Mind Over Matter

by Kaia Bennett

  Nicole sat up straight, looking her sister in the eyes. She was met with the sternest form of compassion she'd ever seen in someone, next to their mother.

  "There was nothing wrong with Travis. There. I said it and you can quote me. He was a good man and, yes, you did a bad thing by... juggling the two of them."

  "I didn't juggle them, it was a one-time mistake—"

  "Let me finish, okay? Jesus..."

  Nicole bit her tongue and waited reluctantly for words of wisdom.

  "I never thought Travis was horrible, or anything like that. In another life, and under different circumstances, he would have been just fine. And I don't think you're a bad person because of what happened, either. I think you're young and you had your mind set on how things were supposed to work. But sometimes life has a way of telling you what you're gonna do anyway, regardless of what you think is right or what your plans are. Trust me on that," she said, giving her son a light kiss on the top of his head. “Your biggest mistake—"

  Nicole sighed audibly and rested her head in her hands.

  "—was trying to force yourself to heal something that wasn't broken in the first place. I don't know what the future holds for you and Gabriel. I don't even really know why you broke up. Maybe you'll never get back together. But even if you don't, trying to erase him like you did, replace him with someone safer because you were afraid... well, it was doomed from the start, Nikki. You can't erase your first love and you can't undo the past. You just have to learn from it and move forward. And you have to truly be ready to move on. You weren't ready, and only you can answer the question of 'why?'."

  Nicole was silent for a long moment. She turned away and swiped at a tear. Then another. "God, what is wrong with me?"

  "Nothing's wrong with you, Nikki—"

  "What if I'm never ready?"

  The question was so desperate and forlorn they both were quiet, with only the sound of nature, kids playing, and Nicole trying to stifle her sobs to break up the quiet.

  "Auntie Nikki?"

  She sniffed and quickly wiped away her indulgent sadness. She put on a smile and turned to face Preston's confused and compassionate face.

  "You have some my sa-rinkles!" he said, as if he'd just been inspired and his treat would solve anything. He held out the cup of melted ice cream and Nicole laughed around a sob.

  "Aww, sweetie. You're the best, you know that? Thank you!"

  She pulled him into her lap, took a little spoonful of vanilla with candy confetti covering it. Even that made her think of her favorite flavor, coffee ice cream, and that led her to the creamy tan color that always reminded her of Gabriel's skin.

  "You'll be ready one day. You just need to figure out what you want to be ready for. If you're ready to give him up, then start living life. Stop holing yourself up in your room, stop staring at your computer screen waiting for words to come. Let go of the past without pretending it never happened. That goes for Gabriel and for Travis. You wouldn't be you without the things you've learned and the people you've loved.

  But...if you're not going to give him up...t hen you need to get ready to fight for him."

  "That's what you've always wanted. You and all my friends. You just want us back together."

  "No," Jackie said shaking her head. "I thought you were great together and maybe I pushed a little too hard. That's because I'm human and I make mistakes too, despite all the evidence to the contrary."

  Nicole chuckled at that. "So says the great Jacqueline Langley-Brown, and none shall contest her."

  "Damn straight," Jackie replied with an arrogant nod and blink before breaking into big grin.

  "You're dumb."

  "And you're dumber, but I love you anyway, little sister. You know that. I only want the best for you, and I think the only way that's going to happen is if you make a choice based on what you want in the future, not just what you're trying to escape from your past. You'll be ready for anything once you figure out what that is. And you'll be happy again. I promise you. You'll be happy again."

  Nicole nodded before lifting Preston up and walking towards the swing set. Deep down she had to believe Jackie was right. She would know happiness again. First things first, though. She had to make a choice.

  What do you want? You're already holding on, even now.

  Are you ready to let go this time? Truly?

