Outback Heart

by Palmer, Fiona

  ‘That’s cool. See ya soon.’

  Last year with the Eagles had been Freddie’s best yet and he’d taken Troy to the Brownlow Medal night. Out of all his family and friends, he’d chosen to take Troy. Troy had been chuffed. Freddie had come second in the vote count, but to Troy he was already a winner. Some days he’d wondered if he’d ever have been as good as Freddie. But Freddie said he was only this good because he’d taken Troy’s spirit for the game with him. He was like two players in one. Troy knew he only said that to make him feel better, but it worked.

  Troy went and got a beer out of the fridge and sat down on the couch. Yep, life was great.

  Two days later he was woken up by the shrill ring of his telephone. He must have fallen asleep while studying. It took him a while to figure out who was calling. He’d just assumed it was Peta ringing to say they were on their way home.

  ‘Troy, Peta’s on her way to hospital.’

  ‘What? Who’s this?’ he asked, shaking himself awake.

  ‘It’s me, Lila. I’m on my way back, behind the ambulance. They’re taking Peta to Royal Perth now.’ Her voice was pure panic.

  ‘What happened?’ Troy was picturing her gashing her head after too many drinks or being attacked by a shark while surfing.

  ‘It’s her heart. They think her body might be rejecting it.’

  Troy dropped his phone. He could hear Lila’s tiny voice murmuring from the phone but he was frozen with fear. How could this be happening? She was taking her meds and she’d been so healthy.

  ‘Troy!’ Lila screamed. Shaken, he picked up the phone. ‘Troy?’

  ‘I’ll be there,’ he replied. Then he hung up. What did he do now? Did he need to take anything? How long till she got to the hospital? Troy felt like his body was trying to tear off in a thousand different directions – one part to the car, one to pack stuff, one to throw up. He was falling apart.

  He managed to grab his car keys and drive to the hospital. He couldn’t remember if he’d locked the house or even if he indicated at that last turn. He made it to the hospital without driving through a red light or sideswiping another car.

  Troy looked up at the huge hospital, a place he never thought he’d return to, not like this. He knew his way, his feet guiding him to the waiting area. He searched the face of every nurse, looking for a familiar one. ‘Sharon,’ he called with relief when he finally recognised the clinical nurse. ‘They’re bringing Peta here. Have you heard anything?’ The mention of Peta’s name rang a bell and her eyes widened.

  ‘Troy? What’s going on?’

  ‘I was told Peta’s rejecting her heart, that they were bringing her here. Do you know anything?’

  Sharon put the pen back in her shirt pocket and rested her hand on Troy’s arm. ‘I’ll go check. You sit.’

  Troy stumbled back into a chair and waited. He remembered Peta telling him how waiting was worse than going through the surgery – now he finally understood.

  He heard the clomping of rushed footsteps, and he turned to see Peta’s parents hurrying towards him.

  ‘Oh, Troy, is she here yet?’ Peta’s mum, Lauren, dashed to his side, her hands clamping onto his arms like a wheel lock. Her raven hair streaked with grey was up in a bun. She was still in her work uniform. Peta’s dad, Ross, looked equally shaken. He rubbed his eyes and ran through his hands through his hair. The couple was a picture of anguish. It seemed so wrong that Peta and her family were going through this again.

  Ross sat down on the other side of Troy, his shoulders hunched, elbows on his knees. He could pass as one of the doctors in his work slacks and crisp shirt. That crisp shirt would be creased and stained with coffee by the end of the day.

  ‘Sharon is seeing what she can find out. Did Lila ring you?’

  Lauren nodded.

  ‘What happened, did she say?’ Troy wanted – no, he needed – to know how his bright energetic girl had spiralled into heart failure so unexpectedly. It just didn’t seem possible. He was half expecting them to wheel in a girl who wasn’t Peta after all. It would all be a big mistake.

  ‘No. She was driving and couldn’t really talk. We just have to wait for her.’

  And so they did. Sharon came back five minutes later to say Peta’s ambulance was almost at the hospital.

  ‘Her heart’s failing. She’s going to need a new heart,’ Sharon explained.

  Troy heard the words but it was as if he wasn’t in the room. He didn’t even feel like he was in his own body. He felt like he was a wisp of smoke spiralling around the top of the room. Their life was perfect – why had this happened? Why Peta? Were they too happy?

