The Love We Breathe

by Adelia Everett

  I smiled and looked down at my shoes. We were silent for a moment, but Ryan leaned in towards me and his gaze never left my face.

  “James?”

  “Hmm?” I looked up at him.

  He took a cursory glance around the coffee shop to make sure we were really alone. “What about us?” He asked quietly, with a hint of a smile on his face.

  I’m pretty sure the colored drained from my face in that moment. I could feel it. Although I had feelings for Ryan, and although I was sure of my sexuality now, I was still a bit apprehensive about starting any kind of relationship. I mean, I’d just broken up with Loryn, a girl, only a month or so previously. Starting my first gay relationship was a bit scary, no matter how much I liked Ryan.

  Ryan could sense my angst. He scooted his chair closer to me and leaned in even further so that are faces were extremely close together.

  “I’m sick of waiting.” He said, almost in a whisper. That hint of a smile did not go away.

  I wasn’t sure of what to say.

  “Jamie... I have waited for you for too goddamn long.” He continued, “I’ve sat back patiently to let you figure it all out, because I understand how scary it can be.”

  I looked down again, this time in shame.

  “But I’m not waiting anymore.” He said, reaching up to place a hand on my cheek. Paranoid, I whipped my head around to make sure no one saw us.

  “Ryan...”

  “I want to be with you, whether you like it or not.” He said, ignoring me.

  I felt the color rush back to my face. He wants to be with me...

  “I love you.” He said, with the deepest expression of sincerity on his face that I’d ever seen. And that was saying something.

  My heart started pounding. The feeling of his hand touching my face suddenly became the most wonderful feeling in the world, almost an orgasmic feeling. I never wanted him to let go.

  “I want to be all yours.” He whispered, “Please let me.”

  Our eyes became locked on each other’s. His beautiful blue eyes stared into my ugly brown ones. I lost my thoughts and the emotions took over. I wanted to cry, partially with happiness that he loved me so much, partially with fear, and partially with sadness because I was so unsure of myself. I’d done my share of crying after my realization, and I was sick of it. But that didn’t stop tears from welling up in my eyes.

  Before either of us could say anything more, we heard the tinkle of the bell above the coffee shop door, signaling that someone was entering the building. Ryan immediately jerked his hand away from my face. I whipped around to face the newcomers while he looked down at his lap.

  It wasn’t anyone we knew, just two girls I’d never seen before. They didn’t even notice that we were here. While the girls stood at the counter to order, I grabbed Ryan’s hand and dragged him out of the coffee shop.

  “James...”

  I ignored him.

  Still grasping his hand firmly, I led him through campus quickly. It was a bit like walking on hot lava, or trying to avoid arrows being shot at you. It was a different level of danger. If anyone we knew saw us holding hands, what would they think?

  Finally, I managed to drag him to a spot behind the library where no one could see or hear us. We were completely alone. But even then, I was still paranoid.

  Ryan and I stood staring at each other for a second. I didn’t let go of his hand. After a moment, I pulled him in for a hug. I wrapped my arms around his waist while he wrapped his around my neck. Since he was so much smaller and shorter than me, it was easy to hold him completely.

  “I’m so scared...” I whispered into his hair.

  “I know.” He whispered back.

  I took a deep breath, smelling his hair, and it cleared my mind.

  I was only scared on the surface. I knew I’d eventually have to come out to everyone and although it was a terrifying idea, it was inevitable. But on a deeper level, inside my heart, I was so ready for a relationship with Ryan. I think somewhere inside I always knew that it would happen. Ever since the first time we had sex, I always knew that there would be something between us. Maybe the idea had been locked away in my subconscious. But it was always there.

  And if there were to be a relationship between me and Ryan, I would obviously be the “man.” That’s just how it fell into place. And traditionally, the man is always the one to ask out the woman. Why not keep it traditional?

  I pulled out of our hug and threw away all my fears, preparing myself for satisfying my heart’s wants. Ryan looked up at me curiously, waiting for me to say something. I took both of his hands and gazed into his eyes.

