Love In In the Message

by RJ Scott

* * * * *

  "Heard you had to get your car towed TB."

  That was how it started on Monday; being called Toilet Boy by Eddie. Mitchell was taking a leak and for just a few minutes Luke was on his own by the lockers. Nothing that didn’t happen every day; just a few moments when he felt like a normal kid who didn’t need a freaking chaperone. Luke sighed. He'd only just got over the painful phase on his hip bruises from last Tuesday's taunting session. Drawing himself to his full height, which was a good three inches more than his built like a brick tormenter, Luke felt fight or flight take its grip. Luckily it was just Eddie without his associated Js and cautiously Luke glanced left and right to check out if they were hiding ready to join the intimidation.

  He didn’t know why Eddie did the whole taunting thing. There wasn’t any point when the punctuation was always physical. The guy should just move straight to the violence to save time.

  "Fuck off, Eddie," he said succinctly.

  "Piece of shit car anyway."

  "Says the boy who doesn’t have a car," Luke responded. His voice dripped with sarcasm.

  No way would he be the person here who just backed down quietly. It was half his trouble. The old principal, who had moved on to another school a few weeks before, had said Luke should learn to turn the other cheek. Anger sparked in Eddie's eyes and he punched a fist into the locker to the right of Luke's shoulder. That was new, Eddie normally kept his temper longer than a few seconds. Luke flinched and Eddie's anger turned to calm in an instant. He lived off of Luke's fear; it fed his moral high ground. Luke knew all this, hell, he could rationalise all of this if he tried. Eddie placed a hand flat on Luke's neck, the pressure of it hard and choking and the fingers digging into his throat in a tight grip, and then he leaned in.

  "Best you not be taking your sister out in that heap of shit, or your fag ass boyfriend, case next time your brakes are cut."

  Fear and anger coursed through Luke and he clenched his fist. When it contacted with Eddie's face with a satisfying crunch he had adrenaline flooding his system and he followed the punch with a push and a shove and another hit to Eddie's face. Eddie fell backwards on the opposite lockers with a curse and a shout of anger but he never regained enough balance to make it back to standing and instead slid down the lockers to the floor. Blood was pouring from his nose and down his face and his lip was split.

  "Jesus. Fuck." Mitchell was there. Then others. Teachers. Pulling him away from where he stood, helping Eddie to his feet and taking him away to medical.

  Luke had lost control and he had tears pressing the back of his eyes. Mitchell was gripping him and all Luke could do was look down at his knuckles which were raw and aching and specked with blood.

  "Holston. My office."

  Luke looked up from his hand and the principal stood there, a big bear of a man with graying hair, his dark eyes filled with anger. Without a word he turned and left and Luke and Mitchell trailed after him. Mitchell said nothing, just supported Luke by being there but he wasn’t allowed in the principal's office. Luke was ushered in and he took the seat opposite the desk. What was his mom going to say? What was Cam going to say? Shit, what was this going to look like on his transcripts for college, would he even have a place now? Would Eddie be able to sue Luke's mom? Misery cloaked him and he wasn’t even aware the principal was talking to him.

  "Luke," he said clearly, "are you listening to me?"

  Luke lifted his gaze, "Sorry, Sir," he said. Like a late sorry was going to wipe clean the last half an hour.

  "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

  Luke was shocked; Mr. Grayson seemed almost worried. Probably the whole suing situation he guessed. Cautiously Luke tried moving his fingers; they didn’t seem broken or anything, just sore.

  "I'm fine," he finally said. He was actually far from fine but there was no point in rehashing anything to the guy who sat in the chair with Luke's future in his hands.

  "What happened, Luke?"

  And there it was. The question. Luke considered what to say. He'd done it all in the past. Been honest. Lied. Laughed it all off. There wasn’t much point in rocking the boat now; he only had three months and he was out of this hell. Three short months. What had happened exactly? Nothing unusual. Nothing different from any other given time.

  "Mitchell went to the bathroom." That is where it had all started today. He stopped at that.

  "Mitchell went to the bathroom and…" Mr. Grayson encouraged. He leaned forward over his desk. "Go on."

