Outback Heart

by Palmer, Fiona

  ‘Did you tell them I had to work?’

  ‘Usually you can swap with someone,’ he said. ‘Not this time?’

  Indi shook her head, her mouth not quite ready to lie. ‘Who was asking?’ She was staring at her bourbon, hoping to come across uninterested.

  ‘Not Troy, if that’s what you mean.’

  She shot him a glare while she fought off dizziness from the sudden drop of her heart.

  ‘What happened last Saturday after the game? You went home early and so did Yoda.’ He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

  ‘Ha,’ she spat. ‘It was the opposite of what you’re thinking.’ Indi knew it was time for a change of subject. ‘So, what’s the plan for tomorrow’s game? What words of inspiration did Troy give you?’ she asked, trying to keep the pain from her voice. She was truly excited for them all but Indi didn’t know what she was going to do tomorrow. Could she handle going to the game? Not after she’d told him that she loved him and he’d walked away. Her guts twisted just thinking about it.

  *

  Despite her better judgement, on Saturday morning Indi got dressed ready for the football. ‘Hey, Jasper, I’m going to take my own ute today.’

  He stared at her. ‘Why?’

  ‘Thinking of making a few stops along the way.’ She crossed her fingers that he’d buy her lie.

  ‘Okay,’ he said slowly.

  Indi wanted to be able to leave when she was ready, just in case she turned into a big yellow chicken.

  The drive to Kondinin had been fraught with thoughts about Troy and how she’d feel seeing him. She was almost a nervous wreck when she arrived.

  She pulled into the car park, and joined the queue of drivers waiting to pay. That’s when she saw Troy’s ute. A cold sweat broke out on her skin and her fingers squeezed the steering wheel. His ute was the place where it had all happened – her shame.

  She glanced behind then pulled out and drove away, all the way back to Hyden. A waste of an hour, and fuel.

  When she was almost home, she pulled straight into the cemetery and, grabbing her big jacket, went to sit by her mum’s grave in the cold. She leaned against the headstone, picking at the weeds that grew around it.

  ‘Hey, Mum,’ she said aloud, wondering if her mum was having it any easier up there.

  Tegan had called Indi as she was driving home, wondering where she was. She sent her a text now saying she didn’t feel so well. It was mostly the truth. She felt weak, sick and just bloody depressed. So depressed she’d given up watching the team she loved. She wondered how they were going. Were they winning? Had they lost? What had Troy said to them? Who had strapped everyone up? A wave of guilt crashed over her. She’d left them in the lurch with no back-up, and not even a word.

  ‘Now I feel even worse, Mum,’ she said. ‘If you were here, you’d know what to tell me, wouldn’t you? I miss you so much.’

  Hopefully Troy would have dragged Maddie in to help or someone else. Indi dropped her head into her hands as the tears of frustration flowed. She loved Troy, but hated him. No, she hated herself for getting into this mess, for being so scared of seeing him that she’d missed out on the most important game ever. She wasn’t there to watch Pat or Jasper – even Trevor had caught a ride across with Spud’s parents. She was the shittiest friend ever and she’d lied to Tegan.

  Picking up her phone, she texted Tegan for a score update. Her nerves were shot, especially when she didn’t get an instant reply. Her butt was sore, her body was cold, and her mum still hadn’t offered a reassuring hug or an answer to her problems. Indi decided to go to the pub. At least it was warm and she could drown her sorrows there.

  Of course she was the only one at the pub.

  ‘I thought you’d be at the game,’ said Lisa, as Indi parked herself at the long bar. Lisa’s brown hair was splashed with grey and cut to her shoulders. ‘Peter wasn’t going to miss it for the world. I half thought about closing the pub and going too, but there’s quite a few booked into the motel.’

  ‘Well, I’m glad you’re open. Just a beer thanks, Lisa.’

  ‘So how come you’re not there?’ Lisa was probing, but Indi wasn’t in the mood.

  ‘Long story.’ She took a sip of her beer as Lisa slipped out the back to finish her chores.

  Indi drank her beer in the quiet, just her and the empty pub. Glancing at her phone, she willed it to ring. Come on, Tegan, she prayed. She tried ringing her, but it rang out. Most people would be too busy watching the game to think about their phones.

  When Indi’s phone finally rang she just about fell off the stool in shock.

