Bittersweet

by Noelle Adams

  Another wave of relief washed over her. Things wouldn't seem quite as frightening or overwhelming if she wasn’t weighed down with the pressure of making such a huge decision immediately. But it seemed too good to be true. “Are you sure, Adam? I can’t stand for you to want something from me that I can’t give you.”

  Adam’s eyes met hers without wavering. “You don’t have to worry about me, Zoe.”

  “But I don’t want for you to be unhappy.”

  “I’m not unhappy.” When she started to object again, he spoke over her, emotion twisting on his features for the first time, “Zoe, I’m telling you the truth. For the last year…” His voice broke, an obvious sign that whatever he was trying to express was incredibly hard for him to say. “For the last year, I’ve felt like I’ve had family again. A real family. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I’ve felt that way? I swear to you—I’m not unhappy.”

  Zoe had to turn away, her eyes burning and her throat closing up.

  He reached out and put a hand on her knee. “Zoe, please don’t cry. I can’t stand it.”

  “I’m not,” she lied, her shoulders shaking and her eyes squeezed shut. After a moment, however, she controlled herself. She got up and reached out to pull Adam into a hug.

  For just a moment, Adam held her so tightly she could barely breathe.

  She couldn’t lose him. Whatever happened between them, there was absolutely no way she could lose him.

  And she also knew that he couldn’t lose her either.

  * * *

  Almost two weeks later, Zoe gazed around at the master bedroom of her new house. She wouldn't close on the house until the following week, but she’d gone over to make some plans about furniture arrangement and prepare for any purchases she would need to make.

  The new house had a lot more rooms than her loft apartment, so she would need to get more furniture to fill it.

  “My bedroom stuff would look terrible in here,” Zoe finally concluded, staring at the gorgeous antique ivory wallpaper on the accent wall.

  “Yes,” Adam agreed. “It would.”

  Zoe and Josh had picked out their bedroom set just before they’d gotten married. Zoe liked it, but the black leather upholstered headboard and sleek modern lines would be a jarring contrast to the traditional architecture and soft tones of her new bedroom. “I hate to just get rid of it. It’s still in really good condition.”

  It also reminded her very deeply of Josh.

  “It would fit in the big guest room, and it would suit that room a lot better than this one. Why don’t you put it in there and get something new for this bedroom?”

  “Yeah,” she agreed with a smile, starting to get excited about the prospect of picking out whatever bedroom furniture she wanted for her new room. “That’s what I’ll do. I’d love a big old-fashioned four-poster bed. Do you think that would be over-the-top?”

  “No. It would be great in this room. I know a good antiques dealer. If you want, we can go see him. If you tell him exactly what you want, he’ll find it for you.”

  “Perfect. Thanks!”

  Adam pulled out his smartphone. “I’ll call him now. Maybe we can see him this afternoon.”

  Zoe watched fondly as he got on the phone to make things happen. Since it was a Sunday, Adam was dressed casually in a gray trousers and a camp shirt, but he applied the same focused determination to outfitting her new house that he did to his business projects.

  She wasn’t at all surprised to learn that they had an appointment with Adam’s antiques dealer in two hours.

  Logan had been running around the big empty room, climbing on the window seat and trying to peer out the big windows. He’d been happily amusing himself, and she’d been so focused on Adam’s phone conversation that she momentarily lost sight of him.

  When she heard an unexpected sound from the master bathroom, she paused. She and Adam stared at each other for a second, both trying to identify the sound.

  “Logan,” Adam called, striding into the bathroom, “you’re not turning on the water in the bathtub, are you?”

  The boy would have had to climb up over the side of the bathtub in order to reach the faucet.

  Logan’s delighted laugh told Zoe—even before she made it into the bathroom to see for herself—that was exactly what her enterprising and surprising agile son had done.

  * * *

  A week later, she had closed on both her loft apartment and her new home, and that Sunday the movers came to move her and Logan into their new place.

  Her new bedroom furniture had arrived a few days earlier, and she’d moved some of her clothes and personal items over herself. So, in the midst of the chaos of the move, Zoe snuck into her new bedroom and had a private gush over how lovely everything looked.

  It had been kind of hard to watch all of the furniture she and Josh had picked out get moved out of their loft apartment. But there was too much to do to get bogged down in depression, and Zoe was as excited about starting again in her new home as she was sad at saying goodbye to her old one.

  Knowing that she needed to make sure the movers knew where to put everything, she gave herself one more moment to gaze is satisfaction at her lovely new bedroom. Then she went back downstairs to see how much progress the movers had made.

  They’d gotten most of the large furniture in place downstairs, and Zoe liked how her favorite dark red sofa looked with the big leather chair in front of the traditional fireplace in the living room. She’d bought a new area rug—a Turkish rug in reds and browns—to tie the colors and modern lines together with the traditional room.

  Adam stood in the middle of the floor, overseeing the progress. He looked hot with a damp spot on the back of his brown shirt. Logan was hanging from his neck. “That goes in the second room to the right upstairs,” he told the men who were carrying in Zoe’s old bedroom furniture. “The headboard goes against the wall across from the window.”

