Love Online

by Penelope Ward

  With straggly hair and a long beard, his grungy style stood out from the pack. I hadn’t met Benny at the wake the night before; he must have come and gone before I’d gotten there. While Ryder had pointed him out to me at the funeral, he hadn’t had a chance to formally introduce us.

  Benny reeked of marijuana as he approached the table. “Hi. I don’t believe we’ve met.”

  “You’re Benny,” I said. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  I noticed him silently repeating my words before he asked, “What’s your name?”

  Surprised, I held out my hand. “Eden.”

  Has Ryder never mentioned me?

  He took it. “And how do you know my boy Ryder? I’ve seen you with him all day.”

  Afraid of the answer, I asked, “Has he…not mentioned me?”

  He squinted. “No. Can’t say he has. I’m sorry.”

  A few seconds passed as I absorbed what that might mean.

  “We’re dating—have been for a few months.”

  Benny looked genuinely surprised. “No shit? Well, I’ll have to grill him about that. I guess he’s been holding out on me.”

  Feigning a smile, I said, “Yeah. Guess so.”

  “How did you guys meet?”

  I gave the only answer that came to mind. “Online…”

  “Really?” He stared over at Ryder and said, “Huh.”

  “What?”

  “Oh, nothing. It’s just that Ryder doesn’t usually have to resort to that.” He must have noticed the not-so-happy look on my face when he shook his head and added, “I didn’t mean it that way. He just always has his pick of the litter wherever he goes.”

  That didn’t make me feel much better. “Right.”

  “Sorry. I don’t mean to be rude. I’m just surprised he did the online dating thing. You’re obviously a catch. And I obviously don’t know when to fucking stop talking. Jesus, I shouldn’t have smoked just now.” He wiped his forehead.

  “It’s okay.” I just know so much about you, and you know nothing about me, not even that I existed, that’s all.

  He drank out of a random glass of water on the table. “You live around here?”

  “No, I live in Utah.”

  “Utah?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you a Mormon?”

  Inwardly rolling my eyes, I answered, “No, I’m not.”

  “Oh, okay. I know there are a lot of Mormons there.”

  “Right. So, of course I must be Mormon.”

  “Alright, I feel fucking dumb now. I’ve totally botched this convo. Sorry. I suck at life sometimes. I’m not good with social shit.”

  “It’s okay. I’m not exactly good at it, either. Not to mention, I don’t fit in here at all.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “Look at these people. I don’t have money or influence. I’m just a girl from St. George.”

  “Well, I don’t fit in, either, and I’ve been living here my entire life. So…”

  That made me smile a little. “Ryder tells me you own a marijuana dispensary?”

  “Yeah. I love what I do.”

  I can smell that. “I can tell.”

  “So, you flew in just for this?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  He looked over where Ryder was standing. “I’m really worried about him—how he’s gonna handle everything that’s gonna get thrown at him now.”

  “What do you think will happen at the company?”

  He looked contemplative. “I don’t know. My dad used to help run the studio. He always wanted me to get into it, but it was never my thing. Anyway, I know how much work goes into it just from watching him, and I don’t think Ryder’s going to be able to handle it all.”

  We sat in silence as our gazes fixed on Ryder for a while.

  Then Benny turned to me and excused himself. “Well, I’m just about ready for another smoke. You seem really cool. It was nice meeting you.”

  “Nice meeting you, too.”

  As unintentionally insulting as Benny had been, he was much more laid back than anyone else here. He didn’t quite fit, and that sort of made us kindred spirits.

  After he left, though, the reality of our conversation hit me. Ryder had never mentioned me to him—one of his best friends. Was he ashamed of me? I’d never thought that before, but what other explanation could there be? I felt myself losing faith.

  After Ryder wrapped up his conversation, he headed toward me.

  He took a seat before grabbing my hand and kissing it. “Hey. Sorry for leaving you for so long.”

  “It’s no problem.”

  I wanted so badly to ask him why he’d never mentioned me to Benny, but I refrained. This was not the time to push guilt on him or start a conversation about our relationship. He had just buried his dad, for Christ’s sake. I’d have to hold my feelings in.

  But quietly, the realization that he’d been keeping us on the down low put me in a different state of mind. I had to keep my guard up, not get my hopes up about anything. Ryder was surely going to need space over the next several weeks to deal with things at the studio. He was also going to be approached by Mallory, who planned to profess her undying love to him—a secret that was killing me, but was not mine to tell.

  ***

  Later that afternoon, Ryder and I lay together in his living room. He had turned on the electric fireplace, and we were decompressing from the day’s events. I was positioned between his legs with my back against his chest on the chaise lounge. I could feel the rise and fall of his breathing.

  He’d been quiet for a while when he said, “The last time my father and I spoke, he told me he loved me and was proud of me. That wasn’t something that happened very often.”

  Turning around to look at him, I said, “You almost wonder if his soul could sense something.”

  He tightened his grip around me. “Yeah. It’s weird.”

  “And beautiful at the same time.”

  “The only reason I called him was because of my conversation with Ollie.”

  “That’s right. I remember you saying that.”