  ‘We bloody won, Indi. They were amazing!’ Tegan’s voice rushed through the phone.

  Indi screamed. Jumping off her stool she punched the air. ‘You beauty. They won!’

  Lisa rushed back into the bar.

  ‘They bloody won, Lisa! Woo hoo.’

  Lisa gave her two thumbs up and ducked off again.

  ‘Look, gotta go celebrate,’ Tegan said. ‘I’ll talk you through the game later, okay – that’s if Jasper doesn’t beat me to it.’ Indi could hear roars and cheering in the background.

  ‘Okay,’ she managed to say before the phone went dead. Just like the bar was. She was so happy and had no one to share it with. She wished she’d stayed at the game. How could she have missed it? She spun full circle around the empty pub. This was so depressing. Grabbing her wallet and phone, she headed home. At least she could see the end of the Eagles game on TV. But even that was a little depressing when she remembered Freddie was out with an injury.

  Her dad arrived home on his own; Jasper was catching a ride with the boys who were doing a pub crawl home. Indi didn’t need a pub – she had her bottle of bourbon on the go.

  ‘You all right, sweetheart? I didn’t see you at the game,’ said Allan, as he undid his belt on his pants, giving his belly some breathing room.

  ‘Yeah, wasn’t feeling that flash. I’m okay. You want a drink?’ she offered, trying not to slur her words.

  ‘No thanks. I’m just going to have something to eat and hit the hay. You eaten?’

  ‘Yes, thanks. I’ve got nuts on the go here, too,’ she pointed out. Allan gave her one of the many looks he’d been giving her lately.

  ‘Are you sure you’re okay? Do you want me to keep you company?’

  She just about burst into tears then and there. ‘I love you, Dad, but I’m just missing Mum. I’ll be okay. You get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.’

  She turned back to the TV just as a tear slid down her cheek.

  ‘Night, sweetheart.’ Eventually she heard him turn, his footsteps heading down the passage.

  Indi clicked through the Foxtel channels, but the only movies on were romantic comedies. She was in no mood for that. She settled on the sports channel and poured herself another drink. She couldn’t wait for Troy to leave, then she could get on with her life in her town. Yeah, she wished he’d just piss off already. She hiccupped as the tears rolled down her face. God, she was pathetic.

  32

  ‘WHAT the hell happened to you?’ Jasper was shouting at her, right in her ear. Indi pulled her pillow over her head and groaned.

  ‘Leave me alone,’ she mumbled, her tongue struggling to work in her dry mouth.

  ‘Are you sick?’ he yelled again.

  Indi turned to face him, squinting at him through her heavy eyes. ‘Stop yelling at me. Oh,’ she groaned as her head began to thump.

  ‘Are you drunk? Here I was feeling sorry for you and you’re just hungover. Was that your mess in the lounge room?’

  Indi tried to sit up but her head felt like a huge lead ball, and she struggled to keep it centred. Jasper was obviously not going away. He stood there in his old grey trackpants, no shirt, and a pair of tongs in his hand. His hair was splayed out on an angle from sleeping on his side and he was smiling at her.

  ‘Shit, you look awful.’ He laughed. Indi swore at him. Jasper clapped the tongs at her. ‘I’m cooking up b
acon and eggs – you want some?’ he asked.

  A hangover breakfast. So, she wasn’t the only one suffering. Jasper was just more used to it than her. Her stomach rolled at the thought of food but she nodded her head anyway.

  ‘Get up, then. It’ll be ready in ten.’

  After a shower she felt half human again and slumped at the table, her plate of greasy food waiting for her.

  ‘Where’s Dad?’ she asked.

  ‘It’s nine, Indi. He’s long gone.’ Jasper laughed.

  ‘Oh wow, I haven’t slept in for years.’ She glanced at Jasper as he chewed on a bit of bacon. ‘What time did you get home?’

  ‘Well, you must have been pretty wasted if you can’t remember that. Dad said the boys tooted the horn the whole way down the drive and then I tripped over your boots and crashed into my bedroom door.’ He shrugged. ‘I don’t remember any of it. Bloody good night, though, and I can’t believe you missed the game. What the heck happened to you?’ He poked at another bit of bacon. ‘We had to borrow their strapper! Some freaky looking bloke with far too much body hair strapped my ankle. I’ll never complain about you again, sis, I swear,’ he said, pulling a face.

