Bittersweet

by Noelle Adams

  Until finally he raised himself up with a throaty sound. “Baby, you’re going to kill me.” He gazed down at her, his eyes hot and hungry. And for a moment it seemed like the words might actually be true. He seemed to be drowning in her, overwhelmed in a way she’d never seen before.

  Zoe managed to smile. “Just giving your powers of recovery a little shove.”

  He smiled back at her then, and she relaxed in the fact that this was Adam, whom she knew better than almost anyone.

  Then he reached over to the nightstand and fumbled around until he pulled a condom packet out of the drawer. He quickly rid himself of his remaining clothes, while Zoe undressed as well. Then he positioned himself between her legs and stared down at her.

  “Zoe, are you sure?” he asked, his body deliciously tense again and his eyes taking on that hungry look that was so overwhelming.

  “Yeah,” she said, her voice breaking on the word. “Oh yeah.” She reached up to pull him down into a kiss.

  It wasn't just her body that wanted him. All of her did. And it was all of her that gasped in pleasure as he slid himself inside her for the first time.

  He was big, and she was tight from going so long without sex.

  “Oh God!” she cried, as her inner walls clung to the penetration and her body shuddered in reaction.

  “Damn, baby,” Adam rasped at the same time, ducking his head and holding himself perfectly still, braced on his arms above her.

  They lay that way, joined together, on the cusp between desire and action, for a long stretch of silence.

  It seemed impossible that this was her—intimately entangled with Adam Peterson, with the cousin of her husband. But, at the same time, it felt inevitable, like she couldn’t have been anywhere but here.

  She breathed into the emotions, the need, the desire, the too-tight, too-deep sensations. Then she finally writhed, her arousal taking control.

  “Adam,” she panted, “Adam, I need…I need…can you move?” She raised her arms to stroke his shoulders, his neck, his hair.

  Adam opened his eyes. “Oh yeah.” Then he levered his hips and made his first stroke.

  With a little effort, they settled into a fast, pleasing rhythm. And soon Zoe’s existence had narrowed down into the feel of Adam’s hot body above her, the intensifying rocking of his thrusts, the hunger and intensity of his eyes, and accelerating shaking of the bed.

  Zoe was so overwhelmed by her feelings and the sensations that she felt another orgasm spiral up improbably soon. “Oh God!” she gasped, digging her fingers into his neck and shamelessly pumping her hips up to meet each of his thrusts, “Gonna come. Eh, Adam!”

  He made a guttural sound of response and drove into her harder, his body starting to shake with its tension. He seemed to be beyond words, but his eyes were the hottest thing she’d ever seen.

  She came, so hard her vision whited out momentarily. She must have cried out, but she wasn’t conscious of doing so, and her entire body shook as she rode out the spasms with her hips.

  Adam made a loud, uncontrolled exclamation and froze inside her for a moment. Then he was coming too, jerking and moaning as his face contorted with pleasure.

  Zoe collapsed boneless on the bed when she finally came down, and a moment later Adam collapsed on top of her. They lay tangled together, hot skin against hot skin, both of them panting loudly.

  For a minute, she couldn’t move. Didn’t want to but didn’t seem capable of it either way. Adam must have been in the same condition. His face was pressed against her shoulder, occasionally kissing her skin there, but he was otherwise limp, utterly drained.

  Finally, when she felt him softening inside her, she croaked, “Condom.”

  With an agonized groan, Adam managed to roll off her for long enough to take care of the condom. Then he collapsed on top of her again, pulling the covers up over both of them. She wrapped him in her arms.

  She’d never known Adam could need her—need anything—this way. But there was no way she could deny that he did.

  Any more than she could deny that her mind, her heart, her body all cried out for him, even more now than they had before.

  He was evidently still beyond words, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to say anything anyway. So she held him, let him hold her. And she enjoyed the aftermath of their pleasure and the comfort of being in his arms until she fell asleep.