  “So, I’m grateful to Ollie for putting that suggestion about movies in my head, because otherwise I wouldn’t have spoken to Dad, would never have had that last moment with him.”

  “I’m so glad you did.” After a moment, I said, “Ollie’s been worried about you.”

  “Shit. Really?” He scooted up a bit. “Can I call him? Is it too late?”

  “Not at all.” I reached for my phone on the coffee table. “He doesn’t go to bed for another hour.”

  I dialed my home number and put it on speakerphone.

  Camille answered, “Hey! How’s it going?”

  “It was a long day. I have Ryder with me. You’re on speakerphone—just letting you know.”

  “Thank you for the warning.” She laughed. “I might have said something stupid.” Her tone softened. “Very sorry for your loss, Ryder.”

  “Thank you, Camille. I appreciate that. And thank you for taking care of Ollie so I could have Eden here with me.”

  “My pleasure.”

  “Where’s the big man now?” Ryder asked.

  “He’s in his room, but I’ll hand him the phone. Hang on.”

  You could hear the muffled sounds of Camille talking to Ollie before my brother came on the line.

  “Ryder?”

  “Hey, buddy.”

  “Are you okay?” Ollie asked.

  “Yes. That’s why I’m calling. I wanted you to know you don’t have to worry about me. I’m gonna be okay.” Ryder glanced over at me and smiled before he said, “Thank you for letting me borrow your sister for a couple of days. Having her here has really helped.”

  “Eh, no problem. I haven’t even missed her that much.”

  I chuckled. “Thanks a lot, Ollie.”

  “Okay, maybe I miss you a little.”

  “I know you miss me, silly. I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon, okay? Be a good boy for
Camille.”

  “Ryder?” Ollie said.

  “Yeah?”

  “Maybe your parents can meet my mom now.”

  Ryder smiled. “That would be really nice, wouldn’t it?”

  “You believe in Heaven, right?”

  Ryder took a deep breath in, seeming to ponder Ollie’s question. “I believe our loved ones are still with us after they pass. I don’t know if there’s another place that they all hang out together, or if they become a part of us in some other way, but I do believe there’s more than this life, that they’re still around. In fact, I’ve talked to my dad a lot in the past couple days.”

  “Has he talked back?”

  Ryder closed his eyes and grinned. “No. But I feel like he can hear me.”

  “Cool. I’m gonna try talking to my mom.”

  “You should. I bet she’d like to hear from you.”

  “Thanks for the tip, Ryder.”

  “You’re welcome, buddy. We’ll talk soon, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  After he hung up, Ryder lay back down and said, “It was nice to hear his voice.”

  “I know he’s been dying to talk to you.”

  Ryder brought me in close to his body again. “What time is your flight tomorrow?”

  “Noon.”

  “We’ll have breakfast together before I take you to the airport.”

  “Okay. That’ll be nice.”

  We lay in silence for a while longer before he said, “I saw you talking to Benny at the restaurant.”

  I licked my lips. “Yeah. I introduced myself. He didn’t know who I was, didn’t realize you were dating anyone.” I couldn’t help admitting that.

  “I’m sorry I never had a chance to tell him about us.”

  “That’s okay. I can understand why you might be a little ashamed of how we met.”

  “Whoa.” Ryder turned me around to face him. “That’s not it at all. I am not ashamed of you, Eden. Fuck. Don’t ever think that.” He tightened his grip on me. “Benny is very cynical and a smartass. I didn’t feel like dealing with the tasteless jokes that would inevitably come if I told him the full story. And I didn’t want to lie to him about how we met, either. So, I was figuring out how to handle it. He’s an old friend, but he can be a bit of an idiot sometimes. I put off telling him only because I wanted to do it justice. Honestly, the main reason he doesn’t know is that we haven’t been speaking all that often the past few months. He’s been off doing his own thing. I feel really shitty that you thought I was ashamed.”

  I felt ridiculous for having let it upset me. After all, he’d introduced me to Mallory as his girlfriend, and his housekeeper, Lorena, had known right away who I was. I guess I was just being sensitive.

  “It’s okay. I get it. I told him we met online.”

  “That must have confused him. He knows I’ve never done the online dating thing.”

  “Yeah, he was totally confused.”

  I looked over at the clock on my phone. It was getting late. My time here was almost over, and it made me panicky inside. Ryder could apparently see that in my face.

  “What’s wrong? Something else is bothering you. I know it.”

  “No,” I lied.

  “Eden…”

  I couldn’t let myself bring up Mallory. It was too much. So I did my best to relay my feelings without getting into a messy conversation about his ex.

  “I know the next several months are going to be hard. I just want you to know I’ll be here for you in whatever way you need me. I don’t expect anything in return. You need time to figure out what direction your life is going, and that includes how I fit into it. That also means I need to proceed with caution, knowing that—”

  “Are you trying to break up with me or something?” The look of concern on his face was growing by the second.

  Like I could ever willingly let you go.

  “No. I care about you so much…and that’s why I want to give you time without pressure to figure out what you really want.”

  “I want you.” He grabbed my hand and threaded his fingers through mine. “Where is this coming from?”

