The Love We Breathe

by Adelia Everett

  “Hi, sweetie!” She squealed, hurriedly walking towards Ryan and thrusting her arms out for a hug.

  “Hi, Mom.” Ryan said with a laugh in his voice.

  She held onto him for at least fifteen seconds, squeezing him and twisting from side to side. I heard her say things in his ear like, “We missed you so much!” It seemed like something my mom would do. I couldn’t help but smile.

  Whatever bad opinion I had of the McMahon’s before I arrived was suddenly not so certain anymore. By their appearances and mannerisms alone, they seemed like such nice people. I started to question whether or not Ryan was telling the truth when he told me that his parents were unsupportive. What kind of parents would yell at their son for being gay, and then greet them like this after a few months apart? I was suddenly confused about how I felt about them.

  After finally letting go of Ryan, his mother turned on me.

  “And you must be James!” She said, smiling and holding her arms out for a hug, “I’m Vanessa.”

  We hugged, and it strangely wasn’t awkward at all. It was almost like hugging my own mother.

  “We’re so happy that you’re coming to stay with us!” She said as she backed out of our embrace, “Ryan’s told us a lot about you! He says you’re a great roommate.” She laughed.

  Roommate? I’m a great roommate? Not so much a great boyfriend? My stomach did some kind of a twist.

  Maybe Ryan did tell them that I was a great boyfriend. Maybe they were just choosing to ignore the fact that we were boyfriends. Maybe that’s how they dealt with Ryan’s sexuality. They just ignored it. Ryan did tell me to just act like we were best friends this week. Maybe that was why.

  We headed into the house and Ryan gave me a short tour. Each room was very nicely decorated, with earthy colors and antique furniture. I assumed his mother had done all that work. It was a smaller house, just right for three people. I liked it immediately.

  Ryan showed me the kitchen and the living room and his bedroom and the guest room where I would be sleeping. I dropped my suitcase off in there. It was a nice, small room with a queen-sized bed and a bathroom right next door. It would be a pleasant place to sleep during the week.

  Ryan and I headed back to the living room, where Tim was sitting in a comfortable-looking chair. While the two of us sat on the sofa, Vanessa emerged from the kitchen carrying a tray filled with various snacks and drinks for us.

  “Thank you.” I said, taking a glass from the tray, in which she had evidently poured some lemonade.

  “So polite.” She commented, wrinkling her nose at me.

  “So Vanessa,” Tim said to his wife, “James was telling me that he might want to major in business.”

  “Oh, that sounds like a good idea.” Vanessa said, sitting down in a chair across from the sofa.

  “No, Dad, that’s not what he said.” Ryan argued, “He said that his parents want him to major in business. But James isn’t really interested in that at all, are you, Jamie?”

  I laughed and shook my head, trying to remain polite. “No, I guess not.”

  Tim looked at me skeptically. “Is Jamie your nickname?” He asked.

  “Oh,” I said, chuckling a bit, “Not really. That’s just what Ryan calls me sometimes.”

  His expression turned even more skeptical. He furrowed his brow and turned to his son. “Why do you call him that?” He asked Ryan, with laughter in his voice.

  “I don’t know.” Ryan shrugged. His voice was full of annoyance, the exact same kind of voice I would use with my own parents if they were bothering me.

  “Don’t you think that nickname is a little...gay?” Tim asked, smirking.

  “Dad, stop.” Ryan groaned, hiding his face with embarrassment.

  I was a bit thrown back by Tim’s comment. That was the first negative thing he’d said since I arrived. He and his wife had been nice so far, and then he had to go and ruin it by saying that.

  Fortunately, we all let the subject drop.

  “So if not business, what would you like to major in, James?” Vanessa asked with a friendly smile on her face.

  I had no idea why this topic was so important to them. The last thing I wanted to think about over spring break was school.

  “Well, we were just talking in the car,” Ryan said, answering the question for me, “And James thought it might be a good idea to do something with photography, right?” He turned to me.

  “Yeah, actually.” I said genuinely, “I think I’m gonna look into that.”

