Outback Heart

by Palmer, Fiona

  ‘Hey, Trevor, time for me to take you home before my car turns into a pumpkin,’ she said. Allan had been chatting with Trevor and stood to help him up.

  ‘Yeah, you’re probably right, Indi. I am feeling a bit tired. I’ll catch up with you later, Allan.’

  ‘Right you are, Trev.’

  Indi helped Trev to her ute and drove him home.

  ‘That was the best game I’ve seen in a long time, Indi. You should be proud.’

  ‘I am. They played with courage, didn’t they?’

  Trevor rubbed his eyes and yawned. ‘I hope Troy stops by tomorrow for a chat again. I like his Sunday visits.’

  ‘Oh, he’s still coming by?’

  ‘Yep, like clockwork. Nice fella.’

  How could she not love a man who valued someone like Trevor?

  ‘He would be a perfect match for you, Indi. I’ll ask him what’s taking so long.’

  ‘Okay, I think you are well and truly ready for bed,’ she said. Although she did hope that Trev would give Troy a serve. She wished she could be a fly on the wall for that, but knowing her luck Trev would have forgotten about it by the morning.

  Back at the club, Indi worked her way through the crowd of people, searching for Troy. She spotted him in the back corner near the change rooms. Before she lost her nerve she made her way towards him, her insides fizzing like a shaken can of Coke.

  When Troy glanced up and saw her making a beeline for him, he paused. She saw the panic flicker across his eyes.

  ‘Hey, Phil, Bob. Great game, hey,’ she said to his companions.

  ‘Bloody awesome game, Indi. You guys have done well,’ Phil said before pausing to drain the dregs of his beer. ‘You and Yoda make a great team. I hope you’ll both be back to coach next year,’ he said with a nod.

  Troy didn’t reply so Indi answered. ‘We’re not going anywhere, Phil.’ Well, she certainly wasn’t.

  ‘Good to hear. Can I get you a drink?’ he asked. ‘Bob, Yoda?’

  They all accepted and Phil and Bob moved towards the bar. Indi turned to Troy, knowing she probably looked too serious. It was now or never.

  30

  ALARM bells were ringing in his head, like a submarine preparing to dive. If only he could find somewhere to take cover. Part of him was relieved that Indi didn’t want to give up on him; the other part just wished she wouldn’t make life so difficult.

  ‘I’ve been wanting to talk to you, Troy.’ She stood close beside him, as if ready to grab him in case he ran away. And he did want to run. He scanned the room, looking for an escape or an excuse to leave. ‘It’s no good running away. You know I’ll keep chasing you. Would you like me to cause a scene, run after you screaming? Because I can,’ she said. Indi had a cute little smirk and it made him forget what she’d just said. ‘You can’t keep ignoring me. What’s going on, Troy? Why were you really flown to Royal Perth?’

  Troy stared at his hand, which gripped his empty stubby. He wondered what she’d do if he refused to answer? What kind of scene could she cause? he wondered.

  ‘Does this have anything to do with the pills you’ve been taking?’

  He jerked his head up to meet her gaze, patient and kind. ‘Why is it so important for you to know my secrets?’ he asked.

  Indi leaned in. She smelt fresh like the crisp night air mixed in with sweet lavender. ‘Because I care and I want to help. Did you have anyone with you at the hospital?’

  Troy shook his head. No. The last thing he’d do was let his loved ones know he was back in hospital.

  ‘Then why didn’t you ring me? Let me in, Troy. Please,’ she begged.

  It was the begging that twisted his heart inside out.

  Her fingers wrapped around his arm, warm and electrifying. He felt his body tense. She wasn’t fighting fair.

  ‘Please?’

  Maybe if she knew the truth then she wouldn’t want to be with him, he wouldn’t have to fight her off. Maybe she’d go running for the hills? Maybe that’s what scared him too? Troy rubbed his temples. Man, he was so mixed up.

  ‘All right,’ he mumbled. ‘But not here. I’ll meet you out at my ute in five. It’s towards the netball courts,’ he said. His heart was racing at the very thought of being alone with her again.

