Bittersweet

by Noelle Adams

  He caressed her belly and slid his hands up to cup her breasts. Her skin was covered with goosebumps, and arousal throbbed between her legs, causing her to shift her hips restlessly and arch up into his hands.

  “Adam!” she gasped. Her lips felt swollen from his kisses. “God, Adam, please touch me.”

  She had no idea what was happening to her body, why it wanted this as much as it did.

  He fondled her until she writhed and moaned. Finally, unable to take any more torment, she pulled his hands away.

  Adam had been leaning over her, half-pressing his weight on hers. But now he sat up, panting and flushed. He stared down at her, his hands resting on her hips.

  Something had changed, and she didn’t know what it was. She still wanted him as much as she had a moment before. And he seemed to as well—if his face and his crotch were any way to judge.

  But he just sat there. Didn’t move.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  He gave his head a slight shake. “Nothing. Nothing.”

  “You still want this?”

  “Of course.”

  “Then stop brooding,” she whispered, leaning over to kiss him hard on the lips.

  Adam made a sound deep in his throat, one that jolted down to her arousal. He kissed her back and allowed her to push him down to the couch as he’d done to her earlier.

  After that, Zoe’s ability to distinguish distinct moves and thoughts faded, and the world was made up of nothing but the hardness of Adam’s lean body, the smell of him surrounding her, the feel of his hungry mouth on hers, and the sound of their urgent breathing and the leather beneath their shifting bodies.

  To her frustration, he wore a t-shirt under his dress shirt, but she finally managed to get her hands under his clothes so she could feel his hot, smooth skin. She was still kissing him when she slid her hand beneath the waistband of his trousers and wrapped her fingers around his hard length.

  He choked out a sound of pleasure as she gently squeezed, and she felt his body tightened palpably beneath where she sprawled on top of him. She breathed desperately through her nose, and she couldn’t seem to stop herself from massaging him, the sounds of his pleasure turning her on more than anything else.

  He needed something from her, and she wanted to give it to him.

  “Zoe,” Adam rasped, turning his head to the side and in the process breaking the press of their lips. “Zoe, if you don’t stop, I—” His words were cut off in another groan as she slid her hand up and down the length of him, applying pressure as she did.

  Adam gripped the back of the couch with one hand, so tightly his knuckles had whitened. His features twisted desperately, even as his hips tried to ride her hand from below. “Zoe, baby,” he choked out, “I’m going to—”

  She knew what he was going to do, and she wanted to give it to him. Wanted him to let go, let down, release the desperate hold he tried to keep on himself and the world.

  She tightened her hand again.

  Adam let out a loud exclamation as his body shook beneath hers. He came hard, and much sooner than he would have had he not drunk so much.

  She massaged him through the contractions, feeling deeply possessive. Adam’s body had relaxed deliciously in the wake of his release, and the knowledge satisfied her on a visceral level.

  She leaned down to kiss him again, and finally he lifted his hand to tangle his fingers in her hair.

  “Damn,” he muttered, when he broke the kiss.

  She almost laughed, disoriented by how everything was moving so fast and by the power of her own arousal. Before she could figure out what to do, he grabbed her face with both hands and raised himself up into a kiss, pushing her down in the process.

  After a minute, he’d taken off her sweater and started to kiss his way down her neck to her collarbone. Then he mouthed her breasts over her tank top.

  Zoe arched and gasped uninhibitedly, and when he cupped her hot arousal with one hand over the thin fabric of her pants, she started to whimper in pleasure.

  She hadn’t come in so long, and now she was desperate for it, like a horny teenager.

  “That’s right, baby,” he said thickly, raising his head so he could look down on her. “Just let go.”

  She was slammed with waves of hot and cold as he found her clit through her clothes and started to rub it. Not precise or skillful but effective just the same.

  He leaned down to take a breast in his mouth again through her shirt as he pleasured her with his hand.

  Her body was out of control, and she made sobbing sounds as her muscles started to tighten. “Feels so good, Adam.”

