follow the example of hobbits in handling their own money. Managing your finances in a smart way is undoubtedly a good practice, but money can easily corrupt you and make you greedy. Remember to share your good fortune, and you’ll not only make someone else’s day but you’ll be doing yourself a service as well.

  Greed

  In the final chapters of The Hobbit, Bilbo and the dwarves find themselves under siege by men of Esgaroth, asking for a percentage of the dragon Smaug’s treasure to use for rebuilding their town after it was destroyed by Smaug. Thorin, leader of the dwarves, feels that the men had no claim to the treasure, as it originally belonged to Thorin’s ancestors. Bilbo, realizing that the two forces are at the brink of war, uses his portion of the treasure to negotiate an amiable resolution. Ultimately, he offers his share of the treasure to the men to rebuild their town.

  Bilbo’s example reminds us that money should be used for the greater good. Bilbo saw the plight of the men who were threatening his friends and was able to empathize when the dwarves could not. Bilbo knew that his portion of the treasure—no matter how great it was—was less important than helping people in need and finding a peaceful resolution to the conflict.

  Repaying Debts

  On his return journey, Bilbo gifts the Wood-elf king a necklace in thanks for providing bread and wine. In this way Bilbo demonstrates the importance of repaying your debts. In doing so you will maintain friendships and alliances that may be useful to you again some other day. Plus, it’s simply the right thing to do.

  Taking Only What You Need

  Before returning to the Shire, Bilbo and Gandalf stop off to reclaim some treasure they buried after a narrow escape from trolls. Bilbo took a couple saddlebags of gold and silver and offered the rest to Gandalf. Bilbo simply felt he had all he needed. Hobbits are rarely greedy. They know what they need in order to live comfortably and know that anything more will likely serve to make their lives more complicated. What do you need to live a comfortable life? Seriously consider this question and keep in mind that grasping for anything more often leads to unhappiness.

  Friendship, Fellowship, and Alliances

  You can trust us to stick to you, through thick and thin—to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours—closer than you keep it yourself. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone, and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo.”

  —Merry in JRR Tolkien’s The Fellowship of the Ring

 
If you’re like most people in Middle-earth, hobbits are not the first free folk who come to mind when you think of alliances or fellowships. They’re an unlikely race for adventures, both by stature and preference.

  For friendship … yes, you might consider a hobbit. Especially if you’re of the type who loves a good party and wishes to enjoy it with others of like mind.

  Let us explore how hobbits fit into the world of friendship, fellowship, and alliances, and what wisdom they may offer us Big Folk.

  Friendship

  Hobbits are all about a good party. More than any other race in Middle-earth, hobbits can be counted upon to pull a friend into The Green Dragon for a night of drinking, feasting, dancing, and singing. In fact, if it weren’t for the womenfolk and the call of a bright garden needing tending, male hobbits would spend their every waking hour in the friendly alliance of fellowship.

  It is this playful innocence, this bucolic simplicity, that Strider and his Rangers and so many others—including a number of hobbits—made deep sacrifices to protect.