Don’t Close Your Eyes

by Ali Parker

  “So Luke decided that he should probably meet my Dad, so they could sort out any issues that Dad might have with this whole thing,” I continued.

  “Oh wow,” Nina said in surprise. “I knew you had feelings for him, but I didn’t realize the two of you were at that point just yet. You must really care about him if you’re already willing to let him meet your dad.”

  “It’s not like things are serious between us yet,” I protested. “We just both want to be able to date. Without Dad being upset about it, or feeling like we’re sneaking around.”

  “But you are at least going to be dating now?” Nina pressed.

  I couldn’t keep the silly grin from my face. “I guess so,” I admitted. “He said that he likes me, Nina.”

  “That’s so wonderful,” Nina sighed, shaking her head. “You know, I always knew you were going to find the perfect guy for you one day.”

  I laughed. “I don’t know if Luke is that,” I told her. “I mean, sure, I like him. A lot. But I just don’t know—it’s all happened pretty fast.” I trailed off, shrugging my shoulders, and Nina giggled.

  “Next thing you know, you’re going to have two little kids for me to play auntie to.”

  “I’d settle for two little pups,” I said wryly. “Things with Duck are going really well.”

  “Are you still going to be working over there next week?” Nina asked.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I wanted to talk to Luke about that today, but it just didn’t feel right. For all I know, Dad’s going to do something tomorrow night at dinner that will make Luke never want to see me again.”

  “I doubt he’d do that,” Nina said, shaking her head. “We both know that your Dad just wants to make sure you’re okay. That you have the whole world at your feet.”

  I grinned at that all-too-apt description of things. “You’re right,” I agreed. Then, I frowned. “I actually was thinking I might go over there after dinner tonight. I’m a little worried. I know that we have a serious conversation we’re saving for tomorrow, but usually, he calls to check in on me more often than this. I hadn’t heard from him since early on Wednesday, when I stopped by on my way over to the Dawson place. And lately, it’s been pretty much every day that I hear from him, so it just seems a little strange.”

  Nina snorted. “Maybe he finally found some companionship of his own,” she suggested. “Maybe he’s busy.”

  “The timing on that would be way too coincidental,” I said. “Besides, I haven’t been able to get him out of the house for years now, not unless it was something to do with the farm.” I paused. “To be honest, I’m kind of worried that he’s mad at me. He didn’t want me to have anything to do with Luke, not even in a working capacity, and definitely not dating, and here I am, bringing the guy over for dinner.”

  Nina shook her head. “I don’t think your dad could ever be so mad that he quit speaking to you,” she said.

  “I wouldn’t have thought so either, but I also wouldn’t have expected him to be this anti-Luke,” I said. “I just wish I knew what was going through his head with that.”

  “Do you think things are really going to improve once you bring Luke over to your dad’s place?” Nina asked. “How did you manage to convince your dad that it was a good idea, anyway?”

  “I didn’t, not really,” I sighed. “I just told him that it was very important to me, and promised that if Dad still wanted me to have nothing to do with Luke after he’d met him, that I’ll listen to him.” I pushed some food around on my plate. “ I guess I’m pretty much finished with training Duck now, anyway, so it wouldn’t be the end of the world.”

  “Unless it breaks your heart,” Nina said.

  I laughed, but the sound was hollow. “We’re hardly to that point already,” I told her, even though I had my doubts.

  Thinking rationally, I knew I didn’t know Luke well enough to be so head over heels for him. Especially not since we’d only just decided that we wanted to date. But the idea of never seeing him again, of not being allowed to see him again, made me feel empty inside. I hated the very thought of it.

  “I’m sure things are going to be okay, either way,” Nina said.

  “I don’t know, you didn’t see how upset Dad was when I told him I’d had dinner with Luke last weekend.”

  “He just wants what’s best for you,” Nina said. “Take it from a mom.” She grinned at me. “He probably just doesn’t think Luke is good enough for you. He probably thought you’d end up with a veterinarian or something. Not just some farm-boy.”

