Impasse (L.A. Nights)

by Sylvie Fox

  “So far, it feels a little like butterflies in my stomach—but that may just be the morning sickness. It doesn’t hurt at all though.”

  “Can you… I mean, can we still?”

  “The doctor said it’s perfectly okay. And with all of these hormones running through my body, I’ve been horny as hell.”

  She let him take the lead then, and basked in his kiss, his caress. They made slow, languorous love that morning, and Holly tried not to dwell on the fact that it felt like goodbye.

  When they parted, Nick reached over to her nightstand to turn down her radio, which had come on at the usual time, knocking off the velvet box Drew had left in her apartment. Picking up the box, he opened it curiously.

  “What’s this?” he asked.

  “It’s from Drew.”

  Nick looked at her, clearly perplexed. “Drew Burke?”

  “He left it for me when he came by a couple of weeks ago.”

  “But he’s in New York.”

  “He was. He’s moving there permanently. I don’t know how to say this, Nick, so I’ll just say it. He wanted us to get back together. He proposed marriage again, family, the whole shebang.”

  Usually so laid back, worry etched Nick’s face. “Are you considering it?”

  Holly closed her eyes and slowly shook her head. “No, Nick. He knows about us. I told him about the baby.”

  Nick’s voice was hoarse when he next spoke. “Why did you tell him but not me?”

  “It wasn’t like that, Nick. I did it without thinking. We used to be married. I’m… I was in the habit of telling him everything. It just seemed the easiest way to show him that he and I were over forever. Nick, I don’t want Drew back. You have to believe that.”

  “Do you want me instead?”

  Holly countered his question with one of her own. “Will you take the both of us?”

  “Holly… ”

  “It’s a package deal, Nick. It’s all or nothing for me.”

  “I don’t… I can’t make a decision like this on the spot.”

  “Nor would I expect you to,” Holly said, though she really did and his hesitation was a huge blow to her burgeoning love for him. She didn’t know if she could trust her heart to someone who couldn’t commit.

  Unselfconscious for once and uncaring about her nudity, Holly slid from the bed and fished around in her bedside nightstand. Finding a piece of paper and a pen, she jotted down some notes.

  “Here’s the date and time of my first obstetrician appointment. It’s at Cedars-Sinai. If you can make it… ” Holly didn’t finish her thought. She thrust the paper at Nick and walked to the bathroom, slamming the door. It was clear, for this morning at least, the conversation was over.

  Someday had turned into today. Nick sat in the confined space of the two-seater Mercedes for a long time. A baby. A freaking baby. With crying, and diapers, and daycare, and preschool. He didn’t know a damn thing about any of it. Fatherhood was a mystery.

  Marriage and family, and kids had always been some far off fantasy. Sure, he wanted what his parents had, but he didn’t know if he was ready to do it now. God, in his mind, he’d imagined dating Holly for a couple of years at least to make sure they were compatible for the long term. Surely, they’d get their fill of one another, and he wanted to be with her when sex wasn’t the most prominent thing on his mind. Then, maybe they’d get engaged, then married. Babies had seemed as real as winning an Oscar.

  Nick counted on his fingers. Holly could give birth in May or June. Where would he be? He rarely filmed exclusively in Los Angeles. He could be in New York, or Europe, or even Africa following a story. How would they bring a baby to far flung parts of the world? Would she and the baby stay behind? How could he be a father if he wasn’t ever home? Holly was an adult and they were mature enough that their relationship could handle separations. But how could he explain to a two-month-old, or a two-year-old that Daddy had to go out of town—to make a living?

  Daddy. Some little boy or girl would call him Daddy.

  Time to think, that’s what he needed. How could Holly be so sure of her decision when he was so shaky?

  Chapter Eleven

  Though Holly and Nick were still together, in a manner of speaking, their relationship hadn’t progressed from the night she told him about the baby. They still saw each other almost every night because, despite the wall her pregnancy put between them, they hadn’t been able to slake their desire for one another.

