Mind Over Matter

by Kaia Bennett

  And they were in the same city again. For another week and a half at least...

  ***

  Jackie was singing the Black Eyed Peas “I Got A Feeling” as she came down the stairs and danced into the living room.

  "Ugh." Nicole groaned and braced herself.

  She couldn't stand that song. And she wasn't sure if it was the actual tune, or the night of mandatory fun that would follow, because Jackie was now determined to make the lyrics prophetic. Nicole was sitting on the couch with Ian and Preston, watching TV while she took a break from the chapter she was working on.

  "Don't just sit there looking crazy, people. You, go shower and wear that new cologne I bought you," she ordered Ian with a wink. Again Nicole groaned, knowing tonight she was probably going to be listening to music with ear buds stuffed down her ear canal to escape the muffled sounds of those two getting it on. "And you, go change out of your spinster uniform and do something with your hair. We're going out."

  "When are we supposed to be heading out?" Ian asked.

  "Why didn't you warn me, or something?" Nicole chastised, standing on shaky legs.

  "I'm warning you now, so we can be ready to leave in about two hours tops," Jackie said and started packing away the dinner she was going to cook before their plans changed. "And baby, I already called Grace, so she'll be able to watch Preston. I threw in an extra ten bucks for giving her such short notice."

  "Ten extra dollars?" Ian said, craning his head so he could look at his wife over the back of the couch. "For what?! Is she gonna teach him how to read while we're out?"

  "For her agreeing to cancel her Friday night out with her friends, maybe? I'm all about supporting enterprising young females."

  "Baby, you gotta stop letting that twelve year old hustle us out our hard earned money. You already bought half her girl scout cookies."

  "Yeah, and you ate most of them, so shut the hell up."

  "You know," Nicole offered, "I could always just watch him for you, and you two could have a date night or something."

  "Nah, you're coming out too," Jackie replied. "It's a special occasion. A little send off for the guys before they hit the road again."

  The guys?

  "Yeah." Jackie replied, because apparently she hadn't just thought that question, she'd said it aloud. "The band is headed to Atlanta next, so he's not gonna be back in town until November or December, something like that. This is our chance to say goodbye and wish him and the guys good luck and a safe trip."

  She didn't have any words but her mind was zooming a mile a minute. Thoughts of Gabriel had been there. They always were and probably always would be. And she'd known that he was in the middle of a tour. Trish had told her about it, and about Nuke and Kirsten expecting a child. She'd called him to congratulate them, thankfully sidestepping the issue of Gabriel. Yet somehow, the idea of being in the same room with him again had seemed a distant dream.

  Of course, it was silly. He was Ian and Jackie's good friend, his best man at the wedding. Ian, Jackie and Nuke had gone to college with him. The idea of them never seeing each other again should never have crossed her mind, and yet it had. She was entrenched in the world of hiding. She was becoming used to being this girl who’d given up on love, or on ever having a civil word to share with Gabriel in person. It was like fucking Groundhog Day. She kept thinking it was something she could hide from, and life kept saying, "Wrong again, bitch! Get back in the ring!"

  Damn near half a year... by the time he gets back it will be another year gone. Another year that we haven't been together.

  "I don't know if I'm up for that, Jackie..."

  Her sister opened her mouth to say something, then looked down and saw the faint tremor in Nicole's hand and her mouth closed. Judgment was easy enough to come by when it came to the older Langley girl, but not tonight. Tonight she was silent and still. Then she nodded and turned away.

  "Okay. It's up to you, Nikki. Just know that you’re invited. Everybody would love to see you there."

  She couldn't deny there was disappointment in those simple words. And her stomach churned with nervousness. Staying or going — either way — seemed like a mistake.

  The past came hurtling at her. Jackie's words that started her down the path of reuniting with Gabriel. The way she'd clung to Travis' unconditional love and acceptance. The way she'd tortured herself with Meredith and Gabriel's torrid past and Gabriel's past loves in general. Even the way she felt about Gabriel in the beginning came back to her. So much had changed. That girl was this woman now, but still something remained.

  Fear. Fear of truly speaking her mind, of revealing how she felt. Fear of wanting something she didn't think she deserved. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being good enough for her life.

  And now, fear of seeing the man who’d awakened her to that fundamental fact about herself.

  She'd been motivated by fear for so long that she didn't know what she was afraid of anymore. And underneath the fear was the truth she was trying to hide.

  She wanted to see him.

  There would never be a day in this life when she didn't want to see him despite all that had happened. She was sure that saying goodbye to him would be the theme of their relationship, but she still couldn't help but hope and remember the good She couldn't help but wish him the best and want him to know that she did think of him. The thought that he might want her there made her heart beat faster, and so did recalling the birthday text he sent her. She smiled faintly remembering how she'd stared at that message for what seemed like forever. She'd tossed and turned all that night thinking of him. The sound of his voice speaking those words had lulled her into sleep. She missed him so much it was insane.

  Distance and time hadn't erased the cruel things he'd said, or the things he'd done that had hurt her, but there was perspective. There was equilibrium with that new perspective, and understanding of her own faults. She'd made plenty of mistakes too, despite her righteous indignation and argument to the contrary that night at the reception.