  I laughed. “You’re probably right,” I said, feeling my spirits lift for the first time in days. I had been so worried about this dinner with Dad that it felt like I hadn’t taken a proper breath since we’d set it up. It was part of why I’d been so glad that Nina had the evening free tonight. Dinner with her would calm me down a little. She had a knack for getting me to relax. For getting me to realize that maybe there could be a good outcome to all of this.

  After dinner, I left Nina’s in good spirits and headed over to Dad’s place to check on him. It was silly to be worried, and I thought about just leaving it until the next day. If he really was just saving up his words for a big conversation the next day, then I should leave him to it.

  But I’d tried calling him a couple of times today, just to double-check timing for tomorrow night, and he hadn’t picked up. That was strange, for him. He was always there if I needed him. And something about this just didn’t feel right. I would feel better if I checked in on him. Even if I felt a little silly for doing so.

  When I got to Dad’s place, the lights were all still on, but when I poked my head inside and called out a hello, there was no answer. I frowned and started searching through the place. Maybe he was out at the barn working on some of the paperwork or something. Or chatting with the horses. He always pushed himself too hard, trying to do too much around the farm.

  I made a mental note to revisit the idea of hiring more help around the place. Dad was getting up there in years, and he could use it. I knew he liked to keep busy, so convincing him to accept help was going to be a struggle, but it was about time he listened to reason.

  Finally, I found him in his study, and screamed when I saw him sprawled on the floor. I got him turned over on his back, noting how grey his face looked. But he was still breathing, the sounds were noisy and rasping, but still very much there.

  “Dad! Dad, what’s wrong?” I asked.

  Dad’s eyes flicked open. “Brea?” he asked. “Is it already Saturday?”

  “No, it’s Friday. Friday night. I just came to check on you. Oh my God, Dad.” I was already pulling out my phone to dial 911. “Yes, operator, it’s an emergency,” I said, immediately, trying to stay calm so I could provide the information.

  Dad held up a hand and feebly tried to stop the call. “I don’t need an ambulance,” he said.

  I put my hand over the phone. “Are you joking?” I asked. “Jesus, Dad, I just found you laying on the floor. Something is clearly wrong. I’d drive you to the hospital myself, but I’m not sure if I’m supposed to move you, or if I even could move you. I don’t think I’m strong enough.” I was babbling, nearly hysterical, and I took a deep breath to calm myself down. Then, I turned back to the phone call.

  “Yeah, I just got to my dad’s place and found him sprawled on the floor.” I listened for a moment. “Dad, did you have a fall?” I asked.

  “I don’t really remember,” Dad said, frowning and looking puzzled. And that was the scariest part of it all. “I was going to my desk, and I just remember not feeling right. My fingers started to go numb and then the next thing I knew, you were here.”

  I relayed this information to the woman at the other end of the line. “We won’t know for sure until we do some tests on him, but it sounds like it may have been something with his heart. We’ll be on our way with an ambulance. Can you give me the address?”

  I rattled off the address and then hung up the phone. “A
n ambulance is on the way,” I grimly told Dad.

  “I don’t need an ambulance!” he insisted, struggling to sit up. But that only seemed to make his breathing worse.

  “Dad, please. For once in your life, just listen to me,” I said, unable to stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. “Just relax. Let me take care of you.”

  “I never wanted you to see your old dad like this,” Dad grumbled, but he relaxed back, and when the ambulance arrived, he let them put him on a stretcher and carry him out that way. I followed after them, my tears blurring the red and blue lights as we drove toward the hospital.

  I remembered that horseback ride I had gone on with Dad. How I had known that something must be wrong with him, but why hadn’t he told me about this? Just because of stupid pride? Because he didn’t want me to see him like this? I didn’t even know the name of his doctor or anything like that. How was I supposed to help, if I didn’t even know what was going on?

