The Love We Breathe

by Adelia Everett

  His expression softened and he smiled. “I love you too.”

  I turned, opened the door, and held my breath as I walked back to the kitchen.

  Chapter Twenty Five

  .

  Walking down the hall of Ryan’s house, the gravity of what I was about to do started to weigh my stomach down. I started feeling short of breath and nauseous. I was about to confront Ryan’s parents when I barely knew them. I was worried about making them hate me even more. I was worried about what they’d say or how they’d react. Some part of me worried that they would even ban Ryan from seeing me.

  I took a big, shaky breath before stepping into the kitchen. Vanessa was putting dishes in the sink. Her face was angry and stony. Tim was pouring himself a glass of some kind of hard alcohol. He looked worn-out. I don’t know what they’d said in my and Ryan’s absence, but it appeared as though they were angry with each other.

  “Mr. and Mrs. McMahon?” I asked timidly, “I’d like to talk to you.”

  Vanessa turned on me instantly. “What could you possibly have to say?” She asked, throwing a dish towel onto the counter and putting her hands on her hips, “We welcomed you into our house warmly and allowed you to spend your spring break here. And you completely disrespected us in return! What do you have to say for yourself?”

  I laughed spitefully. “With all due respect ma’am, Ryan is the one that lied to you. I had nothing to do with that. I thought you two knew about our relationship. He lied to me as well.”

  “What is it that you want?” Tim asked, his voice softer than mine and Vanessa’s. He picked up his drink and went over to sit at the small table in the corner of the kitchen.

  “I want to talk to you and try to help you understand and accept that Ryan and I are together.” I said.

  “No.” Vanessa said immediately, “No, I’m sorry. There will be no more of this gay talk in my house.” I was about to respond, but she walked over to me and pointed a bony finger at my chest, “My son is not gay. He never has been and he never will be. He’s just going through a phase. Kids go through phases all the time. And you trying to convince him that he likes boys is not helping!”

  “You’re right.” I said matter-of-factly, “Kids do go through phases. But Ryan’s not a kid anymore, he’s an adult. An actual, legal adult. And you can no longer tell him what to do. You can’t just tell him that he’s not allowed to be gay.”

  “That’s not what I’m saying.” She argued, “I just know that he’s not. No son of mine is gay!”

  “Look...” I said, lowering my voice and calming my anger, “I just want to talk to you about all this because I want you to try and understand that he is gay. But his being gay is not a bad thing at all. If you just listen to what I have to say then maybe you will understand that.”

  I heard Tim groan with frustration and take a sip of his drink.

  Both Vanessa and I turned to where he was sitting at the table.

  “Look, kid.” Tim said to me, “We don’t even know you. Why do you want to talk to us?”

  “Because...” I took a breath. “I love Ryan.”

  “Oh, Jesus.” Vanessa said in disgust.

  Tim closed his eyes, as if trying not to picture something horrible in his mind.

  “Don’t get upset, I’m just letting you know!” I said, “I love Ryan and I want him to be happy. And having unsupportive parents is making him sad.”

  “We do support him!” Vanessa argued, “We love him very much!”

  “No.” I said confidently, “If you loved him and supported him, you wouldn’t be trying to convince him that his sexuality is a phase. You would just accept it.”

  Vanessa shook her head as if she wanted to argue further, but neither of them said anything.

  “Can I please just try and explain a few things to you?” I asked.

  “Sit down.” Tim said.

  I sat at the table, directly across from Tim. Vanessa stayed standing. She leaned against the counter and folded her arms. I could tell she had a wall up, but I knew how stubborn homophobes could be and I knew I probably wouldn’t be able to knock that wall down. My main focus became Tim, who was sipping on his drink and leaning back in his chair. His eyes looked tired, almost sad. Perhaps I could change his mind, even just a little. At least he was willing to listen.

  “Now, I know you love your son.” I said, “So if you love him, you have to accept who he really is. His sexuality is not a phase. He was born with it.”

