Mind Over Matter

by Kaia Bennett

  They piled out into the cold day. Gray skies were teasing them now, promising rain even as the sun continued to shine overhead. They both looked up, silently weighing whether or not venturing out for this lunch date was a good idea. But then their eyes met and they shared the same smile. Why not?

  Why not give it a shot? And whether they were thinking about chancing a rainstorm, or this new phase in their relationship, was anyone's guess.

  ***

  "So... can I ask you a question?"

  It was a strange and unseasonably warm day. Gabriel was taking a break from packing up things for his new place as well as a break from working in the studio, and Nicole was taking a break from working on her next book. They were walking and getting some fresh air in the park while munching on sweet pretzels.

  "Yeah, sure," Nicole said with a nod. She peeled off a piece of her pretzel, popped it in her mouth, and then sucked the sweetness off her fingertips.

  She looked at him, but when she noticed his eyes focused on her lips she turned away.

  Focus, Nicole, keep your mind out of the gutter.

  He wasn’t thinking what he used to every time he looked at her and she needed to do the same. Forcing herself to be unselfconscious, she went back to devouring her pretzel. Her lips encircled her thumb and her tongue darted out to taste the sugar on her lips.

  "What... um... what made you decide that you wanted to start hanging out with me?" he asked.

  Nicole's eyes, which were focused on finding the next perfect sugar and cinnamon piece, shot up to his and then immediately looked away again. So, this was how they were gonna play it? She thought they were just going to leisurely skate the thin ice over the truth. She liked that idea better. It was easier, would make this whole ordeal so much safer.

  But then she should have seen this coming. This was the man she was always honest with. Couldn't expect to change the formula this late in the game.

  "Why'd you think I wanted to hang out?"

  "Don't answer a question with a question," he joked, pinching her cheek. "It's rude."

  She smiled and pulled her face away, blushing horribly at the teasing gesture he used when he was trying to cheer her up or embarrass her. "Fine. Honesty is the best policy and all that jazz."

  Gabriel nodded in agreement and went back to taking a bite out of his own pretzel.

  "You hadn't been around in a while. And the last time we saw each other, it was really brief. You were just passing through. It was easy for us to tote the whole 'friends' label and not commit to it. But then I was talking to Jackie the other day, and she said I should stop being a shitty friend—"

  "Ah, hell, don't listen to her! You're just fine and I don't want you to feel like you've been forced into being around me, not if you don’t want to be."

  "No, I love being around you!"

  That silence again. She never did get a handle on that whole censoring herself thing. The look in his eyes when she said those words made her wonder what exactly she'd meant by them. They made her wonder why her heart beat faster as his eyes focused intently on hers.

  "I mean, s-she didn't make me... I'm not hanging with you out of guilt. But she was right. She really was..." she swallowed, bracing herself for the way her next words would affect them. "Back in the day, even when we were just hooking up, we always kept in touch. A phone call here, an email there. And since we broke up and agreed to be friends, I can count on one hand the number of times I've called or written. That's not cool on my part. That's not me being a good friend."

  Gabriel sighed, and she watched as his eyes trailed the cracks in the path they were on. It was like he was a mirror image of her own guilt. Her mention of the old days when they used to fuck like crazy made her body start to tingle with heat, only to be doused with the memories of their painful parting of ways.

  "So," she continued, the fine tremor in her voice giving away her nervousness, "here you are, actually in town for a while, and I was about to go down the same road of trying to call you my friend without even knowing what's going on with you, or without telling you what's going on with me. I was using Jackie like a living message board or something. And you're going to be in my sister’s wedding. So, I guess when she said that, it made me think..."

  "Made you think what?" he asked when the silence at the end of her sentence dragged on.

  Nicole nibbled on her lip, and as they came upon a bench in the path she took that opportunity to sit and gather her thoughts. He sat next to her, waiting patiently.