  ‘Well, it’s nice to know I was missed.’

  ‘Are you kidding? Some of the blokes thought we’d lose ’cos you weren’t there. I swear Spud was sulking for the whole first quarter.’

  Indi smiled. Now she knew he was yanking her chain but she felt better.

  ‘So what happened? Car break down?’

  ‘Something like that,’ she sighed. ‘So tell me all about the game. Every detail. How much did you win by? Who got the goals? How did Pat go?’ And what did Troy say? That’s what she really wanted to know.

  Jasper replayed the whole game for her – Pat kicked six goals in total, James was just behind him. ‘My ankle held up well, too. So now we go into the prelim final after a break this weekend. Spud is having a big bonfire on the farm next Saturday to celebrate the win. He said to tell you to come.’

  ‘Oh, that’s nice,’ she said. At least Spud cared about her. ‘What time is it happening?’

  ‘Five onwards. BYO beer and swags.’

  ‘Cool. Spud does the best bonfires.’

  ‘He does. Collects wood all year and I hear this one is gonna be a pearler,’ he told her.

  Indi saw the time on the clock and swore. ‘Crap. I’ve gotta get going. I was supposed to catch up with Trevor today. He’ll be wondering where I am.’ She shoved her plate forward. It was still half full and Jasper reached over for her bacon. ‘God, I don’t know how you eat all that,’ she said and grimaced. Indi went and got her jumper, spotted the empty cans of Coke in the lounge and groaned. ‘I’ll clean that up later,’ she said before rushing out the door.

  On the way into town she stopped at the roadhouse for an iced coffee. She kept her sunglasses on – there were no clouds today and the glare was killing her eyes.

  ‘You look healthy, Indi,’ said Muzza, as he took her money. ‘You and just about most of the town, all sulking about hangovers.’ He laughed. ‘Great win.’

  ‘I know. Bloody awesome.’ If only she’d seen it. Indi got her change, thanked Muzza, turned to head out the door and crashed into someone. ‘God, I’m so sorry,’ she said. Her hand went up to her throbbing head and she groaned.

  ‘What happened to you? Some notice yesterday would have been nice.’

  Oh, god. Indi sobered up with the sound of Troy’s voice. She looked up at his face. She had to squint through her dark glasses. ‘Huh?’ she mumbled.

  ‘I had to find another strapper at short notice.’ She didn’t like the way he emphasised ‘short’.

  Indi couldn’t even bring herself to say sorry, not to him. The boys on the team, for sure, but not Troy.

  She grunted again, and stepped around him for fear she could lose her breakfast on his boots at any moment. She’d felt okay until she’d run into him, now her body was freaking out.

  ‘Indi?’ he called but she didn’t turn around. Just climbed into her ute and drove to Trevor’s.

  Except Trevor wasn’t there. ‘Oh, shit,’ she mumbled. He wasn’t in any of the rooms or in his backyard. She’d often found him taking a leak in the back corner of his yard on his lemon tree. He swore it was good for them. Indi wasn’t so sure but he did have great lemons.

  Indi started walking up the street, checking with his neighbours to see if he was visiting, but nothing. No one had seen him wander off.

  ‘Where the hell are you, old man?’ Indi sat down out the front of his place, just needing a moment. As she dropped her head into her hands a car pulled up.

  ‘You searching for someone?’ Indi glanced up at Jenny, who leaned out the window and gestured to her passenger seat, where Trevor sat looking a little sheepish. ‘I found him wandering down the street. He was out looking for you; worried as hell something had happened to you. You okay? You look like crap.’

  Indi laughed. ‘Yeah, I’ve been told that.’ She got to her feet. ‘Thanks, Jenny. I was just about to send out my own search party. Come on, Trevor.’ Indi helped him out of the car, while he tried to give her a lecture on disappearing.

  ‘I was worried,’ Trevor said. ‘You always let me know if you can’t make it and I just had a bad feeling. You’ve never forgotten me before,’ he said, making Indi feel even worse.

  ‘I’m so sorry. I’ve got a really bad hangover, which is no excuse, I know.’ Indi glanced over to Jenny. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘You hungover? But you weren’t at the game. Tegan said you were sick.’ Trust Jenny to pry.