  “Huh. Photography.” Vanessa commented, nodding, “Have you done lots of photography in the past?”

  “Well, not really.” I explained, “I just love taking photos, that’s all. And learning about it might be cool.”

  “Well that sounds very interesting.” She said, smiling.

  I nodded, smiling back.

  Outside, it started to rain. We heard the drops pounding on the skylight above, softly at first and then forcefully.

  “Luckily you didn’t drive home in this weather.” Vanessa said.

  While it rained, Tim lit a fire in the fireplace and the four of us chatted for a bit longer. Ryan and I told his parents all about our friends at school and certain things like that. Ryan told me a few details about his high school friends and mentioned that I would probably be meeting them this week.

  Finally, Vanessa looked at her watch and realized that she should probably be cooking dinner. She headed off to the kitchen, Tim headed off to the study to get some work done, and Ryan and I headed to his bedroom just to hang out.

  “They seem nice.” I said, keeping my voice quiet.

  “Oh, just you wait.” Ryan said.

  “I just don’t get it, babe. You say that they’re horrible to you every time you come home, and that they’re completely unsupportive. And yet they’re having completely decent conversations with your boyfriend? It just makes no sense.”

  “They’re just... being cordial.” He said, “If we just act like best friends, there won’t be an issue. If they see us kissing or holding hands or whatever, that’s when they’ll start making comments. So if we just keep our hands off of each other we’ll be fine.”

  It still confused me.

  We lay down on his bed together and I leaned over to give him a kiss.

  “They’re fine with you being alone with another boy in your bedroom?” I asked.

  “They know we wouldn’t do anything like that with them right down the hall.” He said, “As long as they don’t have to see it, it doesn’t bother them.”

  I shrugged and dropped the subject.

  “So you want me to meet your high school friends?” I asked.

  “Yeah!” He said excitedly, “Kelly and Jenny would love you!”

  “I’m sure I’ll love them too.” I said, “As long as those two gay guys you’re friends with don’t steal you away from me. What are their names again?”

  “Wes and Carson.” He laughed, “Don’t worry, I think they have this on-and-off thing with each other.”

  “Okay good.” I said, “No one’s taking my baby.” I kissed his nose.

  He giggled. “You’ll never have to worry about that.” He said, “I love you and only you.”

  I felt my smile growing wider and getting stuck on my face. “I love you too, Ry.”

  It was so easy to say that now.

  A little while later, Vanessa called to us that dinner was ready. We all gathered around the table in the small dining area next to the kitchen. Vanessa had prepared us a very generous meal with meat and potatoes and green beans and dinner rolls. It looked delicious.

  Tim sat at the head of the table. Vanessa and I sat on either side of him, and Ryan sat next to me. Not too long after we sat down, the conversation dissipated while we were all busy digging in. After a minute or two, Tim finally spoke up.

  “So Ryan...” He said casually, chewing on his meat, “Is your little... gay phase over yet?”

  I nearly dropped my fork. So this was what Ryan
was talking about.

  “Dad!” Ryan nearly shouted in anger.

  But wait... Tim and Vanessa clearly knew that Ryan had a boyfriend. So why would they ever assume that his “gay phase” was over?

  I confusedly looked from Tim to Ryan.

  “Didn’t you know, James?” Tim asked, “Ryan had this little thing in high school where he thought he liked boys or something.”

  Well... obviously I know... I’m his boyfriend...

  “Dad, shut up.” Ryan said forcefully.

  “So, what? You didn’t tell James, your best buddy?” Tim asked Ryan, “That’s a surprise, you usually tell all your friends.”

  Best buddy? You think I’m just Ryan’s best buddy?

  By now it was clear that they didn’t exactly know I was Ryan’s boyfriend.

  “You know...” Tim said, turning back to me, “I’m glad you and Ryan are friends. He needs a good manly influence like you. Maybe you could introduce him to some girls and stuff. You know... try to reverse all that faggot stuff he does.”

  “Dad... seriously... stop it!” Ryan shouted.

