Mind Over Matter

by Kaia Bennett

  Times like this he wished he'd never discovered how much she'd wanted him once upon a time. Maybe he wouldn't realize so painfully what was missing, what he'd lost, how addicted he used to be to her desire and love for him.

  Used to. That was the important part. He'd moved on. So had she. Yet, still, something like this could remain. Must be like a star, when the light had long since burned out, yet the glow remained to tease fallible human eyes from a distance. Even Jackie and Ian could see it. Everyone would probably be able to see it.

  But it was still dead. And they were going to let it stay that way.

  "All done. Perfectly safe now," Ian said. He nodded to Nicole and Gabriel. Nicole was the first to disengage from their sad little stare down, gingerly taking the steps before walking into the house and becoming a soft silhouette against the shadowy glow of the entranceway.

  "Come on in, man," Ian said, giving him a world of unspoken support and understanding when he patted him on the back and ushered him into his home.

  ***

  Nicole licked her lips as she stepped inside, out of sight of him, and towards the bathroom, her legs weighted down like sandbags were wrapped around her wobbly ankles.

  It was like she'd borrowed this body and had forgotten what it contained, the potential hidden within her skin and running through her veins. Then he showed up again and it was like waking up from a dream. Like remembering what your limbs, your heart and your breath were for.

  She rushed inside the bathroom, closed the door, and leaned her back against it, forcing herself to catch her breath. Her thighs tightened and she felt the telltale slickness that always accompanied his presence. She wrapped her arms around her waist, touched the curve of her hips where his fingers had so brazenly ignited her body's responses. Her breasts were still tingling from being pressed against the warm expanse of his defined chest. He smelled unmistakably like him, like the soap he used and that masculine scent underneath that reminded her what his sweat tasted like, what his skin felt like under the blunt edges of her teeth when she needed more than just a taste.

  God, she didn't want to go back in there. She thought she was over this. In a slight panic she remembered his eyes on her. There was a time she would have died to have him look at her like she was something special. Now she wished that magic would fade away. It made her wonder what she looked like when her eyes had met his. She ran to the mirror.

  She looked half-spooked, half-ravenous. Wide-eyed. Breathless. Lips parted. Chest heaving.

  Fuck!

  She might as well say, “Take me! Take me now, big boy!" It would be less obvious than her pathetic attempts to hide what she was thinking and feeling. She'd never been able to hide things well, not from him. He must have seen everything, probably smelled her lust coming off her in waves.

  This couldn't be happening. No, scratch that; she wasn't going to let this happen. She had a guy waiting for her out there, someone who had helped her heal when this lust and all the love that got tangled up in it hadn't been enough to save her from a broken heart. He was going to pick her up in a few hours for fuck’s sake.

  Travis. A different man entirely. Black hair to Gabe's dark brown. Blue eyes to his molten chocolate. Deep, animated voice to Gabe's raspy rumble... a rumble that still sent quivers over her skin...

  "Ugh, get it together already," she whispered, almost desperately. "You're so over this."

  Liar.

  That one little word, whispered in the back of her mind was enough to make her start drowning in her own fears.

  What if she wasn't healed up from this? What if she was never going to be?

  It didn't get any better when she forced herself to calm down, put on a brave face, and left the bathroom after practicing enough fake smiles to make a beauty pageant contestant wince. It didn't get any better as conversation picked up speed and Ian asked Gabe to be his best man at his wedding. It didn't get any better when he graciously accepted, and promised to be there no matter what, especially since his schedule dictated he'd be in town until the spring.

  And it didn't get any better when Gabriel asked her more about what was going on with her.

  How did she say something like this and not make it sound like she was trying to gloat, to hurt him? Hell, who was she to think that's how he'd feel about her moving in with her boyfriend anyway? He'd had plenty of time to get over her. He had a life of his own to worry about.

  "Well, I'm moving into a new place," she said softly, tucking one leg beneath her on the couch, while gripping the other one to her chest like a security blanket.

  "Oh, yeah?" Gabriel said, pulling her out of her nervousness with a lopsided grin. He seemed genuinely happy for her, just like he had about her book. "No more Mrs. Habberdash, huh?"

  She laughed at that, though she still felt Jackie's eyes on her like a laser over Preston's head, and could see Ian busying himself with sipping his drink. Maybe she should take a cue from her sister and be blunt and brief. Real friends were real with each other, and that’s what they’d agreed to be. This was really no big deal.

  "Yeah, I'm moving in with Travis," she said in a clear, crisp voice. "By the end of this week, actually. Pretty exciting..."

  Her ability to speak, to smile at him, vanished.

  The look on his face. The quiet shock. The way he cleared his throat before smiling broadly. That smile was beautifully tragic. It wavered around the edges then pulled taut like his body language. It didn't reach his eyes, and in that moment she wished she didn't know him so well. She could read him as easily as he must be able to read her. Maybe if she hadn't been looking for it, she might not have noticed at all. But she had. She'd seen everything he tried to cover up and more.

  "H-he, um... he can't stand her either," she stammered out. "Mrs. Habberdash, I mean. Travis can't... And it was time you know? To get a new place, take the next step."

