by Hazel Parker
Right.
Darla vehemently agreed too, and Beth…well, there was no question about Beth, who had already nodded her head earlier. Satisfied, Janice left them and hitched a ride with one of the nurses who was headed in the direction of a certain someone’s house.
She had some visiting to do.
Dorotha was still around when Janice got to the house, so she greeted the woman and chatted for a bit while she waited for the house owner to finish his shower. There was extra food on the table for breakfast and Dorotha invited her to sit down and start eating while she headed off to her kids.
“You are such a badass woman,” Janice complimented.
The housekeeper blushed and thanked her warmly before finally going. Janice looked at the food laid out on the table—scrambled eggs, crispy bacon, newly baked bread, and what looked to be creamy corn soup—and couldn’t help the way her mouth watered. Not thinking twice, she quickly got herself some utensils and plate and dug in.
A few minutes later, Sebastian came out of his bedroom, looking fresh in his usual outfit of dark jeans and a plain shirt. He raised his brow when he spotted her, then nodded when she indicated for him to sit down and eat with her.
“You are so lucky Dorotha works for you,” Janice said. “Can I have her for a few days?”
“You can just come here and barge in like you always do,” he said easily. “The food is free.”
Janice made a face, but let him be as he started to eat. They ate in silence for a few minutes, relishing the meal before Janice finally sat back and rubbed her flat stomach.
“God. That was amazing,” she said with a sigh. “Better than sex.”
Sebastian shot her a look. “Don’t knock it until you try it.”
Oh, she did try it. She just didn’t think it was as mind-blowing as most people said it was. The last boyfriend she had, a guy from out of town, always wanted to do it in the same position and always finished first. It left her dissatisfied. Not exactly her idea of a good time.
But this wasn’t about her.
Looking Sebastian right in the eye, Janice leaned forward and waited for him to meet her gaze. When he finally did, she emphasized every single word with care.
“You are an idiot.”
Her cousin blinked, fork poised in mid-air and staring at her in confusion. She refused to clarify, knowing he knew her enough to get it eventually. Their staring contest lasted for less than a minute before comprehension dawned in his gaze. Then, reluctance. Then he shut off any expression as he continued eating, not saying a word.
“Do you even know she’s in the hospital?” Janice asked, putting a whole slice of bacon in her mouth.
Sebastian’s mouth firmed. “Yes, of course I know. And she doesn’t want me visiting her right now.”
A flash of concern glinted in his eyes before he hid it. But she didn’t miss it. Janice raised a brow. “And who said she doesn’t want you visiting?”
“She texted. Three times. I wasn’t to step foot there.”
“And you believe what a woman says versus what she actually wants?”
“Lily’s always been honest with me.”
The name hung in the air. Janice gave him a pointed look. “Not all the time.”
“What are you talking about?”
She shrugged. “Ask her. I’m just here to tell you you’re an idiot.”
Janice finished her food, then took the plate to the sink before loading it in the dishwasher. She turned to look at Sebastian, who was looking down at his plate and not moving at all. A flash of sympathy went through her, especially when she realized one thing during their entire conversation.
Here she was thinking it was just lust between them. How wrong she was. Obviously, Sebastian hadn’t realized it yet as well.
He was in for the surprise of his life.
“See you around, Seb,” she said.
Then she left the house and left him to his thoughts.
Janice made a run for the sheriff’s station to get some paperwork that she could take with her to the hospital to read and bumped into Sullivan on the way out. He offered her a ride and she gladly took it and the first five minutes on the road were filled with silence.
Then she finally let herself say the words that were boiling inside her head since she had been in Sebastian’s house.
“Men are so…so ugh. Bastards,” she said through gritted teeth.
She felt him stare at her from his driver’s seat but she maintained her gaze to the front glass.
“What do you mean?”
Janice shrugged. “It’s either you’re super nice and boring in bed or you’re hot in bed but a complete asshole.”
Sullivan made a choking noise, so she shot him a glare. “I’m not wrong, Sullivan.”
“I don’t think that’s how it works,” he began, but she cut him off.
“And don’t even get me started on how you guys never show your feelings. Such pretenders. It’s like you want to have this macho image so that we can look up to you, when in fact, we want to know how you really feel.”
“That doesn’t make much sense.”
Maybe, but she was on a roll. “And what about self-control? You know it’s wrong, and you do it anyway.”
“I never did—”
“I wasn’t talking about you,” she interrupted. She instantly regretted her harsh words and shot him another look, this time of apology. “Sorry. I’m mad and I’m taking it out on you. You show your feelings and you’re all about self-control, so this isn’t about you.”
“…Okay.”
They arrived outside the hospital and both got out of the car. Sullivan politely walked her in and suddenly she was frustrated all over again.
“And because dishonesty just leads to complications, I want to be honest with you. Can you take honesty, Sullivan?”
Sullivan, tall and lean and absolutely one of the sheriff’s best rookies, stared at her as if she was crazy. “Of course.”
