by Mercy Amare
Gabe the Babe: I know because I pay an unhealthy amount of attention to you.
Me: Whatever, Gabe.
Gabe the Babe: Just ask him.
“I have a question,” I say. I shouldn’t ask. I know Gabriel is just trying to cause tension for some unknown reason, and this is just going to make things very awkward. “Did Gabe tell you that this is my favorite restaurant?”
“Yes, he did.” Ty says it like it’s no big deal.
“Then why did you say earlier that you remember everything I say?”
Ty avoids the question. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply anything. I just wanted to do something special for you, and Gabe mentioned this was your favorite place. I know your families are tight. I should’ve told you it was his idea, but I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
Right. Because it’s not a big deal. I’m just making it a big deal because I am a complete spaz. Ugh. Ty deserves so much better than me.
Luckily I don’t have to respond. The waitress comes and takes our drink orders. After, I text Gabe back.
Me: Why are you torturing me?
Gabe the Babe: I’m not trying to. I just want you to be happy. I don’t want him to break your heart.
Me: What does it matter if he breaks my heart?
Gabe the Babe: K, you’re awesome, but sometimes you are really dense.
Me: I wish you would stop talking in circles.
Gabe the Babe: Maybe someday… Have fun on your date.
I put away my phone and focus my full attention on Ty. He’s been taking the last five minutes about a motorcycle that he wants. I have no idea what he’s talking about. Maybe I would have if I would’ve been paying attention from the beginning.
I don’t know why I torture myself by talking to Gabe.
And what’s worse, I don’t know why I am still thinking about him.
Damn those beautiful blue eyes.
“Kihanna?” I hear Ty ask.
Oh gosh. How many times has he said my name? I hope not a lot.
“Yeah?”
“I am sorry that I’ve been rambling,” he apologizes. “I just… I’m kind of nervous.”
“You are nervous?” I question.
“Yeah. There is something that I have kind of been wanting to tell you… for a little while now…” He pauses to take a deep breath. “I don’t want to freak you out, but I think I’m falling in love with you… No… I am in love with you.”
His hazel eyes study me, and he waits for me to respond.
“I love you, too,” I blurt out. It feels awkward to say it. And the truth is, I’m not sure if I do love him. But I like him a lot. He’s been so perfect. And here I am stupidly texting Gabriel while I’m on a date with Ty. What is wrong with me?
If anybody is worth loving, it’s Gabe.
Oh my God.
I mean Ty.
If anybody is worth loving, it’s Ty.
Ty is smiling at me. Like a huge smile. A smile that shows just how much he loves me. And I’m sitting here, thinking about another guy. What is wrong with me?
“I can’t believe you love me too. I never thought somebody as amazing as you could ever love me. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world.” Ty’s words melt my heart. He is so easy to love.
I put all thoughts of Gabe to the back of my mind, and I focus on Ty.
“The feeling is mutual. I don’t feel like I deserve to have somebody as amazing as you. I’m actually surprised that you love me.” I really don’t deserve it.
“There is stuff that you don’t know about me. Stuff that has happened to me in the past. Things I’ve done. Things I’ve seen. I know I’m not good enough for you. I should tell you what has happened, but I’m scared that if I tell you that you will run away. I feel like I need to prove myself to you first.”
“You don’t have to prove anything,” I promise. “I am not going anywhere. The past is past, Ty. I love being with you and what happened doesn’t matter to me. Nothing does except you right now.”
“I know. Someday I will be ready, I promise. Will you be patient with me until then?”
“Always, Ty.” Patience is the least he could ask of me. He’s been nothing but patient with me. What other seventeen year old guy would wait two months to have sex with their girlfriend? I’m guessing not many.
Saturday, October 31
7:33 PM
Slut
“I look like a slut,” I tell Courtney. I try to pull down on my very short black dress, but it doesn’t do any good. When I pull it down, my boobs hang out. When I pull it up, it’s dangerously close to showing my vagina.
“You look hot,” she counters. “And Ty will definitely think so too.”
I grin, because Ty will definitely think I look hot.
I look at myself in the mirror again. I’m wearing a sleeveless, little black dress. I have black wings and a black halo. I have on a pair of five-inch black pumps and the necklace that Ty gave me last night. I look amazing. But I still look like a slut.
“Besides, everybody dresses like a slut on Halloween. It’s like the unwritten girl rule,” Ariana pipes in. “Trust me, my costume is just as skimpy.”
“Puh-lease. I’m going as a zombie cheerleader. There is practically nothing to my costume,” Victoria informs me.
“Speaking of costumes, we better go get ready,” Courtney says. “We’ll meet you there.”
“Later,” I tell them. As they are walking out the door, Toby walks in.
“Wow.” His eyes bug out. “So either you and Ty got it on, or you really like torturing him. That costume is just… fucking hot.”
I laugh. “What are you supposed to be?”
Toby doesn’t have a costume on. “I don’t do Halloween.”
“Oh, you’re not coming to the party?”