  “That’s right,” he murmured, releasing her breast so he could watch her again. “Good, baby. Let yourself feel good. Don’t hold back.”

  She couldn’t hold back—even if she’d wanted to. She came with helpless abandon, knowing he was watching her.

  When she finally opened her eyes, she saw that same hot hunger on his face again. She lowered her gaze and saw he was already aroused once more.

  Not sated yet, she wrapped her legs around his hips, greedily seeking the feel of his groin. She rubbed herself against him shamelessly.

  “Zoe.” His mouth was against her ear now. “Do you want—” He broke off as she squeezed him tightly between her legs. “Like this? Or I could try to find a…a cond—” Once again, his words were cut off as she tightened her thighs around him.

  There was no way Zoe could wait for him to dig up a condom. She wanted him now, like this. She wanted him so bad.

  “Harder,” she gasped, bucking her hips up and trying to rub against him at the same time. They were both mostly clothed, and it was only the friction and pressure building them up toward another release. “Adam, I want it harder.”

  He thrust against her, his motion raw and urgent, as if their clothes weren’t between them.

  Zoe’s skin blazed with heat as she panted desperately, vaguely knowing that their clumsy dry hump wasn’t anything anyone would have expected, but she wanted it so much she didn’t care.

  Somehow, it felt safer than intercourse would have, and it could still give them what they both needed.

  They were shaking the couch now, her legs wrapped tightly around his back and their hips grinding eagerly together. Until finally the friction and carnal motion pushed Zoe over the peak.

  She cried out loudly as she came, her body shuddering beneath Adam’s. She kept moaning in pleasure as his motion continued, sustaining the contractions of her climax. She felt Adam’s body tighten up as she embraced him with her arms and her legs. Then he choked out a helpless sound as he came again too.

  They both gasped wetly as their bodies relaxed together. Adam’s weight was heavy on hers, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. And it helped to distract Zoe from the realization of what they’d just done.

  She stroked his hair gently as he buried his face in the hollow of her neck. She felt him press a few kisses against her skin.

  “Adam,” she said softly, wondering what she should say, what he would say.

  He didn’t answer. And a wave of exhaustion and sated relaxation washed over her.

  They didn’t have to move quite yet. They didn’t have to talk quite yet.

  So they didn’t.

  She eventually heard Adam’s breathing even out. She didn’t know if he was asleep or not—but she wouldn’t be surprised.

  By focusing only on how nice and warm and relaxed and satisfied her body felt, she was able to momentarily forget everything else. And in that way she drifted off too.

  * * *

  She dreamed she was in bed with Josh.

  Her husband hadn’t been a particularly cuddly sleeper, but sometimes after sex they would fall asleep tangled together. She would wake up trapped by his arms, or pressed under his weight, or in some other uncomfortable position.

  Just on the edge of waking, she was sure that was exactly what had happened. She had fallen asleep after sex with Josh and now he was lying on
top of her.

  It wasn’t comfortable. His weight was too much. She was hot and cramped and having trouble taking a full breath. So she pushed Josh off her with a grumble.

  Only to discover that he wasn’t naked the way he should have been. He was half dressed in a wrinkled dress shirt and trousers.

  And he wasn’t Josh. He was Adam.

  The knowledge, the sudden realization, was so crushing that Zoe momentarily couldn’t breathe. She scrambled up to a sitting position and leaned her head over between her legs, taking pained breaths and trying desperately not to cry.

  She didn’t really succeed. Sobs ripped up through her throat, but she tried to stifle them. Adam was awake now, and she couldn’t bear to hurt him.

  “Zoe?” Adam asked, his voice sounding cautious but more natural than she’d heard him all evening. Whatever effects of the alcohol he’d suffered earlier had dissipated now. He was himself again. “Are you all right?”

  She wasn’t all right. It felt like Josh had died again. And she’d just enjoyed a clumsy, adolescent grope with his cousin.

  “Yeah,” she managed to say. Her vision was blurry and her chest hurt so badly she might suffocate.