“Then let me be honest with you. You’re too nice.”
He blinked.
“That’s the reason I don’t want to go out with you,” she explained.
“Because I’m…too nice,” he repeated.
She nodded her head fervently. “Honestly. You’re like a puppy following me around—adorable and nice. Harmless.”
“So you want me to be…harmful?”
“No,” she snapped. “What I mean is…” Out of words, she leaned on a wall and looked down in shame. God. She was now yelling at the nicest guy in town. “I like you, but you’re just not the type of person I can see myself getting tingly kisses from. I want to be swept off my feet and to have hot, sweaty sex with someone—super duper hot sex that will leave me panting for more—and I just don’t think you have the ingredients for—”
Her words were interrupted when hands went to her waist and brought her closer. Janice squeaked—but that was the only reaction she managed to make because her mouth was suddenly met in a kiss with his mouth.
A hard, passionate kiss.
She could taste him—a blend of faint aftershave and something tangy that left her breathless, as his warmth seeped into her. Sullivan pressed her against the wall—gently—and his tongue came out to tease hers open before exploring every inch of her.
Not so gently.
Not so gently and it was making her toes curl.
And her body heat up.
And her brain freeze.
Belatedly, she could feel his hardness pressing up against her stomach, and considering their height difference, could already envision how it would fit inside her—he would have to carry her and press her up, then slide inside her while her legs were wrapped around him.
Shock filled her at the images and how sexy they looked in her mind.
Sullivan’s hands touched her skin below the shirt, a slow caress. Then before she could even come up with a response using her own hands, he was pulling away and leaving her staring after him.
Numb.
Breathless.
Shocked.
“I’m good at hot, sweaty sex,” he said.
She stared at him, speechless.
“Damn good,” he clarified. Then he placed his mouth near her ear and whispered huskily, “But I’d rather seduce you first. Make you scream in pleasure. Then we can do every little sexual fantasy in your book. I’ll be as dirty as you want me to be Janice.”
Janice couldn’t believe it. She found herself melting at each and every word.
Satisfied, Sullivan gave her a nod, then a quick last, lingering kiss on the lips. “See you tonight. I’ll pick you up.”
“Up?”
“For dinner. My treat.”
Then he left, just like that.
Five seconds passed. Ten seconds. A minute. An eternity.
For the first time in a long time, the aroused Janice had no comeback.
Of course, Janice was right about one thing—that of Sebastian being an idiot in more ways than one. Leaving Lily in the hospital while she was bruised up probably had to be the lowest moment of his life and he vowed to change that.
What Janice didn’t know was that he did visit Lily, when everyone was at home and it was almost midnight. But he only stayed until before five in the morning not wanting to disturb Lily from her sleep or risk anyone seeing him there.
He had been planning to visit her again for days, but just didn’t have the actual courage to step out of his comfort zone to do so.
Plus, she had texted him and told him not to come because she didn’t want people to have the wrong idea. And he had agreed. It was a cowardly move.
There were rumors she was running away from someone and had gotten distracted, perhaps her ex—but he knew that wasn’t true. Guilt had been racking him for days and it was all he could do to stay away. He went to church. He often went to church even when he wasn’t in session, simply to pray.
After Janice had visited him at home and delivered her feelings on the matter he had gone to church and simply sat in the front pew, reflecting over everything. He looked up at the altar, waited for a sign. Any sign to tell him what to do. After Tanya died he had vowed to dedicate his life to looking after other’s needs, not his own. He didn’t deserve to love and be loved and he was doing fine until Lily showed up. He’d lost control. He couldn’t help himself, he fell so deeply in love that he couldn’t think straight. He tried to resist but he couldn’t and look what happened. He almost lost the woman he loved more than anything.
Lily, with her kind soul. She was like a breath of fresh air, a woman who had given him more than his desire. She had made him happy, happier than he had ever been, but he didn’t deserve it. He made a vow to serve and to dedicate his life to the church. He wasn’t a priest, he didn’t have to stay alone but after the accident he made a vow to stay alone for the rest of his life. He couldn’t be with Lily. With anyone, for that matter.
Because being with her would mean turning his back on the life he felt he was supposed to lead.
Sebastian closed his eyes, the questions swirling in his mind.
How does one let go of the vow to serve?
How does one let go of the love of a good woman?
There was no easy answer to both questions.
A few minutes later, he heard footsteps and found John in the same space as him, headed his way. Sebastian nodded his head when he came near and John took it as an indication to sit down. From the corner of his eye, Sebastian observed him as he quietly stared at the altar himself.
There was worry in his eyes, visible underneath the calm façade. Sebastian knew he hadn’t slept in days, but that wasn’t exactly saying something. Sebastian knew he himself had dark circles under his eyes from his tossing and turning in bed.
“How is she?” Sebastian asked, keeping his voice casual. Unattached.
There was a long silence before John finally sighed. “She is doing a lot better.”
