Impasse (L.A. Nights)

by Sylvie Fox

  Sophie went home to rest, shower, and change. The nurses rolled in a cot for Nick that fit next to her bed, but rather than talk, he just held her hand and stroked her hair until she slept. She woke a couple of times during her second night in the hospital when the nurses checked on her, and Nick never moved from her side. Though she was loathe to admit it, having Nick there made the experience a lot less scary. With him by her side, she could get through almost anything.

  Holly was prepared for the epidural early the next morning. She only had to grit her teeth a little to get through the first sharp sting of pain while they inserted the needle. Then she was wheeled away to surgery alone. Before the orderly pushed her gurney away, Nick promised he would be there when she got back. The procedure was surprisingly quick. Holly was back in her bed in little more than an hour. When she was wheeled back in to the room, a small group awaited her. Sophie had returned, and somewhere along the way Dominic had come as well.

  Holly’s voice was a little hoarse when she spoke. “What are you guys all doing here? It was just a little surgery.”

  Dominic was the first to answer. “We’re family, and that’s what family does. I’m here for you, Holly, for the good and bad.” Then he mumbled something under his breath that sounded like “I can’t say the same for my son.” But Holly wasn’t sure she heard right and didn’t want to press the issue. Even if they had no real holds on each other, she was glad Nick was here, too. She was no longer ashamed to admit that she needed to lean on someone right now.

  Dominic continued, “So I hear you’re on bed rest starting today.”

  Holly nodded. “I think for a little while. At least until the doctor is sure that the surgery takes, and there won’t be any further complications with the baby.”

  “Where are you going to stay?” Dominic asked with concern in his voice.

  Holly hadn’t given much thought to the question. “Home. My place. It’s only for a short while, I think. Between Sophie and my other girlfriends, I’ll be fine.”

  “The studio’s production schedule is slowing down as people gear up for the holiday season. I’m sure I can stop by to check on you during our breaks… ” Sophie trailed off.

  “You're coming home with me. No arguments,” Nick interrupted the back and forth between the women.

  “Nick, I can’t inconvenience you that way.”

  “Look, I’m wrapping up the last film and doing pre-production on the New York project. I can work just as well from home as I can from the studio.”

  Holly didn’t think her heart could stand it—loving him, but not being able to have him. She was trying to come up with a clever way to extricate herself when a nurse they hadn’t met before picked that opportune time to enter the room. A sheaf of multicolored pages filled her hands.

  “I’m your discharge nurse,” she said. “I have some postoperative procedures to review with you.”

  She explained how the sutures would heal and the symptoms of possible complications worth calling the doctor about. Sophie and Dominic were joking softly about something while the nurse talked. Then she got to the part about bed rest.

  The woman silenced them all with one look. “Now, as the mother’s support system, it’s important for all of you to understand the importance of bed rest. At this stage of the pregnancy it’s critical, and it will end when the doctor decides it’s safe for the mom to return to limited or normal activity, okay?”

  Everyone nodded, mollified.

  “Here are the dos and don’ts,” she said, handing Holly a pink sheet. “You are going to have to recline or lie down twenty-four hours a day. You can get up to use the bathroom and to shower once a day. That’s it. No dishes. No laundry. And most importantly, no sex. There will be no other activity. I want to be crystal clear about this. It’s like taking penicillin. You have to follow the whole course; there can be no halfway with this. If you ever have any questions about what you can do—stay in bed—and what you can’t do—anything else—please call Dr. Cole’s office.” She handed over another page, this one turquoise, and left the room on the turn of her crepe-soled heel.

  The seriousness of the instructions cast a somber mood about the room.

  “This is all the more reason that you should be with me,” Nick said in a way that brooked no argument.

  Neither Sophie nor Dominic looked like they were willing to challenge him. Against her better judgment, Holly capitulated.

  “Okay, I’ll go to Nick’s. But I’m going to need some stuff.”