  “My logical mind? I’m sorry. I told myself I wouldn’t bring up our relationship while I was here. It’s not appropriate, given what you’re going through. I don’t think we should be talking about this right now.”

  “Don’t worry about that. I can handle it. And don’t ever apologize for telling me what’s on your mind. I’m just trying to figure out exactly what you’re getting at.” Ryder sat up, then lifted me to straddle him.

  I looked deeply into his eyes and said, “After all of the time we’ve been seeing each other, we’re no closer to knowing what’s going to happen between us long-term. I’m really scared to lose you, but at the same time, I want to be realistic. We can’t live with our heads in the sand. At some point, something’s gotta give. Being out here has made me realize how much of your life I miss out on—pretty much all of it. It’s just not possible to keep doing what we’re doing forever.”

  His expression became less rigid as a realization seemed to come over him. “You’re right. This isn’t really fair, is it? I’ve never promised you anything…because a part of me is afraid I can’t live up to what you need. And with my father passing, it’s just made my future even more unclear. The only thing constant is how I feel about you. And I want that to be enough, more than anything.”

  If only that were enough.

  “I have no doubt that you want to be with me,” I clarified. “I guess what I’m trying to say is I know you need time to figure out your life. And I want to give that to you without you having to worry about losing me. I’ll be here for you until you figure it out. I don’t expect that to be tomorrow, or next month, even. But we do need to figure this out. We can’t live in limbo forever.”

  Plus, the longer I have you, the harder it’s going to be to lose you.

  He placed his hand on my chin and caressed it with his thumb. “You’re right. It’s not fair. I promise to figure it out. I just wish I knew what that entails. Thank you for giving me time.”

  ***

  I opened my eyes at 5:30AM. Ryder had a tough time getting to sleep last night. He’d finally fallen asleep around three in the morning, and he was now completely out.

  I couldn’t get our conversation out of my head. He’d vowed to make a conscious effort to figure out where things stood between us. And I believed him. But that meant the clock was ticking. That terrified me, because I couldn’t see any conclusion that wouldn’t mean me getting hurt. It felt like the end of us was near.

  Since I wasn’t able to sleep, I slipped out of bed and headed downstairs. I hadn’t spent any time outside on Ryder’s property, and I thought it might be nice to watch the sunrise over the city in the distance. Because Ryder’s house was up high, you could see the Los Angeles skyline.

  After making some coffee, I took it outside and sat on a grassy hill out back. I closed my eyes and let the morning breeze blow into my face. It was so quiet and peaceful. Ryder had a gorgeous garden featuring rosebushes and exotic flowers, along with some sculptures. If I lived here, I would be outside every day, meditating and soaking in the beautifully landscaped scenery.

  A rush of emotions hit me. More than anything, I wished I could stay here. It killed me that I couldn’t continue to be here for Ryder when he needed me—especially this week when he’d be bombarded at work. I knew he was still so confused and stressed about what to do with the studio.

  Unable to control it, I started to cry. Placing my head between my knees, I let myself unleash all of the feelings I’d kept inside these past couple of days.

  A few moments later, a voice startled me. “Everything alright out here?”

  I turned to find Ryder’s housekeeper, Lorena, walking toward me. Dressed in an all-white uniform, she was petite with medium-length black hair, probably in her later fifties. I knew she was really important to him, so her presence made me a little nervous. It felt like
the closest thing to meeting his mother.

  “Did I scare you? I have a habit of doing that to house guests.” She snickered.

  “I heard about your cowbell,” I said, managing a smile.

  “Ah…he told you about that, eh?”

  “Yes.” I wiped my eyes and held out my hand as I stood up. “We didn’t get a chance to talk at the funeral.”

  “I’ve known about you for a long time.” She gestured to the grass. “Please, sit.”

  She took a seat next to me.

  I turned to her. “He talks to you about me?”

  “Yes, he does.”

  That made me feel even more foolish for getting upset about Benny.

  “How much did he tell you?”

  “I know you show your boobies and your cha-cha for a living.”

  “Okay.” I laughed nervously. “So, everything then.”

  “Yeah. I used to tease him about it, until he came back from that first trip. Then I could see how serious he was about you. After he told me everything, I realized why you do what you do. So I stopped being a judgmental wiseass.”

  Her honesty was refreshing.

  “I can understand why you were skeptical. Some days I can’t even believe what I do for a living. But hopefully it won’t be forever.” I picked at some grass. “So, how could you tell he was serious about me?”

  “Because Ryder came back from that trip a changed man. I can’t even put my finger on it. I could see it in his face, I guess. It was like new life had been breathed into him. And that spoke volumes about you. Plus, he told me all about your sweet little brother. I’m sorry I ever judged you. You’re supporting your family.”

  I really liked this woman. “Well, thank you for saying that.”

  We both looked off into the distance. “He mentioned you’ve been with him since childhood?” I asked.

  “Yes. He’s like a son to me. I care about him a lot. And I can tell you do, too.”

  “I guess it’s obvious…”

  “Your tears don’t lie.”

  She could see right through me.

  “I’m in love with him.” Amazed at my own admission, I added, “That’s the first time I’ve ever said it out loud.”