  ***

  Gabriel spun his phone in his hands, contemplating why he was spending so much mental energy on whether he should or should not send a text to Nicole. He was light-years away from anything that evoked her memory. He was in Ireland, cooling off at a loud and rowdy pub after playing a gig on the first leg of their headlining tour, and even though there was a cute blond with a sexy foreign lilt chatting him up, his mind was still on her. It was for good reason, of course. It was after midnight here, but on the east coast she was probably sound asleep, and when she woke up in a few hours she would greet her first day as a twenty-five year old. Meanwhile, he'd be napping on the tour bus on the way to the next show.

  It was probably silly to even think about it, let alone bother to actually text her. More of a painful truce than a cordial meeting had commenced at Jackie's wedding. Yet, here he was wondering if he should wish her a happy birthday, if he should text or actually call, or if he should avoid it all together. Preston was his godson, and his birthday was within days of hers. Wouldn't it be weird to say happy birthday to Preston and completely ignore his aunt? Maybe he should just leave the message with Jackie and save them both a lot of awkwardness and misunderstandings.

  Honestly, he had bigger and better things to think about. The band was headlining their first international tour, playing all over the US, in Canada, Europe and Australia before heading back home. He was already crafting new material for when they returned to the studio in November. Meanwhile, their new album was in stores and already exceeding expectations. Their videos were circulating and dominating YouTube, and Q and Johnny were keeping the fans involved with blog updates and webisodes on their site.

  It was real. Maybe a year ago they could have claimed it was a fluke, but now things had taken off to new heights. It might not last forever, but it wasn't going away tomorrow, either.

  Yet, here he was, mulling over ex-girlfriend etiquette because, in spite of everything, he still cared for this girl just like he cared for her family.

  Be a bigger punk, Gabe. Really, let's see if we can take this idiocy all the way to the top.

  He sighed, and even murmured under his breath, until his reverie was interrupted by soft lips pressed to his ear.

  "Am I not holdin' your interest, then?"

  He cast a sidelong glance at the girl he'd been having a one-sided conversation with. He hopped right over the truth and tried to save face. "No, it's not that..."

  "Caitlin," she offered him politely, knowing full well he might not remember her name. Her smile said she didn't seem to mind. This one was a pro. Cute too, with sharp features and a light smattering of freckles on the bridge of her nose. Her black halter and short jean skirt over a soft, curvy frame were just what the doctor ordered. If he could stop thinking about whether he should hint to Nicole that he still cared, that was.

  "It's not that, Caitlin. Just got a lot on my mind," he said. He grinned at the way she downed the last of her pint and then licked the froth from her rosy lips.

  "Well," she began with a smile that was easy enough to decipher. "I can think of a few ways to get your attention, love. Maybe even ease that brilliant, talented mind of yours," she cooed in his ear. "D'ya wanna get out of here?"

  He licked his lips, his body light years ahead of his mind in terms of reading her signals. She’d be a decent distraction, one that just wanted to get off on banging a famous rock star. She seemed like she was used to this game and enjoyed it.

  "Sure," he said before downing his own pint, slamming it on the bar, and then waving bye to Nuke.

  Nuke waved and went back to whispering in his girlfriend Kirs
ten's ear, a girl Nuke had met in that bar months back on the night Gabriel almost got into a fight with Jonny. Kirsten's purple streaked head spun in Gabriel's direction and she waved to him.

  Across the pub were Trish and Chase. She would be with him until their tour of the UK was over and then she would head back to the States. Jonny and Q were the center of attention in a ring of girls, honing in on who they would be spending the night with. The image of the couples together — however brief some of the coupling would be — and of the guys all happy and carefree hit him in the gut. But it was a familiar punch. It was something he accepted and knew he would find a way to get used to. He didn't have a choice. So, he pushed away thoughts of Travis and Nicole sharing the same happiness as his coupled-up band mates, and slipped outside to find out just how friendly his Irish lass could be on his tour bus.

  As it turned out she was very friendly. Hardly the best he'd ever had, but enough to take his mind off things for an hour or two. He lay in his compartment in their upgraded tour bus, watching her pull her halter back up and sweep her blond curls away from her neck. She blew him a kiss over her shoulder and gave him a wink before finding her own way out.