  Unable to help myself, I leaned in and planted a small, tender kiss on his lips. It made him smile, which in turn made me smile.

  I prepared myself to ask him a somewhat awkward question.

  “Will you be my boyfriend?” I asked, an embarrassed smile on my face. But when the words came out, they weren’t awkward at all. It seemed so much easier asking Ryan to be my boyfriend, than asking any girl to be my girlfriend.

  His reaction made it feel like a marriage proposal. A bright smile melted onto his face and his eyes twinkled with tears.

  “Jamie!” He flew into my arms and kissed my cheek.

  I laughed. “Well?”

  “Of course!” He said, as if it were completely obvious.

  And when I thought about it, it was.

  Chapter Nineteen

  .

  I arrived back at room 125 after a boring and tiring two-hour class. It was only a month or so into the semester, and I was already behind in all my classes. I was stressed and exhausted and I couldn’t wait to snuggle up in bed with my boyfriend.

  Although we’d only been dating for a few weeks, I’d already gotten completely used to having Ryan as a boyfriend. And I was gradually becoming so much more comfortable with myself. Although there was probably a shit storm of pain ahead, I was content for the time being.

  When I opened the door to our room, I sadly realized that Ryan wasn’t there. But as I set my stuff down on my bed, I heard movement in the bathroom and the sounds of the shower being turned on. Smiling brightly, I tiptoed towards the closed bathroom door and listened for more sounds. I heard him pull back the shower curtain, step into the shower, and pull the curtain closed again.

  As silently as possible, I opened the bathroom door and stepped in, closing the door behind me. I shed my clothing, smiling mischievously. I peeked behind the shower curtain and saw Ryan, his back facing me, squirting shampoo in his hand and lathering it into his hair. He didn’t notice me. I bit my lip and climbed into the shower with him. I didn’t reveal myself until I reached up and started massaging the shampoo into his scalp for him. He jumped at my touch.

  He gasped. “You scared me!”

  I giggled and took a step closer to him. We were both naked, in the shower, probably about to engage into some kind of sexual activity. But that was okay, as I constantly had to remind myself, because I was gay and he was my boyfriend.

  Keeping one hand on his head to rub his scalp, I placed my other hand on his waist and pulled him into me so that his back was pressed up against my chest.

  I kissed his shoulder. “Hi.” I said simply.

  He giggled flirtatiously. “Hi.”

  I continued to massage shampoo into his hair, making sure to be sensual and a bit rough. He closed his eyes and relaxed his muscles.

  “Mm... Jamie...”

  “You like that?” I asked softly in his ear.

  He hummed affirmatively.

  After a minute or two, he turned around to rinse his head. I ran my hands all over his chest and stomach while he did so. By now I knew that one of his ticklish spots was on the side of his stomach. He shrieked and flinched away from me when I grazed over it. I laughed.

  When he was finished rinsing his hair, I grabbed him by the waist and pushed him against the wall. I took a step closer to him, closing the gap between us. I kissed him passionately, running
my hands through his wet hair again. He seemed to really like that, because I felt him getting hard against my thigh. He put his hands on my chest and moved his tongue in a circle inside my mouth.

  By now my heart was hammering hard against my chest. I was breaking out in a cold sweat. And although the water was nice and hot, I was getting chills. It was amazing how much Ryan affected me. Just his touch or the sound of his soft moaning was enough to squeeze my heart. And make me hard.

  I pulled away from the kiss to whisper in his ear, “I want you.”

  He giggled and started kissing and sucking on a spot on my neck. After a minute or two, I grabbed his shoulders and turned him around so that his frontside was facing the tile wall of the shower, and his back was facing me. I bit my lip and smiled impishly, although he couldn’t see it. I ran my hand down his back and reached down to insert a finger into him. He gasped in surprise and started moaning instantaneously. He was a bit tight, probably because we hadn’t had sex since I first admitted to him that I was gay. It had been a few weeks, and I needed to loosen him up again. So I inserted another finger.