  “Where’s your purse?” Nick pointed to his father and Sophie. “You two. Go get her stuff.”

  He pulled her key ring from the bag and handed the jumble of metal to Sophie and Dominic.

  While she made a quick list of the things she would need on a small pad the hospital had provided in the bedside table, Nick started making more calls to arrange for Holly’s convalescence. Sophie and Dominic took off to put her stuff together. Other than having Holly sign some papers, Nick handled the rest of the check-out process.

  He wheeled her through the lobby and to his car. A valet had pulled the car to the entrance.

  “For now, we’re doing this my way,” Nick said.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Nick’s grasp was firm as he gently helped her up the stairs and then carried her to the bedroom, holding her as if she was precious, breakable crystal. She tried not to think about another time when a man would carry her over the threshold. Before she could get herself situated in the king-size sleigh bed, she heard the front door open, and Sophie and Dominic bustled in.

  They were upstairs in a flash with her small suitcase and a couple of shopping bags full of various and sundry items. Following Nick’s cues, Sophie put Holly’s clothes in the half-empty armoire, while Dominic stacked her toiletries on the dresser. Then Nick and his father disappeared to get something, though she couldn’t remember requesting anything else. About fifteen minutes later, they had a small TV with a built-in DVD player set up in the corner of the room. Dominic had brought the electronics from his own bedroom.

  Holly was touched. “I don’t know how to thank you.”

  “Just keep my first grandchild safe and healthy,” Dominic said. They stayed a few more minutes to make sure she was comfortable. Then she and Nick were truly alone. Even though she was carrying the man’s child, and they had shared intimacies far greater than sharing a room, Holly felt as awkward as she did that first night she’d been alone with him in this house.

  “You don’t—” Holly started.

  “Are you—” Nick said at the same time, their words crashing into each other.

  “You first,” she said.

  “I was going to ask you if you were hungry or needed anything.”

  “No, Nick, I’m fine. I was just going to take a little nap if that’s okay. I didn’t get much sleep at the hospital with all the bright lights and nurses walking in and out of the room at all hours of the night.”

  “If you’re okay, I’m going to go up to the loft and get myself set up to work at home. I just want to see if I need anything from the studio while I’m working here.”

  “Go ahead. Don’t worry about me,” Holly said, yawning sleepily. She turned on her side and buried her head in the fluffy pillow. She heard Nick go up to the loft, and though she was exhausted, she could not doze off. Their future, if any, weighed heavily on her mind. Just two days ago, she was ready to move past the idea of them being together, having a “forever.” But hope was burgeoning again. Something seemed to have shifted in Nick. She couldn’t put her finger on it exactly, but something was there.

  Above her in the nook that comprised the third floor loft, she heard Nick power up his iMac and slide in a DVD of the last edit of Solstice’s documentary. When the voices of the Esperanza kids came to life, he hit the mute button.

  “Nick,” Holly called up. “There’s no need to turn it down. I’m not sleeping anyway. This is why I didn’t want to be here. I am not going to disturb your work o
r your life. Please turn it back up. I’d like to feel like I’m a part of things, not some Victorian invalid closed up in a room.”

  His muffled chuckle was barely audible.

  Holly must have eventually drifted off because she was startled when Nick woke her up in time for dinner. They shared a simple meal. He had wine and she, water. Then he helped her to the bathroom for a quick shower. “I think I’m going to turn in,” she said.

  He looked at the clock. “Then I’ll come to bed, too.”

  “You’re going to sleep here?”

  “We’re adults, Holly. I can control my libido around you, and I only have the one bed.”

  “Mm hm,” Holly nodded, getting comfortable. He got under the covers, but his presence did nothing to bridge the impassible gulf between them.

  “Plus, I’ll be here if anything happens.”

  Holly tossed and turned for nearly an hour. Sleep eluded her again, even though she was still deathly tired.