  * * *

  She slept through the night, waking up around six-thirty the next morning. To her surprise, she was still tangled up with Adam, her face pressed up against his chest.

  She lay for a minute, thinking she was a little hot and uncomfortable but it was nice to wake up next to him. He seemed to still be asleep. She loved that he slept so long and so well with her.

  She thought about waking up with Josh.

  Then she thought about one of the last things he’d said to her, shortly before he’d slipped into unconsciousness. He’d been so thin, so pale. But he’d given her the irrepressible smile she’d known since the very first moment she’d met him. He’d said, “Just so you know— you've made me so happy.”

  Zoe’s eyes burned with tears at the memory.

  She managed to control her emotions, but she gently pulled away from Adam, having to displace one of his legs and having to pull her arm out from under his back in the process. She pulled herself up and sat on the edge of the bed, naked and a little sore, and she tried to fight through the tumult of her feelings.

  “Is it bad?” Adam asked, his voice fully awake, utterly neutral.

  She gasped in surprise and turned to study his face. There was no reproach, no indictment in his gaze. Just something like empathy.

  She shook her head. “No, not bad. It was so good, Adam. It was amazing. I don’t regret it.”

  He nodded, still composed, but she thought she saw a flicker of relief in his expression.

  “It’s just…” She cleared her throat and crawled back into bed next to him. “It’s just hard.”

  “I know it is. I’ve been trying not to rush you.”

  “I know,” she whispered, pressing a kiss on his bare shoulder. “Thank you.”

  Then she sat up in bed, the covers bunched around her hips. “I’m sorry it’s taking me so long.”

  He lay with his head still on the pillow and gazed up at her. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

  “I don’t know. I feel like maybe I do. I feel like everyone is expecting me to bounce back quicker than this and secretly judging me for making you wait.”

  “No one is judging you, Zoe.”

  She opened her mouth, thinking of a few of her friends.

  “No one has any right to judge you,” Adam went on, evidently predicting her objection. “You can’t make everything better just by wanting to. It’s real life, and it takes time, and anyone with sense knows that. I know that, and I’ve never blamed you for taking time to heal. It has sometimes been hard for me, but not because you should have done better. Just because life is hard…when someone dies.”

  They stared at each other silently for a while, and Zoe could tell that he meant it, that he didn’t resent anything and so she didn’t need to feel guilty about him. She couldn’t speak immediately, so she just gave him a rather shaky smile.

  He reached up for her and pulled her back down so she was sprawled on top of him. When she lifted her head, he pulled her down into the sweetest, gentlest kiss.

  Zoe hugged him hard, and her chest ached when he hugged her back.

  It was a long time before they pulled back. But, when they did, Zoe settled at his side and looked up into his face. “Is it hard for you that I was married to Josh?”

  His lips parted with a taken breath. “What do you mean?”

  “Doesn’t it feel a little weird to you? Or guilty or something? Like I was his and so I shouldn’t be yours?” Her cheeks burned at her final words, thinking they might be too presumptuous.

  But Adam didn’t seem to think there was any presumption about t
he words. He obviously took them seriously. He glanced away from her as he reflected.

  Then, after a long stretch of silence that grew increasingly tense, he met her eyes and admitted, “No. It doesn’t. But it's different for me. I never really felt like you were his.”

  Zoe’s heart did a weird, nervous skip. “What do you mean?”

  Adam met her eyes and then glanced away. He looked almost trapped, like he'd said more than he'd intended and just realized it. His lips parted, as if he would answer.

  But he didn't.

  “Adam?” she prompted, after a long moment.

  Before he could say anything, she heard a familiar wail, muffled by doors and the hallway.

  She gasped, “Logan!”

  She scrambled out of bed and grabbed her pajama pants and tank top from the floor, feeling awful for thoughtlessly leaving her poor little son to wake up in a strange room all alone.

  “Is he all right?” Adam asked in concern, sitting up in the bed after he heard Logan’s crying grow louder and more anguished.

  “He’s scared, poor baby.” She stumbled on her own feet as she tried to hurriedly put on her pajama pants.

