by Paula Roe
It was...a relief. And also frustrating.
And then he was gone again and she kept right on obsessing.
The day soon arrived when Zac’s apartment was to be sold and Matt insisted she move back into his place. With no other choice available, she reluctantly agreed.
Just as she was about to walk out the door, Emily called to remind her the time for the open house tomorrow night had changed. AJ’s hand was tight on the phone as she sat on a lounge chair arm and listened to her sister’s usual enthusiasm with ever increasing gloom.
“So,” Emily finally said. “What have you been up to? How’s it going with that guy you mentioned?”
To AJ’s horror she burst into tears. Then, when she stopped blubbering and attempted to gather at least some dignity, she ended up blurting everything out, from the surgery, to her fertility clinic issues, to Matt’s involvement, to the wait for the results that were due later that day.
They both cried. After Emily alternately apologized for not knowing and scolded her for keeping secrets, she finally said, “Well, of course, you’ll have to bring Matt to the showing.”
AJ stared out the window at the bright afternoon sun piercing the white clouds, then at the Sydney skyline. “There’s no ‘of course’ about it.”
“Oh, my God, AJ, you have got to be kidding! The man is going to be the father of your child and we haven’t even met him. He is a part of your life, regardless of this whole deal thing...which I think is ridiculous, by the way. You will damn well bring him, okay?”
AJ sighed. “He’s in Tasmania right now, Em. But fine, I’ll ask.” She glanced at the clock. “I have to be downstairs. Talk later?”
“Sure. You call him now, okay?”
“Em...”
“Call him. I’m going to hang up then call you back. If your phone is not engaged, I’m going to be so pissed off.”
AJ sighed. “Fine.”
She clicked off, then dialed Matt’s number.
The ease with which he said yes stunned her. “Shouldn’t you check your schedule and get back to me?” she said, jamming the phone under her ear as she stared out onto the street, watching the slow-moving midafternoon traffic.
“I’m back tomorrow, AJ. What time?”
“Seven.”
“Good. I can come straight from the airport.”
So it was done. She placed the phone into her back pocket as a thousand different emotions rushed in to swamp her. Thanks to his work and her avoidance techniques, she hadn’t seen him in... She calculated. A week. A whole entire week of not seeing those dark eyes, the softly curling hair she always itched to touch. His lean, capable body perfectly clad in a sharp suit. His smile and the way his eyes creased and that dimple emerged.
She swallowed and collapsed into the foyer sofa. God, her body ached.
It wasn’t fair. None of it. She’d gotten over Matthew Cooper once before, but it seemed her luck had run out. No way would she escape the second time.
With a sigh she focused on getting her things back to Matt’s apartment, determinedly shoving the inevitable clinic phone call to the bottom of her mental to do list. Matt had wanted to be there when she called but work had dictated otherwise. Instead, she’d promised to wait until he returned that night.
She couldn’t wait that long.
* * *
Half an hour later, she stood in Matt’s apartment, on the phone with Dr. Adams.
When she finally hung up, she collapsed into the sofa, overwhelming loss choking off her breath, crushing her tiny sliver of hope.
She wasn’t pregnant.
Dr. Adams had assured her they would try again and had made an appointment for next week.
She cast her eyes over her meager belongings in the middle of the room. A case, a shoulder bag, a folder full of sketches and a box of perishables—an echo of her former life, aeons ago, when she’d picked up and moved on a whim. A life wandering, searching. She’d done so much yet so little, avoiding commitment, connection, heartache. Yet she’d come full circle and returned to the one man who’d managed to make her feel, make her care. The only man who’d gotten under her skin.
She tipped her head down, tears prickling behind her eyes as her heart swelled with a deep, aching hunger.
Oh, God. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t.
She wasn’t that strong, no matter how much Emily said she was. She desperately wanted a baby, more than anything she’d ever wanted before, but she couldn’t break her own heart to get it. And if it was Matt’s baby, she’d always be wanting something more, something she could never have.
Making a baby was all they’d agreed to and he’d never indicated it could be anything more. He wasn’t hers, however much she wanted him.
She just couldn’t do it anymore.
* * *
Matt arrived at Zac’s apartment at six-thirty with a giddy sense of anticipation.
A week. Seven whole days. Sure, he’d been occupied with his crazy schedule, new clients and staff drama, but AJ was always in the back of his mind and surged to the front whenever there was downtime. Like on a long flight with only his thoughts for company. Or alone at night, when sleep refused to come.
In all the time he’d been away, she’d only called once. It was obvious she was avoiding him and he knew exactly why. For all her bravado, all her tough outer shell, she was scared.
Yeah, he was, too. After his divorce, work was what he knew how to do and do well. Okay, so more than well. He knew how to give life back to those on death’s door. Better, he gave hope, faith. Belief.
Yet he still didn’t know how to break down the last of AJ’s walls.
When he walked into the apartment and spotted her standing alone and to one side in the living room, Matt drank her in—heels, short black shirt, sheer bright blue top that draped off one shoulder—and fleetingly wondered what she’d do if he tossed her over his shoulder and just left.