  Nick came closer, laying his head on her pillow. “You still awake?”

  “I can’t get to sleep. Maybe it’s because of the strange bed.”

  “You never had a problem sleeping here before. What’s really bothering you?”

  Holly tried unsuccessfully to hide the quaver in her voice. “I’m scared, Nick. I’m afraid of losing this baby.”

  He pulled her into his arms, his front to her back. He whispered into her sweetly scented hair, “Tell me about the last time.”

  “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

  “Let me share some of this burden with you.”

  Hesitantly, she started talking. “Drew and I were fighting all the time. I had wanted a baby for years, and he felt that the pregnancy had trapped him.” Holly stopped to take a choppy breath, the memories assailing her now. “I kept trying to convince him that a baby was a blessing, but I wasn’t getting through. All he could see was how a little boy or girl was going to stunt his career, his social life, the neat little world he’d built for himself.”

  Holly paused while Nick rubbed her back. “I was just so exhausted with the pregnancy, with the fighting, and that night, I was trying to relax. We had just gone to bed when I suddenly had these horrible cramps. It was so much worse than any period I’d ever had. Then the blood came. That was the scariest part. I knew then that the baby had died. Going to the hospital, the subsequent procedure, all of that was anticlimactic. It was that one dreadful moment I realized I wouldn’t be a mother that I died a little inside.”

  Nick squeezed her. “My God, it must have been like déjà vu the other night.”

  Holly just nodded, and with that burden lifted off her, and Nick’s gentle back rub, she drifted off to sleep at last.

  A cool fall morning light crept into the room and Holly stirred, the cacophony of coyote yelps and sharp barks bringing her to wakefulness. Nick had his back to her, but when she pulled up the covers, he turned over to face her.

  “Did you hear that?” she whispered, her eyes growing wide as the canines’ voices merged into one long, feral song.

  “It’s just a couple of coyotes howling to each other.”

  “A couple,” Holly said. “It sounds like so many. People who live in the hills are always telling stories about them living in the Santa Monica Mountains, but I didn’t think they’d live so close,” she said, shivering a little at the sound. “Do you ever see them?”

  “Sometimes when I’m coming home late at night, I see them darting across the road. Their eyes glow in the car’s headlights, kind of like dogs.”

  “Are they dangerous?” Holly asked, thinking about the children she’d seen running freely in the neighborhood.

  “Nah, they’re okay,” Nick said, sounding unconcerned. “They’re much smaller than they sound. I know they hunt small animals like squirrels and the like, but they tend to stay away from humans.”

  Though assured by Nick’s knowledge, Holly trembled as the coyotes continued to yowl. Sensing her fright, Nick pulled her into his arms. She went willingly. It was comforting to be held by this man she loved, despite the emotional gulf between them. When she was in his embrace, all of her problems, and much of the uncertainty surrounding their relationship, melted away. The coyote yips and barks died down as the sky lightened. The usual array of morning birdcalls filled the cool morning air, taking over where the coyotes had left off.

  Holly didn’t notice at first that Nick had shifted a little. Though one arm was looped lightly around her waist, the other was lightly stroking her silky curls and her back. She started having that familiar warm and tingly feeling reserved for Nick’s touch. When he leaned in to stroke her lips lightly with his, Holly ignored the little voice in her mind that told her they were treading on very treacherous ground. Since they’d both heard the doctor’s admonishment, she wanted to believe they wouldn’t go too far.

  Nick tried to remain aware of her medically prescribed boundaries. For right now, just kissing Holly’s lips, full and pouty with sleep, and caressing her sleep-warmed body under the down-filled duvet was enough. Before Holly had waltzed back into his life the night of the housewarming party, he had been celibate for nearly a year, so a few months of abstinence would be no sweat.

  He was proud of his restraint until he lowered his hands further and brushed them past her hips and toward her inner thighs, slick with the evidence of her desire. Suddenly, the wall he thought he had carefully erected between them crumbled. His body was on overdrive—and more than anything, he wanted to sheath himself in her and slake his savage hunger. Sensing the change between them, Holly was the first to pull away.

