Bittersweet

by Noelle Adams

  She gave a half-shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t think so.” Her earlier panic had subsided—she still wasn’t sure what had caused it—and now she felt restless, disoriented, and tired, but kind of wired at the same time. “I kind of want to go to bed too, but I don’t think I’d be able to sleep.”

  She walked with him to the living room where she sank down onto a couch.

  “Do you want a glass of wine?” Adam asked, pouring Merlot into a glass at the bar on the other side of the room.

  “Sure.”

  He poured a second glass and brought one over to her. Then he sat on the sofa beside her. He still wore the business suit he’d been wearing earlier, although his tie was loosened a little and he’d taken off his shoes. As she watched, he fiddled with his watch for a moment before he took it off and laid it on the table beside him.

  Zoe felt a familiar tightness in her chest, as well as a few flutters of desire at seeing Adam so obviously at home. But she ignored the feelings and instead tried to relax, clear her mind, and recover from the evening.

  They drank their wine in mostly silence, broken only by a few idle remarks.

  She felt more relaxed when she placed her empty glass on the coffee table beside Adam’s.

  “We can watch TV or a movie, if you want,” Adam offered, watching her as if he were trying to figure something out.

  She shook her head and was going to say that she might just go to bed, when she heard herself saying, “Okay.”

  The television came on to a cable news network, but Zoe didn’t feel like watching a bunch of depressing news. So Adam flipped around until they found a movie that was halfway tolerable.

  Zoe didn’t pay much attention to it, but at least it served as white noise to keep her mind off everything else that threatened to overwhelm her.

  She had no idea how it happened, but at some point during the movie she ended up cuddled against Adam's side, his arm wrapped around her.

  It was so comforting—feeling the heat from his body and his warm, masculine scent. He was hard and lean, but his suit jacket was soft against her cheek. And it felt so entirely natural that she hardly questioned the position until the movie ended and there was no further distraction.

  She shifted against him, fighting through a flurry of nerves to look up into his face.

  He gazed down at her, something soft and speaking in his nearly black eyes.

  She couldn't help but respond to his expression—it so closely matched her own feelings. She stretched up as he leaned down, and their mouths met midway in a kiss.

  She’d expected the kiss to be soft and sweet, but it got urgent surprisingly soon. She dug her fingers into his shoulders, loving how firm and real he was. His tongue tangled with hers in heated hunger as his hand slid down to cup her bottom.

  She whimpered against his lips, her body surging with pleasure and need. When their lips finally parted, he ducked his head lower and mouthed lines along her jawbone and down her neck.

  “Zoe,” he murmured against her skin. “Zoe. Do you have any idea how incredible you are? How beautiful and sweet and strong? Do you have any idea how much I want you?”

  She gasped as her body tightened with arousal, and as her chest overflowed with waves of conflicting emotion. She squirmed in his arms, trying to process if the ache inside her was desire, grief, terror, or unbearable emotional need.

  One of her hands had slipped up unconsciously to stroke Adam’s face. He groaned in response, and the throaty sound triggered rippling pleasure all through her body.

  It also triggered something else.

  A vision of Adam in a burning house.

  Adam, as dead as Josh was.

  Drowning in a sudden panic, she pushed him away instinctively. “I’m sorry, Adam. I’m sorry. I have to think.”

  His expression was briefly pained as he released her, but he composed himself quickly. “What do you need to think about? Maybe I can help.”

  “I still don’t know about all this. I told you before…” Her voice broke on the last word.

  “I know. I know it’s hard. But you can’t pretend you’re not feeling anything for me. There is something between us.”

  “I know there is. I know it.”

  It was the first time she’d acknowledged in words the nature of her feelings for Adam, of his feelings for her. And, for some reason, saying it aloud made it real, meant she would be broken again if she lost him.

  She choked on a sob as grief and terror slammed into her in merciless succession.

  Adam seemed so warm and alive beside her.

