The Diary of a Provincial Lady

by E M Delafield

  The door is flung open by Howard Fitzs., and Lady B. enters, wearing brand-new green Kasha with squirrel collar, and hat to match, and accompanied by military-looking friend.

  Have no wish to record subsequent few minutes, in which I endeavour to combine graceful greetings to Lady B. and the military friend, with simple and yet dignified explanation of singular state of affairs presented to them, and unobtrusive directions to Robin to switch off musical-box and gramophone and betake himself and his pink-eye upstairs. Clock has mercifully ceased to chime, and Robin struggles gallantly with musical-box, but ‘Mucking About the Garden’ continues to ring brazenly through the room for what seems about an hour and a half … (Should not have minded quite so much if it had been ‘Classical Memories’, which I also possess, or even a Layton and Johnstone duet.)

  Robin goes upstairs, but not until after Lady B. has closely scrutinised him, and observed that He looks like Measles, to her. Military friend tactfully pretends absorption in the nearest bookcase until this is over, when he emerges with breezy observation concerning Bulldog Drummond.

  Lady B. at once informs him that he must not say that kind of thing to me, as I am so Very Literary. After this, the military friend looks at me with unconcealed horror, and does not attempt to speak to me again.

  On the whole, am much relieved when the call is over.

  Go upstairs and see Vicky, who seems worse, and telephone for the doctor. Mademoiselle begins lugubrious story, which is evidently destined to end disastrously, about a family in her native town mysteriously afflicted by Smallpox – (of which all the preliminary symptoms were identical with those of Vicky’s present disorder) – afterwards traced to unconsidered purchase by le papa of Eastern rugs; sold by itinerant vendor on the quay at Marseilles. Cut her short after the death of the six-months-old baby, as I perceive that all the other five children are going to follow suit, as slowly and agonisingly as possible.

  April 20th. – Vicky develops unmistakable measles, and doctor says that Robin may follow suit any day. Infection must have been picked up at Aunt Gertrude’s, and shall write and tell her so.

  Extraordinary and nightmare-like state of affairs sets in, and alternate between making lemonade for Vicky and telling her the story of Frederick and the Picnic upstairs, and bathing Robin’s pink-eye with boracic lotion and reading The Coral Island to him downstairs.

  Mademoiselle is dévouée in the extreme, and utterly refuses to let anyone but herself sleep in Vicky’s room, but find it difficult to understand exactly on what principle it is that she persists in wearing a peignoir and pantoufles day and night alike. She is also unwearied in recommending very strange tisanes, which she proposes to brew herself from herbs – fortunately unobtainable – in the garden.

  Robert, in this crisis, is less helpful than I could wish, and takes up characteristically masculine attitude that We are All Making a Great Fuss about Very Little, and the whole thing has been got up for the express purpose of putting him to inconvenience – (which, however, it does not do, as he stays out all day, and insists on having dinner exactly the same as usual every evening).

  Vicky incredibly and alarmingly good, Robin almost equally so in patches, but renders himself unpopular with Fitzs. by leaving smears of Plasticine, pools of paint-water, and even blots of ink on much of the furniture. Find it very difficult to combine daily close inspection of him, with a view to discovering the beginning of measles, with light-hearted optimism that I feel to be right and rational attitude of mind.

  Weather very cold and rainy, and none of the fires will burn up. Cannot say why this is, but it adds considerably to condition of gloom and exhaustion which I feel to be gaining upon me hourly.

  April 25th. – Vicky recovering slowly, Robin showing no signs of measles. Am myself victim of curious and unpleasant form of chill, no doubt due to over-fatigue.

  Howard Fitzsimmons gives notice, to the relief of everyone, and I obtain service of superior temporary house-parlourmaid at cost of enormous weekly sum.

  April 27th. – Persistence of chill compels me to retire to bed for half a day, and Robert suggests gloomily that I have caught the measles. I demonstrate that this is impossible, and after lunch get up and play cricket with Robin on the lawn. After tea, keep Vicky company. She insists upon playing at the Labours of Hercules, and we give energetic representations of slaughtering the Hydra, cleaning out the Augean Stables, and so on. Am divided between gratification at Vicky’s classical turn of mind and strong disinclination for so much exertion.