  She was leaving the room as Adam got out of bed, and she couldn’t help but notice that his bare shoulders and back were marked with faint red lines from her fingernails.

  She flushed hot as she remembered how shamelessly eager she’d been the night before.

  But she also felt horribly guilty for letting her own personal issues get in the way of taking good care of her son. So she moved quickly through the hall, bursting into the guestroom where Logan had slept the night.

  They’d put him to bed on a mattress on the floor so he wouldn’t roll off a bed. So now he was sitting in the middle of the mattress, surrounded by bunched up blankets, looking red-faced and very unhappy with his fine hair sticking out in little kinks.

  He wailed even louder when he saw her.

  “I’m here, sweetie,” she said, reaching down to pull him into her arms. “I’m right here. I’m sorry you didn’t know where I was.” She sat down on the other bed, where she’d started sleeping the previous night, and she hugged Logan in her lap.

  He burrowed against her, gurgling and hiccupping his reproach, but the wailing stopped as she stroked his back and murmured soothing words.

  “Momma,” Logan mumbled at last, fisting one little hand in the fabric of her top. Having evidently recovered from the trauma, he looked up at her with a tear-streaked face and wide brown eyes. “Wake up Momma,” he informed her earnestly. Then he babbled out a few more syllables she couldn’t understand.

  “I know. You woke up and Mommy wasn’t here. But I wasn’t far away. And I’m here now. You’re all right, aren’t you?”

  Logan stared at her for a moment, as if he were thinking through the question. Then he gave a firm nod and repeated something garbled that Zoe took to be affirmation.

  Zoe chuckled and gave him a hug. Then she happened to glance over to the doorway of the room and saw that Adam was standing there, watching them. He’d put on a pair of pants and a white t-shirt. She wasn’t sure what to make of his expression, but he asked, “Everything all right?”

  Logan straightened up and looked back toward the door at the sound of Adam’s voice. His face broke out in a smile. “Un-Cla Lala!” he exclaimed. But instead of scrambling down to the floor to run over to greet him, he just nestled against Zoe. “Momma.”

  She smiled and stroked his back, pulling his little shirt down to meet his diaper. “Let’s change your diaper. Then we can have breakfast.”

  “Bek-fest” Logan agreed, letting go of her and trying to crawl down to the floor. “O’s.”

  When he made it to the floor, he started enthusiastically toward the door.

  Adam grabbed him and swung him up. “I think your Mommy wanted to change your diaper first.”

  Zoe was digging into his diaper bag, but she glanced back to see Logan squealing happily as Adam flopped him onto the bed. She changed his diaper quickly and said, “I’m not sure Uncle Adam has Cheerios, but I’m sure he’ll find something good for you to eat.”

  “O’s.” Logan repeated, looking hopefully at Adam.

  Adam’s expression looked momentarily trapped. “I don’t think I have any Cheerios. But I have yogurt.”

  “Go-gur.”

  “And some orange juice.”

  “Onge juice!”

  “And I might be able to dig up a banana.”

  “Nana!” Logan beamed at the promise of such a good breakfast.

  Zoe laughed, strangely touched that Adam knew as well as she did what Logan liked to eat for breakfast.

  They went into the kitchen, where Logan sat in one of the bar stools—next to her so she could make sure it stayed upright—and ate his breakfast.

  Zoe had a cup of coffee and a cranberry scone.

  After he’d finished, she asked Logan, “Do you want some more orange juice?”

  Adam had been leaning against a counter, sipping his coffee, but he straightened up to grab the juice from the refrigerator.

  Logan pushed his empty cup over toward Adam.

  “What do you say to Uncle Adam?” Zoe prompted.

  “Mo pees,” Logan said, watching as Adam brought the bottle over to refill his cup.

  “You’re quite an impressive eater of breakfast,” Adam commented, the corner of his mouth quirking up as he looked at the boy.

  “Bek-fest,” Logan repeated, taking his cup again with both hands.