  Hormones were running through her body like wildfire through the California brush. She didn’t know if she couldn’t get enough of Nick or of sex with Nick, but their almost nightly romps kept her going from day to day. As long as their passion was as strong as ever, the proverbial elephant in the living room, her pregnancy, got short shrift in the mix. When they had been together last night, this morning’s appointment hadn’t come up. Talking wasn’t their main activity.

  Yes, the last two weeks had been a holding pattern, but in her eyes this was the true test. If Nick didn’t come to the appointment today, then she had decided to break it off once and for all. There was no need, really, to keep on going the way they were. It would only make it harder later.

  Pushing open the doctor’s hall door to reveal the antiseptic waiting room, Holly’s heart sunk to the pit of her stomach like a stone in a shallow lake. Nick wasn’t there. As far as she could see into the future, it was all over except for the messy breakup she desperately wanted to avoid.

  She made herself comfortable as she filled out the questionnaire the receptionist had handed her on a clipboard. Every time the door to the obstetrician’s office opened, Holly’s heart jumped to her throat. Was Nick merely late? The first time the door swung it was a young mother with an older woman, likely her mother. For the first time in a long time, Holly acutely missed having a mother. The second time it opened, Holly had to swallow down the lump in her throat. Everyone there reminded her of what she didn’t have.

  It was a young couple, obviously enchanted with each other, who looked as if they were sharing the woman’s first pregnancy together. Resigned to going it alone, Holly finished the survey and prepared to soldier through this first appointment. She was just getting ready to dial Sophie on her cell to get her acquiescence on acting as a birth coach when an older nurse called her name.

  The lobby door and the door to the doctor’s inner sanctum opened simultaneously, causing a momentary wind vacuum, which swept Holly’s hair about. Just as she turned to follow the nurse, Nick strode purposefully through the door. “I’m sorry I’m late—Helena and I were in the editing bay trying to get a promo package out to New York before the overnight shipping deadline.”

  Holly wasn’t sure if the relief showed on her face, but hope burgeoned anew. They followed the nurse to the examining room, Nick bringing up the rear of their little group. The nurse took her blood pressure and asked a few perfunctory questions that Holly answered automatically.

  “Undress completely and put on this gown. The doctor will be performing a pelvic and breast exam during this first visit. Your husband—”

  “Nick’s not… ” Holly stuttered, not sure what to say. “We’re not married.”

  The nurse nodded understandingly, not pausing a beat. “The baby’s father—did you say the name was Nick?” she asked, addressing him directly. “You can accompany the mom-to-be during the examination if you both feel comfortable with that.”

  Nick merely nodded and sat on a stool placed near the head of the examination table. When the nurse left them alone, plunking her chart in a plastic bin on the door, Holly rose to begin undressing. His hand on her arm caused her to pause. “Do you want me to stay?”

  “I really would like that, yes,” Holly said, disrobing. Almost reflexively, Nick reached out to stroke her nipple, peaked in the cold examination room. He pulled his hand back before he touched her, probably realizing it was an inappropriate setting for that.

  The squeak of the doctor’s shoes on the clean linole
um floor hurried Holly’s movements, and she covered herself with the paper gown, tying the insubstantial plastic belt around her waist.

  “Good morning, Holly,” the dark haired young doctor said, shaking her hand. “I’m Dr. Sebastian Cole. And you are?” he asked, extending his hand toward Nick.

  “Nick Andreis. I’m the baby’s father,” he said, stumbling over the words.

  “Good to meet you. Holly, here’s what’s going to happen today. I’m going to get a detailed family history and ask you about your first few weeks of pregnancy. Then I’m going to conduct a pelvic exam. If you have questions at any time. just ask.” He looked at Nick. “That goes for both of you.”

  Dr. Cole started with the standard questions: her parents’ health, the date of her last menstruation, the date of conception, and how she felt. Holly told him about her fatigue and morning sickness, leaving out the part about being horny all the time.

  “Have you ever been pregnant before?”