  He turned and walked away, heading for the side exit. Outside, kids were running around the play equipment. As he headed to his ute the cold night air reminded him of their first kiss. Heck, everything reminded him of Indi, the huge white wheat bins, every goddamn train that came to town, his ute, his bloody coffee table, his bed and even his footy whistle. He could connect her to just about everything in his world and it drove him nuts.

  When Indi climbed into his ute minutes later she passed over a beer. ‘From Phil.’

  ‘Ah, cool. Thanks.’ He took it but couldn’t bring himself to open it yet for fear he’d drink it in one gulp, so he put it on the floor.

  ‘So, where do you want to start?’ she asked softly.

  He shrugged. Troy was busy still trying to gather his senses, which she’d stolen the moment she sat in his ute.

  Indi leaned over and slipped her hand between the buttons on his shirt. They went straight to his long scar. ‘Maybe you could tell me how you got this?’

  Troy would have laughed if her fingers weren’t driving him so crazy. He grabbed her hand and pulled it away. She must have thought this was something small, a scar he’d got as a kid, maybe from coming off a motorbike or a car accident. She had no idea.

  ‘That is the source of my problems, Indi.’

  ‘Huh?’ she said, her hand back in her lap, but she was still far too close. He might not have been able to see her clearly in the dark but his body was well aware of where she was.

  ‘I was seventeen when I was told my heart was failing, then I had a lifesaving device put in, and then three months after that I had a heart transplant.’

  The silence was broken only by their breathing.

  ‘Oh.’ More silence. ‘So the pills?’ Indi asked, her voice quiet.

  ‘Are immunosuppressants and heart drugs. They stop my body from rejecting the donor heart and the others keep it strong and healthy. I’ll be taking them for the rest of my life.’

  ‘Oh. Wow, Troy. I never imagined. Is this why you can’t play football?’

  He nodded as she reached across for his hand, giving it a squeeze. He allowed it, taking pleasure in her warmth and comfort. If only for this one last time.

  ‘And why you went to Perth? Were there problems?’

  ‘I had a virus, which was making me sick and slow. The symptoms were similar to heart failure. It was more of a precaution than anything. A virus is how I ended up with Viral Cardiomyopathy in the first place. I guess I panicked a bit, and so did everyone else.’

  ‘My god, you should have called me. I can’t believe you went through all that on your own. Your parents must have been so worried.’

  And there it was, his reason. ‘They don’t know. That’s how I like it, Indi. Now you know, and now you see why we could never be . . . anything,’ he said, his throat tightening.

  Indi laughed. ‘Seriously, you think I’d run just because you’ve had a heart transplant? I’m not like that, Troy. You can’t scare me off that easily.’

  ‘You don’t get it, Indi,’ he growled. ‘I may not live past next year. The next time I get flown out in the RFDS plane, I might not come back.’

  He knew he’d shocked her with his anger. Her hand gripped his. ‘That doesn’t matter to me, Troy. I already care about you, I want to be with you.’

  ‘You don’t know what you’re saying,’ he said gruffly and shook her hand off. ‘It’s not all rosy, and life’s not perfect. I thought life would work out, too. I had Peta and it was all planned out. But then she died.’ He paused, trying to control his emotions. It still hurt. ‘That’s how we met, in hospital. She already had her new heart and she walked me through getting mine. I thought we would be invincible. But life isn’t fair – it’s fucked. I wa
tched her life fade away while we waited for another donor for her,’ Troy said as a tear rolled down his cheek. ‘I will never forget the waiting, the pain of watching her slip away from me.’

  Indi moved towards him but he put up his hand to stop her. He sniffed but refused to acknowledge his tears. ‘The day we buried her I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let anyone go through what I went through. I couldn’t bear to watch her parents grieve; I didn’t want that for my family. I thought, what if I’m next? I already knew what it was like, waiting for a heart, my mum reading every paper looking for accidents and deaths, watching the one you love slowly die. I couldn’t put them through that again. They are better off not knowing me. You are better off not knowing me.’

