The Love We Breathe

by Adelia Everett

  “Just get out.” I said, rolling my eyes

  “Later, Radine.” Josh chuckled, walking towards the door, “You enjoy your night alone with your gay roommate, while we enjoy our party.”

  Josh and Tanner left without another word to me, but I could hear them laughing and talking to each other even after the door closed behind them.

  I was relieved to have them gone.

  Ryan emerged from the bathroom fully clothed and immediately ran over and tackled me in a giant hug. He showered me with kisses, all over my cheeks and forehead and lips.

  I laughed, thankful to have someone to relieve my annoyance with Josh and Tanner. “What?” I asked, looking for an explanation for his random display of affection.

  “I heard that whole conversation.” He said, keeping his arms around my neck.

  “Oh...” I looked down, “I’m sorry about what they said.”

  “Jamie, you were so brave.” He said, gazing into my eyes.

  “Not really...” I said modestly.

  “You stuck up for me in the face of your stupid homophobic friends.” He said, “No offense to them, of course.”

  “No, I agree with you.” I laughed.

  “You stuck up for me even though you were scared.” he said, “I admire you for that.”

  I smiled and blushed.

  Ryan kissed me gently, his lips warm and smooth and tender.

  “I love you, baby.” He whispered. The term of endearment made me want to squeal.

  I wasn’t ready to say it back, but I’m pretty sure I loved him too.

  Chapter Twenty

  .

  I held Ryan close to me as we lay stretched out on my bed. We sat up together to watch a movie on my laptop. It was late at night on a Wednesday and we both had class early in the morning, but we just wanted to hang out with each other for a few hours before we went to sleep.

  Although we picked a movie that we both liked, we weren’t watching it very intently. We were too busy talking and flirting and kissing. It was an incredibly enjoyable night. We didn’t have to have sex to enjoy ourselves. Just being with each other was enough.

  During a break in our conversation, I leaned in and kissed his forehead. Before I even pulled away, he grabbed my face and looked into my eyes.

  “I think there’s some stuff we need to talk about.” He said.

  An uncomfortable mixture of worry and curiosity entered my bloodstream. I was a bit unsure what he meant. My heart started beating a bit quicker than usual.

  “Okay...” I responded uncertainly.

  Ryan laughed. “Relax, Jamie. It’s not anything really bad.”

  Once again, it was just another moment where Ryan practically read my mind. I exhaled in relief.

  “Oh, good.” I smiled.

  “But listen, it’s important.” He said, straightening his position.

  I waited impatiently.

  “To be completely honest, I’m sick of being trapped in this room.” He said frankly. He motioned to the walls around us.

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “It just kind of frustrates me that we can’t be affectionate with each other anywhere beyond our dorm room.” He shrugged, looking up at me with big eyes.

  My good mood shifted a bit. I thought Ryan understood that the whole coming out process was difficult for me. I thought he understood that it would take time for me to be comfortable using public displays of affection. It bothered me a bit that he was just now bringing this up.

  “Ryan, I’m just not ready for that.” I said, shaking my head.

  “I know it’s not easy, James.” He said, “And I know you just need time to get comfortable enough to start telling people. But I’m just being honest. I hate that we have to be so secretive about our relationship.”

  “Well, I hate it too Ryan but I’d rather keep it a secret for a little while than tell everyone before I’m ready.”

  “But will you ever be ready?” He asked.

  I groaned with frustration, “Ryan...”

  “I mean, I understand that you’re scared and that’s totally fine. But you kinda have to just... take a leap of faith.”

  I sighed. I couldn’t think of an argument against what he was saying. Why did he always have to be right?

  “I just don’t want you to hide who you really are from the people you love.” Ryan said, “I want you to be proud... you know?”

  “Yeah...” I said, my voice trailing off. My mind was occupied trying to imagine what my parents and friends would say when I came out to them. Josh & Tanner would look at me in disgust. Avery would feel awkward around me. Lola and Ava might not mind so much, since they adore Ryan... but what about my parents? My mom would cry. My dad would yell at me.

  Shit.

  I didn’t snap out of my daydreaming until Ryan took hold of my hand and interlaced our fingers.

  “It’ll be okay.” He whispered.

  I nodded distractedly.

  “I can help you figure out what you’re gonna say and stuff like that.” He encouraged.

  “Okay.” I said, my voice cracking in fear.

  Ryan placed a hand on my face and leaned in. But instead of kissing me like I thought he was going to do, he put his lips next to my ear and whispered tenderly, “I’m here for you.”

  I closed my eyes and breathed slowly, taking in his words and savoring the moment. For now, no one knew. For now, we were safe and no one was here to judge us. It was good to remember that, but it didn’t cure the dread gathering in my stomach.

  When Ryan pulled away and looked at me reassuringly, I felt a bit better.

  “Okay... next time I have the chance to talk to my friends one-on-one in person, I’ll do it.” I agreed.

  “Really?” He asked, surprised by my sudden confidence. But the confidence only existed on the outside. Inside, I was terrified.

  “Yeah...” I said reluctantly.

  “Take a leap of faith?” He asked.

  “Yes.” I said, liking that phrase when applied to this situation.

