“He’s not my guy. Not anymore,” Val said playfully bumping Bri in the shoulder.
Val thought back to her time with Jared when he was her guy. Their relationship wasn’t thrilling and adventurous like her time with Adam, but it was nice and warm. At the time, that was the problem. It felt too safe and calm for her. She wanted more. That was before she decided to shake up her life recently. Now she was bringing her own adventure to life. Adam had helped her get out of her comfort zone for a brief time, but she was also doing that on her own. She had decided to go to Africa. She was breaking out of her routines. And yet she found herself wondering what Jared was up to lately.
“I can see that my work here is done. You seem a little less awful,” said Bri with a smile. “I’m going to head out. Drinks this week?”
“Yes,” said Valentina. “That sounds good. And Bri?” Bri looked up from getting ready to go. “Thanks. Thanks for coming by to check on me. You’re a really good friend.” Bri smiled.
“I’m sure you would have done the same for me,” she said. Valentina hoped she would be so thoughtful.
Bri left the apartment, and Valentina was left alone with the TV and cold Chinese food. She picked up the take out boxes and put them in the fridge, and then she went to bed. At least she was already in her pajamas.
As the morning light crept into her eyelids, Valentina turned over on her pillows. Another day without Adam. Another day to ponder why he didn’t want a relationship with her, no matter how far the distance. Another day to comfort her feelings with food, especially sugar.
Valentina realized it was Sunday. She definitely wasn’t going to church. She couldn’t stomach the questions from her mom about why she was so upset. Valentina felt as if her heart had been torn out and was slowly drying up and blowing away in the wind. It hurt and felt numb at the same time.
Part of her wanted to pretend nothing happened and to get on with things. Part of her wanted to stay in her apartment forever and nurse her broken heart. She decided to do both. After canceling on her mom, Val got dressed in loose jeans and an old concert t-shirt and drove to a nearby thrift store.
No matter what happened with Adam, I’ll still be going to Africa next week. I have things I need to do, she thought. Looking for linen pants and plain t-shirts in the racks, she passed the time. After trying on several items, she brought a pile of clothes to the cashier. She would at least be dressed for the heat on her trip.
Arriving back at her apartment, she changed back into her ratty pajamas and wasted no time in finding her way to the couch. Instead of some trashy reality TV, Val looked for an African documentary to watch. Settling in to learn about the history of East Africa, Val focused on the future.
Today, she would be a mess. Today, she would veg out in front of the TV and cry. Tomorrow was another day. Tomorrow was a workday. Tomorrow, she would focus on work. Just one week until she left for Africa. Whether or not Adam was in it, her life was changing. She was changing. She would insert excitement into her life with or without him.
Chapter 16
Valentina sat up in bed. She looked at her pajamas, which she had been wearing since Saturday morning two days ago except for her brief shopping trip to the thrift store. She was greasy and sweaty.
She got out of bed slowly. Her whole body ached. She stood under a scalding hot shower hoping to jump-start herself. Once that was done, she picked out clothes to wear, focusing on putting together a new combination that she had never worn before. She wasn’t ready to face the world, but she couldn’t stay home from work forever.
As usual, she arrived at work before anyone else. She liked to get to work early, do what she needed to do, and head out on time to get in a run or read or see the girls. She went to her office, nursing her coffee. Oh, delicious coffee, how does anything get done without you?
She set about to do some work: answering emails, researching market trends, and following up with social media. John stopped by her office in the afternoon. Apparently, she had sent out an email to their customers with a broken link in it. He wasn’t too upset, but Valentina wasn’t happy. Despite her efforts to put on a brave face, she clearly wasn’t back to her normal exacting self.
She managed to get through the rest of the afternoon without making any other errors.
Once the clock clicked over to 5 pm, she was out of the office as quickly as possible. Somehow, she managed to get through the rest of the afternoon without making any other errors. Now,
Valentina had a date with a grocery store for some bagels and ice cream. Maybe some wine to wash it all down.
Recommitting to her desire to be a new Val, she drove to a new grocery store. Wanting to have comfort food, she made a beeline for the bagels and ice cream. As she grabbed her favorites, she did stop to peruse and select a new frozen dinner. Feeling down wouldn’t stop her from trying something new.
“Val?” called a man behind her. “Is that you?”
Oh crap, she thought. Val would know that voice anywhere. It was Jared, ex-boyfriend Jared. Probably the last person she wanted to see right now. She turned around slowly and tried to put a smile on her face.
“Hi, Jared!” she said with fake cheerfulness. If she could get through a whole day of work after getting her heart stomped, she could get through two minutes of chit-chat with an ex.
“It’s so good to see you,” he said. “Are you ok? You look a little tired.”
“Yes, doing fine. Just up late reading last night, you know how I am.”
He chuckled. “Yes, I remember you and your love of books. Couldn’t compete with them, could I?”
He didn’t say it harshly, yet her smile was thin. She didn’t want to rehash their breakup. There was more to it than her interest in books. “How about you?”
“Well, I’m just picking up some ice cream to go with cake. It’s my niece’s birthday today, and we’re all getting together for a family dinner. I’ll tell mom you said hi.”
