The Diary of a Provincial Lady

by E M Delafield

  May 19th. – Recovery definitely in sight, although almost certainly retarded by landlady’s inspiration of sending up a nice jelly for supper on evening of arrival. Rooms reasonably comfortable – (except for extreme cold, which is, says landlady, quite unheard of at this or any other time of year) – all is linoleum, pink and gold china, and enlarged photographs of females in lace collars and males with long moustaches and bow ties. Robin, Vicky, and the hospital nurse – retained at vast expense as a temporary substitute for Mademoiselle – have apparently braved the weather and spent much time on the Breakwater. Vicky has also made friends with a little dog, whose name she alleges to be ‘Baby’, a gentleman who sells papers, another gentleman who drives about in a Sunbeam, and the head waiter from the Hotel. I tell her about Mademoiselle’s illness, and after a silence she says ‘Oh!’ in tones of brassy indifference, and resumes topic of little dog ‘Baby’. Robin, from whom I cannot help hoping better things, makes no comment except ‘Is she?’ and immediately adds a request for a banana.

  (Mem.: Would it not be possible to write more domesticated and less foreign version of High Wind in Jamaica, featuring extraordinary callousness of infancy?) Can distinctly recollect heated correspondence in Time and Tide regarding vraisemblance or otherwise of Jamaica children, and now range myself, decidedly and for ever, on the side of the author. Can quite believe that dear Vicky would murder any number of sailors, if necessary.

  May 23rd. – Sudden warm afternoon, children take off their shoes and dash into pools, landlady says that it’s often like this on the last day of a visit to the sea, she’s noticed, and I take brisk walk over the cliffs, wearing thick tweed coat, and really begin to feel quite warm at the end of an hour. Pack suit-case after children are in bed, register resolution never to let stewed prunes and custard form part of any meal ever again as long as I live, and thankfully write postcard to Robert, announcing time of our arrival at home to-morrow.

  May 28th. – Mademoiselle returns, and is greeted with enthusiasm – to my great relief. (Robin and Vicky perhaps less like Jamaica children than I had feared.) She has on new black and white check skirt, white blouse with frills, black kid gloves, embroidered in white on the backs, and black straw hat almost entirely covered in purple violets, and informs me that the whole outfit was made by herself at a total cost of one pound, nine shillings, and fourpence-halfpenny. The French undoubtedly thrifty, and gifted in using a needle, but cannot altogether stifle conviction that a shade less economy might have produced better results.

  She presents me, in the kindest way, with a present in the shape of two blue glass flower vases, of spiral construction, and adorned with gilt knobs at many unexpected points. Vicky receives a large artificial-silk red rose, which she fortunately appears to admire, and Robin a small affair in wire that is intended, says Mademoiselle, to extract the stones out of cherries.

  (Mem.: Interesting to ascertain number of these ingenious contrivances sold in a year.)

  Am privately rather overcome by Mademoiselle’s generosity, and wish that we could reach the level of the French in what they themselves describe as petits soins. Place the glass vases in conspicuous position on dining-room mantelpiece, and am fortunately just in time to stem comment which I see rising to Robert’s lips when he sits down to midday meal and perceives them.

  After lunch, Robin is motored back to school by his father, and I examine Vicky’s summer wardrobe with Mademoiselle, and find that she has outgrown everything she has in the world.

  May 30th. – Arrival of Time and Tide, find that I have been awarded half of second prize for charming little effort that in my opinion deserves better. Robert’s attempt receives an honourable mention. Recognise pseudonym of first-prize winner as being that adopted by Mary Kellway. Should like to think that generous satisfaction envelops me, at dear friend’s success, but am not sure. This week’s competition announces itself as a Triolet – literary form that I cannot endure, and rules of which I am totally unable to master.

  Receive telephone invitation to lunch with the Frobishers on Sunday. I accept, less because I want to see them than because a change from domestic roast beef and gooseberry tart always pleasant; moreover, absence makes work lighter for the servants. (Mem.: Candid and intelligent self-examination as to motive, etc., often leads to very distressing revelations.)

  Constrained by conscience, and recollection of promise to Barbara, to go and call on old Mrs Blenkinsop. Receive many kind enquiries in village as to my complete recovery from measles, but observe singular tendency on part of everybody else to treat this very serious affliction as a joke.