  He smiled. “That’s very brave, Jamie.”

  I nodded modestly.

  “So... how did you tell your parents?” I asked, “You told me how they reacted, but not how you actually told them.”

  He sighed, as if getting ready to tell a long story. He adjusted himself and rested his hand on my thigh comfortably.

  “Well, it was my sophomore year of high school.” He said, “So I was about fifteen. And I basically just sat them down one night to tell them. I made sure to do it right before bed so that afterward we could all just go to sleep and cool off before seeing each other again. That’s a good idea for you telling your parents, by the way.”

  The monster of dread in my stomach turned over restlessly.

  “Anyway,” He continued, “I started off by saying that I needed to tell them something very important. And they seemed supportive at first, so that boosted my confidence and it helped me spit it out. So I basically just said, ‘I’m gay.’ And I was crying and everything... and they obviously didn’t react well, as you already know.”

  I remembered what Ryan had told me about his parents reaction. They simply wouldn’t accept it. His father yelled and threw things. I cringed thinking of my parents reacting that way.

  Ryan looked down in despair and sighed. I gave him a sympathetic look and rubbed his back comfortingly. I felt terrible that he’d gone through such pain, especially since he was still in high school at the time and had to live with his unsupportive parents for a few more years after that.

  “But don’t worry, Jamie.” He said, looking back up at me, “Hopefully your parents will be at least a bit more understanding.”

  I wasn’t so sure about that.

  By now, the movie that was playing on my laptop hadn’t been watched for a good half an hour. Ryan leaned over and closed the computer before looking back up to me.

  “Come on, cheer up.” He encouraged, brushing my cheek with his thumb, “I’m sor
ry for being such a downer and telling you my depressing coming out story.” He chuckled a bit.

  I gave a quick, half-hearted smile but my thoughts were busy. The dread in my stomach was making me a bit nauseous.

  “James,” Ryan said in a jokingly stern voice, “Cheer up immediately.”

  In spite of myself, I laughed. I couldn’t help it. But then I went right back to feeling gloomy.

  He leaned in and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. “Stop it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Cheer up, come on!” He said, smiling.

  I bit my lip.

  “Don’t make me tickle you.” He threatened.

  “No...”

  “I’ll do it, you know I will!” He smiled, twiddling his fingers in front of my stomach.

  “No!” I screamed, grabbing the nearest pillow and throwing it at him.

  But it was too late. He managed to get his hands on my belly and tickle me senselessly. I laughed and struggled for breath, yelling at him to stop. When he finally did, I decided to retaliate. I knew exactly where his most ticklish spots were.

  I pinned him down on the bed and sat on top of him. I tickled the sides of his stomach and it was hilarious to watch him twitch and giggle and try to fight me.

  “Truce!” He yelled, a bright smile on his face. He held up his pinkie finger. I interlocked it with mine to make our truce official.

  Since I already had him pinned down on the bed, I decided not to waste it. I leaned down and kissed him romantically. I could feel him smiling against my lips.

  He was pretty good at cheering me up.

  We turned off all the lights and curled up in my bed together to sleep.

  The next morning we both headed off to class early. Unlike me, Ryan had another class immediately after his first one, so I went to get some breakfast in the cafeteria by myself after class. I figured I’d just get a quick bite and go back to the dorm room to chill for a little while.

  When I got my plate of food, it was much larger than I originally intended, which was typical for me. I would always tell myself to get something quick, but then I’d end up with a huge plate of food.

  I searched the dining hall for a friend to eat with, but none of my close friends were here. I finally settled on sitting by myself, but then I noticed Lola in a corner of the room, eating and reading a novel. She wore skin-tight black pants, black boots, and a cute wintery sweater. She’d dyed her dark brown hair with a tint of red since the last time I’d seen her, and had it tied up in a high ponytail with a ribbon.

  I figured she wouldn’t mind sitting with me, even if it interrupted her reading. And I hated sitting by myself.

  But then I remembered the promise I made to Ryan the previous night. I told him that I’d come out to the next friend I had the opportunity to chat one-on-one with. And if I sat with Lola, I’d have to go through with that promise. If I pulled up a chair at Lola’s table, I would have to tell her I’m gay.

  The monster of dread roared in my stomach. I felt that instant desire to procrastinate in telling her. I considered pretending that I didn’t see her and sitting by myself anyway, hoping she didn’t come up and talk to me. But I figured, I should probably do what Ryan suggested.

  Take a leap of faith.

  Summoning all my strength and courage, I confidently strolled over and pulled up a chair at her table.

  “Lola!” I greeted.

  “Hey, James!” She said, beaming and setting her book down. I was immediately struck by her huge bright blue eyes. They were neatly defined with dark eyeliner and mascara. She definitely wasn’t bad-looking. For a girl, anyway.

  “What are you reading?” I asked, sitting down.

  “Just some sappy book my mom recommended.” She answered.

  “Sounds exciting.” I commented sarcastically, laughing.

  “Oh, totally.” She echoed my sarcasm and rolled her eyes.

  I dug into my food, looking for something to occupy my terrified thoughts. But my hands were shaky so I could hardly pick up a fork. Plus, I suddenly lost my appetite.