  "Wow. Big step," he whooshed out. He cleared his throat again and said, "Congratulations, Nicole. I'm really happy for you."

  Liar.

  Her mind kept whispering it. This time she wasn't sure who it was condemning. Was it him, for saying he was cool with her leap into the future with another man? Or was it her, for believing she'd completely left her feelings for this one in the past?

  Chapter Four

  "Say 'Groupies'!" Jonny called out while he aimed his phone and got ready to take one of a thousand pictures that night.

  Gabriel, Nuke, Q, Riley Dansik from Take Cover, Trish, and Nicole all huddled in together and yelled, "Groupies!" as the camera flashed.

  Jonny looked at his digital handiwork with a grin and said, "Nice," before turning it around and holding it out in front of him. Everyone leaned forward to see, muttering the requisite "Aww"s and cheap shots that most group photos inspire.

  Gabriel's eyes immediately focused in on the image of Nicole, who was still under his arm. He turned his eyes to hers and smiled down at her. She smiled up at him, blushed, and then tucked her hair behind her ear. His heart stopped in his chest, and then beat harder than his body should have let it when she did that. The urge to lean down and kiss the shyness away from her beautiful face was almost overwhelming.

  But then her gaze turned away from his. She looked over her shoulder and up at Travis as he pulled her towards him and out from underneath Gabriel’s arm. Her smile broadened and she turned into Travis’ embrace. Just like that, the spell was broken, the moment they shared dissolving into the world of fantasy as he watched her wrap her arms around her boyfriend’s waist and melt into his kiss.

  The picture, just like the feel of her next to him, was an illusion too sweet to last. It was too much to ask that she stay a little longer. That she pretend a little longer.

  Even at his thirtieth birthday celebration, a cordial distance was essential.

  Gabe turned to another random acquaintance giving him birthday wishes, and laughed when Jonny hopped on his back. "Happy birthday, old man!!"

  He smiled and laughed, but caught Nicole loo
king in his direction. She used to call him that, one of her teasing nicknames for him. She laughed at the antics of the two guys. But something wavered in him. Something about the happy scene was wrong, askew. He tried to pinpoint it. Maybe it was the comment about being an old man for real now.

  Thirty.

  Three. Zero.

  He was getting older. But it wasn't just him. Everyone, everything was moving forward in time. He was older, and so was Nicole. This time two years ago, he’d taken for granted that she would be in his life now. He hadn't thought ahead to how and in what capacity. He only saw her beside him. His best friend. The girl he realized he loved too late and too soon. But he hadn't been a very good friend to her lately. Time and distance had tightened their hold around him, until he was standing across the room looking at her growing older and happier without him. He'd missed her last birthday. He'd missed a year of her life. And that was what made him feel the sting of this day when the age itself was of little consequence.

  Truthfully, it wasn't the fact that he was thirty that was making him feel so reflective and lost, even in the midst of all these people partying hard in celebration for him. Turning thirty wasn't a big deal. It should have meant more, but he didn't feel any different today than he had yesterday, or the day before. Sure, he could claim the experience that comes with being a man who had lived through his twenties. He'd seen a lot, done a lot. He'd made mistakes and taken chances, and he'd accomplished more than a lot of thirty year olds had career-wise. He'd lived, and was still living, a full life with people and work he cared about.

  Yet, in most ways, in the ways that seemed to matter to the outside world, he didn't seem his age at all.

  Hell, he didn't physically look thirty, he was still sharing an apartment with Nuke and Q, and he was still single and kid-less. So, to his parents at least, he wasn't acting his age either.

  Still, that funny passage of time had caught him off guard. Fall had done its usual slow dance, until suddenly the air was cool and the leaves were dying their flamboyantly colorful death. One day was all it took for him to look up and see that things had changed after all. Jackie and Ian, and their son. His sister Olivia and her family. Even Chase and Trish were more serious now. The characters in the portrait of his life had shifted positions. The setting was different. The colors were changing. It was all so fucking sneaky.

  He needed to get away. He needed air. Because he was pissing himself off.

  He unraveled himself from the fray of smiles and jokes about Viagra and Depends. He really did have a sense of humor about it all. If he could get Nicole out of his fucking head he could even show it.

  He stumbled out into the balcony of the favorite bar and grill hosting his party. The crisp, cool night nipped at his face in spurts, but the night was still surprisingly comfortable. Irony of ironies. A perfect night, a perfect party, a perfect life... and his mind had wrapped around the one thing in it that wasn't.

  This wasn't a fucking movie. This wasn't a slow motion sequence. This was just life, just him having a birthday party that his ex just so happened to attend with her new boyfriend, because she was supposed to still be friendly if not his friend. People went through this shit every day, and as much as he'd like to believe this was a special circumstance, the truth was he was just clinging to residual feelings. Nothing deep or thought provoking in there. He just missed the way things used to be, when he didn't have to think past the moment and there was the promise that the next one with her would be even better. Times like this he had to remind himself how scared he had been about being close to her. Times like this he had to remember what he said to her when they realized it wasn't going to work.

  We tried, sweetheart... we said we'd try...

