If Wishes Were Curses

by Janeen Ippolito

  The words pushed at my teeth, desperate for release. I couldn’t let them. I couldn’t let myself be weak enough to admit how much I needed his affirmation. How much it had hurt every time someone asked if we were mates, and he brushed it aside.

  My hands shook in his as the Jinn magic crawled around in my head. Desperate for release, even with the shadows of his magic. Make everything stop. Make it all go away. Change everything.

  A curse came from Gideon in the front. The car skidded wildly to the side. “Al, a crap-ton of traffic cones just melted.”

  “And I think my seat just grew fur,” Jack added. “Whatever’s going on back there, can you two get it locked down? I need you sane.”

  “Trying!”

  “What does that mean?”

  I shook my head, clutching Cendric’s hands even more tightly. He was close, so close.

  “Allis, I’m here.”

  “No!” Swirls of colors fought with shadows in my vision. I shuddered, feeling wetness trail down my cheeks. “No one ever stays, and if you knew what was going on in my head, what I’m having to fight, you would leave too.” I blinked through the tears, managing to look up into his face. “And I don’t want you to. I need you. Please stay.”

  “Always. I promise.”

  “I promise too. Always.” With that, something else locked into place. Shadows and pulses of deep blue magic filled the back of the car. For a moment, something different fell in front of my mind, blocking my vision. A harsh, gray desert, spanning out to every horizon. Cendric kneeling on the ground shirtless, with his wings flaring out behind him. When his eyes met mine, they were raven-black and endless.

  Chills raced across my skin. But they were pleasant, evaporating the terrifying Jinn magic. I breathed out, relieved. “Cid, what is this place?”

  “You can’t be here,” he whispered. His voice was as harsh as the wind whipping across the bare ground. “No one can come into this place, save for those traveling to the next, and even then, their travel is swift, on the winds.”

  I shrugged. “Well, here I am! And this place is amazing.”

  A laugh escaped him, bordering on croak. Cendric had said he had the soul of a raven. Was this it? “Amazing? It’s hard and fearful and lonely.”

  “I know!” I gave a short laugh. “This is incredible. I feel normal. I’m not going crazy with every molecule chattering to me. The crazy is gone.”

  He tilted his head, almost birdlike. “You’re insane?”

  “Don’t tell anyone, but I’m not sure if I’m using my magic or if it’s using me. You heard what was going on outside? The melting traffic cones? That’s been happening on and off, in little ways.” I walked toward him, and he tensed, ready to take flight. “You calm that crazy. Here, I feel safe.”

  “I once felt safe here. Once … there were others.” Cendric’s expression turned distant. “Others like me, passing through. But not for a while now.”

  I lowered my voice. “Your flock? This is a special place for raven shifters, and they left you?”

  “I wasn’t one of them. I couldn’t fly as they did.”

  “At least you had them for a while.”

  As soon as I said the words, I regretted them. His face twisted with deep grief. He threw back his head and called out a deep, heartrending screech of loneliness that pierced my heart. I knew then, it wasn’t the same. No matter what he did, it would never be the same.

  “Hey, I’m sorry,” I crooned, easing my hands onto his shoulders. “I’m here, okay? I said that, always.”

  His face suddenly snapped down to mine, eyes pinning me in place.

  “I knew…” The words came out short and choppy. “I knew, every time I saw you. But I wasn’t allowed to remember. I searched and never found anyone.”

  “I get that, so much.”

  “I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t find you to tell you. When I finally did, you kept turning away. I couldn’t bring you here.” He shuddered. “You can’t be here.”

  “Yeah, well apparently impossible is what I do.” I slowly wrapped my arms around him, conscious only of this moment, of his rapidly beating heart. “And I’m staying. Like I said earlier. I promised.”

  For a moment, he was stiff beneath my embrace. Then, gradually, he relaxed and held me close. His black wings came around me, and that same deep warble arose from his chest. “You’re mine.”

  And you’re mine.”