Then she glanced up and a brief flash of something passed over her features before her mouth stretched into a smile. “Hi,” she mouthed.
When she smiled like that...
He demolished the distance in seconds. “Hi yourself.” Even though he’d decided not to push, he couldn’t help leaning in to place a kiss on her mouth. He’d missed her too much.
Her surprised gasp warmed his lips. He smiled and pulled back. “Miss me?”
She blinked. “No.”
He grinned. “Sure.”
And suddenly, he was very much looking forward to tonight.
* * *
He looked good. Way too good. AJ didn’t want to stare but she couldn’t help herself, cataloging each feature: rough stubble dusting his chin, lean body in an impeccable black suit, skinny black tie and a sky-blue shirt.
Her heart began to beat a little faster when he smiled, hands jammed in his trouser pockets. He was...a rogue. That was it, a rogue with his rumpled sexy charm. He undid her a thousand different ways and she’d fallen all over again.
The conflict she’d been steadily building up all afternoon suddenly became unbearable. Why hadn’t she waited to call the clinic like she’d promised? She hated this, hated being the sole bearer of important news. It was exhausting. And because it was Matt, it made it a thousand times worse. Now she had to work out what she was going to say, pick the right time, then deal with his disappointment.
God, could this day get any worse?
He must have sensed something from her expression because his brows suddenly took a dive.
“AJ?”
The sound of someone clearing her throat had them both turning. Emily stood behind AJ, looking awkward. “Sorry, AJ, can I have a word?”
She opened her mouth to refuse, but something made her pause. Emily looked...weird. That was the only word for
it. With a small frown, AJ nodded. “Sure.”
Emily gave Matt a smile and said, “Hi, you must be Matt. Drinks are in the kitchen. We won’t be long.” Then she motioned for AJ to follow.
“What’s up?” AJ asked when Emily led her into the bedroom and gently closed the door.
Emily took a breath, shoved a lock of curly brown hair behind her ear and threaded her fingers. “This is going to shock you....”
“What?” AJ wasn’t sure she could take any more bad news today.
“I got a call from our parents today.”
“What?”
Emily winced. “They want to meet us.”
“Like hell!” AJ yelled. “After all these bloody years—”
“Shh,” Emily hissed, her gaze darting to the door.
“After all these years,” AJ continued in a furious whisper. “After nothing. Not a single call, email, letter, whatever, and they make contact now? What, did they see your photo in the paper and think you’re a convenient ATM now that you’re married to a billionaire?”
At Emily’s twisted expression, AJ knew the thought had occurred to her, too. She shook her head as fury bubbled its way to the surface. “Tell them they can go take a running jump. No—” she swallowed a thick breath “—I’ll tell them myself.”
“AJ,” Emily said softly, grasping her hand. “I told them the decision was up to you. And if you want to do it, then I’ll go with you.”
A wave of fierce protectiveness swept over her. She’d rather walk on hot coals than see those two people again, but damned if she’d let them invade Emily’s life. “Fine,” she choked out and grabbed the door. “I need a drink. You call them, then let me know when and where.”
With that, she swung the door wide and blindly stalked down the hall. This could not be happening! Just like that, the tainted memories surged, ripping into those solid walls she’d built around her past.
She stormed into the kitchen, startling Matt.
He turned, glass of wine in his hand, but with one look at her expression his smile disappeared. “What’s wrong?”
Oh, God, where to start? Her eyes went to the ceiling. “Nothing.”
“AJ, look at me.” She reluctantly met his eyes, then just as quickly looked away. “Tell me what the problem is.”
She couldn’t. She just...couldn’t. She could share her body with him, maybe even admit her feelings, but her past? Those awful, shameful years she’d tried her best to forget, burying them under a lifetime of parties, partners and spur-of-the-moment decisions?
No.
Instead, she fell back on the one thing that had been front and center up until ten minutes ago.
“I called the clinic today. The pregnancy didn’t take.”
A mixture of emotions passed over his face—shock, disappointment, sadness. Everything she’d experienced and more. It didn’t make it any easier knowing he was affected by this, too.
“You didn’t have to be alone for that.”
Nausea welled in the face of his concern, the deep thread of guilt overshadowing everything.
She glanced over his shoulder, at the slowly growing gathering, and felt claustrophobia claw at her chest. “I need some air. I should—”
“AJ.” She gasped when he grabbed her arms. “That’s not all, is it?” His gentle tone, instead of soothing, only served to restoke her anger.
She twisted out of his grip. “It’s nothing.”
“Then why are you so angry?”
She glared. “That is none of your business, all right?”
He pulled back as if she’d slapped him, his eyes going wide before they suddenly narrowed. “Right. Because I’m only good for one thing.”
“I didn’t... You’re—”
“Oh, no, I get it. Everything’s off-limits except what you want and the occasional times we end up in bed,” he ground out, his hands going into his pockets with a disgusted snort. “Frankly, I’m getting a little sick of it, AJ.”
She stilled. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I’m sick of the restrictions. That I’m only allowed to have a part of you. That I’m not supposed to ask questions or bring up the past or even bloody well care about you! That’s what I’m saying.”