  That night they'd talked for hours. He'd explained everything. He’d told her everything she needed to hear and confessed everything he’d been scared to tell her. All of it was the truth. But there was one truth that sealed their fate.

  When she asked where he saw them down the road, he couldn't answer. He didn't know and he didn't want to lie. He could have said all the right things, he could have told her he'd marry her and stay by her side forever. But the thought of not living up to those promises haunted him as surely as the whole mess with Meredith did.

  He loved her. He'd told her so over and over while she cried and asked herself why it wasn't enough. As if she were blaming herself for wanting more of him.

  And when she was done sobbing, breaking his heart by showing her how much he'd broken hers, she whispered the tragic words he sometimes heard when quiet moments and the past snuck up on him.

  S-stay with me. Tonight. Just stay with me, please...

  He'd kissed her, crying against her lips while she whimpered against him. Pleaded with him.

  Don't let go. Please. Please, Gabriel...

  They didn't sleep that night. He didn't want to let her go. He didn't want to miss a single moment of their last night together. And in the morning, when they should have been asleep from exhaustion, she sat up with bloodshot eyes and stared off into space. Her tears were shed. Her voice was hollow. As always, she spoke the truth, even when it was hard to say and harder to hear. She was always the brave one in that respect.

  "I feel like we failed," she’d whispered solemnly. "It was supposed to be so simple. We love each other. That makes sense. This should make sense..."

  And when she'd looked at him and saw the mirror of her own anguished resolve, all he could say was, "We didn't fail. We tried, sweetheart. We said we'd try. Most people aren't even brave enough to do that. Right?"

  We said we'd try...

  They'd promised to be friends, a superficial attempt to salvage what was left of the dream now that they were both awake.

  "Dude, what the fuck are you doing out here?! You got sixty candles to blowout," Q roared, a little beyond tipsy, reminding him this was a party and not an introspective retreat.

  Nuke was by his side, his ever observant gaze fixated on him. He gave him a broad smile, a pat on the back and said, "C'mon. Everybody's waiting on you."

  Gabe smiled in spite of the leftover heartache.

  It was what got him by, what kept him from feeling like he'd made the biggest mistake of his life that night. His boys, a good party here and there. A good-looking girl… though these days, that worked less and less. Life was a whirlwind, people surrounded him, and work was always on the brain and flourishing.

  He had everything he wanted except one thing, one person. But when you already had everything you could want, perhaps that was the price you had to pay.

  They sang a warbling and boisterous rendition of 'Happy Birthday' and then yelled, "Make a wish!"

  Jackie and Ian, Trish and the guys, their manager and friends from the label. Nicole, even if her boyfriend was by her side. They were all here. He'd block Travis' steady gaze out, because here in this room was everyone he loved, next to his family, celebrating his life. Here was proof he hadn't lost everything just because he lost the girl.

  Yet, even with all that, he couldn't resist. He couldn't help but make a small request on this one occasion.

  He knelt down, looking up with a grin at all his friends and thought for just a second about his wish. Across from him stood Nic, her eyes beaming, her full lips spread into a soft smile. He held her eyes as he bent down to blow out the candles.

  And he wished for her. For Nicole Langley.

  For a second chance.

  He wished for the love he couldn't release, even though he'd tried to bow out in the most graceful way he could. Even though he'd tried to let them both move on with life, he held her eyes and let her see.

  Then he lowered them and blew the candles out in one breath. Everyone cheered, camera phones flashed, a handful of cake, courtesy of Jonny, was slapped on his face. He couldn't help but smile and laugh, and try to enjoy what he had. He was thirty now, a grown man. Wishes were for children.

  And even if they weren't, they didn't come true. There was proof of t
hat when he turned to seek out Nicole's smiling face. Yes, she was laughing and clapping for him. Yes, she stared into his eyes for a blessedly painful moment, but it didn’t last. All too soon she turned away and reality intruded once more.

  She was still with Travis, still in his arms.

  He was still left with only a wish.

  ***

  "It's cause you're scared. Isn't it?"

  Those words had been resounding in Nicole's head for over a week now, and it was driving her crazy. Or, crazier than usual. They made her antsy. They made her wake up in the middle of the night because of explicit dreams so sweet they should be called nightmares instead. They made her stare at her phone, tap her nails against her teeth, and then attack them again because the last thing she wanted to do was cave in.

  It was all Jackie's fault. That damn harpy of an older sister. Bad enough she had to be so abrasive she could make a Brillo pad feel like a loofah. But no, she just had to be right too, didn't she?

  It was while she was out to lunch and discussing the details of her book release party, that things came to a head. They were working on the guest list. Gabriel and the band came up.

  "Why not have them play, if they're up to it. Just a couple of songs or something?"

  Nicole shook her head and winced. "I'm not down with that. Just thinking about it feels like I'm trying to be a publicity whore, or something."

  "Nikki, you're a twenty-something first time author who just happens to be the ex-girlfriend of a guitarist whose band is gaining in worldwide popularity. You need to sell books, which means publicity whorish-ness is perfectly acceptable. Obligatory, even. Carpe the whorish-ness, honey."