The Desire to Touch

by Taylor, N

  I pick myself up off the floor and hear papers being rustled and stuffed into drawers.

  “Sorry, I really needed to speak to you.” I dust myself down and offer an apologetic smile to Brendan, glancing past him I see a well-dressed man sitting the other side of the desk. The dark-suited man smiles and approaches me tucking a little book into his inner jacket pocket.

  “Hi Ellie, nice to meet you.” He holds out his hand for me to shake, I notice there is a scar running from the back of his index finger to his wrist.

  I shake his hand,

  “Ellie this is Detective Morgan and we were in a private meeting.”

  “Sorry Detective,” I apologise releasing from his shake.

  “Please call me Rob, I’m an old friend of your uncle’s,” he looks to Brendan, “I can wait here.”

  I smile at him again, he is very calm whereas Brendan seems all pent up and is literally running me out of the room.

  “Nice to meet you,” I call as I’m shunted from the office.

  “Likewise,” Rob waves.

  Outside the room Brendan closes the door and walks me back towards the main door.

  “What did you want?” he asks abruptly.

  “Oh,” not the first time I’ve been taken aback by someone’s short manners tonight. “Erm…Grandad doesn’t sound well at all and I’m worried about him, he sounds worried and short of breath.”

  “He’s fine, it’s nothing.”

  “So you’ve spoken to him?” I ask shocked, why has he not said anything?

  Brendan looks at his watch then scans the corridor, “He’s fine Ellie, he’s just been watching too much snooker and getting over-excited.” He places a hand on my shoulder, “I’ll ask Mrs. Wells, next door, to pop in and check on him tomorrow.”

  “Fine,” I sigh, but I’m not happy that he’s been keeping things from me.

  “Look I have to get back to the meeting, its late, you have work in a few hours and all eyes are on you for this party.”

  I roll my eyes at him, I wish everyone would stop wrapping me up - I’m twenty four not twelve!

  “I know and I’ll be fine! You don’t have to protect me from everything you know.” I snap at him turning to walk away, “by the way that new night porter is pretty rude!” I push the door open to leave as Brendan makes his way back to the office, he stops and turns to me,

  “What new night porter?”

  “The stout old man, balding? He was going through the master keys about ten minutes ago.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Brendan’s face drains and he looks like he’s seen a ghost.

  “What’s wrong?” I don’t think I’ve ever seen Brendan look panic stricken.

  “Nothing, thanks for letting me know, now go to bed!” He shouts, turning back into the office, pulling his phone from his pocket.

  I linger on, holding the door for a few more seconds, but I can’t hear anything from his room so I turn back into the reception.

  I walk towards the lift as Earl comes barreling past me nearly sending me flying, two other security guards follow behind him, one runs off to the front entrance while Earl and the other run through the staff door. I watch as they disappear out of sight and I enter the lift to try and get some sleep before work in the morning. Back in the room I lay my head down on the pillow and all I can see is Trey, I roll over and I can still smell him on the pillow. The tears start to flow and I lay and sob until my eyes close and I drift off.

  ###

  I have possibly had about half an hour of full sleep and I’ve still managed to wake up before my alarm. I turn to look at the clock and stretch out. Like a wrecking ball it hits me that everything is not ok and it wasn’t a nightmare I had last night. The tears that have made my eyes all puffy are threatening to return, I swallow hard rapidly blinking them away.

  I drag myself around the apartment making coffee and watching TV. I even manage to shower and dress and still have time to clean up the mess I made last night. I look at the clock and there is still another hour before I have to be in work, I just know this day is going to drag on and get worse.

  My phone rings and I jump to answer it, my heart pounds in the hopes that it’s Trey but I look at the screen and it’s Meagan.

  “Hi,” I answer.

  “Morning, so how was last night with lover boy?”

  “We broke up, no wait we weren’t together, he left.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Long story.”

  Please don’t push me I have fought the tears all morning and I don’t want to come unstuck after an hour of trying to cover up the bags under these eyes.