  ‘Troy, that’s a lot of pain to carry around.’ Indi swiped at her face. He didn’t need to see her tears to know she’d been crying, her voice gave her away. ‘I can’t believe you’ve been through so much. I’m so sorry, about Peta. I can’t even imagine . . .’ She couldn’t finish, and Troy was glad. He’d heard it all before.

  ‘So, now you know my story. This is why I’ll never be with you, Indi.’

  ‘You don’t mean that, Troy. You’re not just hurting everyone who loves you but you’re hurting yourself. I know you think you’re protecting me, but I want to be with you, regardless. You can’t make that choice for me,’ she said firmly.

  ‘I can. I don’t want to be with you. We’re in the finals and I’ll see it through till the end but after that I’m handing in my notice and I’m moving on.’

  ‘Troy Mitchell, you can’t be serious?’ she said, her voice slightly elevated. ‘You think you can just keep running? That’s not a life. You’re not protecting anyone that way.’

  ‘I’m doing it for you, Indi, before it’s too late. You deserve a better life, a full one.’

  ‘Damn you, Troy. It’s already too late. I’m already in love with you, and you’re already hurting me, so what’s the difference?’ she said angrily.

  Troy leaned forward on the steering wheel. She loved him! Those words filled him with elation. He felt a smile wanting to break free but he pushed it back. This was what he’d been trying to avoid all along.

  ‘I’m not changing my mind, Indi. You’ll thank me for it later.’ He turned to face her. ‘Now, if you don’t mind hopping out, I think I’ll head home.’

  ‘You can’t just get rid of me like that. I love you, Troy. Did you hear me?’ Indi’s voice got stronger.

  ‘I heard you, but it doesn’t change anything. Can you get out, please?’ He kept his voice calm.

  She waited motionless, as if expecting him to change his mind. But he kept his eyes forward, his mind set while every fibre of his being just wanted to hold her. ‘Please, get out.’ He sounded as deflated as he felt.

  ‘Fuck you,’ she said, reaching for the door handle while her painful words echoed in his mind, over and over.

  He started his ute, she slammed the door. He would rather have her hate than her love. She stood outside, her arms wrapped around her body, and as he backed out the ute lights showed her tear-stained cheeks. Indi was gorgeous and as much as it near killed him to drive away, he did it. All the way home he told himself he was doing the right thing. She would be better off without him.

  31

  INDI hadn’t complained when she had to spend time working out at Pingaring cleaning the boot pits after all the rain. She was working with Wazza, and for once his constant chatter didn’t annoy her. She welcomed the repeated stories, like unceasing talkback radio keeping her mind busy.

  ‘Pump on its way down,’ Wazza yelled from the top of the boot pit, his voice gravelly from years of smoking.

  She stood back, her gumboots sloshing through the stinky water that covered piles of mouldy grain. The smell wasn’t as bad as it could be. A few more days and it would be stomach churning. Once they’d sucked out the water they’d clean out the wet grain. Wazza’s face appeared in the light ten metres above, his wrinkles almost unnoticeable. ‘Good to go?’

  ‘Yep, Wazza. Let ’er rip.’

  Down the pit, with nothing but the sucking noise and no Wazza rambling away, her mind wandered straight back to Troy. Maybe he was right, maybe he couldn’t love again. Maybe she’d been stupid to mistake his feelings for anything more than lust. Her cheeks burned with the shame of declaring her feelings while he drove away without a care in the world.

  She’d tried to call him, text him, but she got nothing back. Yesterday his simple text – Please leave me alone – had come like a slap in the face.

  ‘Message received loud and clear,’ she mumbled to herself. It made her so angry. She wasn’t even sure if she’d go to the semi-final tomorrow in Kondinin. She hoped he heard that loud and clear.

  Picking up a broom, she pushed water towards the pump that sucked it up and away. A fat, bloated and very dead bobtail floated by. She pushed it to the top of an exposed pile of soaked grain. At least a bobtail was better than a snake. She’d come across a few of those over the years.

  Her mind went back to the job as she started shovelling the wet grain into a bucket, which Wazza would hoist up using the winch. It was a monotonous task, but she relished the burn in her arms. They finished by five and on the way home stopped at the Karlgarin Club for a drink. They had driven Wazza’s clapped-out old ute and parked with a clunk and a cough of fumes.