  She'd put him up on a pedestal so high he felt he couldn't tell her about things he was ashamed of. She'd questioned his love when she knew how hard it was for him to tell her he loved her. She’d pretended she was okay with what he was willing to offer, even when he'd warned her of his limits and asked her if she was okay with it every step of the way. She'd relied on him to validate her, compared herself to the women he'd dated because she couldn't believe he truly wanted just her.

  And when Travis had taken on that same role in their relationship, the insecure and questioning one, she'd been willing to toss Gabriel aside, however reluctantly, just to save face. Then in grief and fear, she'd done what she wanted with Gabriel, over and over again, only to take it all back when she woke up beside him the next morning. He'd done what he felt he had to do, what needed to be done to prove he was never going to take advantage of her, hurt her, or force her to do anything she didn't want to do ever again. He let her go.

  She'd let him down, too. There was no victim in this, no one who was completely blameless. Even now, he was extending an olive branch. There was strength in that, in inviting a person who hurt you into your life for the sake of peace. It would have been easy for him to forget her and dismiss her, but he hadn't. For all he knew, she was still with Travis when he sent her that birthday message. He still sent it. He still wanted her to know he wished her well in spite of their last meeting. That meant something. So would showing up to say goodbye and wish him a safe journey.

  Jackie picked up the phone to cancel the babysitter when Nicole said, "Don't do that. I changed my mind. I'll go."

  She gave Jackie a sheepish smile and added with a nervous quaver in her voice, "Help me pick out something to wear, okay?"

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Gabriel checked the door for what felt like the thousandth time, sure she wasn't coming. Why would she? He'd asked Jackie not to say he was the one inviting her. He didn't want to scare her off. And of course Jackie, with her
categorical lack of subtlety, hinted she knew why he and Nicole weren't even attempting to be casual with one another anymore. He didn't know how she'd found out and he wasn't going to ask. He just knew there was an understanding in her tone, a lack of menace and attempts to negotiate their reunion that spoke to her intimate knowledge of the situation. He was just throwing the invitation out there, but he didn't know if she would bite.

  Bite? What, are you trying to trap her? Just because she's not with Travis anymore, it doesn't mean...

  And that's when she walked in.

  He registered Jackie and Ian in his periphery, but his heart and eyes were with her.

  Her hair had grown some. It was brushing her shoulders now, her bangs swept to the side to hide that little scar from her fall. A black dress covered her curvy frame, lacy straps caressing the curve of her shoulders and scooping in front to decorate her ample chest. The skirt was a similar lace that fell to mid-thigh, red heels making her long legs look even longer.

  His mind transported him like a bullet back to the night two years ago when he'd taken her out to celebrate Fool the World's record deal. Some things just didn't change, like the way she looked in a black dress, or the way she made him feel when he hadn't seen her in a while. That, and their ability to reunite just in time to say goodbye, would always be the same.

  He hugged his old friends — his surrogate sister and brother since their college days. And he heard himself from a distance say, "Hey, Nicole."

  She smiled at him, guarded and soft. "Hey, Gabriel."

  Like magnets they moved forward at the same time to embrace. His arms slid around her waist at the same time hers slid around his neck. His entire body exhaled at the closeness of her. The smell of lilacs made him close his eyes, and without thinking he lifted her up against the length of his body.

  He was lost for a moment, only able to respond to the feel of her against him, stretched to her full height, all curves and soft skin and the smell of his dreams come to life. Missing her was a state of mind he'd grown accustomed to. Having her in his arms was the antidote to that, until she pulled away. She smiled at him, but again it was that guarded, quizzical smile. Unsure of proper etiquette, they pulled apart and stepped away. There was no Travis there to part them, just memories and awkwardness, but that was enough.

  "Well, join the party, grab a drink!" Jonny drunkenly exclaimed. "We're going out with a fuckin' bang tonight!"

  That was great advice. He needed another drink to deal with this shit, for sure. His body tingled from her closeness, and he fought its response to a simple hug, the first he'd shared with her since the last time they made love over six months ago.

  It didn't matter how much he had to drink. It didn't matter who he was talking to. It didn't matter where he was in the room. His eyes always found her. But he kept his distance. He didn't know how she was going to respond to him. They hadn't spoken since that text message, and she was doing her best to keep her distance too. The only thing that let him know he was affecting her was that she kept looking in his direction, and then looking away.

  Something in him was stirring in spite of his efforts to quell it. He was in large part to blame for her breakup with The Warden — the nickname made him smile internally and then wilt with guilt shortly after — and though that may have filled him with a sense of accomplishment in the basest part of his mind, in his heart he knew she couldn't have been happy about hurting Travis. It had been Nicole's choice to sleep with him and she had to own that, but he'd been complicit in that wrongdoing. He'd wanted her back so badly he'd done everything he could to make it come true, even allow her to shoulder the guilt of cheating. He hadn't thought past the moment of having her back, and that had been his fault as much as hers.

  It was time to grow up.