  “Oh, how do you know?” Vanessa asked angrily.

  “Because I’ve been through the same thing!” I argued, “I went my whole life thinking I was totally straight, but in the end it turned out that I’m gay. And to be honest, I think I always have been. I was just in denial, or I just didn’t know it until recently. And it may have been the same for Ryan. He might’ve gone through life assuming he liked girls, but in high school or during puberty or something, he figured out that he likes boys instead. It’s not just a phase, that’s who he has been his whole life. He just didn’t know it until he was thirteen or fourteen.”

  “But how do you know it’s not a phase?” Tim asked.

  “Well, of course all kids go through phases. But don’t they only last a year or two?” I asked, “I mean... I used to be obsessed with Spongebob in the fifth grade! But it only lasted for about a year. That was a phase. Ryan has known his sexuality for five or six years! How could that possibly be a phase?”

  They seemed stumped on that one, so I continued.

  “Ryan is gay. That much is completely true. And I know you may not like it very much, but I have to ask you, why is that such a bad thing?”

  They didn’t respond.

  “Why is being gay such a bad thing?” I repeated, “There’s nothing wrong with it! It’s just a little different. Everyone is different! And to be honest, it’s not that unusual. Lots of people are born gay! So Ryan happens to be one of them. So what? What’s wrong with that!”

  “It’s not what’s best for him!” Vanessa piped in.

  “Of course it’s not.” I agreed, “Who would want their son to be ridiculed all the time? I get that. But that’s not his fault! That’s society’s fault for not accepting it! And he can’t help but be gay!”

  I stopped for a moment, thinking of a good metaphor to explain my point.

  “It’s like...” I said, “Let’s say that Ryan was born with one arm or something. Of course, that’s not what’s best for him. Of course you probably wish he’d been born with two arms like everyone else. Of course he’s gonna struggle in his life, and get picked on all the time. But he can’t help it. He was just born that way. And why is that such a bad thing?”

  “But those are two totally different things.” Vanessa argued, “He’s gay. That’s disgusting! Of course it’s a bad thing!”

  “Just because you think it’s disgusting doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing!” I said, “You don’t ever have to see us kiss if you don’t want to. We won’t show affection around you if it makes you feel that uncomfortable. But you still have to accept your son for who he is.”

  “If it’s at all possible to change him back to normal, I’d go for that.” Tim said.

  “Well it’s not.” I said angrily, “You can’t change your sexuality. You make it sound like he’s not normal. But he is. He’s perfect just the way he is. As his parents, I’d expect you to be the first people to see that. I don’t understand why you don’t.”

  “He can change it.” Tim said, “We can get him into therapy and fix this.”

  “No!” I shouted, almost laughing at the absurdity of that idea, “That would make him incredibly depressed and it would never fix anything! Besides, why do you even want to change it? Why can’t you just accept him the way he is?”

  “I want my son to be straight.” Vanessa said.

  “Well he’s not, and you’re gonna have to get used to that.” I said, “No kid turns out exactly the way their parents expect them to. At least he’s a good kid. At l
east he’s not getting drunk all the time and wasting his education and ruining his life. He’s a great person. If he’s gay, so what? He can still live a happy and full life!”

  She sighed, annoyed.

  “Look... I know you probably just want the best for your son.” I said, “But letting him be himself is really what’s best for him, and you’re not doing that. He’s happy with me. He’s happy being open and honest about his sexuality. And he’ll be even more happy if he has parents who love and accept him.”

  Tim was staring directly into my eyes but I couldn’t read his expression.

  “There’s nothing wrong with being gay.” I said, “Even if you think it’s disgusting.”

  Vanessa sighed again, but this time she didn’t sound so annoyed.

  “And I promise that I’m gonna try as hard as I can to make him happy.” I said, “I promise that I’ll be good to your son. I’d really like to stay for the rest of spring break, but I’ll leave if you want me to. I don’t think Ryan would want me to leave, though.”

