Love Online

by Penelope Ward

  “Does he know that?”

  “I haven’t said it in those words. I don’t want to say them until I’m sure he feels the same. And this hasn’t exactly been the opportune time to address it.”

  “Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “The reason you were crying just now.”

  I looked down for a moment. “I’m afraid to lose him.”

  “Why?”

  “Can I tell you something in confidence?”

  “Depends on what it is, if it affects Ryder.”

  “It’s about his ex…Mallory. I assume you know her?”

  “Yes. She lived here for a couple of years.”

  That’s right.

  “So you knew her well, then?”

  “Not as well as you would think. We were never close. She respected me, but I don’t really think she liked me.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “I don’t think she appreciated having me around. I think she found a housekeeper who shows up every day to be intrusive. She would look at me funny when I’d be folding Ryder’s underwear, stuff like that. She didn’t seem to understand that I’d changed his diapers, never mind folding his underwear. I never felt completely comfortable when she was living here. But after a while, I realized it wasn’t necessary to feel comfortable, as long as Ryder was happy. He seemed to be, until they broke up. But I never felt she was right for him.” She arched her brow. “Anyway, what about her?”

  I needed to let it out. “Mallory cornered me at the wake—in the bathroom. She wanted to inquire about how serious Ryder and I were. She said she thought I should know she planned to tell him she was still in love with him. She wants to get him back and asked me not to say anything, given all the stress he’s under. I agreed that it was best not to bring it up, but I’ve been dying inside, feeling like I’m about to lose him.”

  Lorena’s eyes widened. “Shit. She had some nerve pulling you aside like that.”

  “Yeah. But I’m worried. I don’t trust that he doesn’t still have feelings for her.”

  She nodded. “Let me tell you something about Ryder. All that boy has ever wanted is to be loved. He loved Mallory, but she broke his heart. I’m not so sure he’s going to be able to forget about that, no matter what she tells him. And don’t be so quick to discount his feelings for you. You didn’t exist in his life when all of that went down.”

  “Okay, but here’s the thing—it would be so much easier for him to be with her. She doesn’t have any baggage.”

  “The hell she doesn’t. She left him and got engaged to someone else. That’s emotional baggage.”

  “Okay. Yeah, that’s true.”

  “I like you for him, Eden. You know why? Because I’ve never seen him happier. I’ve long given up the dream of Ryder marrying one of my nieces.” She laughed. “So I’m rooting for you. And I’m gonna give you a little advice, too.”

  “Okay…”

  “Don’t be reactive to your fears. Don’t distance yourself or change how you treat him because you’re afraid of losing him. Don’t let someone else invade what you two have. Be there for him, and always be that girl he fell for. If it’s meant to be, it will. With his only family gone, more than anything right now, Ryder needs people around him whom he can trust. And believe me, there aren’t many.” She shrugged. “And hey, if he takes her back, he’s not the one for you anyway.”

  Her words gave me a boost of confidence. “You’re right, Lorena. You’re very wise.”

  “Well, there’s got to be some benefit to getting older, right?” She smiled. “You’re a lot like me—a strong, independent woman who does what she needs to do to support her family. My ex-husband…took off on me and left me to raise my son alone. I was determined to find a job. I kept getting turned down, but I went after anything and everything I could find. Somehow, I ended up on Ryder’s parents’ doorstep. That changed my life. His mother hired me because she said her intuition told her to. I had no experience and didn’t deserve the job. But thirty years later, here I am. They have taken care of me very well. And I’ve tried to return the favor.” Lorena sighed. “Anyway, I will always have respect for women who do whatever it takes to fend for themselves and their families. And that’s you.”

  I wanted to hug her. “Thank you. I appreciate you saying that.”

  Suddenly, Ryder’s deep morning voice came up from behind us. “The one morning I decide to sleep in a little, and the two women in my life are conspiring against me?”

  “I was just telling Eden here she needs to treat you right, or she’ll have to answer to me.” Lorena winked at me.

  “Pretty sure it’s the other way around. You’ll be the first to kick my ass if I ever fuck things up with her.”

  “You know me so well, mijo.”

  Lorena stood up and brushed off her white pants. “I’ll go make you guys breakfast.”

  Ryder shook his head. “You don’t have to do that. I got it, Lorena.”

  “Spend time with your lady. You only have a few hours before she has to leave. I’ve got it.”

  She was already halfway to the door when he hollered after her, “Thank you.”

  I watched as she disappeared inside. “She’s so nice.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “Really?”

  “Why do you sound surprised?”

  Sitting down next to me, he said, “Lorena doesn’t normally come across as nice. She’s pretty tough on most people, but I think she really likes you. She respects you.”

  “She only respects me because of how you speak of me, because you respect me.”

  “I do.” He grinned. “You know, I reached over for you in bed when I woke up and freaked out for a second that you weren’t there.”

  That made my chest hurt, because I knew he still needed me so much, and I wouldn’t be next to him when he woke up tomorrow.

  “I’ve been out here watching the sunrise.”