  “Nick, the doctor’s orders… ” she said haltingly, her breathing nearly as rapid as his.

  Nick took a deep, shuddering breath trying to calm his thudding heart. “I know I can’t be deep inside you, but I’d like to pleasure you in other ways. It makes me feel good to make you come,” Nick said stroking her again. His penis grew still harder between them, nudging against her thighs as if by design.

  Holly scooted farther toward the edge of the king-size bed. Nick’s hand fell away from her. “I think we’ve got our wires crossed here. The doctor was more explicit with me than with you I guess. It’s not just sex that’s prohibited, Nick; I can’t have an orgasm either. The intensity of the spasms could cause problems for my baby as well.”

  Nick sighed as the enormity of what she said rolled over him. He felt Holly tentatively reach out and grasp his cock. “I think I can… ”

  “No, Holly, please don’t,” Nick said hoarsely, pushing her hand away and getting out of bed abruptly. “I’m sorry, I just need to cool off for a minute,” he said and stalked from the room.

  Holly suddenly felt defeated. The warmth and desire cooled abruptly. She noticed the pressure on her bladder and was glad to get out of bed for one of the three or four trips allowed that day. The light was on in the bathroom, and Holly felt comforted by the fact Nick had left it on for her. She was wholly unprepared for the sight that awaited her. Nick’s outstretched arm braced his nude body against the moss green tile wall of the shower while the other hand moved slowly and deliberately on his erection. Her gasp caught Nick’s attention.

  “I’m sorry,” Nick said, his movements stilling.

  “No, it’s okay,” she said, “I understand.” Her face grew as warm as his, and she was certain as red. Holly almost tripped on her bathrobe’s belt backing out of the room.

  On the one hand, she was extremely aroused by the idea that she could get Nick so hot and bothered, so turned on. On the other, she was overwhelmed with the sacrifice he would have to make over the next few months if they stayed together like this. She could see no better reason for him to turn to a younger, healthier woman to fulfill his obvious needs. Falling back on the pillows in the oversized bed, Holly felt old and neutered. One of the last connections she and Nick had left was gone.

  Holly heard the shower taps squeak to a halt a couple of minutes before Nick came back in the room. As emb
arrassed as she felt, she would have liked nothing more than for the mattress to swallow her whole.

  Nick lay on the other side of the bed, the chasm between them as big as the Pacific Ocean.

  Holly waded into the silence. “Are we okay?”

  Nick reached over and pulled her into his arms. “We’re more than okay,” he said, stroking her hair. “Always.”

  “It’s just that… I can’t imagine what this is like for you,” Holly said miserably. “I can go home if that will be easier.”

  “I’ll be honest. It’ll be hard. No pun intended,” Nick said, chuckling against her hair. “Seriously, I won’t deny it. I get hard thinking about you in my bed, thinking about you naked, thinking about making love with you.” Nick pulled Holly’s hand toward his boxer briefs. She instinctively curled her hand around his semi-hard penis. “And that’s after taking matters into my own hands, so to speak,” he said hoarsely, pulling her hand away from his. “That doesn’t mean that I can’t or wouldn’t be able to control myself around you.” Nick patted her slightly protruding abdomen. “This baby is too important for that.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  After the first few awkward days, they fell into a routine. She would shower in the morning, then they’d watch a movie over breakfast, alternating between her choice and his. Then he went to the studio or worked at home in the afternoons while she read. What started as a fun vacation turned into days of boredom. She couldn’t imagine how she would make it a few more weeks or months on bed rest. She put in a call to her boss. There had to be a way she could balance her work life and having this baby.

  Holly closed her cell phone after the quick conversation. Nick was in the loft, editing. She hated bothering him, but she summoned him after thinking about a month more in bed.