  When the men had passed, he walked over to the window to rearrange the side chairs that had been placed there haphazardly. Logan squealed in excitement as Adam’s motion bounced him around. “Un-Cla Lala hosey! Un-Cla Lala hosey!”

  Adam adjusted the small boy so that he was more secure on his back. “Uncle Adam is not in the habit of being a horse,” he replied, evidently unaware that Zoe was standing in the entryway to the room.

  Logan laughed, his face red and beaming.

  But before Zoe could eavesdrop on any more of that charming conversation, another mover came into the house carrying a console table.

  “Where does this go, sir?” he asked Adam.

  “Why don’t you put it behind the red sofa for now?”

  That was exactly where Zoe would have put it. She was about to say as much when Adam glanced back and saw her standing there. After a brief, surprised expression, he gave her a rueful smile. “Is that where you want it?”

  She nodded, feeling an odd lump of emotion in her throat. “Thanks.” She cleared her throat when her voice broke a little.

  Adam gave her a quick, penetrating look, but then was distracted by the entry of more movers carrying her old round dining table, which would now go in the kitchen.

  Logan got a ride into the kitchen as Adam followed the movers. But Zoe stayed where she was, trying to figure out why she felt suddenly so emotional.

  It wasn’t the bitter grief of recognizing more and more how much Josh was gone, and it wasn’t the pained confusion of not knowing how or when to move on.

  It was something else. Something like tenderness. Prompted by watching Adam do something as simple as direct movers in her new home with her son clinging to his neck.

  Things between them for the last three weeks had been remarkable easy. They’d interacted as they normally did, with no obvious awkwardness or self-consciousness. Zoe, of course, couldn’t forget what had happened between them that night, and she certainly couldn’t deny how deeply she was attracted to him.

  Acting on her desires that one t
ime had made it impossible for her to repress her feelings—and she spent far more time than she was comfortable with in bed at night thinking about touching Adam, about Adam touching her.

  But it wasn’t lust that had swelled up inside her just now, although Adam looked incredibly virile and masculine all hot and sweaty and focused. It was something deeper. Fondness. Belonging. Tenderness.

  It seemed so impossible—almost ludicrous—that Adam Peterson would have become such an essential part of her life in just a year. But he had. He was her family, and she didn’t want anything to hurt him.

  Not even her.

  When he’d finally let himself go that night, when he’d finally kissed and caressed her, he’d been so incredibly hungry. Needy.

  Josh had never been needy.

  Josh had loved her. Zoe had never doubted that. And he’d found comfort and solace in her when he needed it. But, by nature and upbringing, Josh was fundamentally self-contained. Nearly all of their fights had revolved around this issue—Zoe pushing for him to be more emotionally vulnerable, and Josh insisting he was sharing with her as much as he possibly could.

  She’d eventually believed him. He was a kind and passionate husband. He loved her and Logan deeply and sincerely. But he wasn’t by nature sensitive.

  Understanding this truth about Josh hadn’t meant that she loved him any less.

  Adam was different. At heart, he was incredibly sensitive. He felt things very deeply. And Zoe was starting to wonder if she had the power to hurt Adam in a way Josh would never have let her hurt him.

  So it was hard for her to process what the hunger, the neediness in Adam that night might mean. It was so foreign to her experiences, so different from any way she’d ever been with Josh.

  But, for some reason, it thrilled her—the fact that, beneath Adam’s uber-competent exterior, he might really need her so much.

  That, however, just made her feel guilty too, that she was excited about something in Adam that she’d never had in Josh.

  She blinked when she realized Adam had returned to the living room and was giving her a strange, questioning look.

  “Everything all right?” he asked, holding Logan against his side now.

  She nodded. “Yeah. Just kind of overwhelmed by all of this.” She waved her hand around, hoping he would understand her words as referring to the move rather than their relationship.

  “Well,” he said with a half a smile, “It’s a big thing. It should be overwhelming.”

  Something in his eyes made her wonder if he meant the move or if he realized what she was really talking about.

  “Mommy!” Logan exclaimed, his face breaking out in a smile at the sight of her. He reached his arms out in her direction.

  She walked over to pull her son into a hug. Then, acting on impulse, she stretched up to kiss Adam on the cheek.

  His brows drew together. “What was that for?”

  She smiled up at him, that same tenderness swelling up in her chest again. It simply wouldn't be denied. “That was for you.”

  Thirteen

  Zoe stared down at the bottom line of the spreadsheet that Michael Murray had been going over with her. “Wow,” she breathed. “Looks like it’s been a really good quarter.”

  Michael nodded with the sober smile that characterized the man. “Yes. We’ve done really well.”

  Zoe met with Michael once a month to go over business details connected to Byte Tech. She certainly would have trusted Adam to update her on the monthly report, but Adam insisted from the beginning that Michael do it instead.

  At first, Zoe had thought Adam simply wanted an onerous duty off his plate. Now she knew better. She suspected Adam had originally thought that Zoe would be more comfortable with Michael and that she would trust him more to give her a true picture.