  So Ryan’s parents thought I was straight. He never told them that I was his boyfriend.

  I turned to Ryan with an appalled stare. He hadn’t necessarily lied to me, but he’d led me to believe that they knew. And they didn’t. I was angry with him for the first time in a long time.

  “Ryan...” I said, giving him an accusatory glance.

  He just looked at me with a guilty expression. His cheeks were bright red, and I wasn’t sure whether it was from anger at his dad or guilt towards me.

  “You didn’t tell them?” I asked him. I didn’t care if his parents heard.

  “Tell us what?” Vanessa chimed in. I’d almost forgotten she was at the table with us.

  I ignored Vanessa and kept staring straight at Ryan. He turned back to his food, his cheeks flaming. He angrily stabbed his green beans with his fork. His expression clearly said, No, I didn’t tell them.

  I whipped my head around to turn back to Tim.

  “Actually, Mr. McMahon,” I said loudly, with a hint of sarcasm in my voice, “I won’t be introducing Ryan to any girls. Because Ryan doesn’t have any interest in girls. Ryan is gay. He has always been gay and he always will be gay. That means he likes boys. It’s not just a phase, and you can’t change it.”

  Tim stared at me with a bit of an angry expression. “So you support this gay stuff he does?” He asked.

  I laughed spitefully. I turned back to Ryan, who was still staring intently at his plate and stabbing food with his fork. I could tell he sensed me looking at him, but he didn’t look back.

  Even though I was angry, even though I was probably going to yell at him or at least confront him after this dinner, I still loved him. He was wearing one of my sweatshirts that was much too big for him. His hair looked silky and shiny and I wanted to run my hands through it. He was beautiful, and I loved him. I wasn’t afraid to let his parents know that. I wasn’t afraid of Tim and Vanessa McMahon.

  I turned back to Tim once again.

  “Of course I support it.” I said, “Because I’m his boyfriend.”

  Vanessa nearly choked on her drink and Tim’s face went pale.

  “What?” He asked.

  “What?” Vanessa echoed, coughing.

  “Ryan!” Tim shouted, looking at his son.

  “James!” Ryan said. I turned and noticed that he was looking at me. He refused to meet his father’s stare, and instead kept his eyes glued on mine. He looked angry, appalled, and shocked that I would reveal our relationship to his parents. But he’d lied to me. He’d obviously lied to his parents. They needed to know about our relationship, homophobes or not.

  “What?” I asked him in a know-it-all fashion.

  “Ryan, you told us he was straight!” Tim said angrily.

  “Well I lied, okay?” Ryan retorted.

  “Which I was unaware of, by the way.” I said to his parents defensively.

  “I wanted you to meet my boyfriend.” Ryan said to his parents. I noticed tears in his eyes. “I wanted him to meet you. I wanted him to spend spring break with me. And you would’ve never allowed it if you knew.”

  “You’re damn right we wouldn’t have allowed it!” Tim shouted.

  “Alright, enough!” Vanessa said, “Enough of this gay talk, I don’t like it! Remember what we said, Tim? We said we wouldn’t discuss it and then maybe it would go away.”

  “It’s not gonna go away.” I laughed at her stupidity.

  “We’re done talking about it!” She said to me, almost as if she were my own mother, “Both of you boys have had enough to eat, you’re excused.”

  Ryan nearly bolted from the room but I was hesitant to stand and leave the table. I wanted to yell and scream and make them understand. I wanted to shove it in their faces and prove that I was right and they were wrong. I was angry and I needed to express it, but I realized that I barely knew these people and yelling at them wouldn’t make a great first impression. It was already fucked up, I didn’t need to make it worse.

  I left the table without saying anything and followed Ryan down the hall. I was going to follow him to his room, but he slammed the door in my face. My mouth nearly dropped to the floor in shock. My anger had reached it’s height. Why the hell was Ryan so mad at me?

  I opened the door to his room swiftly, stepped inside, and slammed the door behind me.

  Ryan was sitting on his bed, holding a book that I knew he wasn’t actually reading. But he pretended to read it with an angry expression on his face.