  Find old Mrs B.’s cottage in unheard-of condition of hygienic ventilation, no doubt attributable to Cousin Maud. Windows all wide open, and casement curtains flapping in every direction, very cold east wind more than noticeable. Mrs B. – (surely fewer shawls than formerly?) – sitting quite close to open window, and not far from equally open door, seems to have turned curious shade of pale-blue, and shows tendency to shiver. Room smells strongly of furniture polish and black-lead. Fireplace, indeed, exhibits recent handsome application of the latter, and has evidently not held fire for days past. Old Mrs B. more silent than of old, and makes no reference to silver linings and the like. (Can spirit of optimism have been blown away by living in continual severe draught?) Cousin Maud comes in almost immediately. Have met her once before, and say so, but she makes it clear that this encounter left no impression, and has entirely escaped her memory. Am convinced that Cousin Maud is one of those people who pride themselves on always speaking the truth. She is wearing brick-red sweater – feel sure she knitted it herself – tweed skirt, longer at the back than in front – and large row of pearl beads. Has very hearty and emphatic manner, and uses many slang expressions.

  I ask for news of Barbara, and Mrs B. – (voice a mere bleat by comparison with Cousin Maud’s) – says that the dear child will be coming down once more before she sails, and that continued partings are the lot of the Aged, and to be expected. I begin to hope that she is approaching her old form, but all is stopped by Cousin Maud, who shouts out that we’re not to talk Rot, and it’s a jolly good thing Barbara has got Off the Hooks at last, poor old girl. We then talk about golf handicaps, Roedean – Cousin Maud’s dear old school – and the baby Austin. More accurate statement would perhaps be that Cousin Maud talks, and we listen. No sign of Life of Beaconsfield, or any other literary activities, such as old Mrs B. used to be surrounded by, and do not like to enquire what she now does with her time. Disquieting suspicion that this is probably settled for her, without reference to her wishes.

  Take my leave feeling depressed. Old Mrs B. rolls her eyes at me as I say good-bye, and mutters something about not being here much longer, but this is drowned by hearty laughter from Cousin Maud, who declares that she is Nothing but an old Humbug and will See Us All Out.

  Am escorted to the front gate by Cousin Maud, who tells me what a topping thing it is for old Mrs B. to be taken out of herself a bit, and asks if it isn’t good to be Alive on a bracing day like this? Should like to reply that it would be far better for some of us to be dead, in my opinion, but spirit for this repartee fails me, and I weakly reply that I know what she means. I go away before she has time to slap me on the back, which I feel certain will be the next thing.

  Had had in mind amiable scheme for writing to Barbara to-night to tell her that old Mrs B. is quite wonderful, and showing no sign of depression, but this cannot now be done, and after much thought, do not write at all, but instead spend the evening trying to reconcile grave discrepancy between account-book, counterfoils of cheque-book, and rather unsympathetically worded communication from the Bank.

  June 1st. – Sunday lunch with the Frobishers, and four guests staying in the house with them – introduced as, apparently, Colonel and Mrs Brightpie – (which seems impossible) – Sir William Reddie – or Ready, or Reddy, or perhaps even Reddeigh – and My sister Violet. Latter quite astonishingly pretty, and wearing admirable fl
owered tussore that I, as usual, mentally try upon myself, only to realise that it would undoubtedly suggest melancholy saying concerning mutton dressed as lamb.

  The Colonel sits next to me at lunch, and we talk about fishing, which I have never attempted, and look upon as cruelty to animals, but this, with undoubted hypocrisy and moral cowardice, I conceal. Robert has My sister Violet, and I hear him at intervals telling her about the pigs, which seems odd, but she looks pleased, so perhaps is interested.

  Conversation suddenly becomes general, as topic of present-day Dentistry is introduced by Lady F. We all, except Robert, who eats bread, have much to say.

  (Mem.: Remember to direct conversation into similar channel, when customary periodical deathly silence descends upon guests at my own table.)

