Impasse (L.A. Nights)

by Sylvie Fox

  “Nick,” she called. “Can I ask you for a favor?”

  He came down immediately, his worn jeans pulling tight across his cute little butt.

  “I was just talking to my boss. I think I’m going to try to work a little while I’m on bed rest. I’ll have Sophie bring over my laptop today.”

  “Do you think that’s such a good idea?”

  “I’m going to need to do something, Nick. I’m going out of my mind here.”

  “What’s wrong with the way it’s been going?”

  “I can’t pay my rent by watching movies with you in the morning and reading or napping the afternoon away, Nick.” She paused, getting her temper under control. Damned hormones. “I was going to ask if you could set up a simple wireless system so we could share the internet connection.”

  “Of course I can set that up. I’ll pick up a router at Fry’s tomorrow.”

  “Thanks,” Holly said to his back as he clomped downstairs, grateful that he was willing to do so much for her without question.

  Nick knocked about downstairs for a while. Holly did her best to get comfortable and work through one of the many books friends had sent over, but wishing she had time to read more and actually having the time were two different things. Holly looked up when Nick came back into the room, grateful for the distraction.

  “I have enough money, you know.”

  “Enough for what? I haven’t asked you for anything.” Except your heart, and I haven’t gotten more than a fraction of that. She knew her thought was unfair. He did love her, in his own way, that was clear.

  “I know that. It’s just that you don’t need to work. I make a pretty good living from my films, from Solstice. I can certainly support the both of us while you’re on bed rest and after the baby is born.”

  Holly closed her eyes for a long moment, considering her response. “Thank you, Nick.” It was the best Holly could come up with. It was sincerely a very nice gesture. It just wasn’t what she was looking for from him. She wanted all of him, not his money.

  They sat together for a moment in silence. “You’re not going to take time off work, are you?” he said, matter-of-factly.

  Holly shook her head. “No, Nick. I don’t think I can afford to make that kind of sacrifice right now.”

  “Why? After seeing how much better you seem over the last few days, I think all of your focus should be on providing the best environment and rest for you and the baby.”

  Holly tried not to let her exasperation show. “That’s all fine, but we don’t have any kind of commitment beyond tomorrow, really. Do we?” When Nick didn’t answer, Holly continued. “I’d love to not work while I’m on bed rest, Nick, but I don’t want to spend my savings that way. Maybe I could catch up on all the projects I want to finish or try—like helping some of our organizations with grant proposals, or finally take up knitting little booties, I don’t know. But, honestly, without any commitment, I don’t feel like I could rely on your generosity that way. I don’t really know what will ultimately happen with us or how we’re going to raise our child, but I need to keep planning as if I’m going to raise him or her alone.”

  “You don’t trust me.”

  “Of course I trust you, Nick. I love you. I would trust you with my life. That’s not the issue here. The issue is that I don’t know where we’re going to be—and until you make a decision, I’m not going to change my plans.”

  Their routine changed after that. They both worked mornings, and spent the afternoons together instead. Getting to know him in this more intimate way was both wonderful and heartbreaking. On the one hand, it confirmed all the reasons she had fallen in love with him. He was kind, considerate, funny. On the other hand, the elephant in the living room—the issue of their commitment—didn’t seem to be something he was thinking about. She was afraid of pushing him in case he said this was the end. She wasn’t ready to end it—and she felt she was in no physical condition to add the stress of a breakup to her already fragile and tenuous hold on the pregnancy.

  One night after dinner when they were in bed, Nick seemed more talkative than usual. He turned off the television that had been quietly playing in the background and propped himself up on the pillows, gazing at her.

  “Tell me about your parents.”

  “There’s not much to say,” Holly said matter-of-factly. “They died when I was four, end of story.” Holly did not like to talk about her parents. It brought up the feeling of being set adrift and the pain of longing to belong in a normal family.

  “It sounds like the beginning of the story to me.”