  The gray desert faded. I was in his arms once more, breathing in the scent of copper and cedar, mixed with leather. I blinked, pulling out from the intensity of Cendric’s stare. My breathing evened. “Well, that happened.”

  “Indeed.” His voice was low.

  Gideon’s words broke through. “Thanks, Al. Good job fixing things that fast.”

  Fast? It hadn’t felt fast.

  My surprise must have been clear, because Cendric smiled. “Time works differently in that place.”

  “No kidding.” I struggled to make sense of it. “That was some kind of … special raven place?”

  “Where our souls can fly on the fringes of life and death, yes. We each have our own part of the realm, but we can join the others. Until I was turned. Then they abandoned me, except for a few. So few…” His voice trailed off.

  I nodded and settled in closer to him, sensing he needed to speak more. The shadows over his face didn’t pass. They stayed, revealing harder angles and a strange, almost vicious aura. “The first few years—no, the first few decades after my grayling confirmation, I gave in to the bloodlust. I lived and acted like a vampire in every way. I had nothing and no one else to live for. I was very dangerous, as one who walked in daylight and was immune to many vampire curses. I spent my years carelessly to amass as much power and influence as I could. My family had been destroyed. My flock disowned me, so I sought to make a new one, even if it was with the worst of the worst.”

  His words were ice in my veins, jolting me out of my self-pity. “What brought you back?”

  Cendric pulled something out of the collar of his shirt. A small cross, dangling on a thin silver chain. “I was asked to kill someone. A favor to one of the reprobates I considered friends. But the man, the vampire, caught me as I held the pistol to his chest. He didn’t fight back, only said that he knew me and claimed I had a special destiny. That I could join him in freeing the cursed souls afflicted with vampirism. That I could use my knowledge and cleverness as a raven to make their days in this world have meaning until their physical forms gave out. He accused me of wasting a gift, as he had almost done.”

  “Ouch.” I nodded sympathetically. “Sounds a little like my mom. What did you do?”

  “I tried to kill him.” His voice grew quiet. “But I couldn’t. No one had believed in me until that vampire. But … something changed. There was no great moment of revelation. I can only attribute it to destiny and the divine. After all, I survived vampire venom, and became one of them. That should be impossible. It seems that meant I was claimed as well. Complete with a gray mark.”

  I mulled it over. His words seared my soul, yet they didn’t really surprise me. “Huh, that’s weird.”

  “Very reassuring.”

  “I mean, I think you’ve told me this before.” Another memory emerged. “A bar. I don’t remember where. I was working an investigation, but you looked so sad.”

  Recollection showed in his eyes. “No one else could tell. I was hosting a party for some colleagues. I had them utterly convinced I was merry and well. Then they left, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was the anniversary of my turning. I didn’t want to be alone. So I sat at the bar—”

  “And struck up a conversation with me.”

  “More like I spoke far too freely about my past and feelings, and you said little to nothing about yours,” the vampire grumbled.

  “One of my unofficial superpowers.” I gave him a gentle shove. “I didn’t mind hearing it again. You went through an awful time. Went off the deep end and came back
, thanks to destiny that you don’t understand. I’m glad you did. Although it’s refreshing to hear you admit you’re dangerous.”

  “I’m not proud of being so. It’s simply my reality.”

  “Why not? Dangerous people are the best at protecting others from dangerous people. Own it.”

  “Says the woman who is afraid of her own magic.” His smile was brittle. Fragile.

  “Point taken.” I nudged him again. “What happened next? Keep talking. Refresh my memory after Melrose Durante convicted you.”

  Cendric started. “I told you his name earlier at the bar?”

  “I guess so.” I shrugged. “I remember it, along with the phrase ‘Houses of the Dead.’ And then you were horrified and made me swear not to tell anyone.” I winked at him. “Don’t worry, I won’t.”

  He relaxed slightly. “What Melrose and his kind of vampire do is unique

  and clandestine. Their capabilities set them apart as well. And Melrose prefers his privacy whenever possible. I do want to tell you more, but I must receive certain permissions from them first.”