  She felt his hand on her back. “Take a full breath,” he murmured, unexpectedly gentle, “Slowly.”

  Zoe tried. When it didn’t work, she almost choked. Then she tried again.

  “Good,” Adam said, when she’d managed a long, shaky breath. “Again.”

  She took another full breath and felt her chest unclamp. She could breathe again. “Thanks,” she mumbled, now embarrassed on top of everything else. “I’m okay now.”

  They sat side by side on the leather couch in Adam’s study for a long time in silence. Then finally he slanted her a sideways look, his expression composed, all of that brewing passion held back beneath the layer of composure again. “Did I ruin everything?”

  Touched by what the question revealed, Zoe replied hurriedly, “No! No, of course not. It’s not ruined. And it wasn’t just you. I’m just as much to blame for what happened. We just…we just…”

  The truth was she wasn’t exactly sure what they had done.

  Despite her desperate desire to hide, she made herself meet his eyes. “Obviously there’s an attraction between us. And I guess it just kind of…got out of control.”

  “Something like that.”

  “But you’re too important to me and Logan to lose, just because things happened that shouldn’t have happened. So everything won’t be ruined. It can’t be.”

  Adam’s eyes were utterly sober as he asked, “You’re sure what happened shouldn’t have happened?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t think so. But I just don’t know.”

  “I know you don’t.”

  It would be nice to know exactly what Adam was thinking at the moment. He was a closed book again, which was even more frustrating after the way he’d been open and vulnerable earlier. But Zoe was too scared and confused to try to pry into his feelings, when her own were so overwhelming at the moment.

  “Adam,” she began, her voice breaking. She had no idea what to say, no idea even how to think through what had happened and what it could possibly mean.

  “We don’t have to figure it all out now,” Adam interrupted softly. “Neither of us intended for it to happen. If I’d been thinking clearly, I never would have…the timing was…very wrong. If we both agree our relationship can survive it, then we don’t have to figure it all out right now.”

  The words were like a lifeline for Zoe, but it seemed almost too good to be true. “But we can’t just ignore it.”

  “We won’t ignore it. But I’m not sure either of us is in the condition to make a good decision on this right now. So we can give it a little time and thought and return to it later.”

  He seemed calm, controlled, extraordinarily Adam-like—particularly given how uncontrolled he’d been with her before. She still vividly remembered the feel of his body as he climaxed, the sight of his face, twisted in helpless pleasure.

  “You think we can get through this and be all right?” she asked, some of her fear evident in her voice. “I don’t want to lose you, Adam.”

  He reached over and put a hand on her knee. “You won’t lose me, Zoe. Not unless you want me gone.”

  “I won’t,” she promised, her voice cracking as she realized he genuinely thought that was a possibility. “Even if it’s weird between us, I’ll never want you gone.” She reached over and kissed him on the cheek, comforting him in the way she’d tried to earlier, before everything had gotten out of control.

  He gave a brief nod, his shoulders just a little stiff. “Good. Me either.” He glanced at his watch and continued, his voice changing, “I’m sure you want to get home and shower before you go pick up Logan. So why don’t we talk about this later?”

  Maybe it was the easy way out. Maybe she was being a coward. But she took the door he offered her. She stood up, feeling a little dizzy and unsteady. And she did her best to straighten her disheveled clothes.

  Adam did the same. He looked even worse than she did.

  “I’ll call you later,” she said, wanting him to know that she wasn’t going to close him out, no matter how tempting it was to hide in a dark hole.

  “Good. We can talk then.”

  So Zoe left Adam’s apartment, and she was sure everyone she saw—Carson, the doorman, the driver Adam called up to take her home—assumed that her rumpled clothes, messy hair, flushed cheeks, and slightly swollen lips meant Adam had given her a very good time.

  If she was honest, she would have to admit he had. Her body still felt wonderfully good—deliciously sated after two good orgasms and still tingling in all the places he’d pleasured her.