  Holly sighed. “I don’t remember much about my parents, to tell you the truth. They’re more stiffly posing figures in old photographs than real people. They had me late in their marriage. They’d been together for twelve years, married ten, when I came into their lives. And even when I was a toddler, I don’t think they really got used to having a child. After I was born, they continued their twice yearly, month-long vacations around the globe, always leaving me with Nana and Gramps from Thanksgiving until the New Year.

  “Their last trip was to Greece in the late fall, around Thanksgiving. I remember because Nana and I were tracing our hands to make turkeys. They had rented a sailboat to tour the Greek islands, but the weather was rough going that November, and they capsized in an unexpected storm.”

  “You stayed with your grandparents after that?”

  She nodded. “It was touch and go for a while, honestly. My grandparents weren’t sure my parents were dead. I didn’t understand for a long time what was going on, just that I wasn’t ever going home again. After those first few days, or maybe weeks, I don’t remember that well, they gave up hope. From what Gramps told me when I got older, eventually there were no more rescue efforts. And during the retrieval mission—that’s what they call it when they think people are dead, but don’t want to say it—my parents’ remains were never found.”

  “Did you think they were still alive, that they would come back?”

  Holly nodded, averting dampened eyes from Nick’s. “Whenever I thought my grandparents were being too strict, I used to fantasize that my parents would come back and take me home. They never did.”

  “After growing up with my mom and dad, for all those years, I can’t imagine a childhood without them.”

  She shook her head. “Don’t feel sorry for me. I was blessed, Nick, because Nana and Gramps truly loved me, and I them. Sure, it was hard not having a young mom around who understood fashion, who was there when I got my first period or went to the prom. I mean, they were older and died while I was in college, so they weren’t there when I met Drew. There was no one at my wedding to walk me down the aisle, that kind of thing.

  “I certainly had all the material things. It wasn’t the love I missed so much , because they truly cared for me and loved me deeply, you’ve got to understand that. It was just those critical life moments when I felt very lonely. I had to grow up quickly. I was on my own at an early age, and when they passed, I had no one to rely on but myself.”

  “Well, I’m here for you now,” Nick said “We’ve got each other.”

  She stared at him, her mouth gaping. “How can you say that when you’re still deciding on us, on whether or not we truly have a future? Don’t you see how it seems like no matter what I do, someone is leaving me?”

  “But I’m here, Holly. Be fair to me. I’m not Drew,” Nick said.

  “For how long?”

  Nick sighed, clearly exasperated. “You’re not being reasonable. I’m working through this, Holly. I’m trying here.”

  “Trying? There’s a word a girl likes to hear,” she said, her voice escalating. “I’m sorry that being with me is so difficult,” she said quietly, her anger dying as quickly as it had flared up. She tried to swallow the tears that suddenly seemed to gather in her throat.

  “It’s not you, it’s… ”

  Holly closed her eyes, caught in a memory, “Me. Yeah, I know, Drew, we’ve hash
ed it out all before.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  The room was suddenly hushed as they both realized what she said.

  “I’m so sorry,” Holly said, immediately repentant. “I didn’t mean that. I know you’re not him.”

  Abruptly, Nick changed the subject, not looking her in the eye. “What are you hungry for tonight? I thought I’d pick up a salad for you from the Brazilian grill down the hill.”

  Holly was quiet for a long time, trying to decide what it would be best to say. “What are you going to have? I can’t imagine a salad would be enough for you,” Holly said very quietly, leaving the subject of their relationship on the back burner, letting him, and herself, off the hook for now. She looked at the clock Nick had added to the bedside table. “Besides, it’s only two… ”

  “I’m going out for a few hours. I’ll bring back dinner. I’ll work it out, don’t worry,” Nick said with a tender smile. “I shouldn’t be gone more than an hour. Do you want me to have Sophie come over to keep you company?”

