The Desire to Touch

by Taylor, N

  “Ellie can I see you a moment?”

  I stalk over, feeling like a disobedient child waiting to be put on the naughty step.

  “Where have you been?” He asks, all authoritative.

  “I thought Meagan had told you?” Oh, oh.

  “Yes she did, I know you’ve been at Hooch’s but you know how I feel about that place!”

  “Lucas was up the creek without a paddle I had to go and help.”

  He starts fussing with the computer, “Look I don’t want to give you a lecture but…”

  “No it’s fine,” I cut him off, “I am twenty four and I’m having, was having a really great time but I need to calm down a bit. Don’t worry.”

  I spot a bit of paper by his hand with big thick letters strewn across it, he catches me looking at it and turns it over so I can’t read what it says. Brendan rubs his fingers across his forehead and I sense he is more stressed than I first thought.

  “Everything ok?”

  “Yes fine,” he looks back down to the computer, “I may be late back tonight, I have a late meeting.” He glances up at me from the screen and I can see the irritation in his eyes, I’m not quite sure if that’s due to me or whatever he’s fussing over on the computer. Just in case it is me, I take my cue and walk towards the lift.

  I press the button and stand waiting for it to arrive, then thoughts start swimming through my head and all his comments of the day just bounce from one ear to the other. ‘Hell no, you did not just run out on a Hollywood star? Look, ring him now. Maybe you can take it back!’ Devil girl has appeared and is pacing and shouting. Angel girl stands with crossed arms ‘You did the right thing, you know you did! Stand your ground.’

  “Oh fuck off you two, you’re never there when I need you, just after the event!” I grumble and shake my head.

  I look to my right and there is an old oriental couple staring at me in all their tourist gear, the old lady looks at me worried and her husband peers over her shoulder matching her expression.

  I smile at them whilst trying to move some of my hair out of my face, which I think, has resulted in a creepy smile, they whisper something to each other and the husband drags his wife towards the stairs.

  “Great one, Ellie!” I grunt under my breath.

  The lift arrives, I jump in and check I’m still on my own; I press my floor number and throw myself against the wall of the carriage and slump down holding myself tightly. The doors start to close and I feel the lump in my throat start to rise as the outside world is shut away, a tear starts to form in my eye and I blink rapidly to try and disperse it.

  The doors come to an almost close when a hand catches the door and it opens again, I stand quickly and try to readjust myself.

  “I can’t keep running after you!”

  Trey is stood in the doorway and steps into the lift leaving the doors to close once again.

  I look away from him, “I can’t keep running from you.”

  I hug my arms closer around myself as he moves closer to me, he puts one arm on the lift wall trying to corner me but his phone starts ringing.

  “What the…” He huffs and pulls his phone out of his pocket and answers, “Jenna can this wait...Yes my flight is at 6am…”

  Trey moves away from me and I breath a sigh of relief, I look up at the level dial and see I’m nearly back at my floor and my haven.

  “Jenna I told you no... I know but… don’t I get a fucking say?” He half shouts and lifts his hands up.

  I turn away from him and try to block out his one-way conversation. The lift doors open and I make a quick-paced walk for the front door, I grab my room key out of the back of my phone case and I unlock the door and push to enter when something catches me. Turning I see Trey has hold of my cardigan and he’s signaling me to wait one minute.

  “Yes…fine we’ll talk tomorrow at the hotel.” He hangs up and places his phone back in his pocket.

  I look at him then at his hand waiting to be released, he catches my eye and releases me.

  “Sorry about that, my agent is a slave driver.”

  I roll my eyes and shake my head pushing my way into the apartment, I can feel him following me so I stop and turn to him.

  “What do you want from me?”

  “I…I don’t know anymore.” He stutters.

  “Meaning?” I walk to the sofa and perch on the edge, looking down the words are out of my mouth before I know what I’ve said, “I don’t want this Trey.”