  But it wasn’t what it must look like. She and Adam could never just have a wild night and have it mean nothing.

  She wasn’t a fool. It meant something. She knew that.

  She just didn’t know what it meant.

  Twelve

  Zoe didn’t have a good day.

  She tried to sleep for an hour or so, but she couldn’t do anything but toss and turn and worry about what had happened between her and Adam. She had to go to work later that morning, and she managed to muddle through it well enough, since she had long practice in functioning without much sleep.

  But at lunchtime she gave herself a little lecture about not being a coward, and she made herself call Adam to get the first awkward conversation over with.

  It wasn’t as bad as she’d feared. Adam sounded busy and a little distracted, but they agreed he would come over to her place for dinner after work.

  She spent most of the afternoon rehearsing what she would say to Adam, how she could smooth over the tension that had developed between them.

  She dreaded the long, difficult conversation she was sure was waiting for them.

  It ended up being nothing of the kind. Adam arrived around six and by mutual, silent consent they talked casually and naturally as they fixed dinner and ate with Logan. Then, when they’d cleaned up and set Logan up with his blocks on the floor and his favorite music playing, hopefully drowning out their conversation, they sat down in the living area—Zoe on the couch and Adam in Josh’s favorite leather chair.

  “Well,” Zoe began, feeling the knot in her belly tighten.

  “Yeah,” Adam repeated, his eyes resting on her face with that characteristic careful expression.

  Determined to get it over with, she blurted out, “I…I’m not sure I’m ready for another relationship yet.”

  She spun her wedding band on her finger nervously.

  Adam nodded, not a flicker of expression on his face. “I understand that. It’s barely been a year.”

  It would actually be a year next week. Zoe couldn’t believe so much time had gone by since Josh’s death.

  A lot of people were ready to move on after a year.

  She didn’t know why she wasn’t.

  “And when you are ready for a relat
ionship?” Adam prompted, very softly, as if he were going out of his way not to apply any pressure on her.

  Zoe appreciated it, but it also made her feel incredibly guilty. “I don’t know. I know we’re attracted to each other. At least…”

  “I think the attraction is a given.”

  “And I hope you know how much I care about you.”

  “But?”

  “It just feels wrong to pursue anything. Doesn't it feel wrong to you?”

  “No. It really doesn’t. There’s nothing wrong with our getting together.”

  “I know that. It’s just…” She trailed off, not capable of describing why a relationship with Adam somehow felt off-limits to her. Taboo.

  Instead, she went on, “Besides, we can’t jeopardize the relationship we have now. You’re too important to me. And if this…this attraction didn’t work out, then we might…we might lose it.”

  “I agree we can’t lose what we have.”

  “So you don’t want to start something with me?” Her cheeks burned, which was absolutely ridiculous. “It sounded like, from what you said last night, that you’d been waiting…that you’d wanted…”

  “I’ve been attracted to you for a while,” Adam explained, his expression still calm but his voice a little stiff. “And I think it might be worth pursuing this. But I had drunk too much last night, and I don’t want you to place too much significance on what I might have said.”

  Zoe felt a rush of relief. She hated—hated—the idea of Adam waiting for her for so long, longing for her. But maybe it wasn’t as intense as it had sounded. “Okay. That’s good.”

  She sat in silence and stared down at her hands for a full minute. “I don’t know, Adam. I’m confused. And kind of scared.”

  “I know you are.” There was something almost poignant in his voice, but then he cleared his throat and said more naturally, “My timing last night was very bad—it shouldn’t have happened the way it did. I should have done better.”

  “No,” she objected immediately. “It’s wasn’t your fault.”

  He shrugged off her defense of him. “Either way, we’re not ready to move into that kind of relationship right now. I knew that. I was just…” He didn’t finish that thought. “Why don’t we go on for the time being the way we were before? We can admit that we’re attracted to each other without acting on it. If you get to the point where you would like to reconsider or if it’s getting in the way of our friendship, then we can return to this discussion. But I’m not sure we’re at the place right now to make any final decisions about it.”