  His cousin, her husband, was cold in the ground.

  And there was nothing to guarantee it wouldn’t happen to Adam too.

  “I’m so sorry,” she rasped, stumbling to her feet, “I can’t do this. I just can’t.”

  She hurried out of the room, blinded by tears and fighting the ludicrous impulse to go back and comfort Adam, whom she’d treated unforgivably.

  But she didn’t turn back. She went into the guest room she was sharing with Logan, changed into her pajamas, and got into bed in the dark.

  She cried silently for a really long time, wishing it didn't have to be so hard, so confusing, so endlessly conflicted.

  She was so upset that she eventually called her mother, even though it was late and her mom might already be in bed. She spoke softly, so she wouldn’t wake Logan.

  After assuring her mother that there was no emergency, she tried to explain why she’d called.

  She wasn’t very articulate, but her mom seemed to understand anyway.

  “You told him you couldn’t be with him?”

  “Yeah.” Zoe was still choking on sobs.

  “What did you tell him about why?”

  “I didn’t tell him. I just ran away. I was horrible to him. I’m horrible.”

  “Oh, honey, you’re not. You’re just scared. After what you’ve been through, you’d be crazy not to be scared.”

  “So how do I not be?”

  “I wish I knew. I wish there was a magic fix to make it all better.” There was a pause, and it sounded like her mom was getting her own emotions under control. “But death is always the hardest thing.”

  Zoe wiped away tears with the back of her hand. “I don’t want to be scared anymore.”

  “You know what the Bible says?”

  “Are you really going to quote the Bible to me right now?”

  “I promise I’m not going to preach. Just listen. It might help. It says that love is as strong as death.”

  Zoe had been about to object, but something about the words silenced her.

  “Do you understand what it means, Zoe? It means you can still love Josh, even though he’s dead. It means that you can love both of them. It means you don’t always have to be afraid.”

  Sobbing helplessly now, Zoe tried to respond, but she couldn’t.

  When she’d finally controlled herself, her mother said, “You know you can call me any time you want, but don’t you think you should go talk to Adam now?”

  “Yeah. I think I better.”

  After ending the call, Zoe lay on the bed for a moment, her whole body hurting.

  Then she slid her wedding band off her finger, kissed it, and put it on the nightstand.

  Without letting her talk herself out of it, she got out of bed, quietly left the room, and walked barefoot down the polished hall of the apartment.

  She didn't really know where to find him, but she ended up in the study, where Adam was still awake and dressed, sitting behind his desk.

  He had his head in his hand, and he was staring down at a document on his desk. Maybe he was just reading it.

  But for some reason he looked defeated.

  She made a noise in her throat—of compassion, of guilt, of affection—as she saw how heavy and aching he appeared, still trying to work at almost four in the morning.

  He straightened with a jerk at the sound, and his eyes flew over to where she stood in the doorway
. “Zoe? What’s the matter?”

  She tried to speak but her mouth was too dry, and she had to try again before she could say one cracked word. “Nothing.”

  He stood up, and she walked over to him. She knew she must look horrible, with tangled hair and a raw, tear-streaked face, wearing nothing but a white tank and pajama pants. But he didn’t seem to notice. His eyes devoured her, conveying the most intense, urgent question she’d ever seen.

  “I can’t stand to—” Her voice broke again, and she had to restart. “I can’t stand to lose you.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. You take all the time you need. This is where I want to be.”

  He hadn’t understood.

  She tried again. “I can’t stand to lose you too.”

  And that he understood. His expression softened with grief for a moment, a reminder of how much he’d loved Josh too.

  Then he said in a low voice, “Baby, I can’t guarantee anything except I’ll be here for you every moment I’m alive.”

  Tears streamed down her cheeks as she gazed up at him.

  “Is that going to be enough?” He cupped her face now with both hands.

  She reached out and clutched a handful of his shirt, realizing that what she felt for him was bigger—so much bigger—than any fear that he might die. “Yeah. It is. It’s enough.”