  “What the fuck is your problem?” I shouted at him.

  He ignored me and kept staring at the book.

  “Why would you slam that door in my face?” I felt like a father yelling at his child.

  He kept ignoring me.

  “Why are you mad at me?” I asked, “What the hell did I do wrong in this situation? You’re the one that lied to your parents! You told them I was straight? And you led me to believe that they knew about our relationship!”

  He still didn’t speak but his angry face softened just a bit. And with that, I saw tears fill his eyes once again.

  My anger started to melt.

  “Ryan...” I said, my voice softer, “Look at me.”

  He still refused. I could tell that he was embarrassed about crying. In the sunshine that came through the window, his teary blue eyes looked beautiful.

  “Come on.” I said, a bit more forcefully.

  He sighed and looked down, no longer pretending to read. Slowly, he inched his gaze upward until his eyes found my face.

  “Why did you lie to them?” I asked softly.

  He bit his lip. “They would’ve never let you come over if they knew the truth.”

  “Is it really that important that I be here for spring break?” I asked, “You’d rather lie to get permission for me to spend one week here than be honest with your parents?”

  “I’ve been honest with them from the beginning!” He argued, “Just a few months after I figured out I was gay, I told them about it. The thing is, even when I’m honest they get upset with me!”

  “Okay well you kinda lied to me too.” I said, folding my arms.

  He looked away. “I’m sorry, okay?” He said, his voice cracking, “I just really wanted you to spend spring break here.”

  I sat on the edge of the bed. “Why is that so important?” I asked.

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged his left shoulder, “I just didn’t want to be away from you for a whole week. I didn’t want to be stuck here alone with them.”

  “Baby...” I said, my anger completely fading. I moved closer to him on the bed so that we were sitting side-by-side. I wrapped my arms around him and held his head to my chest.

  “I’m sorry, James.” He said sincerely, his voice muffled by my shirt, “I didn’t mean to get so mad at you.”

  I was still a bit upset about the door slamming thing but I decided to let it go. It w
asn’t a big deal. Everyone gets angry sometimes.

  “I’m sorry I told them about our relationship.” I said, “You were obviously doing such a good job trying to keep it a secret, and I fucked that up.”

  “No, no, no...” He said, looking up at me, “Don’t be silly. I should’ve told them the truth. None of this is your fault. I should’ve expected this to happen.”

  “So what now?” I asked, “Are they gonna send me home or something?”

  “God, I hope not.” Ryan said, relaxing his body against mine, “I will not let them do that. At least, I’ll try not to let them.”

  “We’ll be fine.” I said, although I was feeling uncertain.

  “Yeah.”

  He leaned in and gave me a kiss. I refused to let him pull away, so we kissed slowly and romantically for a few moments. It took away all my stress, but as soon as he pulled away my shoulders felt heavy again.

  “I feel like I should try to talk to them.” I said.

  “Trust me, I’ve tried that before.” He said, rolling his eyes, “They won’t listen to anything you say.”

  “But I could at least try.” I suggested.

  “Well, if you want to try talking to them, you have fun with that.” He said, “I mean, I’ll back you up if you need me to but I’m just saying. I doubt they’ll listen or change their minds.”

  I bit my lip and thought about it for a moment. I had so many things I wanted to say to Tim and Vanessa, I just wasn’t sure if it would be worth it. But what could it hurt to try? Maybe I could end up changing their minds, at least a little.

  “I’m gonna do it.” I decided.

  “You’re gonna talk to them?” Ryan asked, sounding skeptical.

  “Yup.” I said.

  “Do you want me to be there?” He asked.

  “No, I want to talk to them privately.”

  I stood from the bed and straightened my shirt.

  “You mean you’re gonna do it right now?” Ryan asked.

  “Yup.” I bent down and gave him a kiss, “Wish me luck.”

  “Yeah, you’re gonna need it.” He said as I headed for the door.

  I turned to look at him. He had uncertainty spelled out plainly on his face.

  “It’ll be okay.” I promised him, “I love you.”