  "It made me think that if I really am over you, then I shouldn't be afraid of being near you or hanging out like we used to. The only difference between then and now is—"

  "Sex," he whispered, giving her a blatant, understanding gaze. "Lots and lots of sex."

  Nicole giggled nervously, shaking her head as if he were being a silly boy in health class. She just hoped the clenching of her thighs was a subtle, barely noticeable thing, just like the hitch in her breathing. "Yeah, Captain Obvious. That would be the difference."

  Gabriel chuckled and tore off a piece of his pretzel. He tossed it up into the air and caught it easily, chewing and thinking in silence for a moment. Just the simple act of him catching his food like that took her back to her sister's old apartment.

  Her in bed with him while they tossed Cracker Jacks in the air, him catching them on his tongue. His smile, the way he stretched out and showed off those twin tribal tattoos on his sides. The heat he'd inspired when he looked at her, held her, kissed and touched her. The way he'd whispered in her ear.

  Uh-uh, little girl.

  If you want something from me you're going to have to say it loud and clear...

  "Well, what do you think?" she said trying desperately to interrupt her thoughts and the slickness between her clenched thighs.

  "Of what exactly?" he asked, tilting his head to the side. "You asking me what I think of us then, versus us now and whether that's really such a big deal? Or are you asking me if being friendly makes sense because we're over each other?"

  She blinked several times, not sure what to say. Which answer did she really want? And which answer did she think he wanted to give? Did he think what they had wasn’t a big deal or special? Did she seem like she was over him? Or could he smell the heat coming off of her as even his smallest gestures catapulted her back to the past?

  "I guess I'm asking if you're on the same page with me. I mean, we should be able to hang out right? Because we've both moved on?"

  Gabriel licked his lips and turned to watch a couple of joggers pass by, thinking distantly that maybe he should take up such an activity. Might help him work off some physical frustration. "Yeah, we should be able to. And it's not all your fault. I wasn't exactly blowing up your phone, especially after you started dating Travis," he said with a sigh. "I'm sure the awkwardness of knowing you were with someone else had something to do with it."

  "Are we seriously having this conversation?" Nicole blurted out suddenly. She looked like she was in a daze.

  Gabriel gave her a half-grin, his chocolate-brown eyes twinkling. He spread an arm out on the bench behind her shoulders and leaned back. "When have we ever taken the blessed opportunity to skip over an uncomfortable conversation, Nic? In fact we're actually due for one, right?"

  Nicole laughed and shook her head, "An awkward conversation about us hasn't come up in some time. You're right about that."

  "Though this might be a little more awkward than usual. Used to be that after one of those talks we'd..."

  Gabriel snickered when Nicole raised an eyebrow and folded her arms. "We'd what, Gabe?"

  This was a slippery slope he was on. The look in her eyes was teasing. She too remembered their former habit of getting over awkwardness by fucking each other into a coma. He watched her swallow while he licked his lips, deciding whether he was going to take her little challenge and say what was on his mind. It was dirty, just like the image in his head of her on her back, legs spread wide while he breached the gat
e between her thighs over and over again. He shifted in his seat, realizing how easy it would be to move even closer to her. Maybe she would resist at first when he touched her face and leaned in. Maybe she'd tell him to stop. But her eyes, and the slight hitch in her breath — he could read them like he'd gotten his PhD in her body language — told him he wouldn't have to work too hard to get past her defenses.

  "You really want me to say it, Nic?" he asked suddenly, his voice sounding the way it hadn't in quite some time. A deep, husky rasp that promised things he couldn't deliver now. Not without a lot of regret and resentment later on.

  She stared at him, and he could see her melting under the steadiness of his gaze and the familiar sound of teasing dominance in his voice. Her body was lighting up like Christmas from the inside out. He bet that under those warm layers of clothing goose bumps were rising on her skin, and her nipples were hard pebbles just waiting to be sucked. His mouth felt dry.

  "No," she answered. "I already know what you mean. We never did deny that we got along really well in that department."