“I’m coming to the party,” he corrects me. “I always am up for a party. I just don’t dress up for Halloween. I think it’s all pretty lame.”
“So I have a question.” I change the subject. “So last night, Ty told me that he loves me. Do you think it’s too soon to say it?”
He thinks for a few seconds. “How long have you been together?”
“Two months yesterday.”
Toby shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know, honestly. I’m not the best person to ask. I have never had a serious girlfriend. But if you feel like you love him, then I don’t think it’s too soon. You should always be honest about your feelings. Besides, how could he not love you?”
“Aw!” I throw my arms around Toby. “You’re the best stepbrother ever.”
He looks down at my cleavage. “If you decide to dump him, I’m still totally willing to do this whole stepbrother-stepsister thing.”
I gently push him away. “You’re disgusting.”
“You love me.”
I nod. “You know I do.”
“You too,” he says. “So, I guess I’ll see you at the party.”
“Later.”
As Toby leaves my room, I can’t help but think about how much I love having a sibling. It’s fun to have somebody to have fun and joke around with. And even though Toby gives me space at parties, I know he always watches out for me. If anybody ever tried to hurt me, he would protect me. I feel safe with him.
I have to be the luckiest girl on the planet.
8:17 PM
Pressure
I take off my shoes to walk down the stairs. I don’t think it matters how long I wear heels, I will never get used to wearing them. Plus, I’m not exactly the most graceful person. So, just because falling down thirty-two steps sounds miserable, I walk down them barefooted. When I reach the bottom, I put on my shoes and look up to see Ty.
“Wow, you look extremely sexy. Fallen angel was an amazing choice,” Ty compliments me. He’s wearing a red devil costume.
“Thanks.”
Ty puts his arm around my waist and gives me a quick kiss on the lips, and then leads me out to his car. He opens my door for me.
“So,” he says as he climbs in the car. “Gabe’s party is going to be kick ass.”
“Gabe always has kick ass parties.” After only two months, I know this. He’s an only child, so his parents let him do anything that he wants. He will take any excuse he can to celebrate.
“He has a guest bedroom if we want to stay there. I’d like to drink and not have to worry about driving.”
“I won’t be drinking, but if you want to stay you can. I can just catch a ride home with Toby.”
“You won’t stay with me?” Ty pouts.
He freaking pouts!
I shake my head. “I don’t want to stay the night at Gabe’s house. We have school tomorrow, and I’d like to get some sleep.”
“We have been dating two months now.”
“I know.” I hope he’s not going where I think he’s going. I’ve already decided homecoming, which is just over two weeks away. But if he pressures me, it’s just going to make me panic.
“I just thought you might want to stay with me.” I can hear the double meaning in his voice, but I decide to pretend like I have no clue what he’s going to say. I’m praying that I’m wrong.
“Why would I need to stay with you?” I ask.
“We’re in love, Kihanna. People in love have sex. I want to show you how much I love you.”
I’m not sure how to take his comment, but I can feel my face growing warmer. “I’m not having sex with you tonight, Ty. I am not ready. You need to respect that.”
“I’ve been respecting it for two fucking months. I haven’t ever gone this long without sex before.”
“Well, I don’t know what to tell you.” I shrug my shoulders. “But I’m not having sex with you tonight.”
He punches his steering wheel. “You’re so frustrating.”
“And you’re an asshole.” I look out the other side of the window. Really I just want to look anywhere by Ty. I don’t understand why he’s acting like this. Is that why he told me he loved me last night? So that I would have sex with him? Ugh, I can’t believe I was even considering having sex with him.
The rest of the car ride to Gabriel’s house is silent. The second Ty stops the car, I jump out and run toward the house. Maybe it’s immature of me, but if I stayed and talked to him right now, I would definitely say something that I would regret.
“Kihanna!” I hear him yell, but I just walk inside.
Gabe is the first to come up to me. He’s exactly who I don’t want to see.
“Nice,” he says, motioning toward my outfit.
I watch Ty walk inside, and head toward us.
“Can you distract Ty? I’m mad at him right now, and I need to calm down before I speak,” I tell him.
“Want to talk?”
Yes, but not to Gabe. I shake my head. “I’m going to go call my mom. I think this is something I need to talk to her about.”
“Go to my room for privacy.”
I go toward the stairs and see Gabe stop Ty. I’ll have to thank him later.
I know exactly where Gabe’s room is. I come here often for parties, and his mom invites Veronica, Toby, and me over for dinner all the time. She understands that my dad works a lot, because her husband works just as many hours. Generally Gabriel, Toby, and I either hang out at the pool, or we watch movies in the theater room. I’ve never actually been inside Gabe’s room.
When I walk inside, it’s not at all what I expected. His room is very clean. Spotless. Though I’m sure the cleaning staff cleans for him. He has a large king-size bed with a fluffy, black bedspread. He has a flat screen TV hanging on the wall, which is currently playing a slide show of pictures. I sit on his bed and watch as I call my mom. I’m surprised to see pictures of me pop up.