  "Normal stuff, sir."

  "You have nothing else to add?"

  Luke shrugged. His head hurt and he still had images of Megan or Cam dead in his car. Images he couldn’t shake as much as he tried. He just wouldn’t use the car. He may as well sell it.

  Mr. Grayson sighed. "You know there are security cameras in every hallway?" Luke nodded. He knew they were there. Filming every single excruciating second of him losing it and beating up Eddie. "Let's start from the beginning. Why does Eddie Holmes call you TB?"

  Luke frowned. That was an odd question. A humiliating question. One he didn’t feel he could answer. What they had done to him, forcing his head in a toilet, knocking him around, wasn’t a memory he wanted to revisit.

  "Luke? Answer the question, please."

  "It-stands-for-toilet-boy," Luke said miserably. He couldn’t look Mr. Grayson in the face. There was a knock on the door and Mrs. Janes came in. She was the school counsellor and Luke had seen her quite a bit over the last few years. She meant well but she was ineffectual in corridors, or bathrooms. She touched Luke on the arm.

  "Are you okay, Luke?" she asked. Her tone was so soft; the one she used when Luke was at his lowest. The one guaranteed to make him cry like a freaking girl. Blinking he forced the emotion back into his throat. He was not going to cry.

  "I'm fine, Mrs. Janes." He was getting good at lying today.

  "The situation we have here, Mrs. Janes," the principal began. He tapped at notes on a notebook and then looked at Luke directly as he began to talk. "There was an altercation at the second floor lockers. Eddie Holmes and Luke Holston here came to blows and Eddie has been sent to the medical room for assessment. Appears he may have a broken nose, his parents are being called in to take him to hospital."

  The bottom fell out of Luke's world. He had done that. Violence inside of him had caused Eddie to need a hospital.

  "I will make sure I talk to medical," Mrs. Janes confirmed with a nod.

  "Luke has explained very little of what happened, something about his friend Mitchell being in the bathroom. However, the security in that corridor provides very clear pictures of what occurred. Something Mr Holston said caused Eddie to take a step forward and place his hand on Luke's throat. He then leaned in and said something. That is when Luke defended himself from being held in a choke hold."

  "I defended myself?" Luke was bewildered and couldn’t get his thoughts in order.

  "What did he say to you Luke? There is clearly something being said but the sound is not clear when he leans in."

  "He…" Luke stopped. Eddie hadn’t actually threatened to cut the breaks on his car but he’d implied it. Enough so it was a valid threat. How was it worded. He couldn’t remember. "My car was vandalised this weekend. He said next time I should worry about taking my sister or my… boyfriend… out, next time, in case the brakes were cut."

  Mr. Grayson sat back at his desk and then nodded to Mrs. Janes. "We need to get in Mr Holston's parents—"

  "My mom. It's just my mom, my dad left a long time ago." Luke waited for the look of derision on the principals' face, the expression that spoke of unfairly judging what was termed a broken family. Instead he simply inclined his head and continued.

  "Mother then. Also I think at this point we need to have this reported to the police and evidence collected. Luke, I would like you to go with Mrs. Janes, get your hand looked at."

  "Yes, sir." Luke stumbled to stand, realising that his legs were wobbly; probably some overflow of adrenal
ine. He should know—he was the one who was good at science.

  Walking out of the office was like leaving the twilight zone and being thrust into reality. Mitchell was sat waiting as was a clearly pissed Cam. Both stood up as soon as he came out.

  "What happened—"

  "What did he say—"

  Mrs. Janes held up a hand as both boys started to talk. "Let's get Luke to medical to get him seen too. We can talk there."

  Best friend one side, and boyfriend on the other, they followed Mrs. Janes out of the reception area and through the school. A few muttered words could be heard as the small group passed the kids out on break but for the most part it was evident that the gossip about what had happened hadn’t spread too far yet. That was one good thing then.

