Mind Over Matter

by Kaia Bennett

  Nicole snorted at that, staring at Jackie in her stylish yet sensible black suit as she planned out the details of her party like it was a court case she was preparing for. With Jackie's look and her sentiments about using Nicole's connections, she was easily channeling Michael Douglas and his infamous yuppie speech on greed in “Wall Street”. The sensible chignon, and the curves her son left her with after the baby weight was quickly dispatched, made her look every bit the cover girl for Forbes magazine, or the business sections in Essence where they highlight sistas-who-done-good. Of course this was the perfect person to help her with her party, and the way she was tackling the planning was her way own way of showing how proud she was of her sister. Nicole didn't want to put a dark cloud over that, or seem ungrateful when she brought up ideas. She just didn't want to be a shameless self-promoter, either.

  "Fine," Jackie said, shrugging in concession. "Then just invite them. Them showing up is enough. We'll make sure the DJ plays a couple of their songs..."

  Nicole distantly heard Jackie pause in her musings. She sighed, having an absentminded mini-battle with the straw of her iced tea while she thought about the implications of circling Gabriel at yet another party. The straw stabbed her in the cheek before she finally paid attention enough to make sure it got in her mouth and sipped.

  "What's the matter with you?"

  Nicole's big, dark eyes shot up to Jackie's scrutinizing gaze. She tilted her head and wrinkled her brow to convey her puzzlement while still sipping her drink.

  "You not want Gabriel to be there? Is that what this is all about?"

  Nicole coughed, then sputtered a bit before saying, "What? No! All I said was it didn't feel right having them perform. But..." Nicole sighed and shook her head. "But then I get to thinking about them being there, and it's just supposed to be this small get together. They might be busy or have other things they want to do, 'cause it's not like it's gonna be this crazy rockin' party—"

  "Hey, I'm planning it, so yeah, it will be."

  Nicole laughed, and pushed her hair back from her face. "And, to be honest, I'm just not too keen on using my ex-boyfriend to sell books. It's so very 'What would a celebrity debutante do?' Ick."

  "Why not? What's so wrong with 'using' him in person? You used him as inspiration for your story, so what's the difference?"

  Nicole was stunned silent by that comment. She blinked once. Twice. She heard the sound of Jackie talking, but not the words.

  That stung. Wasn't like she hid the fact that she was heartbroken and in a zone when she wrote the book. But to be so blatantly called out for channeling Gabriel into her story was a little too close to home.

  "No, he wasn't. I mean, he encouraged me to write, yeah. He gave me that little extra push I needed, but as far as the story or the characters—"

  "Nikki? For real? You gonna pretend like I didn't read it? That guy... that, um..." She was opening and closing her hands, her eyes searching the skyline for something that was on the tip of her tongue. "Fuck, what is his name? Devin? Yeah, that Devin dude is a dead ringer for Gabe. Just with blond hair. But the eyes are the same. And he's the quintessential uncatchable catch."

  "The quintessential what?"

  "It's what I used to call Gabriel in college," Jackie said taking a bite of her sandwich and sprinkling the crumbs off the tips of her fingers. "You know, nice, good-looking, talented. Great on paper and in real life. And yet, he never seems able to settle down no matter how great the girl. Uncatchable catch. The hero the girl falls for in your book? That is Gabriel."

  Nicole felt a flush of heat cover her skin. She felt exposed, but a part of her should have known Jackie would see what others might not have. She'd done her best to cloak Gabriel's influence on her story, but it hadn't worked as well as she thought.

  "Is that what you think?" she asked, still not ready to concede defeat.

  "That's what I know. And the fact that she ends up with the other guy, the ‘nice’ guy that isn't right for her. That's you tempting fate, my dear. Trying to rewrite the laws of nature, when you know Devin and Cara should have ended up together."

  Nicole shook her head, leaned back in her chair and smirked. "Ah, I see. I get it now."

  It was Jackie's turn to borrow Nicole's quizzical look.