There is one of me at the first pool party. Gabe has his arm around me, and we are both smiling for the camera. I had actually forgotten we took that photo. There are some of us at family brunches, and some with me and my friends. I’m so busy watching that I don’t hear when my mom answers.
“Hello?” I hear her yell louder. “Kihanna, are you there?”
“Oh, sorry, Mom,” I say. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” she answers. “Missing you.”
My mom’s voice is hoarse. “Are you sick? You sound like you have a cold or something.”
“Must be allergies.”
This may be an acceptable answer for some people, but I know for a fact that my mom doesn’t have allergies. I decide not to push the issue though. “I’m having boy issues.”
“I thought things were going good with Ty. What’s wrong?”
I sigh sadly. “Well, last night Ty told me that he loves me.”
“That’s great!”
“Sort of, I guess.”
“Oh… You don’t love him back.”
I’m not sure how to respond. “Well, I told him that I do. I’m sure if we date longer, I will feel that way. He’s always so sweet, and I like him a lot, I do. But I don’t think I’m in love with him. Which is the problem. He wants to take our relationship to the next level. And I get it. We’ve been dating two months. But I don’t want to take the next step.”
“And Ty is starting to pressure you.”
“Yeah.”
“You need to talk to him about boundaries. If he really loves you, he will be willing to wait until you’re ready for more. If not, then he doesn’t really love you.”
And that is why I love my mom. She didn’t judge Ty. She didn’t tell me to dump him. She gave me exactly the answer I needed.
“Also,” she adds, “when you meet the right guy, you will know. And when you’re ready, you won’t have any doubts.”
I smile. “Thank you, Mom. I love you.”
“I love you too. I’m going to go to sleep now. Have fun.”
I hang up the phone, and lie back on Gabe’s bed. It’s soft and smells like him. I start to relax and find myself falling asleep.
11:52 PM
Jealous
“Kihanna?” I hear Gabe’s soft voice. He is gently shaking me. “Wake up.”
I open my eyes and smile when I see him. I look around the room and realize that I am not in my room. I am in Gabe’s room.
“I’m sorry!” I jump up. “I guess I fell asleep. I didn’t mean to!”
“It’s okay,” he promises. “I am just not sure how much longer I can keep Ty from barging in here. He’s been basically pacing back and forth downstairs. He’s scared that he ruined his chances with you.”
“Do you think he really loves me?” Gabe isn’t the right person to ask. I know this.
“I don’t know if Ty even knows what love is. I know that he likes you a lot. More than he’s ever liked anybody else before.”
“We haven’t had sex yet.”
“I know.”
“Ty wants to.”
“I know that too,” he says. “All I know is that my best friend feels like shit for how he acted. And trust me when I say, I made him feel like shit for it too. I still think you deserve so much better than him, Kihanna. But I understand that you’re with him, and nothing I say will change that. So instead, I will just say that you need to talk to him. You can’t move forward in your relationship until you do.”
I nod. “I know.”
“Do you love him?” Gabe’s voice is timid when he asks. I can tell he’s scared to hear my answer.
“I like him,” I say after a few seconds of hesitation.
“That’s what I thought.” Gabe grins, almost sadly. “Just don’t have sex with him. Your first time should be with somebody you are completely in love with.”
I roll my eyes at that. “Right, ‘cause you’re totally one to talk.”
“My first time was with somebody I was in love with,” he informs me.
I’m instantly jealous of this girl he was in love with. I hate that I’m jealous of her. “Who was she?”
“You don’t know her.”
I start to say something, but Gabe cuts me off. “You should go
talk to Ty now.” With that, he turns and walks out of the room.
I push myself up and go to the bathroom. I run my fingers through my curls, trying to make them look less frizzy, put my angel wings back on and straighten my dress.
As I walk down the stairs, Ty sees me and runs up. He meets me before I get halfway down.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” He pulls me into a hug. “I didn’t mean to push you. I was just being a complete dick. You mean everything to me. I will wait for you. Forever if I have to. Please say you forgive me.”
“I do forgive you, Ty. Let’s just move forward, okay. I really like you. But I need you to understand that I’m not ready right now.”
He nods. “I understand. I do. I’m so sorry I pressured you to do more than you were ready for. I can’t believe I did that.”
I’m surprised too, but Gabriel wasn’t. I feel like he almost expected it.
But I decide not to think about that. I am going to focus on Ty. He’s a great boyfriend. He just had a temporary manic moment. He’s fine now. And we are definitely fine.
I think.
1:13 AM
Too late.
Ty apologizes one hundred more times on the way home. And then he kisses me. Not his normal, hungry kisses either. It’s a sweet kiss. And it reminds me why I like Ty. He’s sweet.
“Good night,” I tell him.
“Good night, love.” I watch Ty walk to his car and leave. Once he does, I go upstairs to my room. I put on my pajamas and am about to jump in bed. I notice a note sitting in the middle of my bed.
Kihanna Evers it says on the outside in elegant writing. I open the note.
I told you to leave, but you didn’t listen. Now it’s too late.