  May 7th. – Resume Diary after long and deplorable interlude, vanquished chill having suddenly reappeared with immense force and fury, and revealed itself as measles. Robin, on same day, begins to cough, and expensive hospital nurse materialises and takes complete charge. She proves kind and efficient, and brings me messages from the children, and realistic drawing from Robin entitled: ‘Ill person being eaten up by jerms’.

  (Query: Is dear Robin perhaps future Heath Robinson or Arthur Watts?)

  Soon after this all becomes incoherent and muddled. Chief recollection is of hearing the doctor say that of course my Age is against me, which hurts my feelings and makes me feel like old Mrs Blenkinsop. After a few days, however, I get the better of my age, and am given champagne, grapes, and Valentine’s Meat Juice.

  Should like to ask what all this is going to cost, but feel it would be ungracious.

  The children, to my astonishment, are up and about again, and allowed to come and see me. They play at Panthers on the bed, until removed by Nurse. Robin reads aloud to me, article on Lord Chesterfield from pages of Time and Tide, which has struck him because he, like the writer, finds it difficult to accept a compliment gracefully. What do I do, he enquires, when I receive so many compliments all at once that I am overwhelmed? Am obliged to admit that I have not yet found myself in this predicament, at which Robin looks surprised, and slightly disappointed.

  Robert, the nurse, and I decide in conclave that the children shall be sent to Bude for a fortnight with Nurse, and Mademoiselle given a holiday in which to recover from her exertions. I am to join the Bude party when doctor permits.

  Robert goes to make this announcement to the nursery and comes back with fatal news that Mademoiselle is blessée, and that the more he asks her to explain, the more monosyllabic she becomes. Am not allowed either to see her or to write explanatory and soothing note and am far from reassured by Vicky’s report that Mademoiselle bathing her, has wept, and said that in England there are hearts of stone.

  May 12th. – Further interlude, this time owing to trouble with the eyes. (No doubt concomitant of my Age, once again.) The children and hospital nurse depart on the 9th, and I am left to gloomy period of total inactivity and lack of occupation. Get up after a time and prowl about in kind of semi-ecclesiastical darkness, further intensified by enormous pair of tinted spectacles. One and only comfort is that I cannot see myself in the glass. Two days ago, decide to make great effort and come down for tea, but nearly relapse and go straight back to bed again at sight of colossal demand for the Rates, confronting me on hall-stand without so much as an envelope between us.

  (Mem.: This sort of thing so very unlike picturesque convalescence in a novel, when heroine is gladdened by sight of spring flowers, sunshine, and what not. No mention ever made of Rates, or anything like them.)

  Miss the children very much and my chief companion is kitchen cat, a hard-bitten animal with only three and a half legs and a reputation for catching and eating a nightly average of three rabbits. We get on well together until I have recourse to the piano, when he invariably yowls and asks to be let out. On the whole, am obliged to admit that he is probably right, for I have forgotten all I ever knew, and am reduced to playing popular music by ear, which I do badly.

  Dear Barbara sends me a book of Loopy Limericks, and Robert assures me that I shall enjoy them later on. Personally, feel doubtful of surviving many more days of this kind.

  May 13th. – Regrettable, but undeni
able ray of amusement lightens general murk on hearing report, through Robert, that Cousin Maud Blenkinsop possesses a baby Austin, and has been seen running it all round the parish with old Mrs B., shawls and all, beside her. (It is many years since Mrs B. gave us all to understand that if she so much as walked across the room unaided, she would certainly fall down dead.)

  Cousin Maud, adds Robert thoughtfully, is not his idea of a good driver. He says no more, but I at once have dramatic visions of old Mrs B. flying over the nearest hedge, shawls waving in every direction, while Cousin Maud and the baby Austin charge a steamroller in a narrow lane. Am sorry to record that this leads to hearty laughter on my part, after which I feel better than for weeks past.

  The doctor comes to see me, says that he thinks my eyelashes will grow again – (should have preferred something much more emphatic, but am too much afraid of further reference to my age to insist) – and agrees to my joining children at Bude next week. He also, reluctantly, and with an air of suspicion, says that I may use my eyes for an hour every day, unless pain ensues.