  “I have time.” Meagan pushes.

  “Not now, I can’t handle it,” I plead, “Oh have you spoken to Grandad?”

  “Not in a while, why?”

  “We spoke last night and he doesn’t sound right, I even spoke about visiting and he almost had a hernia, saying I need more time and not to run back to the monsters…”

  “He’s right though, it’s not been a year since you moved over here, maybe you should let the dust settle before you think about going back?”

  I stay silent, I know everyone has my best interests at heart but I’ve recently realised how much they wrap me up to protect me.

  “I’ll see how I feel about it after Christmas.”

  “Your call, right I’m off to a class soon but I want a girly night in tonight, pj’s, pizza and an alcoholic drink that begins with P.” She laughs in turn making me laugh.

  “Thank you,” I sigh.

  “For?”

  “Making me laugh.”

  “Look I don’t know the ins and outs of the Trey thing, but I was so sure he was completely hooked on you, I’ll get to the bottom of it tonight and make sure its not you overreacting.”

  “Huh?” Why does everyone assume it’s my fault?

  “Well you know how you can be, don’t panic we’ll talk it over later.”

  “Fine by me,” I know that even she can’t dispute the way he’s been.

  “Bye, love you.” And she hangs up.

  I look at the time and there’s only forty five minutes before work, so I decide on heading down and getting things ready for the meeting with Helena Bishop – Room Dresser extraordinaire.

  Lunchtime hits and I throw myself into my chair and groan towards the heavens.

  “Everything ok?” Aubrey has wandered over and sits on the edge of my desk.

  “Yeah everything’s peachy,” I sigh looking at the ceiling, “Just finished with ‘Bossy Bishop’ and she has finally taken note of what I want, not what she thinks we should have. I wouldn’t mind but I’ve been with her since 10am and it’s now what,” I look at the clock, “1:30.”

  “All sorted though and you’re happy?”

  I snort, “I will be if she’s listened to me.”

  “I haven’t really seen you all day and you look awful.” Aubrey says leaning in towards me.

  “Gee, thanks a lot,” I lift my head to look at her and scowl.

  “What’s happened?” She swings her legs around so she’s resting her feet on the edge of my chair.

  “Well…” I start.

  “Hang on have you eaten? Because you look like you could go for a burger.” She smiles.

  I shake my head, and she jumps up putting her six inch heels back on her feet.

  “Right let’s go grab a burger and a drink, I’ll put the phones on forward to the mobile for a while.”

  I love Aubrey, she can be a slave driver but she gets the job done, more than that she is so caring and friendly.

  We head into the hotel restaurant and order some bar food, I opt for the salmon club sandwich minus the salmon and Aubrey has the nachos. We sit at the central bar and eat whilst talking over what happened the night before.

  “Oh shit, you’re not joking!” Aubrey gasps pulling a nacho out of the stringy cheese.

  I shake my head and take a bite out of my sandwich, “I’m pretty sure I had every r
ight to react the way I did, but I’m worried I may have overreacted.”

  “Fuck that, if anything you under reacted! I would have done more than talk to him, famous and drop dead gorgeous or not. No, Christ no, I don’t think you were in the wrong.”

  She shakes her head and orders us a small wine each.

  “Is that wise?”

  “Well, I think you need a drink and after that tale of woe I need one too.” She laughs.

  We finish up and head back to the office, I feel better now that I’ve talked it through and I realise I haven’t had any little voices in my ear today, it must be because I have been so busy. The rest of the day flies by and we have nearly finished everything for the party, freeing us up to start organising the Christmas and New Year’s events, the decorations were sorted months ago.

  “Right, home time but tomorrow we need a meeting to discuss Christmas party and New Year’s Party,” Aubrey walks up and switches my monitor off. “Home Ellie and you can stop checking your phone he will text you but remember if he doesn’t it’s because he’s a freak!”