  Devil girl has appeared and is screaming at me ‘You do, you do!’ but Angel girl is chanting ‘You can do this be strong, be strong!’

  “You don’t want this?” he gestures at us both.

  “No Trey I don’t want this! I don’t want to be a friend you sleep with, I don’t want to feel like you’re ashamed of me when we’re out and I don’t want to be constantly worrying that I am just another nameless face amongst the harem of women you are known for.”

  He looks at me stunned for a moment then sits on the sofa opposite, perching his elbows on his knees, he rests his chin on his hands and looks up at me.

  I know I look a state and I feel that in times like this the female should always look impeccable like they do in the movies, this is how it’s supposed to pan out – he declares his undying love after twenty-four hours and rescues her from her inner torment.

  Though my movie goes like this - My hair is tasselled and knotty, my nose is running, my face is red and blotchy like I’m teething and I’m four words away from crying my eyes out. Movie ending, my arse!

  “Anything else?” he chokes.

  “I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly trying to work out who you are.” I look down at my cuffs and pull them down over my hands.

  He doesn’t answer for ages, he just looks at the ground.

  ‘Come on Ellie, this is too much’ I say to myself. I take a deep breath and stand looking at him.

  “Look we’ve known each other a couple of days; it’s all too much, I really like you, I mean really like you but this is silly don’t you think?”

  “There are two sides to you too, you know. One minute you’re smart mouthed and full of life, the next you’re a scared and timid little girl. I don’t think you realise what sort of hold you have had over me since the minute I first saw you, fucked-up past or not.”

  “Fucked-up past? Who said I have a fucked-up past?” Now I’m angry and reaching for my phone to text Meagan.

  “It’s an observation and the fact everyone chases you around like you’re so fragile you need to be locked up.”

  “Well if I’m so scared and timid why the hell are you always around me?”

  “Is it so hard for you to believe that I am infatuated with you? I am confused myself as to what I want but I do know I can’t stop thinking about you, from the minute you first ran into me at the apartments and then, after saving you from Jerry, I was…I ran after you but you were gone.” He looks up at me, “Is it really so hard for you to understand that? But I can’t keep chasing you.”

  Things are getting too complicated and this is heading in a direction I don’t want or need, “Like I said, we’re from two different worlds and I can’t be another faceless name on your list.”

  “But I keep telling you you’re not!”

  “Yes, you say it but your actions keep saying different, that to me says more than your empty words. You don’t want me - if you did you’d know not to push me nor would you treat me like all your other sex fiends. You’re a polygamous man Trey.”

  “You’re right.” He stands and our eyes meet, I feel like he’s searching the depths of my soul with his intense gaze. I feel frozen by his eyes that have turned an icy blue, his face softens slightly he looks down shakes his head and turns for the door.

  ‘No no no!’ Devil girl is on bended knee, wailing.

  He reaches the door and turns the handle, for a split second he looks back over his shoulder then leaves without another word said.

  I stand there in
shock, “What the hell has just happened?” I nervously laugh.

  Looking at the time I realise I have been rooted to the spot for minutes and he hasn’t come back. He’s not coming back.

  I feel the lump rising in my throat again and I walk into the bedroom, I have no desire to shower tonight I’ll just do it before work. I lie on my bed and pull the covers over my head trying to shut everything and everyone out, the unshed tears of the past few days start to peak and I use every ounce of strength in my body to not let them break through.

  The tiredness within starts to take over and I feel weak, weak from fighting and trying to figure this guy out.

  “Sing for me, my angel”.

  The heat from his breath burns my face again, I sit bolt upright and wipe away the beads of sweat that are starting to form on my forehead.

  The whispers are still haunting me, there in the back of my mind I can sense him, I can smell his foul stench nearby. The familiar feeling of being the little weak child cowering in the corner is starting to return and I have fought so long and hard to rid myself of this angst. But, when I am with Trey it’s gone. I feel safe and secure, what have I done? Was I wrong to say it like it is? Should I have just kept my mouth shut and smiled through gritted teeth at every little comment passed?