  “I would’ve loved to do that with you. You should’ve gotten me up to join you.”

  “You needed your sleep.”

  “I would never choose sleep—or anything else—over watching a sunrise with you.”

  I took his hand. “I wish we had more time together. I hate feeling resentful of my life, but that’s exactly what I am right now. I resent having to leave. I’m not ready.”

  “I’m sure as fuck not ready to let you go, either.” He leaned in close. “I need to make love to you before you leave.”

  “We should go back to the bedroom after breakfast, then.” I stared at my refection in his eyes. “I’m sorry if last night was a little tense. I didn’t mean to put added pressure on you.”

  “You said what needed to be said. Don’t be sorry about that.” He moved behind me and brought me to his chest as he cradled me. “Let me hold you,” he said before locking me in with both of his legs. “Do you have to work tonight?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Can we talk at the normal time? At midnight?”

  “Of course, if you’re up for it.”

  “I’ll be looking forward to that more than ever. I need it before having to face work tomorrow.”

  “You’re not taking any time off before going back to the office?”

  He sighed. “I can’t. I need to start figuring things out. My father would’ve expected me to step into action, so that’s what I need to be doing. So, back to business in the AM. Although, I did cancel the China trip.”

  I rubbed my hands over his arms wrapped around me. “I’m so proud of you. I’ve been meaning to tell you that.”

  He held me tighter. “I suddenly really want to skip breakfast. The only thing I want to eat right now is you.”

  Lorena stuck her head out the door and yelled, “Hope you’re hungry!”

  He flipped me around, then spoke over my lips. “I’m fucking starving.”

  ***

  Later that morning, Ryder insisted on paying for parking at LAX to
accompany me inside. When he’d taken me as far as he was allowed to go, we stopped and stared at each other.

  “You know what I wish?” he asked.

  “What?”

  “I wish we could fly to Catalina Island right now and run away from everything, have a quiet few days together. I want that more than anything.”

  “That sounds like a dream.”

  He had stars in his eyes. “Someday we’ll go there. We’ll figure out a way, even if I have to pay Camille a shit ton of money to watch Ollie.” He grabbed my face and brought my lips to his. “Fuck. I don’t want to let you go.” He pulled me close and held me. We rocked back and forth for a while.

  As hopeful as he was making things sound with fantasies of trips to Catalina, I was still terrified of the coming weeks.

  What if this is the last time he ever holds me like this?

  It was technically possible. I held him tighter, cherishing his smell and the warmth of his body.

  “Goodbye, Ryder.”

  “Goodbye, baby. Be safe.”

  My heart dipped a little, wishing he’d said the three words I longed to hear. But he didn’t.

  As I tried to walk away, he kept holding my hand and wouldn’t let it go. He suddenly pulled me back into him and planted the hardest kiss on my mouth. My bag dropped to the ground as I ran my fingers through his hair and accepted everything he gave me with every inch of my soul.

  I had to pry myself from him, wiping tears from my eyes as I walked away, hoping I would get to experience that kind of kiss with him again.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  * * *

  RYDER

  A week after my father’s funeral, I was still no closer to determining the future of the company.

  There were only two things keeping me going: nightly chats with Eden and daily emails from Ollie. I couldn’t imagine how alone I’d feel without them in my life.

  And I sort of did…a thing.

  I knew Eden wasn’t comfortable if she knew I was watching her during her show. So I created a fake profile so I could log in and “spend more time” with her without making her nervous. My new screen name was AssLover433.

  Not only would I watch her while logged in under that name, but when I wanted to amuse myself, I’d interact with her and ask her really stupid questions. The best was when she’d complain to me during our midnight chat about how annoying AssLover was. In those moments it took everything in me not to bust out laughing. I would tell her eventually, and I was certain we’d have a good laugh about it. In the meantime, I was having too much fun.

  As I sat in the middle of yet another board meeting—this time on a Saturday—to discuss the fate of the studio, I decided to check my email.

  A message from Ollie Shortsleeve using VoiceText300:

  Dear Ryder,

  Can you call me? I need your help. It’s important, but don’t sound weird if Eden picks up. Please call soon.

  Ollie

  That was odd. He never asked me to call him. My heart began to pound.

  Excusing myself from the meeting, I walked down the hall and outside to the rear of the building. The sun was blazing as I dialed Eden’s house number.

  After a couple of rings, she picked up. “Ryder?”

  “Hey,” I said.

  “What’s up? I wasn’t expecting you to call me.”

  “Well, technically, I’m not calling for you. Ollie asked me to call him.”

  “Really? Okay. He’s just in his room. Hang on.”

  After a pause, I heard her say, “Ollie? Ryder’s on the phone for you.”

  “Can you go back in the kitchen?” he asked her.

  “Why? What don’t you want me to hear?”

  “Just…please?” he begged.

  Eden sighed, and then I heard him come on the line.

  He whispered, “Ryder?”

  “Hey, buddy. Everything alright?”

  “No.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Something is wrong with me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Something…happened. And I don’t know what it is. I want to know if you know what it is. And I can’t tell Eden.”