  “Just getting some breakfast before class?” She asked.

  “I just had a class actually.” I replied, “But I didn’t get a chance to eat beforehand.”

  She nodded. “I gotta go to English in like half an hour.” She said, looking at her cell phone for the time, “But I can talk till then!”

  I smiled, despite knowing what that meant. This was the perfect opportunity to come out to her. I wanted to pass it up, but I couldn’t. I promised Ryan.

  Come on, James, just get this over with.

  “So hey can I talk to you about something?” I asked, despite every fiber of my being telling me not to.

  Lola immediately looked worried. “Sure, what’s wrong?” She asked. Her thick lips curled into a slight frown.

  “I mean, everything’s fine.” I assured her, “I just have to tell you something.” I immediately blushed.

  “Oh, okay.” She said, a bit of her frown fading.

  My instinct was to start stalling for absolutely no reason at all. So I started ranting. “I mean... cause you’re a good friend of mine. A great friend. And Ava too. You guys are awesome. And I feel like we know each other pretty well, you know? So I just felt like... you deserved to know... and I just need someone to talk to about it so I figured why not you?” I babbled.

  “Okay...” She said with a slight laugh in her voice.

  “I just...” I sighed, realizing I should probably just spit it out instead of procrastinating.

  I looked up at Lola and she raised her perfectly manicured eyebrows at me.

  I bit my lip and looked around the dining hall, paranoid. Worried that someone might overhear, I stood from my seat across from her and sat down in a chair right next to her instead. She seemed unfazed by this, and I felt like a teenage girl whispering dirty rumors and gossip to her best friend. But this was so much more than that.

  Lola turned to face me and started intently, waiting for whatever potential gossip I had to spill.

  I had no idea how to tell her, so I just went with the flow. “So... you know how Ryan’s gay right?”

  She laughed. “Obviously.”

  “Yeah, so...”

  She cut me off before I could say anything more. “Oo, did he see you naked or something?” She guessed excitedly.

  “Well...”

  “Did something totally awkward happen?”

  “No...”

  “Is it just weird living with a gay guy when you’re straight?”

  “I...”

  She cut me off yet again, gasping violently. “Did you have sex?” She asked loudly.

  “Shhh, Lola!” I scolded.

  Both of us looked around to make sure no one overheard. No one was looking our way, so we both deemed it safe to continue our conversation.

  “Did you have sex?” She asked again, whispering this time.

  I bit my lip, and that was all she needed to conclude that the answer was yes.

  She gasped again. “James!” Her eyes widened. She looked both shocked and excited. “You had sex with Ryan? Actual gay sex? With Ryan McMahon?”

  “Yeah...”

  Suddenly her attitude changed. She put a hand on my shoulder and looked at me with a hint of worry in her eyes. “James, are you gay?”

  I inhaled in preparation to answer her question, but my breath remained stuck in my chest. I was unable to breathe for a full ten seconds. My eyes watered. I was actually coming out to someone for the first time (well, second to Ryan). I was terrified and unprepared. But when I finally exhaled, the word “Yes” came out with it.

  Lola saw my tear-filled eyes and squeezed my shoulder, her eyes wide.

  “James, it’s okay!” She assured me, “I just didn’t know that.”

  Although I already knew she’d be supportive, I still let out a relieved sigh.

  “Me either, until recently.” I replied. I let my tears dry up. The monster in my stomach was at rest for now.

 
; “You just figured it out?” She asked.

  “Yeah.” I replied.

  “So... are you and Ryan together?” She asked, her worried expression turning into a huge, excited smile.

  I smiled back embarrassedly and looked down. “Yeah...”

  Lola squealed with delight. “Really?”

  I nodded.

  She clapped her hands excitedly and squealed again. She gave me a quick hug, beaming. “That is so cute!”

  I laughed.

  “To be honest,” She said, “I think he’s been totally in love with you for a long time. At least it’s always seemed like that to me. You can see it in his eyes whenever he looks at you.”

  That made my heart skip with delight. I must’ve been smiling because Lola squealed again.

  “I bet you two are so cute together!” She said, “So who else have you told?”

  “Just you so far.” I admitted.

  “What?” She gasped, appalled.

  “Well, I’m sort of on a mission to just go out and tell all my friends.” I said, “You just happened to be first.”

  “So you, me, and Ryan are the only people that know you’re gay?”

  “Yup.” I clarified.

  She looked astounded. “So who are you gonna tell next?”

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged, “I’ll just do it whenever I get the opportunity.”

  “Your parents don’t even know?” She asked.

  I shook my head.

  “Aw, James...” She looked sympathetic.

  “I’ll tell them eventually.” I assured her, “I’m just really scared.”

  Lola sighed and straightened her posture. “Well, just know that I’m very supportive of you. Especially since you and Ryan probably make an adorable couple. And I know it’s probably really scary to have to come out to your parents and friends. But I know you can do it. And just remember that I’ll always be here for you, okay?”

  My heart warmed and the monster in my stomach slept. “Thanks, Lola.”

  One down, one planet full of people left to go.

  Chapter Twenty One

  .