  Twenty painfully long minutes later, Peta was wheeled in, Lila tagging along beside her, white as a sheet.

  Lauren’s chair squeaked as she rose. Automatically they all followed.

  Peta gave them a smile. ‘I’m okay,’ she said, trying to ease their pain. She was always trying to put everyone else first. Troy wanted to barge his way through, to hold her hand in his, to kiss her lips and reassure her that everything would be okay. But would it?

  Sharon held out her arms to stop the family as they took Peta away. ‘Let them get her settled in first, okay?’

  Troy felt a magnetic pull towards Peta. His body vibrated, and it took all his effort not to go to her.

  ‘Tell us everything, Lila, please,’ Ross begged.

  They all gathered around her, afraid to miss a word.

  ‘She seemed fine when she left,’ said Troy. He didn’t mean for it to come out accusingly.

  Lila nodded. ‘And she was, Troy. When we got there she was a little tired but it was a big drive and that’s not unusual. The next day we headed off early – Peta was adamant she had to surf at Margaret River. I think she joked about ticking it off her bucket list. And we did that, but afterwards she came out saying that the waves were bigger than she was used to, that she was finding it too hard. We moved on to some wineries.’ Lila paused, straining to think. ‘We did some walking around the shops and she need to stop for a rest. I swear, I didn’t think anything of it and she wasn’t fazed. That night she went to bed early feeling a little unwell and said it must have been the wine. She was taking her medication,’ Lila said, as a tear slipped down her cheek.

  ‘It wasn’t until lunchtime the next day that I commented that she still seemed really tired. I asked if maybe she was pregnant.’ Everyone turned to Troy, but it was wishful thinking in their eyes, not shock. If only it were as simple as a baby.

  Lila continued, ‘Peta laughed. I didn’t realise she couldn’t have kids. But then she said she hadn’t been feeling that great and maybe she should see a doctor. So we went later that afternoon. Peta was even finding it hard to walk then, and the next thing I know, the doctor’s telling me he’s got an ambulance coming for Peta.’ Lila’s face crumpled as more tears threatened to spill. ‘Maybe if I’d been able to get her to the doctor sooner . . .’

  ‘No, Lila. Don’t go there,’ said Ross. His voice was shaky; he was trying to keep it together. So was Troy. He didn’t want to go in looking all doom and gloom when he got to see Peta. She had never been like that for him – she’d always been so bright and made him smile. He wanted to be a pillar of strength for her.

  ‘You can come and visit her now, but not for too long, she’s very tired,’ Sharon said.

  ‘I’ll wait here,’ said Lila.

  Lauren grabbed Ross with one hand, and reached out for Troy with her other. ‘Come on.’ He took it and together they hurried to her room.

  She was sitting up in her bed, tubes and monitors all around her. Troy had never felt like breaking down and crying so badly before. To see his little angel strapped up in bed and looking so weak, it was sheer agony. But he smiled using every ounce of strength he had, he smiled just for her. ‘Hey, beautiful.’ It was all he could get out before his voice would give away just how close he was to the edge.

  ‘Darling, how are you feeing?’ said Lauren. Peta wiggled her fingers and they all re
ached for her hands. He pulled up a chair as close as he could and bent his head, holding her hand against his cheek, feeling the smoothness of her skin.

  ‘I’m okay, Mum. Don’t worry,’ said Peta.

  ‘Have the doctors said anything, sweetie?’ said Ross.

  ‘Just that it’s too late. My heart isn’t responding to any of the drugs. My only option is a new donor.’ Peta said it so bravely, as if she wasn’t aware that donor hearts were rare and that she might not live to see it arrive. But Peta knew all too well what it meant. He knew she was being brave so they could all stay strong. It was supposed to be the other way around.

  ‘It will be all right. They can come quickly. You’re meant to be with me,’ he said, leaning over to kiss her. It was the sweetest, softest kiss. ‘I love you,’ he whispered.

  She grinned at him. ‘Love you, too.’

  They stayed by her side until she tried to send them home. No one wanted to leave but Lauren and Ross went home to change and organise a few things while Troy waited until they got back. It continued like this for a few days, living in the hospital, surviving on coffee and vending machine snacks. Troy took time off uni, he tried to study by Peta’s bed but he couldn’t concentrate, and he didn’t care how he went. Nothing else seemed to matter. Each morning he became that person, the one who trawled through the papers and watched the morning news, checked updates on his phone, waiting for an accident, waiting for a heart.