  “What do you say?” she asked.

  “Thank-oo.”

  Adam smiled fondly. “You’re welcome.”

  Zoe felt exhausted already. She dropped her head onto one hand. It had been a really long night, and it was now Monday morning. It was going to be a long week.

  Adam gave her a questioning look.

  She smiled at him. “Don’t think I didn’t hear you tell my son he eats too much.”

  With a chuckle, Adam finished his coffee. He started to pile up the dishes in the sink when Zoe glanced at the clock on the wall. She bit off a curse.

  “I have to be at work at 9:00 this morning,” she said, sliding off the stool and then helping Logan off his as well. “I need to get going. It’s all right for me to go home just to get showered and changed, right?”

  “I’m sure that’s fine. But your nanny shouldn’t stay in the house with Logan this morning, at least not until they figure out what caused the fire.”

  Zoe paused, thinking quickly. Before she could think of a plan, Adam beat her to it.

  “What about if Logan stays with me today?”

  “Don’t you have to work today?”

  He gave a half-shrug. “I can work from home.”

  “Okay,” she agreed, touched again by the offer. “Thanks.” She called out to Logan, who was sprinting up and down the long hallway. “Do you want to stay with Uncle Adam this morning?”

  Logan’s reply wasn’t very clear, but it was definitely enthusiastic.

  “Just stop by the store for some snacks and other necessary toddler supplies,” she murmured.

  “Naturally.”

  She stood in front of Adam, suddenly self-conscious in her revealing little tank-top and no bra. “About what you said earlier…” She trailed off, not sure how she wanted to ask the question but knowing she needed to.

  Adam cleared his throat. “I, uh, knew you before Josh did,” he began, obviously understanding what she was trying to ask.

  She nodded, gazing up at him, her heart starting to race almost painfully.

  “I know it’s not rational, but I knew you—we had a kind of history—and then Josh came along. All of a sudden you two were together. It felt…it felt wrong.”

  With a frown, she asked, “But why?”

  “I told you it’s not rational, but it just felt incongruous for my cousin to come in and take a woman I knew, one I was friends with, one I was attracted to—”

  “What? You were attracted to me?”<
br />
  “Yeah.”

  “But I didn’t…you never…”

  “Just because I never acted on it doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it. Then Josh was there and…” He trailed off with a shrug.

  She felt a little disoriented and stared down at the floor in order to concentrate. “But when I was married to Josh?”

  “I know you loved him, and I know he loved you. I never for a moment would have tried to come between you. That’s not what I meant. I…I respected your marriage. I simply meant that, because I didn’t know you first as his wife, you were always more to me than just his.”

  Zoe let out a sigh of relief, the most horrifying interpretation of his words having been answered. “Oh." Then she added, "So you were attracted to me? Before now?”

  She tried to wrap her mind around the possibility, but it seemed impossible that the Adam she’d known before this last year would have felt that way about her.

  Adam studied her face, very carefully, almost searchingly. For a moment, it looked like he was going to say something significant. But then his expression changed. “Why wouldn’t I have been attracted to you? You’re a beautiful woman.”

  She rolled her eyes at him, but felt a lot better.

  “And on that subject,” Adam continued with a warm smile that almost took her breath away.

  “What subject?”

  “I was wondering if you might be free on Friday night.”

  Her mouth dropped open. “Are you asking me on a date?”

  “Well, that was my intention. But if you’re going to look so dumbfounded—”

  “No,” she interrupted, “I’d like to. I was just surprised.”

  His gaze deepened. “Did I not make certain things clear last night?”

  She gulped. “Yes, you made things clear.”

  “So, unless you don’t think this is worth pursuing, maybe we should try dating.” He said this in a matter-of-fact tone with no trace of anxiety on his face.

  But she knew better. He wasn’t nearly as comfortable as he was pretending to be. With a little ache in her chest, she reached up to cup his cheek.

  “I think it’s a good idea not to rush things,” he murmured. “I just think we should try this for real.”