  “No, I’m fine,” Holly said. Nick grabbed his keys, wallet, and jacket. She held her breath until she heard the front door close and his car engine start. Then the tears started coming and for several minutes would not stop. As she looked at her growing abdomen, she knew time was running out. What could be so awful about being with her and their baby that Nick couldn’t pull the trigger and make a decision to stay?

  She flipped open her cell and speed dialed Sophie.

  The alarm in her friend’s voice was immediate. “Are you okay? Is there anything wrong with the baby?”

  “No, we’re both fine. I just had the biggest fight with Nick,” Holly said, sniffling.

  “Need me to come over? I’m off strike duty for now.” Sophie’s union was on strike. She spent four hours every morning picketing at different studios.

  “No, I’m all right.” She paused, gathering her strength to tell her friend about the monumental blunder she made. “I called him Drew,” Holly confessed, trying not to cringe at Sophie’s sharp intake of breath. “I’m not even sure how it happened. We were talking about commitment and the baby, and it just slipped out. I didn’t mean anything. I was just frustrated because I feel like I’m in the same boat I was in with Drew, only I’m not even married this time around.”

  Sophie was quiet for a long time. “But he’s not Drew.”

  “My feelings are the same. I feel like I have some repellant that keeps men away.”

  “Holly, a baby, marriage, commitment, whatever are big steps for any guy. I know Nick pushed in the beginning. It’s like he didn’t know what to do with you once he caught you, but you’ve got to cut him a little slack. You may be ready to change your life, but maybe he isn’t ready to change his.”

  “Then we should just go our separate ways, right? Staying here with him is only prolonging the inevitable, isn’t it?” Sophie’s response was non-committal, and Holly let her go when she realized there was the low rumble of a male voice in the background.

  She felt trapped. She wished she could get up, go home this very moment, and nurse her hurt feelings, but the doctor’s orders meant she had to stay put for now.

  Nick slid into a booth at Norm’s Diner on Pico Boulevard. His father was already there, large Coke in hand, straw in mouth, studying a menu he knew by heart. It had remained unchanged for as long as Nick could remember. The red vinyl booth dwarfed his father. Nick tried not to notice that the man he’d looked up to for years appeared smaller than he remembered. Nick pushed aside the plastic covered menu and leaned his elbows on the table. When the waitress came to take their order, they each got their “usual.”

  “So why did you bring me here?” Dominic asked. “I know it’s not for the food. Not that I don’t appreciate the grub, don’t get me wrong.”

  “It’s about Holly.”

  “I figured. Tell me something good.”

  “It is good, Dad, really good. I’m going to ask her to marry me.” Nick sighed, and looked down at his entwined hands. “But I need everything to be just right before I propose to her.”

  Before he could continue, the waitress brought their food. Dominic immediately poured steak sauce on his meat and ketchup on his potatoes. Nick looked at the plate drowned in sauce, and thought the eggs were lucky enough to get away scot free, until his father picked up the picante sauce and started twisting off the cap. Shaking his head, Nick dug into his unadorned Lumberjack breakfast, which amounted to a lot of everything from the breakfast menu on one plate, even though it was three in the afternoon.

  “What’s this about everything being right? You should just ask her already. The girl—excuse me, woman—has waited long enough.”

  “Dad, it’s because she has waited this long that I want to do it right.”

  “I don’t agree with your sense of timing—it’s all screwed up if you ask me—but I’ll help you with whatever you need,” he said, waving away Nick’s protest.

  The two men leaned across the table, their heads almost touching as they pushed aside their half-eaten meals and made their plans.

  Dominic poked his head around the doorjamb and tipped his paint-splattered cap to Holly during the beginning of her third week of confinement. “I’ll try to be as quiet as possible,” he said, by way of greeting. “Nick and I are just finishing up some things on the house.”

  “No need to be quiet on my account. I am not sick. I keep telling Nick that, but he’s been treating me like an invalid,” she said, shaking her head. “Anyway, do what you guys have to do. I know getting work done on this house is important to him,” Holly said graciously. “I’m keeping busy myself.”