  “You can stay.” Tim said.

  I was a bit shocked by this statement. I looked at him, confused and surprised. “Really?” I asked.

  “Yeah.” He nodded. “I get what you’re trying to say. I understand.”

  That nearly knocked the wind out of me. He understood...? Did that mean that he was going to start accepting Ryan’s sexuality, and even possibly accepting my relationship with him?

  “What...?” I asked, stammering a bit.

  “I guess I had never really thought about it much until today.” He shrugged, “I always thought it was a phase and that we wouldn’t have to deal with it for very long. I always thought Ryan would end up with a girl in the end. But I guess that’s not true. And now I kind of understand.”

  I smiled a bit at his words and he gave me a half-hearted side grin in return. But he took another sip of his drink and I could tell he was still a bit hesitant.

  His wife, on the other hand, didn’t look ready to accept things at all. She glared angrily at Tim and stormed out of the kitchen, her arms still folded, her heels making an awful clacking noise on the tile.

  I stared after her, knowing that there was nothing more I could say to sway her opinion. She would remain stubborn. She might not ever accept my relationship with Ryan. As this thought sunk in, I realized I would just have to deal with it. Tim was different, however. I caught him staring at me, as if analyzing me.

  “So you love Ryan?” He asked after some sort of a stare-down between us.

  “Yes, I do.” I nodded, never taking my eyes away from his.

  “And... he’s gonna be like this forever?” Tim asked.

  “You mean, is he gonna be gay forever?” I asked. Tim nodded so I said, “Yes.”

  He averted his gaze and looked at the glass in his hand for a moment. He seemed a bit disappointed, but I could tell he was fighting with himself. After another moment or two of silence, he leaned in and pointed a finger at me.

  “You better not hurt him.” He said threateningly.

  “Never.” I shook my head.

  “If I’m gonna allow this... this relationship to go on, I need to know that you’re not gonna hurt my son.”

  “I am not going to hurt him.” I promised.

  He stared at me again for a few moments, and his eyes softened.

  “You can stay for spring break.” He said.

  Then he stood up, leaving his empty glass on the table, and walked out of the kitchen. I sat alone for a moment to try and figure out what had just happened. All I’d done was speak my mind, and suddenly Ryan’s father agreed with me? It seemed crazy. But apparently it was true.

  I shot up and walked back to Ryan’s bedroom with a bounce in my step.

  When I opened the door, he was sitting on his bed and biting his nails.

  “Did you talk to them?” He asked, looking worried.

  I nodded and smiled. “Yeah...”

  “You’re smiling.” He noted.

  “Yes.”

  “Why are you smiling?” He asked, “What could they have possibly said that would make you smile?”

  “Well, your mom didn’t agree with me and she ended up storming out of the room.” I said.

  Ryan snorted angrily and turned away to look out the window.

  “But your dad... he actually... I think he kind of agreed with me.” I revealed.

  Ryan instantly jerked his head back to face me and his blue eyes widened. “What?” He asked disbelievingly.

  “I’m serious!” I laughed, “He said he’d never thought about it that way before. He said I could stay for spring break at least.” I shrugged.

  Ryan looked around the room, confused. But there was a huge smile on his face that wouldn’t go away. It made me happy.

  “So you’re staying?” He asked.

  “Yup.” I smiled brightly.

  He proceeded to tackle me into a giant hug.

  Later that night when it was time for us to go to sleep, I crawled into the bed in the guest room alone. Ryan and I both assumed that his parents didn’t want us to sleep in the same bed. I was supposed to be sleeping in the guest room anyway. And I wanted to follow their rules. I wanted to respect them, because maybe then they would respect me. I vowed that I would stay in my own bed, and leave Ryan alone in his. Besides, we slept in the same bed every night at school anyway. Why would one week sleeping alone be that big of a deal?