  He nodded. She nodded. They turned away from the magnetic pull of each other’s eyes.

  "And now we'll just have to find another way to cope," he said, "Like real friends do."

  "Yeah. We were friends first anyway. Shouldn't be too hard."

  "Shouldn't be," Gabe replied, and though he hadn't meant them to, the words came out with the almost cryptic flavor of tempting fate.

  They sat in silence for a moment, watching the leaves drift back and forth in the breeze, like they were swaying to a song only they could hear. Light from the sun was caressing their limbs, lighting up the ground under their feet. Soon that same light was going to seem garish, the leaves would be dead, and if things went according to plan they would be comfortably in the realm of friendship by then. All the lust and magic of the past would take a backseat, transform, and mold itself into the understanding of unconditional bond instead.

  Now the only catch was getting from here to there without going crazy in the process.

  Chapter Six

  "Why don't you just wait until he gets there and then let him do it?” Gabriel asked. His voice coming through her cell phone did nothing to hide the bemused smirk that was probably on his lips.

  Nicole chewed on her bottom lip. That was a good question. Why wouldn't she let Travis put away this box? Or just unpack it and put the contents in their proper place?

  She wasn't willing to answer it, though. What the box contained, what it meant, and why she felt compelled to shove it into some corner herself without having to talk about it with Travis, was something she was embarrassed and ashamed to admit.

  "He's already done so much around here, I just want to help," she finally offered, switching the phone to the other ear as she dragged the box towards the closet.

  It wasn't a lie. Travis was pretty much the go-to man when it came to integrating all her shit into his apartment because he liked to keep things neat and she got so easily distracted. She would say, "Sure, babe, I'll put those away today," while he was at work, and then forget all about them because of an idea that floated into her head.

  "Plus, I can't write at the moment," she continued. "I'm working on this scene but I'm stuck and I need to do something else for a while.”

  "What are you working on now, anyway?"

  That question caught her off guard. She wasn't used to talking about her writing these days, at least not in specific terms. Travis would ask her how it was going, but it was usually a roundabout question with a roundabout answer to go with it. How many pages, how productive she felt, stuff like that. Part of her still felt like a bit of a loafer talking about writing while he was out working a nine-to-five all day. A “real job,” as her mind still labeled it.

  She explained that it was kind of a coming-of-age tale about friends who fall in love.

  "Well, you're brilliant. I'm sure you'll figure it out."

  She chuckled at that. "I'm so not brilliant. And anyway, how would you know, you've only read that short story and it was hardly Pulitzer Prize material."

  "Jackie gave me her copy of your book the other day when I went to see Ian. Started reading it yesterday," he said.

  Her heart thudded in her chest and then skipped a beat. She was glad he couldn’t see her face.

  Somehow in the grand equation of life, she never actually thought that one day he would sit down and read her book. Part of her mind was so used to the people around her seeing it as almost a hobby. A hobby she got paid for. Never mind that sometimes when she sat there staring at her computer, her greatest fear was that her first book was a fluke, a hailstorm of creativity that Gabriel inspired. And after Jackie's assertion that Gabe was obviously on her mind when she wrote it, she was deathly afraid that's what he would come up with, too.

  "You don't have to read it, you know. It's really kinda silly. Like a chick book."

  He laughed. "You scared I'm not going to like it, or something? You saw my library. I read all kinds of shit, and so far I can honestly say, I love it. It's not ‘just a chick book’, not the way you write it."

  "Really?"

  "Truly. I want my own copy, though. Signed and everything."

  Nervousness warred with warmth and she closed her eyes to savor this moment. Gabriel didn't lie to her about things like this, not even to spare her feelings. Back in the day when he read her story, he’d said he was proud of her. And now he said he was proud of her for getting published. But for him to read what she wrote in published form and like it... that seemed special somehow. And scary. How long would it be before he read it and pierced the thinly veiled code that revealed who he was in the book? And how would he like the ending?