  "You ever gonna let this go, Jackie? Travis is a nice guy but he's so much more than that. And Gabe is, and always will be, my ex-boyfriend. I get it. He's your friend, and you liked us together," Nicole said, lowering her eyes, and fiddling with a wrinkle in the tablecloth. "And I know you like everyone to think you're a hard ass, but this secret soft spot for the neat little bow, for a perfect happy ending... it's not realistic. At least not for Gabriel and me."

  There was silence between them for a long moment. Jackie's eyes observing Nicole's, Nicole staring right back. Then Jackie smiled. A sweet, soft, empathetic turn of her full lips that made Nicole flinch away from her steely gaze.

  "It's 'cause you're scared. Isn't it?"

  "What... are you talking about?"

  "You. And Gabriel. Of course," Jackie said, smacking her lips and giving Nicole the sly look she was accustomed to seeing. "You're scared that the more time you spend around him, the more you're going to realize how stupid it was that you two broke up, the more you're going to feel less and less attached to Travis—"

  "Stop it. Now."

  Again, silence. But Jackie was never one to back down from a challenge. And she'd already isolated the chink in Nicole's armor.

  "That must be why you've been such a shitty friend to him."

  Nicole was in the infuriating position of watching herself get baited into a chess match, even though a part of her was able to completely disassociate to the point where she could see every move that was about to happen. She knew exactly how this was going to pan out.

  Yet here she was, blood boiling over, lips turning into a grimace. Getting all riled up for nothing.

  "I have not been a shitty friend to him! I was just at his birthday party; how many ex-girlfriends of his did you see there? How many of my ex-boyfriends are coming to my book release party? You have a lot of fucking nerve telling me I haven't been good to someone, when if it were anyone else in the world, I wouldn't even be talking to him right now!"

  "Yeah, you're right. My bad. Never should have pointed out that you barely talk to one another anymore unless it's through me. That's really friendly of you. Never should have brought to your attention that you wrote an entire novel about him, or that he's the only ex-boyfriend you still keep in contact with because you can't let him go... which incidentally is why you find it so hard to be around him as friends in the first place. Or, that when you're in the same room you can't keep your eyes off each other. My bad, Nikki."

  Nicole raised her hand to signal the waiter.

  "And I guess I also shouldn't bring up that when he was dating you, I finally abandoned the whole idea that he was the uncatchable catch. I still have. Because I've known Gabriel for a long time. Because unlike you, I have been a real friend to him for years, and I know for a fact he's still in love with you."

  Nicole's eyes swiveled to her older sister’s. Her body froze. She swallowed.

  "So, you see, I understand why you've been a shitty friend to him, and why he's been the same to you. I understand, because you're much more than friends. I understand, because I know you love him, too.

  "You're right. I do love him. Like a friend." Jackie scoffed, but Nicole continued on. "We still care about each other. But that doesn't mean we belong together. It doesn't mean it's as cut and dried and simple as you want to make it out to be."

  "Nothing is, sweetie. Nothing's simple, especially not being in love. But trying to pretend you don't still love someone? That's even harder."

  Nicole turned her eyes away from her sister, as the waiter brought their check. She pulled out her credit card while Jackie said, "You can cut your hair. You can write ten more books. You can date rebound boy, marry him if you like. It doesn't change the tr
uth. You're running scared. You both are."

  Running scared.

  Nicole pulled her thoughts away from that frighteningly visceral conversation. She'd ended it with paying her end of the check and promising to call when her sister had refrained from plucking her last nerve. Yet, in her mind, the effects of Jackie's words still lingered, the conversation still dragged on. Several days later, she was haunted by the fear that Jackie was right. Several days later she was still staring at her phone, nibbling at her poor abused thumbnail, and willing herself to prove Jackie wrong.

  She was not afraid to be friends with Gabriel. He was just never around before.

  He is now...

  And he was always busy.

  That's what voicemail is for...

  He could be off with some other girl right now, making her sister completely wrong about both of them being able to move on.

  What does that matter? Since when does a friend have to be single to get a phone call?