  Troy got no pleasure from the morning light that came through onto the back patio of Dean’s house where he used to drink his morning coffee with Peta. He hated going home to an empty house, and an empty bed. He hadn’t even called his parents to tell them – he didn’t know how or even if he could get the words out. Part of him still expected a heart to arrive any day and there’d be no reason to tell anyone. A part of him didn’t want his mum to rush down to be with him. One day it could be him. He didn’t want them to go through this twice. They’d been through enough.

  The days inched by and Peta deteriorated. Troy would walk into that room, forcing a smile to hide the pain and worry of seeing her so fragile. He knew Peta wasn’t going to make it much longer without a new heart. They saw lots of deaths in the papers but none of the deceased were donors. It felt so wrong to be wishing someone to die, but he wanted Peta to live. He needed her. He loved her. He was going to marry her.

  ‘Peta, baby?’ he said as he held her hand. He stretched his fingers out to gently caress her cheek, so pale, so sickly. Her eyes flicked open. Inside her dying body her soul still shone brightly. ‘You know you’ll get a heart right? You know how I know?’ She moved her head to show she was listening. ‘Because we’re going to be together forever.’ Troy pulled out the little box from his pocket, opened it and rested it on his hand for her to see. ‘Will you marry me, Peta?’

  He watched a tear roll down her cheek.

  ‘I’ve had this ring for a while now. I’ve been trying to think up the most perfect way to ask you and then I thought, why wait?’ He glanced around the hospital room. ‘We met here and this hospital has been a place of miracles for us both. We don’t need a fancy romantic setting because we already have it. I fell in love with you in this hospital so it only seems right to ask you to marry me here.’ She smiled weakly as more tears rolled to her pillow.

  ‘So what do you say, my beautiful girl? Will you put me out of my misery and say you’ll marry me?’

  He tried to tell himself that he’d asked Peta to marry him to give her strength to go on, not because he was worried she wouldn’t make it and never know how much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

  ‘Oh Troy,’ she whispered.

  Troy’s chest swelled with pride as he watched Peta lift herself up. She reached for his face, caressing his cheek. ‘Yes, a thousand times, yes.’

  He took her hand in his and lent over to kiss her. ‘You’ll never regret it,’ he said with a smile as he gazed into her eyes. Her body was failing her but Peta’s spark was still there in her eyes. Using his thumb he brushed away the last of her tears and then held her hand to his lips. He kissed her ring finger and slipped the ring on. ‘I’ll leave this right here where you can see it.’

  Peta gazed at the simple diamond ring.

  Just seeing her smile lifted his spirits. She was so strong, such a fighter. He knew she’d live. Leaning over, he kissed her lips. Peta was so beautiful.

  ‘I love you, Troy.’

  ‘I love you, too. Now get some rest.’ He tucked back her hair.

  She swallowed and winced. ‘More water.’

  ‘Sure, Mrs Mitchell.’ Troy went to fill up her cup but the jug was empty. ‘I’ll be right back.’ He had hardly made it down the passage when an alarm went off. It wasn’t until some nurses ran past him that his heart plummeted. He dropped the plastic jug to the floor with a thud. He sprinted after the nurses down the corridor. He was gone before the jug bounced again.

  He ran like a cheetah with long lean strides. He had no feeling – his mind consumed with the fear that they were rushing to Peta. At the door to her room it was confirmed. Nurses and a doctor were working on her. He knew he should ring her parents, but he was frozen. They’d laid her down and were getting ready to use the defibrillator. Someone shouted ‘clear’ and Peta’s body jumped.

  Troy squeezed his eyes shut. ‘Please god, don’t let her die,’ he whispered. ‘Not my Peta.’ They had plans . . .

  Dr Kaitlyn looked across to the monitor and then glanced to Troy. ‘She’s back with us, for the time being,’ she added. ‘You might want to let her parents know.’