  But by midnight, I still couldn’t sleep. I realized that I was quite used to Ryan being next to me. It was hard to sleep without him there. Luckily, before I had a chance to start worrying about it, I heard the door of the guest room open.

  “Ry?” I called quietly.

  He didn’t answer but he stepped into the room and I saw his silhouette against the moonlight that came through the window. He jumped onto my bed energetically and crawled under the covers next to me.

  “Hi.” He whispered, leaning down to kiss me.

  “Ry, I feel like we should respect your parents wishes and sleep separately.” I said, expressing my concerns.

  “But I couldn’t sleep without you.” He said, resting his chin on my chest and looking at me.

  I gave in. “Me either.” I admitted, smiling.

  He laughed at me, trying to stay quiet so we wouldn’t wake his parents.

  Ryan settled himself into my bed and curled up next to me, his arm wrapped across my chest and his head resting on my shoulder.

  After a minute of silence, I decided that I wanted to talk to him about something that had been on my mind the last few hours.

  “Ryan...”

  “Hmm?” He mumbled sleepily.

  “Why did you tell your parents that I was straight?” I asked.

  “I already told you.” He said, “Because they wouldn’t let you come for spring break if they knew about us.”

  “Well, I get that.” I said, “It’s just... you’re always the one who is so confident about your sexuality. You’ve always been proud of who you are, and you’re never afraid to let anyone know that you’re gay. So why do you let your parents scare you so much?”

  He sighed. “It’s different with my parents.” He said, “With friends it’s easier because if they can’t accept me, then I guess they were never my friend in the first place. But with my parents... if they can’t accept me then I basically don’t have any parents.”

  I hummed thoughtfully.

  “I know I shouldn’t have lied to them.” He admitted, “But... I just really wanted you to be here for spring break. I didn’t want you to have to go home to your parents. It would’ve stressed you out and everything. Plus, I really just wanted to be with you this week.”

  I smiled and kissed his forehead. “I understand, baby.”

  We didn’t need to say anything more. So we fell asleep together.

  Chapter Twenty Six

  .

  The next day was Easter Sunday, so we went over to visit Ryan’s relatives. We didn’t go to church
or anything like that. I guess the McMahon’s viewed Easter as just a holiday where we gather with our families and have egg-hunts and a fancy dinner. They didn’t see it as much of a religious holiday, which was completely fine with me. We slept in instead of going to church.

  The day was mostly filled with Ryan introducing me to his aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents. He mostly introduced me as his roommate, and that was fine with me. I didn’t want to start any drama in their family. At one point during a nice dinner that Ryan’s aunt had cooked, one of his cousins leaned over and whispered something in his ear. She looked about ten or eleven years old and had the same pale skin and blue eyes that Ryan had. Ryan responded to her whispering by laughing and nodding with a smile on his face. She giggled sweetly and went back to eating her dinner.

  “What was that all about?” I asked Ryan in hushed tones.

  “She asked if you were my boyfriend.” He said, beaming.

  I smiled back.

  The rest of spring break was pretty calm. Ryan showed me around town and we hung out at different places every day. We even had time to sit around his house and watch movies and just relax. It was a pleasant break from the stress of schoolwork, even with his disapproving mother eyeing us constantly.

  I guess Tim and Vanessa had discussed our relationship a few times, but apparently Tim had not had any luck getting Vanessa to accept it. Whenever Vanessa would glare at me, I would catch Tim give me an encouraging smile.

  On the last day of spring break, Ryan informed me that we would be spending the evening hanging out with his high school friends. We were going to the house of some girl named Kelly. I could tell that Ryan was excited to see all his friends again. While we were driving to the get-together, I had to ask him about it.

  “Ryan, I thought I remember you telling me that you didn’t many supportive friends in high school.” I said.

  “Oh.” He said thoughtfully, “Well... I guess what I meant was... when I came out of the closet, I lost pretty much all my friends. I mean, back then I had a different group of friends.”