  "Fuck. You should just do it. Just call him. No big deal. You're just friends, so it's no big deal."

  What about Travis?

  That was a good question, and it sprung her into action. She had deleted Gabe's number from speed dial long ago, but she still had it memorized. Her thumb darted over the screen on her phone, as she absentmindedly shuffled through the standard litany of things to say to a person who was a friend without baggage attached. That's what she was going to have to do to get over this hump in her life that had everyone — especially her sister — thinking she was running scared from the past. Travis was in no danger from Gabriel. And neither was she. She was going to prove that once and for all by facing the truth head on. And the truth was she was over him.

  And she was going to show it. Starting with one friendly phone call.

  Chapter Five

  Gabriel leaned against the wall, trying to pay attention to Gwen, the real estate agent, as she went on and on about the apartment he was looking at, but his focus was drawn elsewhere. Over Gwen’s head and dramatic mannerisms he watched Nicole's face as she absorbed the view through the large open windows of the living room. It was a huge open loft, with exposed brick and an industrial beams. She was smiling, taking in the buzz of the city below while Jackie roamed around in the open kitchen, nodding in approval at the modern yet inviting décor.

  It was decidedly strange, searching for a new apartment with an ex-girlfriend. Stranger still was that she'd offered to come along with Jackie. Something had happened after his birthday party, some nudge from the cosmos that Nicole must have felt, because a few weeks afterward she'd called him out of the blue to ask how he was doing. Next thing he knew she was tagging along while he narrowed down his apartment hunt and the possibility of them hanging out like they used to opened up.

  Thanksgiving was approaching. A year and a half ago he was tucked under the covers with her, trying to sneak in some loving before his roommates got home, like two teenagers. Two partners in crime. Now he was taking a grown-up step, and even if she wasn't with him in the relationship sense, she still managed to fit into yet another important memory. It was — as most everything with Nicole had become — bittersweet.

  He shook himself out of his thoughts and turned his attention back to the woman in front of him. He nodded and smiled and made a joke or two. He’d been getting better, slowly tearing himself away from the pattern of looking at Nicole and seeing vivid memories of the past. But then she'd called, said they should hang out. She made him laugh and made him nervous, and then somewhat sad when he realized there was no pretense, but just a genuine, upfront offer of real friendship. The kind he'd been avoiding. Just like that, all of the confusion started percolating again. He needed to fake it out, work around it, until he could be like her and forget. He would just have to make a concerted effort to live in the here and now, and see things as they truly were. Hard as that sounded on paper, he knew he could do it. He could make it work if it meant she would still be in his life.

  "What do you think, Nic?' he heard himself ask, taking advantage of one of Gwen's few pauses for breath in the midst of her animated pitch.

  She turned to him, slightly startled by the echo of his voice in the large space. Then she smiled and looked up at the high ceilings, around at the walls, and at Jackie leaning against the kitchen counter. Light from the world outside those glossy windows was bursting in to the uninterrupted space, bouncing off the hardwood floors and clinging to her hair. It brought out the brown highlights in the deceptively dark tresses and the red and gold tones in her milk chocolate skin. That cute nose wrinkled, and she winced, but the gleam in her pretty eyes belied her joking nature.

  "I dunno, man. I just don't know if it screams ‘Rock Star!’, ‘Hot Bachelor on the Rise!’, you know?" she asked him with a dramatically pensive look on her face. She tapped a finger on her lip while Jackie chuckled. To the real estate agent she said, "Have any celebrities lived here before? I mean, does it have a famous people vibe? Because that’s super important."

  "Actually, yes! Let’s see, a couple of Broadway actors, some musicians," she started to ramble on about all the famous people that had graced these hallowed walls, to which Gabriel cringed and gave Nic a subtle, droll look. She just suppressed a chuckle, and then turned back to taking in the space with a smile.

  She liked it. Despite the jokes she seemed really enamored of what could be his new home.