  After a few minutes, his moaning was too sexy for me to handle. I pressed my entire body against him and rubbed my erection up and down his backside. I bent him over slightly and entered.

  It was insane how far we’d come in our sexual relationship. The first time we had sex, I had no idea what I was doing and because of it he had to do all the work. The first time was fantastic, but this was a million times better. Now, instead of just pleasuring myself, I knew how to pleasure him. Now there was something of an emotional orgasm as well as a physical one.

  He came first, screaming with pleasure and saying my name while he rubbed his erection furiously. I was a bit worried about his noise level attracting the attention of the neighbors, but I remembered that the guys who lived in the room next to us were hardly ever there. They basically just used their dorm room to sleep. So although I was a bit paranoid, I didn’t let it concern me too much. Besides, I loved Ryan’s screams and moans. I didn’t want to shush him.

  It didn’t take long for me to come after that. And there was something different about that feeling. This was the first time we were actually having sex as an official couple. Something about that fact made the sex different. I could finally do it without feeling guilty. Ryan has been and will always will be a relationship kind of guy. And now I didn’t have to feel guilty about taking that away from him. Because we were in a relationship now.

  After I finished, I noticed that Ryan was still recovering from his orgasm. He was still whining and moaning, like he wanted more. I pulled him up and turned him around to face me. The look on his face was unlike anything I’d ever seen on him. He put his hands on me and dug his fingernails into my back while I kissed his neck. His legs were shaking.

  “Did you like that?” I asked after he relaxed a bit. I bit my lip and smiled.

  “Yes.” He breathed, closing his eyes.

  I kissed him briefly. He leaned in to me, placing his arms around my neck.

  “Ow...” He said, wincing.

  “Aw, did I hurt you?” I asked, laughing a bit.

  “I’m glad you did, it was worth it.” He chuckled right back.

  “I’m sorry.” I said, smiling and kissing his cheek.

  “Never apologize for talent.” He winked at me.

  I laughed again. Talent? So he thought I was actually good in bed? Or... in shower? I never thought of myself as good at sex. But I guess now that I was actually having sex with my preferred gender (and preferred person), I might have been utilizing my natural “talent” as he called it.

  I leaned in and kissed him again. This time it wasn’t just a brief peck. It was romantic and sweet and tender. It brought about some strange and unknown emotions. Kissing girls had always been so boring, almost like a chore. I never understood the hype over kissing, until Ryan. Kissing him was so unlike kissing girls. It just felt so natural and effortless. It felt right.

  I finally pulled away, regretfully, so I could let him finish his shower.

  “I love you.” He murmured, smiling embarrassedly.

  I still wasn’t ready to say it back, and I knew he understood that. Instead, I leaned in and gave him one last quick kiss and a smile.

  I climbed out of the shower and dried myself off with a towel. Wrapping the towel around my waist, I exited the bathroom and closed the door. I heard Ryan turn off the shower while I was picking out my clothes. Before I had a chance to actually get dressed, Josh and Tanner came bursting into the room.

  My instant reaction was panic. If they saw me wrapped in a towel they’d know I was obviously fresh out of the shower. And then if Ryan emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel, they’d know he was obviously fresh out of the shower as well. And then they’d probably be able to figure out that Ryan and I just took a shower together. And then they’d know that I’m gay.

  Fuck.

  “Hey man.” Josh greeted nonchalantly, upon barging in.

  “Dude, knock much?” I asked, flustered.

  “What?” He said, smiling cheekily, “Your door was unlocked.”

  I silently begged Ryan to stay in the bathroom and not reveal himself. I hoped to God that he heard Josh’s voice and understood the panic I felt.

  “Did you just shower?” Tanner asked unnecessarily.

  “Obviously.” I said, motioning to the towel around my waist.

  “Why are you showering in the middle of the day?” Josh asked, raising an eyebrow at me. Was it really that strange to him?

  “I was sweaty.” I said shrugging.