  Weather is wet and cold, and had confidently hoped to escape tour of the garden, but this is not to be, and directly lunch is over we rush out into the damp. Boughs drip on to our heads and water squelches beneath our feet, but rhododendrons and lupins undoubtedly very magnificent, and references to Ruth Draper not more numerous than usual. I find myself walking with Mrs Brightpie (?), who evidently knows all that can be known about a garden. Fortunately she is prepared to originate all the comments herself, and I need only say, ‘Yes, isn’t that an attractive variety?’ and so on. She enquires once if I have ever succeeded in making the dear blue Grandiflora Magnifica Superbiensis – (or something like that) – feel really happy and at home in this climate? to which I am able to reply with absolute truth by a simple negative, at which I fancy she looks rather relieved. Is her own life perhaps one long struggle to acclimatise the GMS? and what would she have replied if I said that, in my garden, the dear thing grew like a weed?

  (Mem.: Must beware of growing tendency to indulge in similar idle speculations, which lead nowhere, and probably often give me the appearance of being absent-minded in the society of my fellow-creatures.)

  After prolonged inspection, we retrace steps, and this time find myself with Sir William R. and Lady F. talking about grass. Realise with horror that we are now making our way towards the stables. Nothing whatever to be done about it, except keep as far away from the horses as possible, and refrain from any comment whatever, in hopes of concealing that I know nothing about horses except that they frighten me. Robert, I notice, looks sorry for me, and places himself between me and terrifying-looking animal that glares out at me from loose-box and curls up its lip. Feel grateful to him, and eventually leave stables with shattered nerves and soaking wet shoes. Exchange customary graceful farewells with host and hostess, saying how much I have enjoyed coming.

  (Query here suggests itself, as often before: Is it utterly impossible to combine the amenities of civilisation with even the minimum of honesty required to satisfy the voice of conscience? Answer still in abeyance at present.)

  Robert goes to Evening Service, and I play Halma with Vicky. She says that she wants to go to school, and produces string of excellent reasons why she should do so. I say that I will think it over, but am aware, by previous experience, that Vicky has almost miraculous aptitude for getting her own way, and will probably succeed in this instance as in others.

  Rather depressing Sunday supper – cold beef, baked potatoes, salad, and depleted cold tart – after which I write to Rose, the Cleaners, the Army and Navy Stores, and the County Secretary of the Women’s Institute, and Robert goes to sleep over the Sunday Pictorial.

  June 3rd. – Astounding and enchanting change in the weather, which becomes warm. I carry chair, writing-materials, rug, and cushion into the garden, but am called in to have a look at the Pantry Sink, please, as it seems to have blocked itself up. Attempted return to garden frustrated by arrival of note from the village concerning Garden Fête arrangements, which requires immediate answer, necessity for speaking to the butcher on the telephone, and sudden realisation that Laundry List hasn’t yet been made out, and the Van will be here at eleven. When it does come, I have to speak about the tablecloths, which leads – do not know how – to long conversation about the Derby, the Van speaking highly of an outsider – Trews – whilst I uphold the chances of Silver Flare (mainly because I like the name).

  Shortly after this, Mrs S. arrives from the village, to collect jumble for Garden Fête, which takes time. After lunch, sky clouds over, and Mademoiselle and Vicky kindly help me to carry chair, writing-materials, rug, and cushion into the house again.

  Robert receives letter by second post announcing death of his godfather, aged ninety-seven, and decides to go to the funeral on 5th June.

  (Mem.: Curious, but authenticated fact, that a funeral is the only gathering to which the majority of men ever go willingly. Should like to think out why this should be so, but must instead unearth top-hat and other accoutrements of woe and try if open air will remove smell of naphthaline.)

  June 7th. – Receive letter – (Why, in Heaven’s name, not telegram?) – from Robert, to announce that godfather has left him Five Hundred Pounds. This strikes me as so utterly incredible and magnificent that I shed tears of pure relief and satisfaction. Mademoiselle comes in, in the midst of them, and on receiving explanation kisses me on both cheeks and exclaims Ah, je m’en doutais! Voilà bien ce bon Saint Antoine! Can only draw conclusion that she has, most touchingly, been petitioning Heaven on our behalf, and very nearly weep again at the thought. Spend joyful evening making out lists of bills to be paid, jewellery to be redeemed, friends to be benefited, and purchases to be made, out of legacy, and am only slightly disconcerted on finding that net total of lists, when added together, comes to exactly one thousand three hundred and twenty pounds.