  Troy raced out to the waiting room to ring Lauren and Ross. Lauren answered but when Troy began to tell her what had happened he heard the phone drop with a loud clang, followed by her sob. Ross came on the line and Troy explained that they’d brought her back. ‘We’re on our way,’ Ross said. The horror that had been in their voices, the sob he’d heard from Lauren, the memory of Peta as the defibrillator rattled her poor body, it was all too much. Troy sank to the floor. He narrowly missed hitting himself on the chair as his tears overflowed like a bursting dam bank. He’d suppressed it for as long as he could. He crunched over, clamping his mouth shut to keep his agonising sobs to himself.

  He wasn’t sure how long he’d cried, but he felt a hand on his shoulder at some stage, tissues being handed to him.

  ‘She needs you, Troy.’ The voice belonged to Sharon. Troy cleaned up his face before he turned to her. ‘And that’s a beautiful ring you got Peta. It’s the first thing she looked at.’

  ‘Thanks,’ he mumbled. She helped him up, his shirt wet with tears. Sharon walked with him back to Peta’s room, leaving once he was settled in a chair beside her bed. He pulled her hand into his, kissed each of her fingers and then held them against his face. ‘Your folks are on their way.’ He didn’t know what else to say. ‘I love you so much, Peta.’ He would tell her that every minute of every day if it helped to give her the strength to carry on.

  Ross and Lauren practically ran into her room, puffing as if they’d sprinted the whole way. As Lauren went to her side Ross approached Troy and placed his hand on his shoulder. ‘How is she?’

  ‘Alive.’ It came out as a whisper.

  ‘We heard on the radio as we came in that there was an accident on the Kwinana Freeway and that there were two serious injuries and a fatality. This might be it,’ he said, his voice full of hope.

  But the victim of the accident wasn’t a donor, and Peta Lucy Wallace passed away the following morning as the first rays of sunlight spread through her room.

  Troy had never known such grief. He watched it pour out of Peta’s family and friends. So much sadness, so much pain. How could he go on?

  His mum rang him that night to see how his exams had gone. He’d missed the last few. Just hearing his mum’s voice made him break down again. He cried like a baby, his mum crying on the other end for him, for his pain. He wanted her to hold him, tell him it was just a bad dream. He wanted his
Peta back.

  His parents and Gerry came down for the funeral. So many people, spilling out like a sea of black. Hundreds had come to pay their respects. Freddie even managed to get a leave pass from the club. He was going to wear a black armband for Peta at the next game, but Troy was hardly listening. All he could do was think about Peta’s loved ones left behind. The pain, the sadness, the emptiness. What if he was next? What if this was him in a year? Loving people was just too hard.

  As he watched Lauren and Ross cling together in their grief, he knew he didn’t want that for his parents. He couldn’t bear the thought that they’d have to go through this. He needed to go away so he couldn’t hurt people. He didn’t want the ones he loved to suffer. They were all better off not knowing him. Troy decided he needed to fade off into the distance, where he couldn’t hurt anyone as much as Peta’s death had hurt him.

  After the wake, he’d done just that.

  25

  INDI drove to Troy’s house the following morning. She was nervous but she was still angry as well. She wanted to be near him, Grace or no Grace. Maybe she’d get some answers today.

  It was just a daytrip to Perth. Troy had told her they would be home by late afternoon. She didn’t need to pack or think about staying a night alone with Troy. The confinement of his ute for six hours would be hard enough.

  Indi got into his ute without a word. She’d worn her skinny jeans and knee-high boots, along with a black woollen long-sleeve top. The forecast for Perth was cold but dry.

  Troy had been waiting for her. He offered her coffee from his thermos.

  She hesitated a few seconds until the smell won her over and she accepted it. She took a sip and sighed. Just how she liked it. ‘Don’t think this is helping you get back in my good books,’ she said.

  It didn’t help that Troy smelt delicious and that any man bearing coffee was a god in her eyes. But that didn’t stop her from refusing to make conversation for the whole trip, except to ask him to pull over in Corrigin for a toilet stop. She listened to his music, turning it up to make sure there was no room for conversation, and spent the whole time looking out the window. Every now and then the light would be in the right spot so that she could see his reflection, and she could study Troy. It reminded her of their kiss. She could feel her face flush with the memory. Indi had never felt like this before, so deeply affected. She wanted more of Troy. She knew he had enjoyed kissing her too, so why had he run to Grace? There were a million questions in her mind but she didn’t want to start anything with Troy when she couldn’t escape his ute. It was uncomfortable enough already.