by Rinyu, Beth
I gave myself one last look in the mirror before heading out the door, grabbing my coat on the way out. I was realizing that there were a lot of things that you had to get re-acclimated with after being away from them for several months. Driving was one of them, as I stepped on the gas a little too hard backing out of the driveway and almost crushed my neighbor’s garbage can. I was fortunate to have not hit any traffic and hardly any red lights on my way there.
The fact that my dad was admitted to the same hospital that I was affiliated with was good and bad. Good because I was able to park in the staff parking lot and didn’t have to drive around forever looking for a parking space, that always were few and far between. But also bad because there were too many people who worked there that knew. I was supposed to be away until February and the last thing I felt like doing was taking the time to explain to anyone why I was back. I hurriedly made my way to the fourth floor without being noticed. When I entered my dad’s room, he was lying in bed, half asleep, with the television blasting. I startled him as his eyes opened wider taking a minute to realize it was me, but as soon as he did a huge smile appeared on his face.
“Look, who’s here!” he said as I bent over to hug and kiss him.
He didn’t look sick to me, he had lost a little more weight but fortunately he looked a lot better than I had been expecting.
“Dad, why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, starting to fill up with tears.
“I don’t want to talk about that right now,” he said in a very dismissing tone. I didn’t want to upset him so I decided to obey his wishes.
“I want to hear all about what’s been going on, how was Africa, how is your oncologist friend?” He tapped the chair next to his bed for me to sit down.
“Africa was depressing; you wouldn’t believe all of the sickness over there, Dad, it’s just devastating.”
I decided to tell him about the good parts, the beautiful waterfall, the little kids in the village, and I saved the best for last: Julian. I told him about how he took such good care of me when I was sick, how there was just something about him besides his good looks that I immediately fell for and lastly, how I would probably never see him again.
“Oh, why is that?” he asked.
I explained to him about Julian’s work ethic and how his career came first and foremost, not leaving any time for a relationship.
“Well, Kat, if you really care about each other, then you make time for a relationship,” he said, taking my hand.
I knew he was right and if that had been the only hurdle in the way, then maybe it would be something we could get past. But the fact that he would never be around and even when he was home, he would be in Chicago and I would be in New Jersey, which is still quite a distance for a relationship to overcome. The biggest red flag was that he didn’t want children and that was just something I wasn’t ready to give up for any man. I had always known that I wanted children from a very young age, and now facing the loss of my dad it made me want them even more.
My dad agreed that we would be able to work through each problem, until he heard the last one. “Kat, you are going to make a wonderful mom someday; don’t let anyone deny you that chance,” he said.
“Yeah, well that’s if I ever find a husband to have kids with,” I said.
He raised his eyebrows. “You really care for this guy, don’t you?”
“I really do,” I said, being completely honest with him and myself. “He’s just so caring and easy to talk to.”
“Don’t forget handsome,” my dad joked.
“Oh Dad, he’s beyond handsome. He’s beautiful,” I sighed.
“Well, maybe he’ll start to see things differently,” he said.
“I doubt it, and besides, I really don’t know if he feels the same for me as I do for him,” I said, disappointed.
“How could he not feel the same way, Kat? Everyone who knows you loves you.”
“Well of course you would think that,” I teased.
I walked over to the other side of his bed, checking out his IV to see what medications they had him on.
“Are you in a lot of pain?” I asked.
“Not anymore,” he said as he pointed to his IV bag containing pain medication.
He had declined any radiation or chemotherapy after being told his chances of it having an effect on the cancer were very slim. He wanted to live what time he had left peacefully.
His doctor, walked into the room with his head buried in his chart. “How are you feeling today?” he asked, smiling at my dad.
My dad introduced me as his daughter “the doctor.” I always laughed when he did that, as if he had another daughter somewhere else in another profession. But it made him so proud to say it. I knew that he should be equally proud of himself as well. If it weren’t for him, he wouldn’t have that honor of including that title in his introduction of me.
“Oh, so I finally get to meet Dr. Vallia, whom I have heard so much about,” his doctor said, shaking my hand.
I laughed knowing that he had probably gotten more information than he really cared to hear from my dad, who would just talk endlessly about me, having no regard if the other person wanted to hear it or not.
“Yes, that’s me,” I said apologetically, knowing that this man was probably sick of hearing about me already.
He explained to both my father and me that they wanted to keep him one more night for observation and after that he didn’t see a reason why he couldn’t go home, where he would be comfortable. I cringed knowing that “comfortable” meant living out the rest of his days happily. He confirmed that I would be at ease administering his pain medications. I assured him that I would. He checked my father’s vital signs and his IV before exiting.
I followed him out the door and into the hallway to get a better grasp on my dad’s condition. He explained to me that the type of cancer my father had was rare but very aggressive, spreading to other parts of the body quickly.
“Are you sure that the chemo won’t touch it?” I asked.
“It’s a ten percent chance, and quite frankly I agree with your father to not put him through it,” he answered.