  Tanner made himself at home by plopping down on my bed and stretching out, folding his hands behind his head.

  Josh strolled over to Ryan’s bed and eyed the photos and posters that Ryan had taped onto the wall next to it.

  “So where’s the fag?” Josh asked casually. Tanner snickered.

  Instant annoyance overflowed all other emotions in my mind. “Don’t call him that.” I commanded sharply.

  “Whoa!” Josh exclaimed sarcastically, grinning, “Sticking up for him, are we?”

  “Yes.” I said, giving him an annoyed glare, “He’s my best friend...”

  “Oh that’s right I forgot.” Josh said, snickering.

  I got dressed, carefully making sure that they didn’t see me naked.

  “I still don’t know why you’d be friends with a gay guy, James.” Tanner commented distractedly, texting someone at the same time.

  “Well he’s a great guy, and his sexuality doesn’t change that.”

  “So he hasn’t come on to you yet?” Josh asked curiously.

  I felt my face immediately flush with nerves and embarrassment. I turned away from them and pretended to busy myself with papers on my desk.

  “Don’t be stupid.” I said in response. It wasn’t a lie. Another wave of anger hit me at Josh’s homophobic slur from earlier. “What are you guys doing here anyway?” I asked, a bit rudely.

  “We just stopped by because we were bored.” Josh shrugged, “And we wanted to invite you to a party at Cynthia’s sorority tonight.” He waggled his eyebrows, as if he had a dirty secret.

  “What?” I asked.

  “There’s gonna be a ton of hot girls there, wanna go?” He asked, biting his lip with excitement.

  Yeah, like I cared about hot girls.

  “You have a girlfriend.” I reminded Josh.

  He rolled his eyes at me and didn’t respond.

  “Are you gonna come or what, Radine?” Tanner asked, reaching over from where he sat on the bed and punching me in the arm.

  “No thanks, I have homework.” I said shortly.

  “Party pooper.” Josh teased.

  “More girls for me.” Tanner said, shrugging.

  “You enjoy that.” I replied, a bit sardonically.

  Tanner stood, and it appeared that they were both ready to leave. I breathed a momentary sigh of relief, knowing that Ryan wouldn’t have to be locked up
in the bathroom for too long. At least Josh and Tanner’s visit was short, although annoying.

  But before they turned to leave, Josh had one last thing to say.

  “Fine, you just stay here with your queer roommate.” he suggested, “I’m sure he’d love to give you a lesson in gay ass-fucking while we enjoy a room full of sexy ladies willing to put out.”

  There was another spark of anger within me, this time much larger than before.

  “God, will you shut up about Ryan?” I asked rhetorically, raising my voice.

  “What’s the problem?” Josh asked defensively.

  “You don’t even know him and you’re calling him rude names and making stereotypical assumptions about him that aren’t true.” I said. Although in some aspects, his assumptions were true. I did enjoy ass-fucking with Ryan occasionally...I just preferred to call it making love.

  Josh laughed at me. “What’s your problem? Why are you sticking up for him?”

  “Because he’s a human being and he’s my best friend and you’re being rude.”

  “I’m sorry James, I just find it weird that you’re not freaked out by having a gay roommate, that’s all.” Josh retorted.

  “Why would it freak me out?” I asked, “Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he’s some kind of creep or a molester or a rapist or something. He’s just a guy who happens to like other guys. Get over it.”

  “Dude, calm down.” Tanner said helpfully.

  “Well why don’t you both just shut up about him?” I snapped.

  “Oo, you love him don’t you James?” Josh teased.

  My heart skipped a beat. Why the hell would he assume that? Did he know something? My paranoia kicked into gear once again.

  “Whatever.” I rolled my eyes.

  “Just defending your little boyfriend, are you?” Josh said jokingly, as Tanner chuckled.

  Subconsciously, I knew they weren’t being serious with their accusations. But I was still paranoid nonetheless. Especially because their assumptions were correct. Ryan was my boyfriend. And... I still wasn’t entirely sure, but I thought I might love him.