  Inside they went straight across the lino to the bar, the TV playing quietly on the wall behind them. Indi’s eyes always shot straight to Aaron Sandilands’s signature high up on the wall. She was a sucker for footy memorabilia. She’d love something to hang on the wall of their club in pride of place.

  The bar was empty. They were the first in for the day and Indi ordered their poison. ‘Beer for Wazza and I’ll have a bourbon, thanks.’ She figured she wasn’t driving and she needed something stronger today.

  She got halfway through her bourbon before a few girls entered the club.

  ‘Hey, Indi,’ said Belinda, who was dressed up in costume, her two kids in tow.

  ‘Bin, what’s happening?’ she asked.

  ‘Hockey wind-up. You staying?’

  She was tempted, a night with the girls sounded like the perfect medicine, but Wazza would want to get home, so she shook her head. ‘Nah, can’t. Sorry to hear you missed out on the finals this year. Big celebrations tonight, though?’ she asked.

  ‘Hell yes, but there’ll be no dancing on tables this year. Oh, and we’re all coming as Champions,’ she said, before her kids started complaining for food and dragged her away.

  A few more hockey players wandered through the club doors, one dressed up as her golf champion mum, a tennis player, cyclist and a racing car driver. The room soon filled with laughter and Wazza began to get restless.

  ‘You ready to go? Too many bloody women in here for my liking,’ he grumbled, before downing the last of his beer.

  ‘Yep, let’s do it.’ Indi grabbed two more cans of Jim Beam for the road.

  As they reached the door, another woman was heading in, wearing a sheepskin on her back. She’d come as the Champion Border Leicester ewe she owned that had won the top prize at the Wagin Woolorama last year. A few seconds ticked over before Wazza chuckled. It took him a while.

  ‘Hi, Jacinta,’ said Indi. ‘Love your costume.’

  ‘Thanks. You not staying?’ Jacinta asked, as she adjusted her headband of woolly ears.

  Indi pointed her thumb in Wazza’s direction. ‘I gotta catch my ride. Have a good night, hey?’

  ‘We will. See ya.’

  Indi followed the scent of cigarette smoke back to Wazza’s ute.

  After he dropped her home, Indi stayed outside, sitting in the cold while she drank her bourbons. She couldn’t see the sun setting because big dark clouds covered the sky. It was as if the clouds understood how she felt.

  ‘Hey, sweetheart,’ her dad said, as he stepped outside.

  ‘Dad, you finish work up early today?’ she asked.

&nb
sp; ‘Yeah, and I’m making dinner so you just sit there and enjoy yourself. Thought I’d cook up some of the fish I caught. I just came to grab a few more mallee roots for the fire.’

  ‘Need a hand?’ she asked, putting down her drink, but Allan smiled and waved her back.

  ‘I can handle it.’ He gave her a wink and loaded up his arms from the pile of mallees in the wood box by the edge of the verandah. ‘Jasper should be home any minute,’ he said as he walked back inside with the wood.

  As if on cue, Jasper pulled up. The smoke from the fire swirled in the air as the breeze shifted it away from the chimney.

  ‘Hitting the hard stuff, hey?’ he asked, nodding to her can. Jasper’s blue cotton shirt was slightly open at the front, the sleeves crushed as if they’d just been unrolled, and his work jeans were covered in dirt.

  ‘Yep.’

  He put his esky on the ground and threw his jumper on the table before getting a beer from the outside fridge. ‘So what’s the occasion?’ he asked, sitting down and raising his beer.

  ‘Do I need one?’ she asked.

  Jasper shrugged and sipped his beer. ‘Ah, I needed that. Got bloody bogged today and Ken had to come pull me out. Then I hit a rock with the boom and broke off a few spray nozzles. But that’s the last bit of spraying for Ken done.’

  Indi snorted. ‘Guess I know what you’re doing tomorrow,’ she teased.

  ‘Ha ha.’ Jasper started flicking the beer top between his fingers. ‘So, everyone was asking why you weren’t at training last night. They were all quizzing me.’