  Fifteen

  Adam stared at Zoe, almost blankly.

  Her heart was beating wildly, and her hands shook a little as they clung to his jacket lapels. Finally, she prompted, “Adam?”

  Ridiculously, she experienced a wave of self-consciousness about having thrown herself at him with so little prelude.

  “You mean—” he began, his expression still frozen strangely.

  Zoe’s cheeks flushed and she dropped her hands to her sides. “Yeah,” she mumbled, looking down. “It’s enough. I want to be with you.”

  Adam made an odd sound and, when she glanced up, his face had completely transformed.

  She swallowed hard, suddenly overwhelmed by the shattering expression on his face, in his eyes. Like everything he’d held back for so long was suddenly set free. “If you still want,” she added, rather stupidly.

  He made another choked sound—this one almost like a laugh—and grabbed her face harder and pulled her into an eager kiss.

  As his lips claimed hers, a flood of pleasure and need slammed into her. She clutched at him again, her own hunger matching his.

  After a few seconds, Zoe’s whole body hummed with desire and a kind of urgency she hadn’t experienced in ages. So, when Adam tore his mouth away, she let out a frustrated grunt.

  “Zoe, are you sure?” he asked, studying her so searchingly it was like he could see into her soul.

  She nodded, one of her hands twisted in his tie. “Oh yeah, Adam. Take me to bed.”

  He made another guttural noise, his eyes briefly conveying that same overwhelming mingling of need, awe, and absolute relief before she lost sight of everything in his kiss.

  She opened her mouth to him, pulling him as close as she could. The feelings and sensations spiraled up again so quickly that she found herself trying to wrap herself around him, feel him as much as she could. His lean hard body, his hot tension, and his clutching hands only fueled her own desire.

  She was so caught up in the kiss that she squealed in surprise when her balance was suddenly disrupted. Her arms flew out to cling to his neck as he swung her up into his arms.

  “What are you doing?” she gasped, fluttering between surprise and giddy delight as he started to carry her out of the study and down the hallway.

  “I’m taking you to bed.” His skin glistened with a sheen of sweat, and his hair was hopelessly rumpled.

  She couldn’t believe—couldn’t wrap her mind around—the way he seemed to want her so much.

  He carried her into his bedroom where he laid her on the bed. She drew him down on top of her, before he could take off any of his clothes.

  They kissed again, even more urgently than before. Zoe clawed at his jacket, trying to get it off over his shoulders. At the same time, she wrapped one of her legs around his hips, instinctively trying to get friction on her building arousal.

  “Zoe,” Adam rasped, his mouth tracing a line along her jaw and then down her neck. “You’re so sweet. So…damn!” His voice broke off when she found the bulge at the front of his pants and started to rock against it with her hips.

  She whimpered in response to both his words and the feel of his arousal against hers. Then she gasped when she felt his hand slide between their bodies and then slip under the waistband of her pajamas.

  He kissed her again as he stroked her intimately. She tried to concentrate on the kiss, on the motion of her lips and her tongue, but her body began to shake as her desire built up sooner than she could have expected.

  She couldn’t remember ever being so turned on so quickly. It was like some sort of hot hunger had taken possession of her body.

  Her head jerked to the side as the pleasure intensified, and Adam raised his head so he could watch as she rocked into the rhythm of his hand.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he murmured. “I’ve never known anyone as beautiful as you.”

  She bit her lip hard, closing her eyes as the sensations built. Then her spine arched up and her mouth fell open in a silent cry as the pleasure coalesced into a hard climax.

  “Oh God!” she gasped, as she shuddered down from her release. “Oh God!”

  She met Adam’s eyes and saw an almost feral possessiveness there that both thrilled and terrified her. Suppressing those feelings, she quirked her lips at him. “Wow. That was pretty good.”

  His arched one eyebrow. “Pretty good?”

  “Well, I clearly didn’t make you try very hard.”