“Yes, please tell her hello from me.” Valentina felt a twinge of nostalgia. Jared’s mom was always very sweet to her, including her in family events and going out of her way to make her feel welcome. She even went shopping one time with Valentina in an attempt to have “girl time.” Valentina did miss that feeling of belonging. As much as she loved her family, it was nice to have more people that liked you, not because they had to but because they did. “I’m just picking up a couple things myself.”
Jared looked into her basket to see the bagels and ice cream. He looked at her with questioning in his eyes. “Are you sure you’re alright?”
Valentina gave a small sigh. “I’ll be fine, Jared. Thank you for asking. I don’t want to make you late for dinner.” She began walking toward the front of the store…and toward the wine section. Wine was now definitely on the menu for tonight.
Jared turned to get his ice cream. She watched him walk to the front, toward the check-out lanes. Val dragged her feet a bit hoping he would leave the store, but as she went through the check-out line, she saw he had waited for her. Now he walked beside her toward her car. Val hoped he wouldn’t try to chat some more and make things awkward. She knew Jared wasn’t an actual danger, she wasn’t worried about that, but she might need to say goodbye a little more forcefully than she expected.
“I’ll leave you alone after this, Val. You just look off to me. I know that’s not the nicest thing to say, but I’m a little worried. I hope you know you can always give me a call or send me a text if you need something. Even though we’re not together, I still care about you.” He leaned over and enveloped her in a hug.
Valentina was taken aback. She wasn’t expecting a hug from Jared. As many failings as she thought he had, his hug was not one of them. Firm and warm, he knew how to hold the perfect length of time so that you felt cared for and sheltered without feeling suffocated.
Valentina was about to start crying when Jared pulled back. He squeezed her shoulder and walked off to his car. She was left standing in the middle of the park
ing lot, holding back tears. Damn him for being so nice, she thought. She sniffed and got into her car.
She drove home without changing a single radio station she was so distracted by her thoughts of Jared. Even at home, she couldn’t stop thinking about their interaction. Jared was steady, solid, and dependable. He had a warm family and was someone to lean on. Yes, he did like to stay in and watch TV over going out, and he was happy to eat the same dinners over and over. He didn’t come up with new ideas, and he never surprised her with anything, but he was also always on time and considerate, and he opened doors and said “please” and “thank you.” And most importantly, he cared deeply for her. In short, he was a nice guy. The nicest one she had ever known.
Adam was everything that Jared wasn’t. Adam wasn’t rude or dangerous, and he seemed to be responsible enough, but he was more focused on his own life and the work he was doing than on anyone else. Also, unlike Jared, he had ideas for new things to do, and he always wanted to try the surprising thing, preferring to going out to staying in. Unless staying in involved sex.
Sex with Jared was the same as his personality. It was warm and comforting. He was considerate in bed. Valentina could say that each time was fine, but she had never screamed when she came with Jared. With Adam, that was all she could do. Each time with Adam had been toe-curlingly good. She was getting herself all hot and bothered just thinking about it.
Her emotions over Adam’s departure were too fresh. She doubted everything she felt now. Had she been too quick to toss Jared away?
She hadn’t regretted breaking up with him until she saw him today in the grocery store. His hug had brought back memories of her time with him. They hadn’t had bad times; it was just that the good times were not as great as Valentina thought they should have been. They weren’t like the fairy tales and romance novels.
That was the problem. Was she comparing him to something that didn’t exist? Was she holding out for a mythical boyfriend who was warm and comforting yet exciting and adventurous at the same time? Was she hunting for the unicorn of boyfriends?
Adam had proved that emotions do run high with someone who was exciting. She didn’t know what to expect with him, but that added to the draw. If she wanted someone to be there for her in the long term, was exciting and adventurous a detriment? Were those qualities she needed to experience and get out of her system to prepare for someone solid and stable? Someone like Jared?
She could see Jared being a father, mowing the lawn, and fixing the car.
She didn’t have any idea what Adam would be like in the future. Would he still be in Africa? Would he settle down for a normal suburban life? She didn’t think he had it in him to be conventional in any way. He had already talked about how much his time in Africa and career choice fulfilled parts of him.
None of these thoughts made Valentina feel any better, but they did distract her from the raw feeling of heartache that night. She didn’t quite know what she wanted, but she knew she didn’t like having a broken heart. Marriage, kids, living abroad, travel, any of those sounded wonderful. Perhaps what she really wanted was someone to share it all with. Someone by her side to try the new things and share the experiences.
Nursing a cup of her beloved coffee the next morning, Val texted Bri.
Guess who I ran into last night buying ice cream and wine.
You had ice cream and wine without me? Bummer. Who was it?
Jared!
No way! Does he live near you? I thought he was in Arlington.
He was getting stuff for a family dinner. His folks live on my end of town.
Was it awkward?
Sort of. I was a bit of a mess, and he saw right through me.
Oh my.
Yeah. It wasn’t too bad until we were leaving. He walked out with me and hugged me.
What?!?
Yep, but the odd thing was that it was nice. Comforting.
Really?! But this is the guy you choose to break up with.