  * * * *

  His mom arrived not much later, he was still in the medical room behind a closed door not looking forward to the minute when he had to face Cam with what had happened. His boyfriend hadn’t said much and his mom even less. She just held him and she cried. Every tear was a knife inside him. When his dad left he had promised her he would be her strength—he'd only been eight but he knew then he would never want to do anything to hurt her.

  "I'm sorry, Mom," he said as he explained what had happened. As he spoke she began to cry again. "Please don’t cry."

  The principal came in with a grim look on his face and his mom immediately straightened and wiped away the tears. There she was, half a foot shorter than Luke and a spitfire of defence, all calm and calculated and poised to protect her son.

  The principal held her gaze for a bit and then coughed uncomfortably. "Probably a good idea if you go home today, Luke—"

  "My son has done nothing wrong," his mom said instantly.

  "He used violence on another member of the school—"

  "He was provoked."

  "Yes he was, and as such I expect him back in school bright and early tomorrow as normal. Steps are being taken to investigate fully what happened. The police are questioning the other party and I'm sure will be along in a moment to talk to your son." He gentled his strident tone and Luke could see the tension in his mom relax as he added that he thought this would be over soon.

  "Every child deserves to feel safe in school," his mom said firmly. "My son is frightened and intimidated every day—"

  "Mom," Luke defended himself. Way to make him sound like a scared kid.

  "Trust me when I say I have zero tolerance on bullying in this school," Mr. Grayson said firmly. "Your son is one of our brightest and best pupils. He works hard and he is respectful. I have had nothing but praise for him from every one of his teachers. I want him back tomorrow and I want to make this a safe place for him."

  "That’s a very fancy speech," his mom began. Luke groaned inwardly wishing she would leave it now. "You say all the right things but at the end of the day will you actually do what you say?"

  "I don’t know what else to say that is promise enough. You have my word." Mr. Grayson appeared utterly determined and his mom looked, well she was clearly slightly shocked at the simple promise. Then Mr. Grayson did something Luke had not seen him do before. He smiled hesitantly at Luke's mom. Then his mom smiled back. All kind of sappy and… hell no.

  "Let's go home," Luke snapped quickly.

  His mom turned in surprise at the tone and Luke could feel his cheeks heating. She didn’t argue, just opened the door and left with him following. Mitchell hugged him and promised to call after school; Cam hugged him and held him closer for a lot longer. Then he pulled back slightly and dropped a kiss on Luke's lips.

  "I'll be there as soon as school finishes. We can talk."

  Luke nodded and he even smiled, but inside he was dying. This was it. The moment that Cam realised that masturbation and kissing wasn’t enough to balance the crap that Luke brought with him.

  Fuck.

  * * * * *

  "Luke! Cam is here! Sending him up!" His mom's statement was the icing on the cake.

  Luke had spent the last ten minutes waiting for Cam to arrive. His idea was that he would be downstairs meeting him, well away from the intimacy of his bedroom. If this was the end of things he wanted to be talking in the kitchen or the front room. Not surrounded by his childhood and next to his bed. Trouble was he needed the bathroom and typically Cam arrived before Luke could get downstairs.

  "Hey," Cam said from the door. He stood uncertainly at the threshold like some kind of freaking vampire waiting to be asked in.

  "Hey," Luke returned steadily. He was at least standing and he was glad for it when Cam stepped into his room and then gathered him into a strong hug. Nearly embarrassing himself by squeaking at the pressure around his waist Luke managed to wriggle free and then took a step away. "Let’s not make this a long one," he said. "Say what you need to say and then let’s forget this happened."

  Cam looked confused. He was frowning and his hands were still out in front of him where he had been holding Luke. "What?" was clearly all he could manage.

  "I shouldn’t have hit Eddie. I know that."

  "Bullshit. He provoked you. He's been provoking you for years. I'm surprised you lasted this long."

  "Well, whatever. Now you know what I'm really like."

  "Really like?" Cam repeated. "What are you talking about?"

  "Inside. There's too much damage. I knew this would happen one day."

  "Luke?" Cam took a step closer.

  There was something in his expressive blue eyes. Pity? Luke didn’t want pity. He should have been stronger. Shit. Only three months to go. How could he lose it so close to the end of school?