  He gave her an answering smile. “Who said I’m through trying?” Then he lowered his face to her neck again to mouth the sensitive spot just over her pulse.

  The distraction of their dry conversation faded almost immediately as Adam began to kiss and caress her again. With her first climax taking a momentary edge off her arousal, Zoe managed to focus enough to tackle the task of undressing him.

  She finished pulling off his jacket and then slid off his tie and untucked his shirt. In this process, she was hampered by the fact that Adam refused to get up or stop touching her.

  He’d pushed up her tank top and was suckling one of her breasts, the stimulation driving her crazy. She’d gotten her hands under his shirt so she could feel his bare back, but soon her intensifying desire caused her to dig her fingernails into his skin.

  He slid his hand between her legs again and found exactly the right spot to massage.

  Zoe cried out loudly at the sharp jolt of pleasure.

  Adam was breathing fast, and his body pulsed with heat as he pleasured her breast with his mouth and stroked her with his hand.

  Before she completely lost it again, she fumbled with the button and zipper on his trousers until she could find his erection.

  Adam grunted against her nipple when she wrapped her hand around his length and squeezed.

  They built up a rhythm between them, their bodies rocking together instinctively and Zoe trying to please him with her hand as much as he was pleasing her.

  Her body tightened and then started to shake as he caressed her to orgasm. She could feel Adam’s body tighten too.

  “Oh, Zoe,” Adam rasped, releasing her nipple as his head jerked to the side. His hips were still moving involuntarily into the rhythm of her hand. “I’m going to…to lose it.”

  For some reason, his uncontrolled exclamation—his obvious need of her—drove Zoe over the edge. She jerked a few times against the stroking of his fingers and then felt the deep tension inside her shatter.

  She made a choked, wordless sound as she came hard, her hand still squeezing him and her body rubbing against him however she could.

  Adam choked, “Zoe, Zoe.” His entire body tightened like a fist. Then he came
too, hard and clearly before he wanted to.

  He collapsed halfway on top of her, his hot, relaxing body feeling delicious on top of hers.

  “Just great,” Adam muttered, pulling himself up after a moment.

  She giggled and drew him up into a hug. “What’s the matter?”

  He gave her a dry look but settled into her embrace. “I’m not setting a very good precedent with you so far.”

  “I think it’s a very good precedent. And I assume it doesn’t have to be over yet.”

  “Your faith in my powers of recovery is gratifying. Let’s hope it’s not ill-founded.”

  Zoe squeezed him in her arms and laughed out loud, surprised by a burst of amusement at both the clever words and his ironically aggrieved tone. “I know you’re not as young as you used to be, but I’m sure your powers of recovery can make a comeback before the night is over.”

  He chuckled, his face buried in the hollow of her neck. They lay together for a while, Zoe feeling surprisingly relaxed and comforted—not just in the aftermath of her orgasms but in the warmth and strength of Adam’s presence.

  They knew each other so well. They cared for each other so much. And, for some reason, this seemed natural at the moment rather than a huge, dramatic step.

  Zoe didn’t think very deeply about the significance. She just enjoyed holding Adam in her arms, feeling his weight on top of her, matching her breathing with his.

  She slid her hands under his shirt again so she could stroke his back over the lines she’d scratched into his skin before. Then she moved up to caress his head. She loved the feel of his hair under her fingertips, the thickness, the adorable little kinks.

  He released a long, thick groan after a minute, and she knew he liked how it felt.

  So she continued, her fingers sliding down to his neck and shoulders and then returning to rub his scalp through his hair.

  He moaned again, very softly, but his obvious pleasure affected Zoe deeply. It didn’t take long for her body to shift gears and go from relaxed to tightly aroused once more.

  When Adam didn’t move, Zoe began to gently rock beneath him, instinctively reacting to his weight on top of her and the tightening of desire at her center. She continued to stroke him, loving when he gasped or groaned in response. She felt him start to harden against her thigh.