  “So it’s been a year,” Zoe said, looking at the kind face of the man who had been Josh’s best friend. “You think the way we’re handling things is working out pretty well so far?”

  “Absolutely. I can’t imagine things going better.”

  “And you’re happy working with Adam? It’s working out for you and the rest of the staff?”

  “Yes. No worries there. I was a little worried at first, since I thought he’d be a micromanager. But he’s not at all. He trusts the team to do our jobs and gives us what we need. In fact, he’s remarkable. I’ve never known anyone with better instincts. A couple of times, I doubted his recommendations, but I ended up being dead wrong.”

  Zoe smiled, irrationally pleased to hear Michael’s praise of Adam. “Somehow, it doesn’t surprise me that those kinds of instincts would be second nature to him.”

  “That’s a good way to put it. With everything else he has on his plate, he can only give us a few hours of his time a week. But, with only that investment of time, he’s not only managed to sustain the company, he’s actually helped us grow. You can see the evidence in the bottom line there.” Michael, normally a reserved man, must really be impressed by Adam to express such verbose enthusiasm.

  Zoe looked back down at the spreadsheet and shook her head faintly. “Yeah. I guess he can do in a few hours a week what, for Josh, was a full-time job.”

  She’d spoken her thoughts without any bitterness or reproach. Just a simple statement of fact. But when she saw Michael’s expression, she immediately regretted her words.

  “I didn’t mean to imply that Josh wasn't as good,” Michael said in a rush, guilt twisting on his face. “I never would have said such a thing. He built this company out of nothing. You know how much I loved and respected him.”

  “I know,” Zoe assured him. “I know you weren’t implying Josh was lacking in any way. I loved and respected Josh too, and I was totally blown away by the success he made of this company. But Adam is just brilliant. There’s no way around that. And it doesn’t mean that Josh wasn't good enough. I’m not brilliant. You’re not brilliant. There’s nothing wrong with that. Josh wasn’t brilliant either.” With another sigh, she smiled at Michael, only slightly bittersweet. “But he was wonderful anyway.”

  Michael smiled back at her. “Yeah. He was.”

  They held the moment for a length of time, and Zoe suddenly realized that—although they were sharing a deep affection for Josh—neither one of them was close to tears.

  She wondered when it had happened that she could think about Josh, appreciate Josh, love Josh…without always crying over his loss.

  She was distracted from the idea when Michael said, “Anyway, things have worked very well with Adam’s leadership for the last year, and I have no reason to expect them not to work in the future.”

  “Great. We’ll just carry on with things as they are then.” After a pause, she voiced the question that was on her mind, given the direction of their conversation. “I wonder why Josh didn’t want to bring Adam in when he started this company. It seems like it would have been a good idea.”

  “I think so too,” Michael agreed.

  “I always assumed he didn’t trust Adam, although now I’m not exactly sure why.”

  “I think he felt threatened by Adam.”

  “Because Adam is so brilliant?”

  “Yes,” Michael replied, drawing out the word thoughtfully. “That would be part of it. But I think he was threatened by more than just that. Adam had the background and education that Josh never had. And, of course—”

  When he cut off his next words, Zoe looked at him curiously. “And what?”

  Michael shook his head. “Nothing. I think there were a lot of reasons Josh felt threatened by him, and you know how Josh reacted when he felt threatened.”

  “Not well. I think he was coming around to Adam though. At the end, I think he…I think he wanted a connection with him.”

  “I think so too.”

  * * *

  “And here’s the master bedroom,” Zoe announced, leading her mom into her new bedroom. “Doesn’t it look great?”

  She’d felt a ridiculous thrill of pride as s
he’d showed her mother around her new home. It was the first time she’d visited since Zoe moved.

  “It’s fabulous,” her mom said, gazing around. “I just love that bed.”

  “Isn’t it beautiful? Adam helped me find it through an antiques dealer he knows.” Zoe walked over to caress the old wood of one of the posters and then moved her hand down to the cream-colored duvet cover. “I wake up every morning and get this silly thrill over the fact that I’m sleeping in this bed.”

  “Well, it’s definitely not like anything you had growing up. And I love the oil painting over the fireplace.”

  Zoe glanced over at the large piece of art hanging over the fireplace mantle—an impressionist-style landscape of Lake Pace in greens, blues and golds. “Do you think it’s good? We actually commissioned it because we couldn’t find a piece that would suit the style and colors.”

  She laughed, remembering Adam’s response to several of the flowery paintings they’d looked at. He’d been careful not to impose his opinion, but she’d read it very easily in his lifted eyebrows and curled lip. She’d been tempted to pick out something she knew he hated, just to see how he’d handle it. But nothing he hated she really liked, and she wasn’t going to spend a lot of money for a painting she didn’t love—just to tease Adam. So when he suggested they commission a piece from a local artist he knew, she thought that was a great idea. She could get exactly what she wanted for her room.

  “It’s perfect.” Her mother paused then, slanting Zoe a sharp look. Then said casually. “It seems like Adam was pretty involved in decorating your house.”

  To her annoyance, her cheeks reddened. “What is that supposed to mean?”