  “You got it. I’ll wait.”

  “Good.” He sighed. “I started making changes within my sphere of influence. Experimenting with growing blood substitutes from magic-laced plants. Refusing my customary haunts and activities among other vampires and opening conversations about an alternative. They didn’t appreciate that, but I was already in power and I’m quite likable. So they only tried to kill me half the time.” He smirked. “Eventually, I moved here from New York City and took the position of blood binder. A part-raven to Pittsburgh. I’m not a fan of football, but I understood the irony.” He turned to me. “I would never choose to be with a woman who had contradictory beliefs, or who could be harmed by my dangerous path. My first wife was wonderful, but now?” Cendric shook his head. “I am a completely different person. And the man I am now is entranced with you, Allisandra Evanenko Mahdi Al-Maram. You are strong, independent, clever. You hold your pain lightly and focus on the future. You’re witty. And I’m not afraid of losing you, because you can protect yourself.”

  “And yet, you still want to protect me, hm?”

  “Always.”

  “I’m okay with this.” I leaned against him, half in his lap. His arm curled around me, surrounding me with his scent and the smell of leather. And another scent that was a bit less sexy and a bit more … food. “Cid, did you spill something on this once upon a time?”

  “Maybe. Why?” He glanced at me, nonplussed, eyes glinting with dry humor. “Do you offer dry cleaning services in addition to house cleaning?”

  “No. Although that’s a good idea if my business falls through.”

  “Ah.” He stroked my hair. “Yes, I spilled soda on it a long time ago. I did have it professionally cleaned, however.”

  I gave another, subtle inhale, letting my negative emotions float away with the safe banter. “You got ripped off.”

  “So you are volunteering.”

  “You couldn’t afford me. I charge more for high-end customers.”

  “Is that fair?”

  “It’s good business sense, Cid.”

  He chuckled. “After we deal with Neil, I want to learn more about your business and find a way to work with you.”

  “I’m okay with that” Gideon had mentioned someone who could do field work with me. Although Cendric was a lawyer. Did lawyers do field work? “Why the interest?”

  “So many Fae issues come from poor romantic decisions. The effects of those decisions walk through my door frequently and come up in my role as the Fae court’s blood binder. Fae who drug humans to entrap them for a hundred years, humans who steal selkie pelts to entrap Fae, women who chase down vampires asking them to turn them, even though vampirism slowly decays the body and degrades the mind.”

  I glanced up at him. “It does?”

  “Yes. It takes many centuries, but it happens. It’s one reason why older vampires are more dangerous than the new ones. They’re desperate and senile. Often they have some form of dementia and won’t admit it.” Cendric sighed. “Neil being a prime example. He’s quite deluded.”

  “And yet he still has that good ol’ can-do, take-over-the-Fae-court spirit.”

  He glared out the window into the dark. “His actions will upset everything in the community I’ve built, both in the firm and at home.”

  “You don’t live alone?”

  “Why would I? That would be terrible.”

  I shrugged and leaned in closer as Gideon squealed around another curve. “You know, the typical loner vampire tortured by his morals sequesters himself in a moody apartment, living on takeout food or bag blood.”

  “I know some of those. Completely unnecessary in most cases.”

  “Most cases?”

  It was his turn to shrug. “Some vampires have difficulty controlling themselves in public. I’ve had to kill them. So instead, I keep a sort of halfway house with a friend of mine, Akira Yamamoto. He runs the house, I fund it. The vampires who wish to be useful care for the menagerie at night.”

  I paused. “Menagerie?”

  “When I was learning to gain control over my impulses, I took to working with rescue animals to build up my tolerance. Ravens, at first, like Edgar. Now I also fund an animal sanctuary that helps other vampires learn to do the same.”

  This was incredible. I laughed. “How are you still single? Wait, are you even allowed to tell me about Akira?”

  He chuckled. “Considering I want you to meet him as soon as possible, I think I can let that much escape. It will be a good entry point into the rest of their community.” Then his expression turned serious. “Allis, my life is very complicated.”

  “Ditto. Keeps things from getting boring. We’ll figure it out, no rush.”

  Really. We literally had forever, especially because Cendric was a ‘healthy’ vampire. Part of me was okay with waiting, taking things slower with him. The other part wanted to jump him in the back of Jack’s sports car, because he was there and looked amazing. But that part needed to shut up and chill out in a bucket of ice. At least until after the mission.

  Cendric’s fingers stroked my hand as he held it. “Well, I would like to settle some things. Gideon referred to me as your boyfriend. While I don’t prefer the term—”

  “You could be a ‘gentleman caller’.” I rolled my eyes. “And I don’t recall promising my eternal devotion to any of my other boyfriends, so I’m thinking this is a lot stronger. Isn’t the word ‘mate’ among shifters?”

  “It is. Although ‘mate’ shouldn’t be possible since I’m a vampire.”

  “Not all vampire.” I raised my eyebrows. “Trust me, I saw the raven in there.”

  He took my chin in his hand, gentle enough that I could pull away. “Do you truly want this?”

  “Yeah, I do. I wouldn’t have invaded your personal isolation bubble and made those

  promises otherwise.”

  Even though I meant the words, they still sent ripples of disbelief through me. I wanted commitment, but I was picky as hell. I knew what I wanted. To have that presented now before me was…well, weird. Something new, stepping into an entirely new world. A conversation for another time and place. Words spilled out of my mouth. “But no more serious talk right now. If we survive this, we can talk more then about what we are.”

  “Hmmm. Then what shall we do in the meantime?” Cendric’s face lowered to mine. His voice deepened, equal parts teasing and desire. “What if I require some form of security on my end?”

  I leaned up until I was a breath from his mouth. “Well, then I’d say you’re out of luck, Cid.”

  “Luck is a pagan superstition.”

  Heat filled me. “Shut up.”

  Just as our lips were about to touch, the car jerked to a halt. Gideon shouted back to us, “Okay, no making out where I can see it.”

  I sighed. “So shut your eyes.”

  “Oh, so now you’re speaking English again?”


  “What do you mean?” I turned toward Gideon.

  He looked at me in the rearview mirror, worry mingling with sarcasm in his face. “You’ve been talking in another language ever since your magic got fixed. No idea which one.”

  I sat up, startled, looking at Cendric. “Cid—”

  “I didn’t think about it at the time. It seemed natural.” Awe filled his expression. “You were speaking Hungarian. The same dialect I speak.”

  “How the—?”

  “Weirdass Fae shit,” Jack broke in. “Figure it out later, you two. Right now, we need to take out the wannabe vampire overlord.”

  My mind snapped into focus. She was right.

  Mission first. The rest could wait for later.

  Chapter 20

  I was one hundred percent sure Gideon was glaring at Cendric with his best little brother guard-otter expression. Clearly, he sensed that our bond definitely had a mate side now, even if before that had been up in the air.

  I really wished I’d gotten to kiss Cendric again. I’d simply have to live in order to make that happen. Whatever we became after this confrontation, at least we would be together. Always.

  Eons later, Jack broke the awkward silence. “Okay then, time to get down to the plan. Gideon, now that we’re not dead, and the clutch is only half-dead, where’s the potion you made?”

  Gideon pulled a small vial out of his coat pocket and handed it to Jack. “It’s designed to work with your biochemistry, sort of like perfume. Also like perfume, put it on your neck and wrists. It will camouflage your magic and race from any kind of detection through scent or scanner. Lasts about an hour.”

  “Simple enough,” Jack said, doing as he instructed, then handing the small bottle over to me. “What’s the catch?”

  “You can only use passive magic. As soon as you start shifting, using Jinn magic, or doing,” he glanced dismissively at Cendric, “whatever you do with magic actively, you’re fair game. So don’t go active until you’re really ready to be noticed.”

  I nodded. “Got it.

  I applied the potion and almost passed the vial to Cendric but thought better of it. “Nah, I think I should do this. A small repayment for what you did to my neck.”