  For a couple of days, Nick didn’t do any work in the loft. There was a lot of stuff going on around the house, hammering, banging, painting, and a little cursing. Holly admired the way Nick and his dad could work together, sometimes arguing but mostly laughing. She couldn’t wait until she was well enough to see what they’d done with the rest of the house. She knew Dominic would make her child a wonderful grandfather.

  On the one-month anniversary of her emergency room visit, Holly had an appointment with the obstetrician. Nick had offered to go, but she rebuffed him and asked Sophie to go along instead. Since her best friend had volunteered to be her birth coach, she wanted to keep things consistent. It was too up in the air with Nick for her to begin relying on him.

  After the checkup, Sophie drove Holly back to Nick’s house.

  “What are you going to do? Go home?” That was the question of the hour. Dr. Cole had modified his previous order. Holly was thrilled that she was no longer on strict bed rest. She was still pretty much confined to the house, but she could get up and walk around a little more, as long as she agreed to spend most of the day off her feet.

  “I don’t know. I’m just happy that Dr. Cole modified the order. The bedroom is fine, but I was feeling a little claustrophobic.”

  Nick came to the front door as soon as their car pulled up. He was poised to help Holly out of the car when she surprised him by opening the car door herself and stepping out.

  “What are you doing? Do you want me to help you upstairs?” Nick asked, looking concerned.

  Holly’s face lit up in a smile. “I won’t need you to help me around anymore,” she said doing a small pirouette. “Dr. Cole lightened my sentence. I’m only on ‘house arrest’ right now. I can walk around some.”

  Despite her words, Nick scooped her in his arms and carried her upstairs, placing her gently in a dining room chair. Sophie followed, carrying Holly’s bag. Her friend put the bags on the table and made herself comfortable, while Nick puttered around the kitchen making tea and sandwiches for them.

  When Nick brought the food to the table, Holly and Sophie added cream and sugar to their tea. He tore into the sandwiches, and they ate and drank in silence for a few minutes. Holly put down her tea, and leveled her gaze at Nick. She had decided once and for all. “I’m going home, Nick.”

  He met her gaze with hi
s own. “What exactly did the doctor say?”

  “Dr. Cole said that I was doing much better, and I could walk around a bit as long as I stayed pretty much in the house and sat for most of the day.”

  “I think we need to talk about this before you take such a drastic action.”

  “It’s not ‘drastic,’ Nick. I’m just doing what I should have done four weeks ago. We’ve said all that needs to be said.” The trill of Sophie’s cell phone ring tone broke the tension in the room. Sophie answered the call and cupped her hand around the handset while walking over to the cold fireplace, well out of earshot.

  “Before you go, there’s something I need to show you,” Nick said, his voice rough with emotion. He gently grasped her hand on the table, caressing it with his own.

  Sophie came back to the table, sensing the tension between them. She waved the phone dramatically, “Um, that’s my cue.” She leaned down to grab her bag and bussed Holly on the cheek. “I’ll give you a call later,” she said and bounced out of the room.

  Holly swept her gaze back to Nick’s. “What do you want to show me?”

  He gently guided her upstairs. At the top, Nick opened the door to the second bedroom. Holly gasped, unprepared for the sight before her. Nick had created a nursery more beautiful than her wildest dreams. The walls were a warm yellow, the color of sweet potato flesh.

  Her grandmother’s antique mahogany rocker sat near the French doors, which opened onto a small deck that he’d cleaned and painted. An antique nursery dresser, topped with a changing table, was opposite the rocking chair. Nick had also purchased a new crib.

  Holly sat heavily in the chair, feeling like her legs could no longer hold her.

  Nick knelt beside her, first smoothing her hair, then holding her hands in his. “Where did you get the crib?” Holly asked, not able to think of anything else to say.

  “I know this isn’t from your family. When I was reading about cribs on the internet, though, I realized that new cribs were much safer for babies. This one best matched the furniture you already had. It’s one way we could start a new tradition.