  ‘You’ve done the right thing, a leopard can’t change its spots’ Angel girl soothes. ‘Spots shmots! Are you a complete moron? Text him now, grovel, apologise do whatever you can to get him back now! You have, as usual, completely overreacted’ Devil girl’s tear soaked, panda eyes plead with me.

  I close my eyes and shake them away, I need to talk to someone, anyone that can bring me back down. I grab my phone and bring up Trey’s contact details, for minutes I debate on hitting the call button and begging him to come back, my fingers hover over the screen trembling with anticipation.

  No! I hold my phone to my forehead then throw it across the room. I jump up out of bed and run into the kitchen, grabbing one of the closest mugs from the side I open the cupboard and pick up the half-full bottle of brandy. I pour some into the mug and, holding the cup to my lips, I take a deep inhale of the intoxicating aroma that I know will settle my nerves perfectly.

  ‘Drink problem?’ Angel girl sarcastically asks?

  I slam the mug back on the side and bend over, holding my head in my hands, my body starts to shake from the pent up frustration as I try to suppress the tears again.

  “No!” I scream at myself and throw the mug across the room, it smashes against the wall and pieces of the wreckage ricochet in all directions spraying brandy down all the walls. I turn and stare at the mess I’ve just created.

  Sliding down the cupboard I slump into a pile like I’ve been winded, all my energy is gone and my head is swimming.

  How have I let this happen, I’m so careful and so guarded. It’s only been a few days and I feel so much for Trey, so much more than I thought I would and so much more than I wanted to. I want to hold him right now, every time he touches me that spark makes me feel so alive and safe, oh God how safe I feel when I’m near him - it’s unreal.

  ‘See you’ve done it again, it’s all your fault’ Devil girl scowls. Shit I have, I’ve done it again, I’ve caused all of this! I hang my head in my hands and take a deep breath, I feel the dark cloud starting to fight its way through me trying to engulf the duo and I know I cannot let the evil one win – I have to fight this!

  No! I’m not at fault here, I may have allowed him to affect my feelings but I’m not turning back now, I’ve come this far, I’ve started a new life and I’m finding myself again. Well sod this and sod hiding away anymore!

  The black cloud starts to recede and the duo have let go of each other in relief, I clamber to my feet and start picking up the pieces off the floor.

  Wait, I haven’t heard from Grandad in a while now - I hope he’s ok, I place the broken china in the bin and run to the bedroom. Scooping my phone up off the floor I check the time quickly, 1:25am so 6ish back in England, I scroll through my phone to find his number and press call.

  It rings a few times then he answers, “Hello?”

  “Hi Grandad it’s me, Ellie.”

  “Oh hello sweetheart, how are you?” Bruce pants.

  “Yeah I’m good thanks, are you ok though, you sound like you’re struggling to breathe?”

  “Oh I’m alright, you know me silly old sod that I am, I’ve just done a bit too much.”

  “Have you been taking your tablets correctly?” I’m starting to panic.

  “Listen don’t you worry about a miserable old git like me, how’s it going in the big city?”

  “Yeah it’s good…,really good.” I barely convince myself.

  “What’s wrong? Aren’t you happy?”

  “Oh nothing, I must get it from you I think I’m exhausted after the past few days,” I laugh.

  “Do you know what sweetheart, you sound different almost brighter and I have to say it’s lovely to hear that sparkle back in your voice again.” There’s a slight ease in his voice.

  “I wouldn’t go that far,” but my heart glows warm knowing that I have made him feel happier and that in turn makes me feel better.

  “So who’s the lad causing trouble?”

  “I didn’t say anything about a boy,” I reply all coy.

  “Ellie, I raised your mum and your uncle by myself. I have seen them through the heartbreak and the joy that goes along with courting.”

  I laugh, “Courting?”