  June 9th – Return, yesterday, of Robert, and have every reason to believe that, though neither talkative nor exuberant, he fully appreciates newly achieved stability of financial position. He warmly concurs in my suggestion that great-aunt’s diamond ring should be retrieved from Plymouth pawnbroker’s in time to figure at our next excitement, which is the Garden Fête, and I accordingly hasten to Plymouth by earliest available bus.

  Not only do I return with ring – (pawnbroker, after a glance at the calendar, congratulates me on being just in time) – but have also purchased new hat for myself, many yards of material for Vicky’s frocks, a Hornby train for Robin, several gramophone records, and a small mauve bag for Mademoiselle. All give the utmost satisfaction, and I furthermore arrange to have hot lobster and fruit-salad for dinner – these, however, not a great success with Robert, unfortunately, and he suggests – though kindly – that I was perhaps thinking more of my own tastes than of his, when devising this form of celebration. Must regretfully acknowledge truth in this. Discussion of godfather’s legacy fills the evening happily, and I say that we ought to give a Party, and suggest combining it with Garden Fête. Robert replies, however – and on further reflection find that I agree with him – that this would not conduce to the success of either entertainment, and scheme is abandoned. He also begs me to get Garden Fête over before I begin to think of anything else, and I agree to do so.

  June 12th. – Nothing is spoken of but weather, at the moment propitious – but who can say whether similar conditions will prevail on 17th? – relative merits of having the Tea laid under the oak trees or near the tennis-court, outside price that can be reasonably asked for articles on Jumble Stall, desirability of having Icecream combined with Lemonade Stall, and the like. Date fortunately coincides with Robin’s half-term, and I feel that he must and shall come home for the occasion. Expense, as I point out to Robert, now nothing to us. He yields. I become reckless, have thoughts of a House-party, and invite Rose to come down from London. She accepts.

  Dear old school-friend Cissie Crabbe, by strange coincidence, writes that she will be on her way to Land’s End on 16th June; may she stay for two nights? Yes, she may. Robert does not seem pleased when I explain that he will have to vacate his dressing-room for Cissie Crabbe, as Rose will be occupying spare bedroom, and Robin at home. This will complete House-party.

 
June 17th. – Entire household rises practically at dawn, in order to take part in active preparations for Garden Fête. Mademoiselle reported to have refused breakfast in order to put final stitches in embroidered pink satin boot-bag for Fancy Stall, which she has, to my certain knowledge, been working at for the past six weeks. At ten o’clock Our Vicar’s Wife dashes in to ask what I think of the weather, and to say that she cannot stop a moment. At eleven she is still here, and has been joined by several stall-holders, and tiresome local couple called White, who want to know if there will be a Tennis Tournament, and if not, is there not still time to organise one? I reply curtly in the negative to both suggestions and they depart, looking huffed. Our Vicar’s Wife says that this may have lost us their patronage at the Fête altogether, and that Mrs White’s mother, who is staying with them, is said to be rich, and might easily have been worth a couple of pounds to us.

  Diversion fortunately occasioned by unexpected arrival of solid and respectable-looking claret-coloured motor-car, from which Barbara and Crosbie Carruthers emerge. Barbara is excited; C. C. remains calm but looks benevolent. Our Vicar’s Wife screams, and throws a pair of scissors wildly into the air. (They are eventually found in Bran Tub, containing Twopenny Dips, and are the cause of much trouble, as small child who fishes them out maintains them to be bona fide dip and refuses to give them up.)

  Barbara looks blooming, and says how wonderful it is to see the dear old place quite unchanged. Cannot wholeheartedly agree with this, as it is not three months since she was here last, but fortunately she requires no answer, and says that she and C. C. are looking up old friends and will return for the Opening of the Fête this afternoon.

  Robert goes to meet old school-friend Cissie Crabbe at station, and Rose and I to help price garments at Jumble Stall. (Find that my views are not always similar to those of other members of Committee. Why, for instance, only three-and-sixpence for grey georgette only sacrificed reluctantly at eleventh hour from my wardrobe?)