  "I get that this is all too much. Your idea of us being this strong united couple is for shit when half of us is as fucked up as I am."

  "You're not fucked up—"

  "I had therapy—"

  "For a knife attack—"

  "And I've let them bully me for so long—"

  "You haven’t let them bully you, you had no one to help you—"

  "Cam—"

  "Luke—"

  "Stop." Luke held up a hand. His chest was tight and he knew he wasn’t handling this right. They needed to sit down and discuss this rationally. "Sit down," he gestured to the chair and Cam sat immediately. Luke sat on his bed and breathed past the tightness in his chest. "Eddie threatened you today. You and Megan. It was all implication, but he mentioned cutting the brake lines on my car."

  "What the fuck?"

  "I've not been doing so well." Luke stopped and then dropped his gaze. How did he explain this? Unexpectedly he felt Cam take his hand and realised Cam had shuffled the chair closer. "I could have killed him. I hate him."

  "Eddie?"

  "Today Eddie. Before Ryan Kitchener. You see, the real me is just below the surface and that me inside— hates so much. You don’t want that in your life, you can't want me. I get this. I understand."

  "Are you breaking up with me?" Cam finally said. His voice was low and soft and there was a hitch to it, like he was holding back tears.

  "No," Luke said. "I'm just not fighting your breaking up with me." That made so much more sense in his head than when the words left his mouth.

  Cam closed his eyes and shook his head. He sighed and Luke bit his lip waiting for what Cam was going to say next.

  "What made you hit Eddie?"

  "I snapped and it all rushed out of me."

  "You broke his nose."

  "I didn’t mean to. I just punched him twice and shoved him into the lockers."

  "Did you punch him when he fell down? Or kick him?" Cam asked.

  "No!" He wouldn’t do that. Cam didn’t know him very well if he'd thought he would do that.

  "I can see your brain working," Cam offered simply. "You are thinking that there was no way you could kick a man on the floor and that you had that outburst of temper but you reined it in. That makes you the better man, Luke. I love you for that."

  "I hit him," Luke said miserably. He dropped his gaze again. "I could lose my place in
college; there could be problems for my mom."

  "You're allowed to let some of this out, you know?" Cam tapped him on the chest with his free hand. "I'm not great at knowing how to say this, but greater people than you have killed for less."

  "I wanted to," Luke blurted out. "I wanted to kill him when he threatened Megan and you."

  "Do you really think I'm sitting here listening to this and not thinking the same thing? He hurt you. Physically, mentally, he's been stripping you away layer by layer. Him and anyone else that hurt you. I want to hurt him. I want to wrap my hands around his throat and squeeze until …" Cam's voice trailed off.

  Luke couldn’t help but look up at his boyfriend. Blue eyes were bright with emotion and Luke squeezed Cam's hand.

  "He did that you know," Luke said. He lifted his free hand to his neck where he knew would be a ring of bruises tomorrow. In all of this he had forgotten what Eddie had done to him. "He put his hand here and pressed hard and I felt like I was choking, and then I punched him."

  Cam traced the same path as Luke's fingers. "Self-defence," he said gently.

  "What about the rest? What about the letter and all the stuff I have inside me that I want to say to Ryan. What about the fact that I'm so shit scared to be open with people about us. You must hate me."

  "Every single time you have been open, at the camp, at school, people have hurt you. I was wrong, Luke, to expect you to embrace us so openly. I know that now. I won't push you. But behind closed doors, when it's just us, you have to know that I love you."

  "I know you say you do. Despite all the stuff inside me—"

  "All that inside you is what makes Luke Holston the guy I love. Whatever you need to deal with we can deal with it together. You acted in self-defence but if Eddie sues you, then my dad is a lawyer and Mitchell's dad is a lawyer." He shrugged. "If you don’t get to go to college, then hell, you and me, we'll take a year out and travel. Anything is possible. Okay?"

  "What if all that anger comes out again?"

  "You mean like the Hulk?" Cam made a face and using a deep voice growled his next words. "Don’t make me angry."