  May 15th. – Our Vicar’s Wife, hearing that I am no longer in quarantine, comes to enliven me. Greet her with an enthusiasm to which she must, I fear, be unaccustomed, as it appears to startle her. Endeavour to explain it (perhaps a little tactlessly) by saying that I have been alone so long … Robert out all day … children at Bude … and end up with quotation to the effect that I never hear the sweet music of speech, and start at the sound of my own. Can see by the way Our Vicar’s Wife receives this that she does not recognise it as a quotation, and believes the measles to have affected my brain. (Query: Perhaps she is right?) More normal atmosphere established by a plea from Our Vicar’s Wife that kitchen cat may be put out of the room. It is, she knows, very foolish of her, but the presence of a cat makes her feel faint. Her grandmother was exactly the same. Put a cat into the same room as her grandmother, hidden under the sofa if you liked, and in two minutes the grandmother would say: ‘I believe there’s a cat in this room’, and at once turn queer. I hastily put kitchen cat out of the window, and we agree that heredity is very odd.

  And now, says Our Vicar’s Wife, how am I? Before I can reply, she does so for me, and says that she knows just how I feel. Weak as a rat, legs like cotton-wool, no spine whatever, and head like a boiled owl. Am depressed by this diagnosis, and begin to feel that it must be correct. However, she adds, all will be different after a blow in the wind at Bude, and meanwhile, she must tell me all the news.

  She does so.

  Incredible number of births, marriages, and deaths appear to have taken place in the parish in the last four weeks; also Mrs W. has dismissed her cook and cannot get another one, Our Vicar has written a letter about Drains to the local paper and it has been put in, and Lady B. has been seen in a new car. To this Our Vicar’s Wife adds rhetorically: Why not an aeroplane, she would like to know? (Why not, indeed?)

  Finally a Committee Meeting has been held – at which, she interpolates hastily, I was much missed – and a Garden Fête arranged, in aid of funds for Village Hall. It would be so nice, she adds optimistically, if the Fête could be held here. I agree that it would, and stifle a misgiving that Robert may not agree. In any case, he knows, and I know, and Our Vicar’s Wife knows, that Fête will have to take place here, as there isn’t anywhere else.

  Tea is brought in – superior temporary’s afternoon out, and Cook has, as usual, carried out favourite labour-saving device of three sponge-cakes and one bun jostling one another on the same plate – and we talk about Barbara and Crosbie Carruthers, bee-keeping, modern youth, and difficulty of removing oil stains from carpets. Have I, asks Our Vicar’s Wife, read A Brass Hat in No Man’s Land? No, I have not. Then, she says, don’t, on any account. There are so many sad and shocking things in life as it is, that writers should confine themselves to the bright, the happy, and the beautiful. This the author of A Brass Hat has entirely failed to do. It subsequently turns out that Our Vicar’s Wife has not read the book herself, but that Our Vicar has skimmed it, and declared it to be very painful and unnecessary. (Mem.: Put Brass Hat down for Times Book Club list, if not already there.)

  Our Vicar’s Wife suddenly discovers that it is six o’clock, exclaims that she is shocked, and attempts fausse sortie, only to return with urgent recommendation to me to try Valentine’s Meat Juice, which once practically, under Providence, saved Our Vicar’s uncle’s life. Story of uncle’s illness, convalescence, recovery, and subsequent death at the age of eighty-one, follows. Am unable to resist telling her, in return, about wonderful effect of Bemax on Mary Kellway’s youngest, and this leads – curiously enough – to the novels of Anthony Trollope, death of the Begum of Bhopal, and scenery in the Lake Country.

  At twenty minutes to seven, Our Vicar’s Wife is again shocked, and rushes out of the house. She meets Robert on the doorstep and stops to tell him that I am as thin as a rake, and a very bad colour, and the eyes, after measles, often give rise to serious trouble. Robert, so far as I can hear, makes no answer to any of it, and Our Vicar’s Wife finally departs.

  (Query here suggests itself: Is not silence frequently more efficacious than the utmost eloquence? Answer probably yes. Must try to remember this more often than I do.)