I was hoping that there would be some miracle and he would tell me something different.
“What about the pain meds? What are you prescribing for him to take at home?” I was relentless questioning every possible thing that I could when it came to my dad’s care.
“Well right now, as you know we have him on a morphine drip. Once he gets home he’ll be on a patch. I will explain everything in detail to you before he’s released. Just be there for him, spend as much time as you can with him,” he said, placing his hand on my shoulder. “The important thing is keeping the pain tolerable,” he added.
I shook my head, the whole conversation seeming so surreal. I never thought I would be going through this with my dad. He was always the strong one, the one who always took away my pain. I had to get used to switching the role; something that I knew would be hard for him. He always hated being doted on. The fact that he was dying of cancer wouldn’t change that.
The doctor explained to me that he would give me a clear outline of his medications before he was sent home tomorrow.
I forced the best smile that I could manage before reentering the room, only to find my dad sound asleep. I sat down in the chair next to him. I was a little disappointed I had so much more to tell him. At the same time relieved, I was able to wipe the fake smile off of my face and replace it with the tears that were just waiting to fall.
Chapter 12
I spent the entire day with my dad. We ate lunch together, but I declined any dinner. I sat with him keeping him company while he ate. The food in the hospital was one step up from what I had been eating for the past five months. I decided to wait on dinner until I got home. He was just finishing up eating and I could tell he was getting tired, trying to be polite listening to me babble on.
“Are you getting tired?” I asked.
“Just
a little,” he answered.
“I’m going to go then so you can get some rest,” I said. He must have really been drained because he didn’t even try and argue with me about it.
I checked his IV one last time, making sure that he had enough medication in there to get him through most of the night. I kissed him lightly on the head saying goodbye.
I wrapped my coat tightly around me. The temperature seemed to have dropped immensely from this morning as I walked out into the darkness. I didn’t want to go home yet. I didn’t feel like being alone. I sat with the car idling, thinking of where to go. I finally decided I would pay Charles and Claire a quick visit to try to lift my spirits.
I arrived at Charles and Claire’s house. They lived ten minutes from me, in the town of Cape May. It was a quaint little Victorian seashore town with tree-lined streets. It consisted of everything from grand Victorian bed-and-breakfasts resembling mansions to adorable little gingerbread-style homes. They were all in an array of different colors looking like they were plucked right out of a fairy tale. I parked on the street. The summer crowds were gone so parking wasn’t an issue. It was hard for me to pinpoint when my favorite time of year was in this town. I loved the spring because the beautiful gardens were just starting to bloom with tulips and daffodils. Summertime went without saying because of the beach. This was where I had found myself spending most of my summer days, whenever possible. Autumn was always a little quieter with all of the summer crowds gone. They would hold lovely fall festivals as the green leaves on the trees that lined the streets became adorned with vibrant shades of orange, yellow, and red. In the winter the little town would come alive once again with loads of people shopping in the quaint little shops that filled the three-block pedestrian mall all decked out in Christmas lights. The bed-and-breakfasts became spectacular light displays on the outside. The insides were precisely decorated, true to the Victorian era. The clopping of the horse-drawn carriages in the distance made you feel like you were in a Dickens novel. I had noticed that some Christmas lights were starting to appear and within the next two weeks the entire town would be lit up to prepare for the Thanksgiving weekend.
I parked in front of Charles and Claire’s house, which happened to be one of those adorable gingerbread types. I would normally never just pop in on anyone but with Charles and Claire I never felt uncomfortable doing so. Claire opened the front door, seeing me coming before I even made it up the steps of their big front porch.
“What a nice surprise,” she said, giving me a hug.
I walked into their cozy little home that felt just as comfortable to me as my own. Their house was just as adorable on the inside as it was on the outside. It was decorated in blue and yellow schemes which gave it a very beach like feel, keeping the Victorian style at the same time. I was envious of Claire’s knack for decorating. She missed her calling as an interior decorator. They had the fireplace going in the living room and the strong smell of apple pie came from the candle that she had lit on the mantle.
“Charles is just getting ready, we were going to get a quick bite to eat,” she said, insisting that I come. It didn’t take much persuasion; I was starving.
I explained to her I had just got back from spending the day with my dad and couldn’t bring myself to go home yet. She shook her head, completely understanding where I was coming from. Charles came down the stairs as I finished giving Claire an update on my father. Charles was casually dressed in jeans and a long-sleeve polo shirt, looking just as happy to see me as Claire had been.
“Look who’s here,” he said, walking over to give me a kiss.
“You look happy to be home,” I said, just seeing the glimmer in his eye. He smiled and nodded.
They grabbed their coats and we headed outside. We took the short three-minute walk to the casual pub-style restaurant that was right up the street from their house. I filled Charles in about my dad along the way. We arrived at the restaurant, which was like a ghost town compared to the usual line of people who were normally waiting for seats during the summer. We were seated immediately, much to my appreciation, as my stomach had been growling the whole walk over. I scrutinized the menu several times, wanting to make the right choice. This was my first real meal since coming back. I ended up just going with a burger and fries.