  Holly hesitated only a moment before answering, “Yes, once.”

  Though Holly heard Nick’s swift intake of breath, she didn’t meet his gaze. She continued to look only at Dr. Cole, then the floor.

  “Did the pregnancy come to term?”

  “No, I had a miscarriage at about fourteen weeks.”

  “Did the doctor diagnose a cause?”

  “Not really. We discussed possible chromosomal abnormalities. But, she explained that it could be just ‘one of those things.’ I think that it was due, in part at least, to the stress the pregnancy put on my marriage. I really wanted the baby, and my ex-husband didn’t. I think we argued about it most nights right up until the miscarriage.”

  Looking genuinely concerned, Dr. Cole scooted forward on his wheeled stool and took Holly’s ice cold hands in his. “You should know that each and every pregnancy is different. There is often nothing that can be done to prevent a miscarriage. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Eat well. Get plenty of rest. Just follow the instructions that I’ll give you today, and do what feels right.”

  Holly nodded, trying to swallow back her tears. Nick, didn’t move from where he sat, seemingly rooted to the spot near the head of the examination table. Dr. Cole stood. “The nurse will be in to prep you for the pelvic examination. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  As soon as the door closed behind him, Nick spoke. “Holly, I didn’t know. I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice hoarse with concern.

  “It’s okay. Only Drew and Sophie know. I don’t like to revisit that time in my life.”

  Holly lay back on the examination table as the nurse came in and bustled about, placing her feet in the stirrups and getting the implements ready for the doctor.

  “After your exam,” the nurse said, “I’ll take you down to the lab, and we’ll get the blood and urine samples there. If anything comes up, our office will call you. For now, just relax. The doc will do a Pap smear and all the same things as a regular pelvic exam.” She looked at Nick sympathetically. “You can stay if you want, but most men are a little squeamish about this part.”

  When the nurse left, Nick took Holly’s still cold hands in his, rubbing them briskly to warm them up in the clinically cold room. “Do you want me to stay?”

  Yes, Holly thought. Instead she said, “It’s pretty routine from here on out. If you have somewhere to be, it’s okay to go. This exam and the blood test can get pretty gruesome,” she said reasonably, putting all the gaiety in her voice that she could muster. All her fantasies of babies and families and settling down aside, Holly knew it was time to let him go. She needed someone who was in one hundred percent, not someone who’d come out of obligation.

  Nick hesitated for a moment, and Holly’s heart leapt to her throat, hope blossoming there.

  “If it’s okay, I have some stuff I could be working on back at the studio.” Nick looked at his watch. “But I’ll call you later to see how it went,” he said, distracted. He checked his phone, his thumb working the tiny controls. He had checked out before he’d even left the room.

  Just as quickly as it had bloomed, that hope died. Her fantasies of him tearing up over the baby’s first heartbeat, or looking at grainy ultrasound pictures dissipated like the marine layer on a hot southern California day. She didn’t know how she continued to get in the same situation over and over. Here she was again pregnant by a man she loved, who wanted her but not her baby. She had hoped that Nick’s presence here meant that he had changed his mind about their future together, but she’d judged right from the beginning. She should have listened to reason and not been swayed by her sentimental side.

  Maybe she had just confused lust with love. No couch equaled no responsibility. She’d known that all along. Before the doctor or nurse came back, she pulled her cell phone from her purse. It was time to enlist Sophie as her pregnancy coach. Nick was out of the picture, and she didn’t intend to go through this alone.

  Nick and his father were tackling the largest unpainted area of the house, the open plan living and dining rooms. There was little conversation between them, the only sound in the room consisted of the clank of ladders and the rhythmic swish of the paint rollers against the smooth plaster.

  “Earth to Nicky,” he heard his father say.

  “Sorry, Dad. Did you ask me something? I’ve been a million miles away today.”

  “I could tell. What’s on your mind? I don’t think it has anything to do with painting—though you’re doing a much better job than in the bedroom—so it’s not lady trouble again, is it?”