  Second post brings a long letter from Mademoiselle, recuperating with friends at Clacton-on-Sea, written, apparently, with a pin point dipped in violet ink on thinnest imaginable paper, and crossed in every direction. Decipher portions of it with great difficulty, but am relieved to find that I am still ‘Bien-chère Madame’ and that recent mysterious affront has been condoned.

  (Mem.: If Cook sends up jelly even once again, as being suitable diet for convalescence, shall send it straight back to the kitchen.)

  May 16th. – But for disappointing children, should be much tempted to abandon scheme for my complete restoration to health at Bude. Weather icy cold, self feeble and more than inclined to feverishness, and Mademoiselle, who was to have come with me, and helped with children, now writes that she is désolée, but has developed une angine. Do not know what this is, and have alarming thoughts about Angina Pectoris, but dictionary reassures me. I say to Robert: ‘After all, shouldn’t I get well just as quickly at home?’ He replies briefly: ‘Better go,’ and I perceive that his mind is made up. After a moment he suggests – but without real conviction – that I might like to invite Our Vicar’s Wife to come with me. I reply with a look only, and suggestion falls to the ground.

  A letter from Lady B. saying that she has only just heard about measles – (Why only just, when news has been all over parish for weeks?) and is so sorry, especially as measles are no joke at my age – (Can she be in league with Doctor, who also used identical objectionable expression?). – She cannot come herself to enquire, as with so many visitors always coming and going it wouldn’t be wise, but if I want anything from the House, I am to telephone without hesitation. She has given ‘her people’ orders that anything I ask for is to be sent up. Have a very good mind to telephone and ask for a pound of tea and Lady B.’s pearl necklace – (Could Cleopatra be quoted as precedent here?) – and see what happens.

  Further demand for the Rates arrives, and Cook sends up jelly once more for lunch. I offer it to Helen Wills, who gives one heave, and turns away. Feel that this would more than justify me in sending down entire dish untouched, but Cook will certainly give notice if I do, and cannot face possibility. Interesting to note that although by this time all Cook’s jellies take away at sight what appetite measles have left me, am more wholly revolted by emerald-green variety than by yellow or red. Should like to work out possible Freudian significance of this, but find myself unable to concentrate.

  Go to sleep in the afternoon, and awake sufficiently restored to do what I have long contemplated and Go Through my clothes. Result so depressing that I wish I had never done it. Have nothing fit to wear, and if I had, should look like a scarecrow in it at present. Send off parcel with knitted red cardigan, two evening dresses (much too short f
or present mode), three out-of-date hats, and tweed skirt that bags at the knees, to Mary Kellway’s Jumble Sale, where she declares that anything will be welcome. Make out a list of all the new clothes I require, get pleasantly excited about them, am again confronted with the Rates, and put the list in the fire.

  May 17th. – Robert drives me to North Road station to catch train for Bude. Temperature has fallen again, and I ask Robert if it is below zero. He replies briefly and untruthfully that the day will get warmer as it goes on, and no doubt Bude will be one blaze of sunshine. We arrive early and sit on a bench on the platform next to a young woman with a cough, who takes one look at me and then says: ‘Dreadful, isn’t it?’ Cannot help feeling that she has summarised the whole situation quite admirably. Robert hands me my ticket – he has handsomely offered to make it first-class and I have refused – and gazes at me with rather strange expression. At last he says: ‘You don’t think you’re going there to die, do you?’ Now that he suggests it, realise that I do feel very like that, but summon up smile that I feel to be unconvincing and make sprightly reference to Bishop, whose name I forget, coming to lay his bones at place the name of which I cannot remember. All of it appears to be Greek to Robert, and I leave him still trying to unravel it. Journey ensues and proves chilly and exhausting. Rain lashes at the windows, and every time carriage door opens – which is often – gust of icy wind, mysteriously blowing in two opposite directions at once, goes up my legs and down back of my neck. Have not told children by what train I am arriving, so no one meets me, not even bus on which I had counted. Am, however, secretly thankful, as this gives me an excuse for taking a taxi. Reach lodgings at rather uninspiring hour of 2.45, too early for tea or bed, which constitute present summit of my ambitions. Uproarious welcome from children, both in blooming health and riotous spirits, makes up for everything.