  How could I have let him overwork himself at the farm for so long? I was a terrible daughter.

  I just hoped this wasn’t as serious as it looked. But I couldn’t seem to stop picturing Dad lying there on the floor. God, he might have been laying there dead and no one would have known. I should have gone over there the instant he failed to return my calls. Instead, I had spent the whole day over at Luke’s, and then gone to Nina’s for dinner. I was so wrapped up in my own life that it was as though Dad’s life didn’t even matter to me.

  “Ms. Knight?” one of the doctor’s tentatively asked.

  “Yeah,” I sniffed.

  “Ms. Knight, I’m Dr. Lawrence. It’s nice to finally meet you. I’ve been your father’s primary care physician for years now.”

  “What’s going on?” I asked. “Dad’s sick, isn’t he?”

  “Well, he’s having some trouble with his heart,” Dr. Lawrence explained, sitting in one of the seats across from me, and leaning forward to show me some pamphlets that presumably explained exactly what was going on.

  “I’m sorry to say this, but I don’t really care about the science part of it,” I told him. “I just want to know how we’re going to fix it. It is possible to fix it, isn’t it?”

  “It should be,” Dr. Lawrence said. “Now, there are risks with every procedure, but your father is a very strong man, and his operation should be relatively uncomplicated.”

  “Operation?” I asked, my own heart stopping for a moment.

  “Yes,” the doctor confirmed, nodding his head. “Your father needs open-heart surgery. It’s something that we’ve discussed in the past and your father was against it, but at the moment, I think it’s the only way to proceed.”

  I swallowed hard, my whole body feeling frozen. Open heart surgery. Dad had never even mentioned that that was a possibility. Why hadn’t he told me about it? Not that I could really give him an opinion on whether or not he should do it, but if it was what his doctor had recommended in the past, why hadn’t Dad listened to him?

  But I really knew the answer to that question before I even had to ask it. Because Dad was stubborn. Because he thought that he could overcome anything through the sheer force of his will.

  Or maybe because he was lonely. Maybe he didn’t feel he had enough that was worth living for anymore. With me moving out of the house, it was just him and the horses most days. Even though I’d tried to be good about visiting him, I knew it probably wasn’t enough.

  Again, I felt guilt wash over me.

  “Now, the main thing you should know is that the surgery comes with a pretty hefty price tag,” the doctor said, delicately. “And the last time we talked, your father told me he had let his insurance lapse a few years ago.”

  It was just one thing after another. I shook my head, hardly even believing his words. Without insurance, we would never be able to afford the surgery. And what the hell had Dad been thinking, letting his insurance lapse? He was getting to the age where he must know he might need that.

  Unless it wasn’t a choice on his part. Maybe he’d been struggling to pay his bills all this time, and I hadn’t even noticed. I knew that upkeep on a farm wasn’t cheap, and I knew that we weren’t getting as many lessons as we used to. Our stables weren’t as flashy and new as some of the others in the area, and Dad was too old to be teaching anything too fancy in terms of riding. We didn’t do showjumping or any of the other ‘cool’ events.

  Shit, how could I have missed all of this?

  “I’ll give you some time to think about it,” Dr. Lawrence said, getting to his feet. “We’re trying to get his vitals stabilized for now, but once we’ve done that, I’ll have someone let you in to see him.”

  “Thanks,” I said faintly. What the hell was I going to do? I couldn’t exactly afford to pay for Dad’s heart surgery, and I suspected that he couldn’t either. What’s more, I could feel hysteria bubbling up inside of me again. I swallowed hard, just wanting to go back there and talk to Dad right now. Even though I didn’t have a clue what I would say to him.

  There was someone else I could talk to, though. Someone who would anchor me through all of this. I picked up my phone and called Luke and he promised to be there right away.

  27

  Luke

  I drove like a maniac to get to the hospital, just praying that I didn’t get pulled over. Brea’s voice, when she called, sounded so frail, like she was two seconds away from breaking down. I was a little surprised that I was the person she’d called in this situation, but I wanted nothing more than to comfort her.