  As soon as she was gone, though, it was like she'd never been there at all. He was getting used to that too. The gap between thoughts of the past and the welcome oblivion of distractions was getting shorter and shorter, and in the end he was still left with his rampant thoughts. He found his boxer briefs, pulled them on and propped himself up in bed knowing the guys would start filing in soon at varying times to start the trip to their next show. They would have found other places to hook up, knowing that Gabe was the first to leave thereby claiming the bus for his conquest. Until they got back, he'd be alone with his thoughts. Just like before, he found himself twirling his phone in his hands, wondering if Nicole was sleeping tucked into Travis' arms the way he she used to lay in his.

  It was this simple thought that made the decision for him in the end. He might be many things, but he wasn't a coward, not anymore. And if sleeping with Nicole wasn't enough to tear apart her relationship, then a cordial happy birthday would be harmless and the right thing to do. He couldn't pretend she didn't exist, and he couldn't pretend she wasn't related to people that were like family to him. It had been like that even before they'd hooked up. It shouldn't change now.

  He tapped out the simple words, Happy Birthday, Nicole. Then lay down his phone and turned on his side. He knew he wouldn't hear anything from her, if at all, for hours to come.

  Then he felt his phone vibrate. He blinked in shock, then turned over, slid his finger across it and read:

  Thank you, Gabriel! Really appreciate it. I hope you're doing well.

  He had to smile. He’d been so sure about how his message would be received, but he was wrong. He didn't know anything. Just when he thought he had it all figured out, that he knew the score and the time-line of things, she surprised him. He wondered why she was up. He wondered if she smiled when she looked at her phone and realized he was thinking of her, despite being thousands of miles away. Despite everything.

  I am. Enjoy your day, sweetheart.

  He stared at the words he'd drafted for a long moment, thinking about her smile. Then with a slight frown he deleted the word “sweetheart,” sent his message, and drowned out fantasies of being there to tell her in person.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  A three-week break before the US portion of the tour was halfway through when Gabriel found out a very interesting piece of information. He was trying his best to be nonchalant about it, but inside he was spiraling.

  The guys, Trish, and Kirsten, were sitting in their favorite diner, grabbing a bite to eat before going out that night. They were talking about where they should have their send-off next week before they headed back out on the road, and who was going to be there, when the subject of Jackie, Ian, and Nicole came up. A simple question of how they were doing was met with the news that Nicole had broken up with Travis after all.

  "So..." he asked, trying to keep his voice even, "when did this happen?"

  Trish shrugged and grabbed one of Chase's curly fries before meeting Gabriel's eyes. "Sometime while we were in Europe. Things had been shaky between those two for months before that — she never told me why, even though I asked, like, a million times — and then 'poof!’, the end. Nicole's moved out and lives with Jackie and Ian now. She's working on finding a new place. Just trying to get back on her feet."

  He didn't dare ask how the break-up had happened. But from the X-ray level glances he was getting from the guys and Trish, he could tell they were waiting for him to ask more about it. Maybe they were wondering if he had something to do with it. Even Kirsten — the relative new girl to the gang — was privy to the side effects of Gabriel's relationship with Nicole. But now that she was single... maybe they were thinking what he was thinking.

  Maybe...

  Gabriel literally shook his head and then gulped his soda to relieve his suddenly dry mouth. They could think what they wanted, but he and Chase knew the truth. Things had been shaky in her relationship with Travis and had probably ended for the same reason. So, there was no reason to get excited. This wasn’t a victory or an opportunity. This was just another way he'd hurt her and messed things up for her.

  "Bummer. Hope she's doing okay," was his only response.

  It wasn't exactly what they all expected to hear, and he knew it. But what else could he say? News of her breakup didn't just change years’ worth of mistakes. It didn't change that he was going back on the road, and he wasn't sure where he'd be a year from now.

  Nope, he knew exactly where he stood with her. So, it was time to move his train of thought and this conversation on to something else. Thankfully, Trish picked up on that vibe and changed the track for them.

  "At least she's saving money now instead of renting a place," Trish said. "Kinda jealous of her actually for saving all that money. I'm getting sick of renting."