  "Thank you," she said finally, hoping her warmth and gratitude could reach him through the receiver. "That means a lot to me, Gabe."

  "No problem, sweetheart. It's the truth." She thought she would melt when he called her one of his favorite pet names. Sweetheart. It always amazed her how much she responded to it. It wasn't laced with affectionate, naughty imagery like "little girl" or "dirty girl". Normally, "sweetheart" seemed such a sugary and quaint term of endearment, even old-fashioned. But on his lips, with that raspy voice and with all the memories of how he'd whispered it in her ear and against her skin, how could it be anything but sexy?

  “And if you need help, I can read it for you, what you're working on now,” he added. “You know, like I used to."

  "Aren't you busy making music these days?"

  "Never too busy for you," he said. "We are friends, after all."

  God, please stop. Stop making me want you again...

  Ha, that's funny. Did you ever stop wanting him?

  "You can always come out and get something to eat with us tonight when we wrap up today's session," he said, "us" being the band. Ironically the studio was only about ten minutes away by cab now that she’d moved, but he would be too busy to hang out until later. "Maybe bring what you're working on?" She always preferred printing things out in hard copy form for him to read, and he hadn’t forgotten the quirk.

  "Okay. But I have to eat something that doesn't make me need to reassess my wardrobe, so nothing greasy," she said with a chuckle. "Got Turkey Day coming up and that's already dangerous enough."

  She shuffled the phone to the other ear as she lifted the box and tried to stuff it on to the top shelf. In the process the phone clattered to the floor. And for a second she could hear Gabriel's voice on the other end, yelling to see if she was okay and what had happened. She shoved the box onto the shelf quickly, dropped down to pick up the phone, then hopped back onto the stool.

  "Sorry, sorry, dropped the phone," she said, turning her face up towards the shelf. Just as the shelf collapsed and several heavy things shot off it and tumbled to the floor. Including one of several boxes she'd tried to stuff up there. The edge of it caught her on the side of her head, knocking her off the stool and to the floor with a nasty thud. She wondered if that cracking sound
was her head or something else that had connected with the floor. Instantly her eyes watered and she felt lightheaded. Woozy. Like she was going to pass out. Her vision was blurred and when she reached up to feel her head, her fingers came back coated in blood.

  "O-oh, my God," she whispered, not quite believing how much red was covering her fingertips. She could feel it running back into her hair, the faint sting buried under the wooziness. She was trying to think, trying to make sense in a linear fashion. What should she do now? It seemed as if seeing how much blood was pouring out of the corner of her head had halted her intelligent thought processes.

  The last thing she remembered before being knocked into relative unconsciousness was the sound of Gabriel's voice on the phone. She looked to the right and saw it. Rolling gingerly onto her stomach, she crawled toward it and picked it up with a shaky, blood-covered hand.

  "Nicole!!"

  She winced as she brought the phone to her ear. He screamed her name at least two more times before she managed to cut in. "I'm here. I-I'm okay. I..." her heart was pounding so fast and her head was swimming. "I fell..."

  Even to her own dazed ears she didn't sound okay. She sounded small, and tired. Shaken.

  "Are you okay, where did you fall? Is anything broken?" She couldn't be sure but it sounded like wind was swishing in the phone. He sounded like he was running.

  "I don't think so." She wiggled her limbs. Her wrist hurt. She remembered falling heavily on it when she reached out behind her to break her fall. "My wrist feels sore. Maybe... maybe... a sprain..."

  Then she saw the steady drip, drip, drip of blood from her forehead onto the floor.

  "Shit..."

  "Are you hurt anywhere else? Nicole talk to me, okay? Keep talking to me, I'm gonna be right over."

  "I'm bleeding. There's a... gash on my forehead and when I fell... my head hit. I heard a crack." She cringed, remembering the sound. She lay her head down on her arm. It felt so heavy. "I'm okay, I just need... to rest for a minute..."