  “I’ve not been checking my phone that much, have I?” I ask as, I didn’t think I was looking at it at all.

  “Have you been tempted to text him?”

  “And say what?” I shake my head, “I said all I had to, the ball’s in his park now.”

  “That’s my girl,” she slaps me on the shoulder then holds me as we walk out of the office, she switches the light off behind us and checks the door is shut. “Don’t you dare go running to him.” She says to me over her shoulder as she walks out of the door.

  “I haven’t as of yet.” I mutter inwardly.

  ###

  “No…you’re right,” Meagan chirps halfway through biting into a slice of pizza, “I’m sorry I thought you were just being you and overreacting.”

  “Thanks, glad you think so much of me.”

  “Oh Ellie, get real, you are like a scared little girl unless you’re pushed into things.”

  “Why does everyone keep saying that? It’s you lot who are wrapping me up and I don’t want it anymore. So last night I said to myself that’s it no more hiding away!”

  “Do you mean it?”

  “I guess you’ll have to wait and see.”

  Meagan’s phone beeps and she jumps for it, “Ohh,” she squeals, “Who is texting me?” I love how quickly her mind changes.

  I smirk at her and continue watching the movie that we put on but neither of us have paid much attention to. I glance toward the kitchen where I placed my phone, knowing it’s turned off, but I can’t help but think maybe if I turn it on now there’ll be a message.

  “Oh my God!”

  I look at Meagan, “What? Everything ok?”

  “Hang on I’ll tell you in a second,” She puts her phone to her ear, “Lacey just text me and….Lacey hello…yeah…yeah… He’s done wh-...run that by me again?” Meagan looks over at me her mouth wide open.

  “What?” I mouth at her.

  She stands and runs to her room then returns with her laptop.

  “Yeah ok, that’s fine I’ll let her know…tomorrow that’s great…thanks Lacey, bye.”

  She throws her phone on the chair beside her and perches the laptop on the edge of her lap.

  “You are not going to believe what’s happened.” She looks at me over the top of the laptop.

  “What?” I continue to stare at the TV less than interested.

  “Look!” she jumps on my legs and thrusts the laptop in my face.

  “What the hell am I supposed to be looking at?” I try to bat the laptop out of my face.

  Meagan takes a step back and points to the picture on the screen. There is Trey’s Audi in all its full page glory.

  “What’s Trey’s Shagalier doing on there?”

  “Read it,” she says placing the laptop on my lap.

  ‘Trey Thomas has reportedly put his beloved Audi up for auction along with two of his other prized cars, the proceeds are said to be going to the AACR. The Blacked out Audi is never usually far behind when Trey Thomas is out and about on the town. We here at Slanderz.com speculate as to why he has put these beloved cars up for auction but as of yet there has been no statement released.

  The Audi was T.T’s trademark when out and about, here at Slanderz HQ the slanderzettes have been working tirelessly to compile a montage of pictures and a listing of ladies that have been inside that car earning it our most prestigious title ‘Pussy Wagon to the stars.’

  If you are interested in bidding for one of his cars please click the link provided that will take you to the website.’

  I look up at Meagan confused, “This just confirms that I’m not what he wants.” I scroll down the screen, looking through the hundreds of links about him, I don’t want to go down the road of web stalking him, that’s really not me. I scroll back to the top of the screen then looking up at Meagan again ask, “What’s the AACR?”

  “I think it’s the cancer research association.”

  “Oh, I didn’t realise he was a benefactor for them, he never mentioned it.”

  “He’s not, well he wasn’t as far as we knew.”

  “This is all great but why are you showing me this, it’s really not helping me feel any better.”

  In fact I now feel more shit than before, more used than ever and devoid of all trust I may have had for him. The lump in my throat is back, I swallow it away before the tears can start pooling in my eyes.

  “Hey, maybe this is a sign? He’s changing his ways?” Her eyes are hopeful, but I’m going to expect the worst, that way I can never be disappointed again.