  Finishing two opposite walls, they both came down the ladders and started cleaning up, getting ready for a lunch break.

  “Dad, I have something I need to tell you.”

  “Before lunch? Can’t it wait until I get something in my belly? This painting has been hard work. These tall walls, climbing up and down the ladder—I don’t even know if I should be doing this at my old age.” He shook his head woefully. “So what are you gonna feed… ”

  “Holly’s pregnant,” Nick blurted unceremoniously then paused to let his father know he was serious. “You’re going to be a grandfather.”

  Dominic’s eyes lit up with joy then welled with tears. He wrapped Nick in a bear hug, lifting him off the ground.

  “I knew it. I couldn’t believe she’d made those delicious waffles and just ignored them. She looked just like Iris did when she was pregnant with you, glowing and beautiful, if not a little green around the gills.” Dominic shook his head disbelievingly. “I’m finally going to be a grandfather. Well it’s about time.” His grin reached from ear to ear.

  “What waffles?”

  A sheepish smile crept over Dominic’s lips. “When I was working on her closet, I may have mentioned that I skipped breakfast.”

  “Dad, you were supposed to be helping.”

  “I did help. Have you seen those closets? I did some beautiful work there. But let’s get back to the topic at hand. So, Holly’s pregnant with your little boy or girl. Are you happy?” he clapped his hands. “I, myself, couldn’t be happier. When is she due? Are you getting married? It’ll do my heart good to have a wedding and a birth in the coming year. Your mom would be thrilled, God rest her soul.”

  Nick was quiet, sealing and stacking the paint cans, and moving the ladders to lean against an unpainted wall.

  Dominic continued even though Nick hadn’t answered any of his questions. “So have you thought of names? And you still haven’t answered me. Are you getting married?” Dominic held a hand to his heart, apologetic. “I know, I know, I’m old fashioned, but I still think it should be marriage before babies. But I’m flexible. It’s the new millennium. Maybe babies can come before marriage nowadays.”

  Nick finally spoke when Dominic paused to take a breath.

  “I’m not sure if we’re going to be together.”

  “What? I’m confused.” Dominic scratched his head exaggeratedly. “I thought you guys were going like gangbusters. You painted the bedroom
just for her, despite what you say.” When Nick shook his head, Dominic nodded his. “Plus, I haven’t been able to reach you at night for weeks. She seems like a great girl. She’s surely a great cook and pretty too. What gives?”

  “It’s not that I don’t want to be with her, Dad. I really do. It’s just that this baby thing came as a really big surprise. I was ready to explore a relationship between us—really get to know each other better—maybe move in together, I don’t know. But I sure know that I’m not ready to be a father. I’m only twenty-six, Dad.”

  Dominic, only half-kidding, cuffed Nick on the head.

  “So what did you say to her when she told you she was pregnant?”

  “I don’t think I really said anything.”

  Dominic winced. “How long ago did she tell you?”

  “Maybe a couple of weeks.”

  “And you’re just telling me now?” His voice rose an octave, his Chicago accent stronger and thicker by the minute.

  “I’m just not prepared for this.”

  “I may be old, but the birds and the bees haven’t changed since I was your age. She didn’t get pregnant by herself. You better get prepared. What you’re doing to Holly isn’t right. Your mother and I didn’t raise you this way.”

  “I need time,” Nick said imploring his father to understand.

  “Nick, time is not a luxury you have,” Dominic said, exasperated. “Do you know what my greatest regret is? That I didn’t stand up to your grandfather and marry your mother when we graduated from high school. Those years with her in Chicago and me out here were the hardest of my life.

  “When she was diagnosed with that damned cancer, I regretted every single one of those days.” Dominic drew out the last few words meaningfully. After a pause, he continued. “I was young and arrogant back then. If I had known that my days with your mother were numbered, I wouldn’t have waited until she was at the altar to get up the courage to claim her as my own. If I can pass nothing else on to you, remember this: Don’t make my same mistake.”