We continued talking about my dad. Charles wanted to make sure that I would be okay taking care of him when he was home. I told him there was no doubt in my mind that I could do it. But still he offered to come over and help if it started to get too much for me. Claire must have sensed my unease talking about my dad and the cancer. She changed the subject completely.
“So Kat, Charles said you really didn’t care for the trip,” Claire said.
“It’s not that I didn’t like it, it’s just not my type of thing.” I said.
“I could imagine that it would be depressing,” Claire said.
“Well you certainly wouldn’t go there for vacation,” Charles added.
“I don’t know, that waterfall was pretty spectacular,” I said, wanting to take my words back immediately. I forgot I had never told Charles about that day.
“Waterfall?” Charles seemed puzzled.
I began to backpedal trying to cover my tracks as I downplayed the day to Charles and Claire. I lied, telling them that it was just a little waterfall on the way to the other village that Julian had quickly stopped off at to show me.
“I never saw a waterfall on the way to the other village,” Charles said.
“Oh, I don’t know,” I said, playing dumb as I took a bite from my burger that had just arrived.
“Who is Julian?” Claire asked inquisitively. I watched as Charles raised his eyebrows waiting for my reaction.
“Oh just some doctor that I met over there,” I said, making it so obvious that he was more than just some doctor.
Charles began giving all the details to Claire about Julian. He told her about him being a very successful pediatric oncologist, how he and I had become very close over the last few months, and lastly how he had warned me about someone like him.
“Does he happen to be handsome?” Claire asked.
“Well kind of,” I said as I looked at Charles. He was raising his eyebrows again at me in disbelief. “Yes, he is very handsome,” I finally conceded.
“How did I guess that?” Claire said as she began to laugh.
“Well, I don’t get it, if he is young, successful, and good-looking, why on earth would you warn Kat about him?” Claire asked Charles, sounding displeased.
It was if I were listening to a broken record hearing Charles explain to Claire exactly what he had said to me that night in the cafeteria. He reminded her of how tough it was for the two of them when he was so wrapped up in his job. Claire listened to Charles but I could tell she was not in agreement. She waited until he had gone into the bathroom to say anything.
“Kat, you do what makes you happy.”
“I know, but that’s just a lost cause now anyway.”
“Why?” she asked, confused.
“Because it just is,” I said, not wanting to talk about it anymore.
She looked at me as if she knew I wasn’t happy with that decision. She ended the topic of conversation there anyway. I gathered she sensed that it was a sensitive subject for me.
We finished eating. For the first time in a long time, I finished everything on my plate, right down to the last French fry. We arrived back at Charles and Claire’s house after the short walk home. I declined Claire’s offer of a cup of coffee. I was beginning to feel very sleepy. I hugged them both and got into my car. I still could not get used to the cold as I sat waiting for the heat to kick in before driving off.
I walked into the dark house, immediately turning on all the lights trying to chase away the loneliness I felt. I put on my nice warm sweatpants that I had laid on my bed from this morning. I jumped on the couch curling up under a warm soft blanket. I flicked through the channels settling on reruns of Seinfeld to try to li
ghten my mood. I was finally starting to relax for the first time since being home when I was startled by the phone. I looked up at the clock—it was a little after nine. My stomach dropped as the first thing that came to mind was my dad. I ran to the phone. I looked at the caller ID that was registering as “unavailable.” I picked up the phone afraid of what to expect on the other end.
“Hello,” I answered anxiously.
“Kat?”
I got butterflies in my stomach, recognizing the familiar voice on the other end. “Julian,” I said, actually hearing the happiness coming from my own voice. I quickly calculated the time in my head. There was a six-hour time difference, which meant it was after 3 a.m. there. “What are you still doing up?”
“I just got done working,” he said. “How are you? How is your dad?” he asked in a concerned tone.
I told him everything that had happened and what my father’s doctor had said. When I told him my dad’s chances of survival with the chemo or radiation treatments, he concurred with my dad’s doctor that it wasn’t worth putting him through. It didn’t make me feel any better but it put my mind at ease, hearing it confirmed by Julian. I told him that my dad would be coming home tomorrow so he could be comfortable. I felt a lump in my throat knowing the message I was trying to convey. He listened intently as I continued.
“I’m really sorry, Kat,” he said.
I thanked him for taking the time to call. He had no idea how much hearing the sound of his voice meant to me. Then I scolded him for being up so late, he just laughed telling me that he didn’t need sleep. We talked for some time. I felt like I was beginning to enter the land of the living. I asked him about Tau. He quickly gave me an update saying that he would be ready for surgery next week. He didn’t elaborate. He seemed to be more interested in what was going on with me than what was going on over there, making me feel a little special. I looked at the clock realizing that we had been talking for almost an hour. I didn’t want the phone call to end. I couldn’t ignore the fact that it was almost 4 a.m. his time and instead of sleeping he was on the phone with me.