  ‘Yeah, sort of. I was busier than a one-armed bricklayer,’ she joked. ‘I’ll catch you later. Thanks again.’ Indi gave her a wave and helped Trevor back to the house. Jen called out goodbye and drove off, and Indi was glad that was the last of the conversation.

  Inside she made Trevor a cuppa and attempted to clean the place, with much protesting from her head, while he chatted about the game.

  ‘You know, back when I played, it was a bit more relaxed. One time we were playing this team and we were strong, had the ball up our end most of the game. Suddenly it headed down their end and we had no bloody players. They’d bloody got bored and wandered off the field, got back into their cars and opened a few king browns. You should have seen them come running back on when the ball headed towards the goals. Funniest thing,’ he said with a deep laugh. ‘A lot played half full of grog. I’m sure they still do now.’

  Indi laughed. ‘Yeah, quite a few play with hangovers, trying to sweat out the Friday night beer.’ She couldn’t think of anything worse at the moment.

  ‘Those go in the top drawer, Indi. Elsie always put them in the top, and they have to be folded with the embroidery facing out,’ Trevor said, not missing a thing. She sighed, and refolded Elsie’s old tablecloth. She knew he missed his wife every day. Everything always had to be done Elsie’s way. Indi gave up on the cleaning after an hour, got some soup on the go for Trevor and then sat down beside him.

  She thought about Troy, tried to imagine how she’d feel if they did get together and he died a year or two later. Would she wish she hadn’t met him? Would the pain of losing him be worth the time spent together? Then she thought of her mum, and how loving someone, no matter how long or short their life, was worth the risk. Wasn’t that living? Troy was shutting off those feelings, but life just wasn’t worth living without them. Well, not for her. She wouldn’t take back that night with Troy, not for anything. It was locked away with her special memories.

  Ringing snapped her out of her thoughts. She answered her mobile. ‘Teegs.’

  ‘Indi, where are you? I’m at your place.’

  ‘I’m at Trevor’s. I’ll head back now. See you in five.’ Indi pushed herself out of the cracked old vinyl recliner. ‘I gotta head off, Trev. Tegan wants to catch up.’ She put her hand on his and he smiled. ‘I’ll just get you your lunch and then I’ll go.’

  After Trevor was set, she headed back home. Tegan was insid
e chatting with Jasper. Her hair was scraped up into a messy bun and she was wearing jeans and an old blue hoodie. For once she looked relaxed.

  ‘Hey, how’s Trevor going after the big win?’ Tegan asked.

  ‘Beside himself with happiness,’ she replied. ‘You coming to Spud’s bonfire night?’

  Tegan shook her head slowly, and that’s when Indi noticed something different in Tegan, besides her attire.

  ‘What’s up?’ she asked, stepping towards her.

  Tegan laughed. ‘You know me so well, Indi.’

  ‘I’ll just go have a shower. Catch ya, Teegs,’ Jasper said as he got up and gave Tegan a hug goodbye. He was still shirtless, which might explain Tegan’s pink cheeks.

  ‘See you, Jasp,’ she said, giving him a smile and watching him disappear down the passageway.

  Indi sat down beside her. ‘What’s going on, mate?’

  ‘Sorry, I’ve been a bit off lately. And I haven’t been around much but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.’ A pause. ‘I’ve decided to leave Jaffa,’ she whispered.

  ‘Really? Now?’

  ‘Oh, no.’ Tegan looked shocked at the thought. ‘After the finals, of course. I couldn’t do it to him now. The team needs him in good form and I have a feeling this is going to piss him off.’ Tegan raised an eyebrow. ‘I don’t think he even sees it coming, Indi. He just expects me to keep him happy and he assumes I’m happy. It took me a while to realise that I’m not and that I don’t want to be treated this way.’ Her eyes darted down the passage. ‘Jasper made me realise that I was hiding my feelings, burying what I wanted just to keep Jaffa happy. But that’s not a relationship, right? I can’t keep hiding the real me just to keep the peace and please Jaffa. It’s not a life, is it?’

  Indi shook her head.

  ‘I don’t even think I really like Jaffa any more. How weird is that, after all this time? He’s not even funny.’ Tegan sat back in her chair, her eyes lighting up with the release.

  ‘Well, I’m glad. That’s a big decision, Tegan. I’m here and so is Jasper if you need any help.’