  Chase tilted his head back and stared heavenward before looking down, grabbing his burger, and taking a huge bite. Apparently, this was a conversation they'd had before. Judging by Trish's steady stare and lifted eyebrow, which Chase met with his own quiet, brooding glare, they were at a stalemate concerning the issue of taking things to the next level.

  "I'm thinking about getting a different apartment, a bigger one," Nuke said. "Or, like, a house."

  "Say what, homie?" Jonny quipped.

  Q nodded his head in Jonny's direction and threw out a, "What he said," for good measure.

  "What's wrong with a house?" Gabriel asked.

  "Like, in the suburbs?" Jonny asked, scoffed at Gabe, then turned his attention back to Nuke. "Are you going to get a sensible car and life insurance, too?"

  "Are you gonna make me drive over you when I get the sensible car?" Nuke asked with a tilt of his head.

  "Touché," Jonny said with an effeminate sniff that made the rest of them laugh.

  "What? There's nothing wrong with a house," Nuke argued. His girlfriend's smile wasn't lost on Gabriel, or the idea they may have already talked about moving in together. Nuke was in love. It was plain for anyone to see. "Or sensible cars or, you know, making room for a family..."

  You gotta be fucking kidding me...

  Gabe could feel the smile spreading his lips to match his mental exclamation.

  "Like me and Kirsten, for example," Nuke continued, his grin spreading from ear to ear. "We just found out today that a house and more sensible car might be a good thing since...”

  Silence.

  "...we're gonna have a baby soon..."

  Shock.

  "We just confirmed it this morning," Kirsten added, nervously sliding her fingers through her purple streaked hair, though her grin was effortlessly huge and pretty. "We're about five weeks along."

  "You fucking kidding me right now?" Strangely enough, Chase beat a wide-mouthed Q to the punch with that question and suffered Trish’s jab to his overfull midsection be
cause of it. "What? I meant that in a good way. Like, 'are you fucking serious, oh my God, you're having a baby, that’s amazing’. Mazel Tov." The monotone sarcasm earned him another jab and what he'd affectionately dubbed “the cute Korean deadly dagger look” from Trish. For a man of few words, he had a knack for giving things appropriate monikers.

  Nuke said with a chuckle, "Yeah, we're totally serious. And ecstatic. I'm gonna have a little drummer boy."

  "Or girl," Kirsten countered before kissing him sweetly.

  "He. She. I'm down for whatever. As long as he/she is healthy. And plays the drums..."

  Glances passed around like ping pong balls from one face to the next. But Nuke and Kirsten only seemed to have eyes for each other. There wasn't any fear to be seen on either of their faces, just nervous excitement, and that crazily elusive thing called love. Gabe could see it in them, and seconds later the entire table was in an uproar of congratulations, cheers, and jokes about Kirsten having to take care of two babies instead of one because Nuke was a large child himself.

  Time was passing again, tripping him up with its steady deceptive trek towards the future. Preston was two, Nicole was twenty-five. His other best friend since college and band mate was going to have a kid of his own, though marriage was probably out of the question. Given Nuke's own history with having a revolving door of stepmoms, he was as likely to find marriage a sacred institution as Gabriel. Chase, Jonny and Q would probably get married before him, even though Nuke was the consummate sensitive romantic by comparison. He could understand the sentiment considering his own parents’ lackluster bond.

  And of course swirling around in his peripheral thoughts was the image of Nicole Langley. Single. She'd been single when he sent her that text. Lying awake that night, across the world, she'd been just as alone as him. The thought gave him no satisfaction, and he refused to entertain it for long. It was just a strange revelation, nothing more.

  Somehow, after all the stops and starts and reasons why they couldn't be together, in the end they were standing in the same place in life. Alone, doing what they loved for a living, surrounded by family and friends, and yet in many ways still standing still. Maybe it was just his imagination cultivating some commonality with her, but he couldn't help it. It used to be she was traveling down a path he'd already been down, that they were just parallel lines with him slightly in the lead on life. This seemed different. This time it seemed like they were standing on the same plateau.