But his face said otherwise. “But?” Sebastian prompted.
John turned to him, worry in his eyes before returning his gaze to the altar. “She’s better physically, but not at heart.” There was hesitation before he finally continued. “Ever since the doctor told her the news, she hasn’t stopped crying.”
A cold chill began to run up Sebastian’s spine. “What news?”
“The baby. She lost the baby.”
And it was like his whole world turned. In the span of a second, Sebastian felt a roller coaster of emotions so intense he thought he would die. His mind went blank and he felt his chest hurt as he lost his breath.
John was still talking, but he was no longer listening. The numbness that had enveloped him earlier was immediately replaced with coldness as he recalled the way she had placed her hand on her stomach when she had asked her question about beginning an actual relationship. At the time he had thought it odd but didn’t pay that much attention. He should have. He damn well should have.
When John finally left, Sebastian took time to reflect again. Then he went and found William to cover his session for some important time off.
He had a hospital to visit.
Lily, of course, was shocked to see him when he entered while she was watching television. She quickly hid the shock and forced a slight smile on her face, but not before he saw the dismay there.
There was silence as he sat on the seat beside her, looking her over.
She had some bruises on her neck and chin but they were healing and starting to fade into a faint purple mark. Her lower lip was swollen and it was obvious that there was weariness surrounding her despite all her rest.
Sebastian took her hand. She snatched it away as if burned, then fisted it on her sheets as she adopted a bright expression.
“Why are you here, Seb?”
“To check on you,” he responded. Stubbornly, he took her hand again and gave it a squeeze, the connection sending a spark between them. She ignored it. “I’m sorry about the baby.”
Her hand jumped under his, but he firmly kept his hand there.
“Look,” she began, looking him in the eye. Her light-gray eyes were clear, and he found himself missing their color more than anything. “I’m pretty sure the pregnancy rumors are already circulating, despite my friends’ and uncle’s best at trying to keep it under wraps. If they found you had any involvement in it…”
“I don’t care what people think, Lily.”
She tugged her hand off, and this time, she was successful. “Don’t you, really? You’ll be treated like a pariah. I know how this works. It will ruin you. You will lose your job and you could lose your status and be kicked out of the church … Pastor Seb!”
The impersonal name coming out of her mouth had him staring at her in surprise. But she had shut down.
“I don’t think this is going to work,” she said softly. “I’ve been planning to leave, anyway. This was just a short respite for me…this place. And it worked.” Blue eyes pinned him in place as she said her final words. “It’s time for me to move on.”
So it wasn’t about him. It was about her and her need to leave all along.
There was nothing he could do at this point, even when every part of him was screaming at him to reach out to her once more. But pride got in the way. So did obligations. So Sebastian did what he thought was right and what she wanted to hear.
He gave his final goodbye to Lily and promised her he would never bother her again.
Sebastian did his best to continue with his duties without letting thoughts of her bother him, but it was absolutely impossible. She filled his mind day and night; haunted his sleep and he became very grumpy. William was the first to notice and the guy tried to reach out in the best way he could—by inviting Sebastian out to dinner so he could gently probe.
Of course, he got nothing. Sebastian refused to tell anyone at this point and he closed himself off and wouldn’t let anyone in. He still tried his best in charming the townspeople and imparting his word of wisdom but most of the enthusiasm
was gone as he questioned his own self over and over.
Doubt filled his mind. Only thoughts of her remained and her words.
He wasn’t a hypocrite, of course. Sebastian didn’t deny that he craved to be inside her again, to be able to hear her moans of pleasure again as he brought her to climax. He wanted to touch every inch of her and follow it with a taste and he wanted those hands to be all over him. He often dreamed about it and when he woke up, it left him with the biggest hard-on that he had difficulty trying to get rid of. A quick shower sometimes did the trick but then thoughts of her would return, and he would just be aroused all over again.
But that wasn’t all.
He also craved her presence. Just her presence. Lily wasn’t perfect as he had believed when he first met her. She was often naïve and sometimes too shy for her own good. She was a dreamer, often getting lost in her own thoughts and forgetting to do something about her career, which absolutely needed a boost. She didn’t believe in herself enough to go after what she wanted. She gave up too easily.
But she was also a fighter, for others. She stuck up for people and tried her best to make everyone feel good And she was passionate—passionate about everything she held dear, and about the things that got her excited. She was passionate about her goal to move on, passionate about her devotion to her good uncle. Passionate about him.
An ache started in Sebastian’s chest as he thought of her laugh, her glare. Her eyes staring at him, seeing too much when she had told him she was ready to move on. It wasn’t about her. It was never about her.
And just like that, realization hit him like a ton of bricks. She did this for him!
In church. In the middle of a sermon John was conducting.
It took all of Sebastian’s control not to flee right then and there and go after her…five days after she left town. It took all of his effort not to punch his hand through a wall as he realized just exactly how stupid he had been. Not just stupid on Janice’s level.
He was beyond that.