  My pulse sped up, thinking maybe someone tried to touch him. “Okay. Talk to me.”

  “I’m kind of embarrassed to tell you.”

  Adrenaline ran through me. “Don’t be. You can tell me anything.”

  “Promise me you won’t tell Eden.”

  “Well, that depends on what it is.”

  “You can’t tell Eden,” he insisted.

  “Okay. Okay. What’s going on?”

  “I think I’m bleeding.”

  “Bleeding? Well, then you need to tell your sister.”

  “I can’t!”

  “Why not?”

  “I was…touching myself. My, um, penis. Because it felt good. I do that sometimes. And I think I went too far. I felt something come out of there. I think it’s blood. There was a lot of it. It was sort of…hot.”

  Oh shit.

  I had to sit down on a bench.

  Damn.

  Isn’t he a little young for that?

  Nah. I was about twelve when it happened to me.

  Ollie is eleven and a half.

  Shit.

  Alright.

  Just to confirm, I asked, “Did this stuff come out when you finished doing what you were doing?”

  “Yes. Right at the end.”

  I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes, silently laughing a little. “Ollie, listen, you’re fine, okay? There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.”

  At that moment, one of the board members came through the revolving doors. He must have been looking for me.

  “There you are. We’re all waiting for you. I’ve got a tee time at four, so—”

  “I need a minute,” I barked. “I’ll be in there soon.”

  He looked annoyed as he nodded and went back inside.

  “Sorry about that. Okay, so as I was saying, what you did is completely okay. Totally normal.”

  “Why was I bleeding, then?”

  “It wasn’t blood. It’s something else called semen.”

  “Demon?”

  “Semen. It’s something that comes out of your penis after you finish doing what you were doing.”

  “But it’s not normal. It’s never happened to me before. And I’ve been doing this for, like, six months.”

  “Once it happens the first time, it happens every time. It starts around puberty. So this was just your first time, or maybe the first time you noticed it or something. It means you’re getting older.”

  “You bleed every time you do it?”

  “Yes. Well, not exactly. Again, semen is not blood. It’s different—it’s sort of a whitish color. Blood is red. I know you don’t know the difference, but they’re different substances. And it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. Just the opposite. It means your body is working the way it’s supposed to.”

  “So what do I do?”

  “You don’t have to do anything. But when you know you’re gonna…you know, finish next time, make sure you have a towel handy. And know that Eden’s probably gonna figure it out if she does your laundry.”

  “I was really scared,” he said. “I thought I was dying.”

  I chuckled. “No, buddy. You’re good.” Then it hit me. “Don’t they have health class at your school? They should be teaching you this stuff.”

  “Next year.”

  “Okay. Well, if you have any questions, you can come to me.”

  “I Googled bloody penis and got scared.”

  “Oh, man. Yeah. Don’t do that. I can imagine the stuff that came up.”

  “Anyway, thanks, Ryder.”

  “It’s no problem at all. You got me out of a stressful work meeting. I needed to take a break from my problems anyway.”

  If the people upstairs in the meeting only knew what I was out here discussing.

  I was just about to let him
go when he asked, “Can I help you with your problem since you helped me with mine?”

  That made me smile. “I wish.”

  “Does it have to do with your dad?”

  I looked up at the sky. “Yeah, buddy, it does. When my dad died, he left me with the power to make some decisions about how his company should be run. And without him here, I’m not sure what to do, not sure what he would have wanted.”

  “Ask an adult for help.”

  “What?”

  “That’s what my teacher always says. When you’re really stuck, ask an adult for help.”

  “You do realize I am an adult, right?”

  “Yeah, but there’s got to be someone who knows more than you, who can help you. Like, an even bigger adult.”

  A few seconds passed, and then something in my brain clicked. His words struck a chord.

  Of course.

  Of course!

  Why hadn’t I thought of this sooner? I couldn’t do this alone. I never could. The answer on how to proceed wasn’t going to come from me or any of those fools upstairs; they were only in it for themselves. There was only one person who could help me. And I was going to have to beg him.

  Ask an adult.

  “Ollie, you’re brilliant, you know that?”

  “Sometimes I am. But I thought I was bleeding demons out of my pee pee. So, not all of the time.”

  ***

  “Thank you for meeting me,” I said.

  Benny’s father, Benjamin Eckelstein, Sr., led me out to his back patio where a pitcher of lemonade sat on the table. He wore a white tennis uniform. I’d called him right after hanging up with Ollie and asked if I could meet him at his house this afternoon.

  “Of course, son. I’ve been expecting to hear from you.”

  That surprised me. “Really?”

  He put his hand on my shoulder. “Yes, but I didn’t want to be presumptuous in assuming you needed my help. If you didn’t ask, I wasn’t going to offer. I figured you were waiting for the dust to settle a little.”

  Benjamin had at one time been my father’s right-hand man and business partner. He’d retired a few years ago at the age of sixty-six and was perhaps the only person who had the knowledge to advise me on next steps at McNamara. I silently thanked Ollie again for bringing him to my mind.