  “Yeah maybe,” I snort.

  I look back at the screen and see a title ‘Vampire Frenzy cast interviews’. As much as I have told myself I wouldn’t, I can’t help it I need to look and see what he’s like for these interviews. He left here without a word said, he just upped and left me, I am under no illusion that he’s lost any sleep over it. It would be amazing if I saw pictures and he looked as devoid of sleep as I do, or maybe just a little look of regret would be nice, I click on the link and the page loads with in a nanosecond.

  Taking up half a page in all their air brushed digital glory stands Trey and Kyla, arm in arm laughing and smiling in front of a film promo board. I read the caption underneath that says ‘Today at the Paris Premiere of Vampire Frenzy’.

  I shut the laptop down and throw my head back in depressed anger.

  “Are you ok?” Meagan appeases.

  I grunt at her and just look at the ceiling. There’s my answer, he’s smiling and happy with her, oh ground swallow me up!

  “Please talk to me?”

  “I’m not doing this anymore, fuck ‘em all!” I sit myself up and run my hands through my hair. I squeeze my eyes shut and look for the misguided comfort that I usually have in my ear helping me to decide on what emotion I should have, but they don’t appear. Like an epiphany I realise for the first time in nearly a year the duo have been MIA. With all this new realisation comes the fact that all day I’ve not over-thought one single thing and I haven’t had any kind of inner struggle, yet a major pang of guilt and loneliness ensues. They help me, they’re my voice of reason and could they just be gone like that, more to the point do I want them gone?

  “You look confused,” Meagan walks over and sits next to me.

  “No, I feel fine,” I look at her confused with this feeling.

  I realise that I haven’t needed them, even though I feel like someone has ripped out my heart and stamped on it.

  “I’m sorry things didn’t work out, I won’t push you into anything again.” Meagan grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze.

  “No, you’ve…you’ve helped me find myself. I’ve had a taste of what its like to not want to look over my shoulder every time I leave a room or double check the post for familiar writing before opening anything. This past week I have felt more freedom than I have since,” I cough, “Shithead. We all have to get hurt at some point,
what better story than with a movie star?” Though deep down I didn’t see him like that, I didn’t like the movie star, I liked Trey. “Plus it was only a couple of days it’s not like we were in love or anything.” I roll my eyes and squeeze her hand back.

  “Gee if I’d have known that getting you laid would sort you out I would’ve done it a long time ago.” Meagan laughs, “Did you really check around before you left a room?”

  I nod, “Yep, I would scan an area before stepping into it. I still check the handwriting on an envelope before I open it, just in case.”

  “Why hide so much?”

  “It’s the only way I would get out, I have…had my routine and I felt safe sticking to it.”

  “Well you know no one in this hotel would let you get hurt, they’d have to get through me first.” I think Meagan can sense my unease in talking about it, “Lets rewind the movie and watch it before we go to sleep, after last weekend you need a lot of educating!”

  The film ends and we crawl off to our bedrooms, Meagan has to leave early to get to University and I had no sleep last night, so I need my space.

  I crawl into bed after grabbing my phone from the kitchen, I turn the light out and snuggle down. Some of the night-light is shining through the cracks in the curtains, it takes me back to the night when he stayed and I start feeling his touch on me again. I want to touch him again so badly, I want to feel the heat of his skin on mine as we kiss and caress. The feel of his hands running along my naked back to my behind, his soft tender lips as they move across my body and his piercing blue eyes as they search the inner depths of my soul.

  The heat starts to rise in my body and I find myself wriggling around on the bed.

  I grab my phone and turn it on, the desperation inside me needs to know that it’s not because I’m so fucked up that he’s left me, maybe he’s text to say some parting words rather than just “you’re right.”

  I put my phone on the side and wait for it to boot up, if I don’t look at it then maybe a message will come through?

  I lay staring out of the parting in the curtains and wait, it feels like an eternity but finally there’s a buzz. I grab my phone and open the message: