Heart Waves

by Danielle Sibarium

  I picked up one of his hands and entwined my fingers with his. “Not until you tell me about her, about what happened. Okay?”

  “You’re giving me a condition?” His eyes flashed with anger, “Are you kidding? Do you know how many girls have wanted to hear what I have to say? Do you have any idea what Becca would’ve given for me to have said it to her? And you don’t want to hear it?”

  “I do.” I answered quietly. “Just not now.” He didn’t get it.

  My sudden need to know about their relationship had been driven by something coming together in my mind. A vision. I hear Rebecca’s name, Reece tells me he loves me, and then a flood of tears. For both of us. We are both heart broken. If only I could keep him from telling me until I figure it all out, maybe we could avoid the pain.

  Reece cleared his throat and pulled me off his lap. He stood and helped me up. We walked back to our towels, but nothing felt easy or tranquil. The serenity had been tossed away with the waves. Fear, anger and silence all were left in the wake of what started out as a beautiful day.

  * * *

  The drive home seemed to last forever. He didn’t reach for my hand or glance in my direction. We didn’t even talk.

  At all.

  I felt terrible. I hurt him. That was never my intention. I wished I could make him understand they were only words and they didn’t matter. And although he didn’t say it, I knew he loved me. I knew it like I knew my reflection. His actions, the way he looked at me and his touch. They spoke much louder than words ever could.

  He parked in front of Mike’s house and walked me home. Neither of us looked at the other. Everything between us felt broken. He kissed me on my forehead before he turned to leave.

  “Reece wait!” I called afraid he’d continue on his way.

  He turned back and looked at me with pain in his eyes.

  “I’m sorry.” I ran forward and threw my arms around him. He accepted the embrace and after he let out a loud breath I felt him relax. “Try to understand, it’s a vision. I’ve never had one before. I’m just trying to figure it out.”

  He nodded.

  “Will you be back later?” I asked afraid of the answer.

  He shook his head, “I don’t know. I need to spend some time alone. Thinking.”

  I felt sick. I wanted to throw up. I couldn’t believe I ruined everything.

  “Thinking?” I felt certain he could see fear and panic in my eyes.

  Again he nodded. “I need to sort some stuff out.”

  I felt like an inflated balloon someone let go of before tying it.

  “Oh,” I said looking down disheartened.

  He lifted my chin with his index finger, “I’ll call you later. I promise.” He kissed me on top of my head and walked away.

  I watched him walk back to Mike’s house, my arms crossed over my stomach, without moving, until Reece disappeared through the front door. I couldn’t lose him. I loved him too much.

  I reminded myself people argue or fight, or whatever we did, and the world doesn’t end. They work through it. I didn’t allow myself to consider Reece wouldn’t come back. I knew he would.

  After dinner when I tossed in the last load of laundry, my third of the day, without being asked, my mother looked worried. Her forehead creased and her eyes narrowed.

  “Okay, what’s going on?” She asked.

  “Nothing.” I couldn’t even look at her. Of course she knew I lied.

  “Did you and Reece have a fight?”

  I let the tears stream down my face. “I messed everything up Mom. I feel like such an idiot.”

  She put her arm around my shoulder for comfort. “Why don’t you tell me what happened. I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think, and you’ll probably feel a lot better afterward.”

  “Aren’t you happy? You don’t even like him.”

  “Jenna,” she looked shocked I could say such a thing to her. “I would never be happy to see you hurt. And I do like him. I just don’t like that he has the ability to cause you so much pain.”

  “He wanted to tell me he loved me but I wouldn’t let him.”

  “Oh.” Mom said as if she expected to hear something all-together different. “It’s obvious he has very strong feelings for you.” She smiled. “I can see it when he looks at you, how he listens when you speak. How he doesn’t seem to mind when your father and I are around.”

  “I know.” I nodded. “That’s why he doesn’t need to tell me. I already know.”

  Mom looked confused. “Do you not feel the same way? Did you feel obligated to say,” she cleared her throat, “or do something in return?”

  I shook my head. “I love him more than I ever thought possible. And he’s never even tried to do more than kiss me.” I looked away, too nervous to meet her eyes. “He doesn’t expect sex in return.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  “I got a bad feeling, like if he said it something really bad was going to happen,” the words came out in a jumbled mess, “so I stopped him and asked about his ex-girlfriend, and he thinks I don’t trust him, and he’s mad, and I ruined everything.”

  My mother rubbed my back and smiled, “I’m sure you didn’t ruin everything, Honey. He seems to be a very nice boy. I’m sure you’ll work it all out.”

  Chapter17

  I sat on the beach and watched the waves crash and roll up on the sand, reflecting the light from the moon and stars above, a mirror to the heavens. The water was mellow, gentle from the lack of motion breaking the surface. There weren’t many boats out. Only two passed the whole time I watched.

  I opened my left hand and ran my finger down the length of the line going from the middle of my palm, down to the bottom and wrapping around my thumb. The life line. I didn’t know anything about palm reading, but everyone knows about the life line. Mine wrapped around to the other side of my hand. I stroked my fingers gently and then my palm wishing I could pick up on my own energy. Nothing came through.

  Frustrated I picked up a hand full of sand and watched it sift through my fingers. Time I was letting slip by. I could go home and knock on Mike’s door. I doubted Reece would have someone send me away. I could take the opportunity to apologize for my strange behavior earlier. He’d listen, but I doubted he’d understand. How could I expect him to when I couldn’t?

  I could go home and call him. I left my phone on my night table so I wouldn’t give in to temptation. I wanted him to have the space he needed. I needed to respect that for multiple reasons. I wanted him to know I trusted in us enough to give him that space. And nothing annoyed me more than the clingy insecure type. I couldn’t let that be me.

  I could text him an apology. It would get my message across and yet be impersonal enough not to be seen as an intrusion of sorts. He wouldn’t necessarily respond to it either.

  “What is it with you and being alone in the dark?”

  He came.

  I looked at him in awe, my heart picked up speed. How did he know? It took every ounce of self-control I had not to jump up and throw my arms around him.

  “I’ve been calling and texting you for the last hour.” He took a seat on the sand next to me.

  “I left my phone home,” I answered while trying to get a read on him.

  “You’ve been out here by yourself that long?” He looked disturbed.

  I nodded. “Time flies when you’re having fun,” I attempted to smile.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a slight shake of his head. My whole body went rigid with tension. I turned back to the water.

  “How did you know where to find me?”

  His expression lightened. “Your mother said you went for a walk, you weren’t with Grace or me, and I know you’re drawn to the water. Where else would you be?”

  He’d been paying attention. He knew me. Really knew me.

  “Did you sort everything out?” I asked, my voice cracking.

  He nodded.

  “And?” I tried to keep it together, not sur
e I wanted to hear the answer.

  Reece smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I can’t help but wish things were different.” He reached over and brushed a loose band of hair behind my ear.

  I nodded, unable to speak. I felt my eyes cloud over. I sniffled and squeezed them shut trying to keep the tears from escaping.

  “Jenna,” his voice sounded sad yet soothing. “What’s wrong?” He reached for my hand and scooted closer to me so that his leg and hip rubbed against mine, warming my entire body, comforting me.

  I looked sideways at him, afraid to face him directly. I wanted nothing more than to feel his arms holding me tight and I worried it would be obvious in my eyes. Even knowing he wanted out I couldn’t get past how my stomach fluttered when I looked at him.

  I shook my head barely finding my voice. “I didn’t want it to end like this.”

  He wrapped his arms around my waist making my stomach twist and turn, and leaned in, resting his forehead against mine. “Are you breaking up with me?” He asked, a note of amusement in his voice.

  “Aren’t you?”

  He leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine, soft and tender. His free hand lost in my hair, holding me, caressing me, until he broke away.

  “Does this feel like breaking up?” He asked, his chest heaving.

  I traced his lips with my pointer finger and shook my head.

  “I’ll never let you go Jenna. Never.”

  His voice held a possessive tone. It reminded me of the boardwalk when he declared me as “his girl.” I felt heat spread through my body, as if he’d just lay a warm blanket over me.

  “I’m confused. What did you have to sort out? What do you wish was different?”

  “This. The trust. Or lack of trust. I tell you I need to think, you assume it’s about ending things.”

  “That’s how you wanted it to sound.” I answered with more confidence than I had a minute ago.

  “Maybe you’re not so sure of me.” His voice cracked. His eyes fell to the sand, showing his uncertainty, his vulnerability. “Maybe you didn’t want to hear what I had to say because you don’t feel the same way.”

  “You’re wrong. About everything. I asked about Rebecca because I felt something and I’m trying to understand it. It’s like she’s a catalyst, only I’m not quite sure to what.” I paused. “And whatever it is, it happens after you . . .” I stopped cold, seeing in his eyes, he didn’t believe me.

  Reece took my hand and pulled me on his lap. His arms held my body close to his, like we had been earlier in the afternoon.

  “Where do you see yourself in five years?” He asked.

  I shrugged. I hadn’t thought about five years down the line. “I’m not even sure what college I’m going to next year, let alone where I’ll be in five years.”

  He nodded. “I thought about that today. About where I hope to be five years from now.” He looked down, that shy look about him again. “I don’t know exactly what I’ll be doing or where I’ll be, but I do know where ever I am,” his eyes met mine. He was serious and steadfast, “I want you there with me.”

  Relief washed over me, “That’s it, five years is all?”

  “Five more years than you admitted to.” He stroked my hair. “But we have to get past this. You gave me a condition. I’m willing to meet it, if you’ll meet one of mine.”

  “Agreed.”

  “I’ll tell you about Rebecca if you promise to believe in me. Believe that I love you and I’m not going to leave you. From here on out. Even if logic tells you not to.”

  I hesitated answering. I wanted to explain that it wasn’t logic putting doubts in my head. “It’s not so much that I think you’ll leave me, but we’ll be pulled apart.”

  His lips pressed together in a thin line, “It’s not going to happen.”

  Silence. We were at an impasse. All I had to do to get the information I wanted was agree. I didn’t want to lie to him, but he wasn’t giving me much of a choice. And maybe if I understood, I’d be able to change the course and therefore drop the whole heartache controversy for real.

  “You want me to trust you, more than myself.” I’d been trying to do that since we met, but found myself failing miserably. The more I wanted to discount the premonition, the more pronounced it became in my heart and mind.

  “Pretty much,” he said with a crooked smile.

  I wondered if he really expected me to just ignore my feelings. It’s not like I lived my life according to predictions or feelings, but I couldn’t shut them off either. And I never felt anything this strong, this certain.

  “I promise.” To try.

  Reece held my head between his hands his eyes locked on mine. He looked serious, and the long pause he took before speaking coupled with his trembling hands betrayed his nerves.

  “Jenna.”

  He swallowed hard. Another sign this was difficult for him. I wanted to make it easier, blurt it out before he did, but I fought the urge. I understood this held meaning for him.

  “I love you, Jenna.”

  His voice held so much feeling a wave of emotions overwhelmed me. My eyes filled with tears of joy. I wanted to find a way to validate his proclamation with one of my own. I positioned myself so that I faced him. I clasped my hands behind his neck and kissed him in response. I kissed his lips, his neck, my hands moved to his shoulders, his back.

  “I love you too,” I whispered in his ear. “My heart, my soul, they belong to you.”

  In a sudden flurry of movement, Reece laid me on my back in the sand, guiding me down so he could climb on top of me. With one hand behind my neck, the other hand ran the length of my body, coming to rest at the top of my thigh. He pulled away, his breath ragged.

  “I mean it Jenna, I’ll never let you go.”

  “Promise?” I asked, fully understanding the meaning of his words.

  Again his lips sought mine, his mouth ravishing me. I held him closer, tighter, pressing my fingers into his flesh, following the lines of his sinewy muscles, wanting to explore every length and curve of his body.

  Under the starlight, the water lapped closer to us with each ebb and flow, I lost myself to desire. I wanted to revel in feeling his fingertips move deftly across my body, tingling and tickling, leaving a tingly trail along my skin as he moved.

  I loved him.

  Forever.

  Consumed with a need to touch his bare skin I pulled his shirt off with fervor before he pulled away.

  “No.” He shook his head, and I could tell it took a lot of willpower to restrain himself. “Not out here where anyone can see.”

  I laughed, breathing hard, “Don’t flatter yourself. Nothing more was going to happen.”

  He snickered, looking amused, “Because I took control of the situation.”

  I rolled my eyes, “Hardly.”

  “Admit it, I drive you crazy.” He whispered in my ear just before his lips dropped down to my neck again.

  “Okay fine! You drive me crazy. But you still owe me an explanation,” I smirked.

  I stared, ogling his perfectly chiseled upper body as he pulled his shirt back over his head. “In your backyard. It’s a lot easier knowing your parents could walk out at any minute.”

  Chapter 19

  Reece made himself comfortable on a lounge chair facing the waterway. I sat draped over his lap with my hands clasped behind his neck nuzzling against him. We joked around playfully on the walk back from the beach, like today had been just an ordinary day, but now Reece knew it was time to give me the answers I waited for.

  “I didn’t want a relationship when I started college. I was all about school and having a good time.” His body felt tense and stiff as he began to relay the events leading up to his relationship and eventual breakup with Rebecca.

  “I pegged you right as a party boy,” I tried to keep it light.

  “Commentary? Really?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

  “Absolutely.” I ran my fingers through his hair, enjoying th
e delight of touching him. “Go ahead.”

  “She had been in my math and psychology classes. I didn’t even notice her at first. Not until we came back from Thanksgiving break.”

  He paused and searched my eyes, probably wanted to make sure I wouldn’t go off in some sort of jealous rage.

  “That’s when she started showing up at my dorm room and at the dining hall. I wasn’t rude to her or anything, but I wasn’t interested either.”

  “Come on, you didn’t think she was pretty?”

  “Yeah, I did. But I also wondered why she would spend so much time trying to get my attention when I hadn’t shown her the least bit of interest.”

  “Right. Because you’re so shy and heaven forbid you flirt with a pretty girl.”

  He shook his head. “There was something about her, I just wasn’t interested. Until finals.” He swallowed hard. “She put together a study group for psych and invited me. When I got there, it was just Rebecca and me.”

  “She tricked you to get you alone.” Clever girl.

  I would put money down that math and psych went out the window. The only subject getting any attention that night was biology, to be more specific, anatomy.

  He nodded. “We started dating after winter break. My friends all liked her and thought I was jerk for the way I treated her. School always came first, then friends, then partying, and then Becca.”

  I hated how he said her name all cutesy.

  “Somewhere along the line you had to fall pretty hard.”

  “Sort of.” He shrugged. “She wanted to spend time together for spring break. But I didn’t make any time for her. Instead I went home and partied with some old friends. The guys were all looking to hook up, but I wasn’t. I realized I would’ve liked to have been out with Becca instead.”

  “Did you tell her that when you got back.”

  “I tried, but things changed, she pulled away and suddenly she wasn’t available anymore. We didn’t talk as much. The more distant she became the more I thought I cared.”