She blinked. “You care about me?”
“And that comes as a surprise? AJ, you have no clue, do you?”
“Why? Why would you care, Matt? You don’t know me—”
“I know you better than you think.”
“Oh, you do? You know nothing.” She choked down a sob. “You don’t know about my life, about my crappy parents, their drunken binges, their—”
“Can you stop that? You’re not a sum of your childhood.” He sighed. “AJ. Look, I know the news about the pregnancy is disappointing. But we can try again.”
Her heart broke, and she felt the force of it reverberate through every bone. She couldn’t do this, not on top of everything else. “I need you to go.”
“Why?”
Because I am totally in love with you and you’re killing me. “Just go. Please.”
His eyes held hers, furious and confused, until she was sure she’d burst into tears any second.
“Fine,” He finally sighed. “I’ll talk to you at home.”
She shook her head. “No, I’m going to get a hotel room.”
She’d stunned him and for a second he absorbed the blow, his eyes creasing in confusion. He looked as if he was about to say something but broke off with a disgusted snort.
Then he spun on his heel and stalked out the front door.
Sixteen
It was three on Sunday afternoon and AJ sat with Emily at City Extra in the Quay, both silently watching the bustle of Sydneysiders and tourists passing by on their way to ferries or the Museum of Contemporary Art or simply strolling around and enjoying the sun.
AJ’s gut pitched, matching the churning waves in the pier opposite the restaurant. Apprehension, fear and anger all played a part in her emotional turmoil, yet her focus was on her argument with Matt, not on the impending family reunion.
Damn, it was just like before. No—way, way worse. Because now she knew him better and despite every wall she’d built, every warning, she’d gone and fallen in love and now her heart was breaking.
No, that wasn’t right. How could her heart break when it was never whole to start with? She was damaged, scarred. She’d done far too much and seen far too many things to be anything other than a product of her broken childhood.
“AJ?”
She turned her attention from her untouched coffee to look up into Emily’s concerned blue eyes.
“Are you sure about this?” Her sister reached for her hand. “After everything that’s happened, you don’t have to do this now. I can just—”
“Oh no.” Her fingers wound around Emily’s and she winced. “Sorry. But there’s no way I’d leave you to do this on your own.”
“You had a negative result,” Emily pointedly reminded her. “Your body needs to rest.”
AJ lifted one eyebrow. “Do you honestly think lying in bed is going to work for me?”
Emily was silent for a second before she shook her head. “We need to do this, don’t we?”
“Yeah. But I wish—”
Emily’s gaze slid past her shoulder. Her eyes widened, and her face went pale. A sudden roar of blood pounded in AJ’s ears as a female voice cut through the chatter of the Sunday crowds.
“Emily! Baby! It’s you!”
AJ jumped to her feet and whirled around so fast her chair flew back.
It was their mother, no doubt about it. She was painfully skinny, poured into a pair of white jeans and a leopard-print tank top. Her outfit only emphasized her thin arms and nonexistent waist. B
ut what was more noticeable, past the frizzy red hair, huge gaudy diamante sunglasses and a dozen gold rings and bangles that jangled alarmingly, were the deep grooves bracketing her thin, pink-painted mouth.
“And Angelina Jayne!” Charlene Reynolds declared loudly, raising her sunglasses to her hair and placing her hands on those bony hips. “Girls, you both look absolutely gorgeous!” Her eyes briefly skimmed over AJ before snapping back to Emily, and when that sharp, assessing gaze lingered a little too long on Emily’s curvy hips with a brief frown, AJ felt the anger simmer in earnest.
Then she glanced past their gaudily clad birth mother and her gut pitched alarmingly. “Keith?”
“Hi there, Red.”
AJ’s eyes met Emily’s, reflecting her surprise. “You two are still together?”
“Amazing, right?” Her stepfather looked downright respectable in his chinos, checkered shirt and loafers but she knew he was anything but. He’d always reminded AJ of a stereotypical car salesman, a guy whose eyes never met yours, whose oily grin grated on people’s nerves, whose fast talk and cheap ways made him more enemies than friends. No wonder they’d had to move so often.
When his arm snaked around Charlene’s waist and he planted a kiss smack bang on her mouth, AJ wanted to gag. “Me and Charl, we’re just meant to be.”
AJ looked back at Emily, who’d been silent and pale for too long. Now she coughed and indicated the table. “Will you sit?”
Charlene nodded her approval and took the seat on AJ’s left—which left Keith directly to her right.
“So, girls,” she began with a wide smile, arms crossed on the table. “It’s wonderful to see you two again after all these years.”
“How...?” AJ cleared her throat, then started again. “How did you find us?”
She ignored Emily’s frown and instead focused on the woman who had made her life hell for the first twelve years of her life.
The years had not been kind to her mother, with the creases continuing around the older woman’s eyes and forehead—not lines born from laughter, sun and joy, but ones AJ knew were the product of drugs, alcohol and awful life choices. Her blue eyes looked tired, yet her assessment of AJ was shrewd and she knew Charlene was forming an unflattering opinion behind that silent scrutiny.