  Nicole tilted her head slightly, lost in the sight of Gabriel across the room, smiling softly and then furrowing his brow. His dark glossy hair caught the light, and his tan skin glowed under his rust red t-shirt, and dark, torn jeans. He'd shaved, leaving the smooth lines of his neck and chiseled face bare for her hungry inspection. She could see that signature necklace around his neck. His long fingers curling around a beer bottle made her skin tingle. And when he brought it to his full lips to chug...

  Her eyes darted away as he looked up and caught her staring at him. Again. It was like there was no one else at this damn party but him and his irresistible pull. Why had she even come if all she was going to do was avoid him and ignore her desire to talk to him... all while staring at him like a creepy stalker from across the room?

  Why, indeed?

  What the fuck? Go for it. It's his last night here and you've got nothing else to lose.

  She downed the last of her drink, set the glass down on a table, and made her way to him.

  Her skin caught fire at the quick glance he couldn't hide as he watched her. Up and down, chocolate brown eyes caressed her frame from heels to eyes. He was trying to do the right thing and give her space, she knew. He'd always tried to do right by her, even when they were both doing wrong. Strange how the desire to protect her would always be his greatest mistake when it came to her. Treating her like she was fragile had been his role, as much as worshiping him had been hers.

  She wasn't fragile. She wasn't easily broken, no matter how much she feared that she was. She was no victim. It had taken a long time to come to terms with that. It had taken a long time for her to own her choices and their consequences. If she'd been honest with him from the beginning and all the way through...

  She sighed and gathered herself. No more “what ifs”. No more “what could have beens”. She was in the present now, walking towards Gabriel. She tried not to attach any monikers to him. He wasn't her ex, her former lover, or the man who still made her knees weak, the man who had hurt her. He was just Gabriel, the person who still made her happy on some deep level. A person she cared for and wanted to see off with an open heart and kind words.

  She smiled when she came to stand before him, and said with all the bravery she could muster, "I got tired of staring at you from across the room and pretending it would make this less awkward."

  He stared down at her for a moment, his eyes searching hers, diving into her the way his body had so many times before. Then he smiled, softly at first, and then broadly, a sheepish tilt of his head and a chuckle following shortly after.

  "I didn't think you'd come after everything..."

  It wasn’t hard to interpret his hesitant statement. "You heard."

  "Yeah. Trish brought it up about a week back," he said. "I felt bad. I would have called or something, but... I mean, fuck, I didn't know what to say about it. What would I have said that wouldn't make it worse?"

  She nodded, swept away a stray hair from her bangs, and looked away. It was still a sore spot, perhaps it always would be. Her final memory of her life with Travis would be his absence as she took the last of her boxes, and packed them into the trunk of her car. An empty space. Another "what if" in a long line of them.

  "There was nothing to say really. It just ran its course," she said finally. "It was a mistake, but it wasn't you. It was me. I didn't love him the way I..."

  Sparks so hot they were blue-white flashed between them. His face, the proximity of his body, there was no getting around that he understood — that they both understood — the implications of the breakup and what it meant. She'd never loved Travis as much she loved him. And Gabriel hadn't been serious with another woman since their breakup. But they were standing single before each other, preparing to say goodbye again. This had been their story so many times before.

  What do you want, Nicole? What do you really want?

  She'd only just now started asking that question of herself, but the answers were quick.

  To get over him. To stop feeling like we made a mistake. To stop letting our friends and family down, because we won't get back together. To forget how much I loved him. To believe it was nothing. To find love again with someone else. I want..
.

  She'd gotten so used to repeating these phrases that when the truth sputtered to the surface she almost didn't recognize it. But there it was, bold and bright in her mind, undeniable when she stared at him in the present, free of the victim mantle and the childish illusions she'd let herself hold onto for too long.

  I want...

  And after a moment of true thought, the words became clear, solid as the air she was breathing.

  I want to be honest. I want to be truthful.

  I want the love of my life back.

  From that thought real words followed.

  "I didn't love him as much as I loved you. I'm not sure I ever will love someone like that," she replied softly, forcing herself not to look away. "That was the real reason we broke up and he knew it from the beginning. I lied to him until I couldn't anymore and he just got tired of waiting on a lie. We both did."

  The truth. Nothing more, nothing less. She exhaled deeply and forced herself to take in the look on his face. He bit down on his bottom lip and looked away from her for a second.

  "That might be the alcohol talking," she said quickly. "I'm sorry. Things shouldn't be getting so heavy right now. This is supposed to be a celebration." She shook her head and took a step backwards. "Ugh, I don't know why I said that. I just—"

  "You just wanted to be honest. You've always wanted to be that way with me, Nicole. It's one of the many things I... love about you."

  Suddenly she had the feeling she was being watched, and Gabriel smirked and shook his head at whatever he was looking at over her shoulder. When she turned to look, Jonny and Q were pretending to have a tearful reconciliation. Q was placing his hand over Jonny's mouth to give him a fake kiss on the back of his own hand, to which Jonny loudly responded, "Oh Gabriel!! I've missed you so!!"