  “Hey the old terms are the correct terms.” He laughs gasping for air.

  “Calm down, are you ok?” I panic again.

  “Come on girl, out with it, don’t keep an old man in suspense.”

  “I met this guy and he’s lovely, he makes me feel safe and alive again but I think I’m just a faceless name to him, he doesn’t know what he wants.”

  “We’re simple creatures Ellie, you have to stop overthinking things,” he coughs and catches his breath, “Sometimes there isn’t a solution because there isn’t a problem and you overthinking things is creating problems within yourself. I think it’s time you started to open yourself up again, as far as not knowing what he wants; again who ever knows what they want till they’re faced with it, time is the best healer Ellie. Give him time and give yourself time. Rome wasn’t built in a day”.

  He maybe half way around the world but he knows how to put me at ease and bring me back from the inner struggle of what to do.

  “I know.” I sigh.

  “And Ellie, though you may feel the monsters are coming out of the shadows, just remember how much you have overcome to be where you are today. Enjoy yourself while you can sweetheart, as you know more than anyone that can be over before it’s begun. Your mum, god rest her soul, would be so proud of you and what you’ve achieved.” He sniffs.

  I choke back a tear, “I know Grandad.”

  “Anyway, it must be very early there and you should be asleep, not checking up on the old folks.”

  “You’re not that old”, I giggle, “Ok please keep warm Grandad and if your chest gets worse then please call in Mrs.Wells or the doctor. Then I’ll save up and come back after Christmas for a visit.”

  “No!” he shouts taking me by surprise.

  “Oh…?”

  “You’ve got a new life over there, give it sometime before you come back,” there’s a high level of anxiety in his voice and his breathing becomes quicker.

  “Ok, ok that’s fine don’t worry I will wait then, if that’s what you want?”

  This is not how I was expecting the conversation to flow.

  He sighs with relief, I think, “I’m sorry I haven’t called sooner I’ve just been busy with the garden, but you get some sleep and I promise I will call you after the weekend.”

  “Ok…” I hesitate, “Bye Grandad?”

  “Bye love.”

  He hangs up and the conversation is over, that has to be the weirdest conversation I’ve had with him ever and now I’m on red a
lert as to what’s wrong with him. My sadness and anger from earlier have been pushed aside by my fear for Bruce’s health.

  I have to go and see Brendan and find out what’s wrong.

  Removing my now damp clothes I throw on a hoody and a pair of jogging bottoms, grab my room key and slide it behind my phone in its case then make my way down to find Brendan.

  I exit the lift and make my way to the reception desk, which is deserted. A night porter walks past me and starts sorting through some keys.

  “Hey?” I call over.

  The stout little man jumps and turns to look at me.

  “Have you seen Brendan?”

  He continues to look at me confused and he doesn’t look familiar to me, I can only assume he’s pretty new here. He slides the key draw shut again and turns away from me.

  “No.” he mutters under his breath and briskly hurries away.

  “Thanks, ever so helpful!” I huff and walk past reception to the staff door that leads to the offices and meeting rooms. I remember Brendan saying he may have a meeting so he might be in his office, I head down the corridor and see his light is on. I stop just outside his door and listen to the mumbled voices that are escaping through the not quite closed door.

  ‘Remember what happened last time you eavesdropped’ a little voice whispers behind me.

  “So where is he now?” Brendan asks, his voice stern.

  “He disappeared in Suffolk.”

  Suffolk? What the hell are they talking about and who disappeared?

  “So there’s no trail of him?”

  “No, nothing, like I said he just disappeared.”

  “How long ago?” Brendan’s voice remains stern.

  “Two weeks.”

  I lean in a bit more and lean on the door.

  “You’re joking, two weeks?” anger takes over Brendan, “What the fu…”

  I lean that little bit more and the door springs open leaving me flat on my face in Brendan’s office.

  “Ellie!” Brendan shouts, “I’m in a meeting!”