  And something about the way she looked, the way she seemed to love this space made him love it even more. He was pretty flexible in terms of what he wanted; here was plenty of room for his shit with a relatively quick commute to the studio and all the hotspots in town he liked. Cool by him. But her... something about her and the way she looked standing in the center of it all made it click for him, made him excited about it, even though it had more bedrooms than he needed, was bigger than a laid back single dude needed it to be.

  "Jackie?" Gabriel said, crossing his ankles and shooting his friend a nod of his head to get her attention. She was having a silent suppressed giggle fest with Nicole over Gwen's cheerful intensity. "Your thoughts on the matter?"

  She nodded her approval, though she did make the stipulation that, "We should look over the contract thoroughly. Places that are too good to be true always seem to come with a catch." To Gwen, she said, "No offense."

  "None taken!" Gwen chirped.

  He pushed off of the wall, gave Jackie and then Nicole a smile before he turned to Gwen and said, "Okay. So what's next if I want it?"

  Nicole couldn't believe he was actually moving into his own apartment, a space as big as an actual house with all the benefits of being in the city to boot. Part of her was so jealous until she remembered she had a new place now too, one she was sharing with a great guy who could end up being more. And if she wanted a space as big as a house, well...

  Travis talked all the time about one day having a home of his own. A place to call his own instead of just one he was borrowing. And then, tentatively, he would paint her into his picture of the future, usually after she was tired and comfortable from a night of physical exertion in their new bed. Maybe it would be just outside the city limits so she could have the best of both worlds. Maybe a room just for her to write in, and a three-car garage for him and his bikes.

  Maybe. Maybe a lot more things were swirling around in his head. It was startling sometimes. She still had yet to say she loved him, and yet he could imagine her... well, as what exactly? His live-in girlfriend? His wife? The mother of his children?

  She hadn't even met his family yet, who were still in his hometown of Chicago. She still was stuck in first gear when it came to the future and her place beside Travis. But as usual, he was ever patient, ever thoughtful and aware of her mending heart. She looked over at Gabriel, trying not to let her eyes peruse his body the way they always seemed do out of habit. She could feel her sister's gaze on her, watching the acceptance of her dare to be a better friend to Gabriel.

  It was for Travis she was doing this.
Not Jackie, not herself. It was time she started seeing Gabriel as what he was: a great guy in his own right. A friend, instead of a horrible mistake, or an addiction she was recovering from. Once she could do that, she could move on gracefully to accepting her future without him.

  Gabriel started negotiations on the apartment. Though he and Jackie were going to look over the agreement together he was pretty sure he wanted it. When that was all over and they were walking out he said, "So, what do you guys want to do for lunch?"

  Jackie shook her head, and said, "I gotta head back into the office and finish up this brief. We'll take a rain check, though, okay?"

  "Okay, sounds good," he said. Then Gabriel cleared his throat subtly and turned to Nicole, who was busying herself searching for her phone in her purse.

  "What about you, Nic? You gotta take off, too?"

  Nicole immediately looked up at him, and then towards Jackie. Jackie witnessing her grapple with the decision to be alone with Gabriel was enough to snap her out of her daze, and the fear that accompanied it.

  "Sure," she said quickly, turning to him and giving him a bright smile. "Where to?"

  "I'm kinda in the mood for Chinese or something. Oh, hey, what about Korean? You remember that place you and Trish took me to?"

  She smiled, wistfully recalling them laughing and smiling over a grill cooking sweet-flavored beef while Trish and Gabe tried to show her how to wield chopsticks without looking like a four year old. "Yeah, I remember. That sounds great. Really great, we can go there. And I think I even remember how to use chopsticks."

  "Korean it is then," Gabriel said, a soft smile of his own echoing hers and reaching his brown eyes, as if he were reliving the memory with her.

  There was a silence that managed to be both awkward and warm. Jackie observing them as they committed to this whole "friends" thing was somewhat strange, but just knowing it was really going to happen was nice. Maybe it didn't have to be awkward in the truest sense of the word. Maybe they could just go and hang out and talk, and this wouldn't be as hard as either of them expected.