I know. I know. I spent the whole rest of the night thinking about that exact thing. Jared was a good boyfriend, but at the time, I just didn’t think our lives were in sync. I wanted more.
Whoa. Are you having second thoughts about dumping him? This has got to be a rebound thing.
I know. That’s my point. Maybe Jared is the safe choice, the comforting one, the steady one. Adam is clearly the exciting, worldly one. The question is: which do I want?
Girl, you know I always liked Jared. And Adam is obviously Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome, exciting and sexy. At the end of the day, it really depends on what you want out of life.
Exactly, but what the hell do I want? How do I figure that out? I thought Adam was it, but then he ripped my heart out and stomped on it as soon as things got inconvenient. Do I really want a lifelong roller coaster ride? Jared was sweet and caring, but I always felt like I had to force him to try new things with me. It became exhausting. I don’t know… maybe one person can’t be both exciting and safe.
Girl, that is the eternal question. Can you get someone who is exciting enough to keep you interested but stable enough to be your rock? As someone who wants to settle down ASAP, I have to admit, I don’t know. I haven’t found that combo yet.
Yeah. That’s my fear.
Valentina set down her phone. She thought she would know when she met the one. She assumed would feel it, and he would feel it, and they would ride off into the sunset together. Maybe things aren’t that clear-cut. Maybe, instead of relying on your heart, you have to use your head and make a logical choice, too. You have to know what you are giving up and what you are getting. What is most important to you and what you can, and can’t, live without.
Which was which for Valentina? She said she wanted adventure and excitement, but lately, she lived her life in books and routine. Her life said one thing and her mouth said another. She was trying to change things up now, but was she a changed person yet? Did she want to change everything?
Maybe she was forcing this change. Maybe she simply wasn’t a wild person anymore. After all, she loved quiet nights at home and a good book. She loved brunch with the girls, volunteering at the food pantry, and Sunday church dates with her mom. Yes, she loved trying new things and traveling, too, but how adventurous did she really want to become? She spent the past few weeks trying to be more adventurous and look what happened. Taking a chance on Adam had only led her to heartbreak.
And here was Jared, safe and kind Jared, telling her that he still cared for her. Maybe she had been wrong to toss him aside.
Deciding to take the bull by the horns, she decided to text Jared later that week. She could turn over these questions about the future in her mind forever or she could do something about it.
Hey, Jared. It was nice running into you the other day.
Valentina! Hi! It was great seeing you. She smiled at his enthusiastic response.
Sorry if I was acting weird. You were right, I was a little upset that night. I had just been dumped by someone I was seeing.
Oh, I’m so sorry. I know how that feels. It sucks.
This is what she expected from Jared, a comforting and empathetic response. She continued on.
Yeah, well, you were very kind in noticing that I was not myself.
I always notice you, Val. That hasn’t changed. She bit her lip. Was he saying what she thought he was? Did he still have feelings for her?
Valentina paused. Was she being stupid by texting Jared? She didn’t know how she felt about him but didn’t want to lead him on with ideas that they might get back together. Valentina texted again.
You were always very considerate.
What’s going on here, Valentina? Are you looking for a rebound now that you’re newly single?
She cringed. Ouch, she thought. He didn’t pull any punches. Is that what she wanted? A rebound to make her forget about Adam? Val had never had a rebound relationship. She texted back.
No, but seeing you made me remember some of the good things about us tog
ether. Would it be possible to hang out? Just as friends?
I don’t know. You really put me through the wringer when you broke up with me. I’m not sure I’m ready to have these feelings all stirred up.
I get it. Anyway, just think about it. I’m in town until next Friday when I leave on a trip.
Ok, I’ll think about it.
Valentina felt that was fair. He would think about it. If he turned her down, would she be upset? Adam’s leaving stirred up a hornets’ nest of emotions in Valentina. She was more resolved than ever to revive her exciting side. Making small changes in her everyday life, signing up to go to Africa, and spending time with Adam had only shown her that she enjoyed experiencing new things. That was the life she wanted. But how did she fit love into that life? Was it a choice between changing her whole life for Adam or settling down with Jared?
Chapter 17
By Friday, she was starting to feel better. She hadn’t totally shaken off the effects of Adam leaving, but she was at least able to pull herself together and leave the apartment. Valentina thought that maybe tomorrow she would go to the food bank to do her regular Saturday morning volunteering. They might ask about Adam, but there usually wasn’t too much chatting, so she could brush off any questions. Volunteering sounded nice, sounded like her normal life. Just what she needed.
By the time she arrived at the office, she had a text. It was from Jared. Val waited until she was at her desk to read it. This way if he rejected her, she was already sitting down. Could she stand two men rejecting her in a week?
Valentina, I’m willing to give it a shot. Let’s hang out. Just keep in mind that I still have feelings for you. This might be harder than I’m expecting.
Let’s keep it light. How about drinks? Are you free tonight?
Sure, tonight works. Where?
Um, nothing pops into my head. Why don’t you pick?
There was a pause in the texting. Was Jared looking up a place to go? Or was he having second thoughts?
Love Without Borders Page 11