  When I walked into the hospital, she immediately flew into my arms, burrowing against me. I could feel her shaking, and I didn’t protest the way she held me a little too tight. Instead, I lightly stroked her hair. “Shh,” I murmured. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

  “You don’t know that,” Brea protested.

  “Sure I do,” I told her. “Everything’s always okay in the end. Now, why don’t you tell me what’s going on.”

  Brea hadn’t given me many details over the phone. She had just told me that something was wrong with her dad and that she was at the hospital. And she was right, I couldn’t possibly know that everything was going to be okay, but I figured the more faith I had in everything working out, the calmer she would be.

  “He had some sort of heart attack or something,” Brea said, leading me over to one of the benches. “It was so scary. I went over there because I hadn’t heard back from him all day, and I guess I knew something must be wrong. So I wanted to check on him. I wanted to make sure he was still okay with the dinner tomorrow, but he was just sprawled on the floor. I had to call an ambulance. I don’t even know how long he’d been laying there.”

  I put an arm around her, rubbing her shoulders. “Have you been in to see him yet?” I asked.

  “No, the doctor said something about getting him stabilized. He said they'd let me know when I can go in to see him.”

  “And did the doctor say anything else?” I asked. “Or do you want me to try to track him down?”

  “He started to explain what was going on with Dad, but I just wanted to know how we were going to fix it,” Brea said, looking embarrassed. I couldn’t help but grin, despite the severity of the situation, it sounded just like her.

  “And what did he say?”

  “Dad needs open-heart surgery,” Brea admitted, her voice hushed. “But he also said that Dad apparently let his insurance lapse some years ago, so there’s no way we’re going to be able to cover it. I just don’t know what to do.”

  “Did the doctor say there were any possible alternatives?”

  “He didn’t say,” Brea said. “I didn’t think to ask.” She rubbed at her temples. “I just feel so unprepared for all of this. I don’t even know what questions I should be asking.”

  “That’s okay,” I told her. “Let me handle the doctor. You just calm yourself down, and when it’s time to go see your dad, you go do that.”

  “How are you so calm?” Brea asked suddenly. “I know
he’s not your dad, but you seem like you know all the right things to say.”

  I shrugged one shoulder. “I went through all of this with my mom, when she was sick,” I said. “I know what you’re going through right now.”

  “Thank you for being here,” Brea said, giving me a small, watery smile. But it was a smile all the same, and I’d take whatever I could get.

  One of the nurses cleared her throat nearby, spoiling the moment. We both looked up. “Mr. and Mrs. Knight? You can go in to see Mr. Knight, Sr. now.”

  Brea was on her feet in an instant, not even seeming to notice that the nurse had assumed that she and I were married. I thought about correcting the woman, but I wasn’t sure I would be allowed to go back with Brea if they knew I wasn’t actually married to her. I wasn’t a blood relation, after all.

  I followed her back there. “I’m not sure that now is the best time for me to meet your dad,” I said quietly.

  Brea paused, but she reached out to hold my hand for a moment. “I want you there,” she said softly. “But maybe you’re right. We don’t want to stress him out or anything.” She lingered outside the door for a moment, though, clearly uncertain.

  “Go on,” I told her, nudging her toward the door. “I’ll be right here when you come out.”

  “Okay,” Brea said, and her relief was almost tangible. She leaned up on her toes and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before she disappeared into her dad’s hospital room.

  I paced outside for a moment and then called Daddy.

  “Is something wrong?” Daddy asked immediately. “It’s pretty late for you to be calling.”

  “Everything’s okay,” I said. “Well, not everything. Brea’s dad is in the hospital, and she asked me to be here. I don’t want to upset the man, though. I was just wondering what it is that you two have against one another.”

  Daddy sighed. “All right, I may as well tell you. Your mother was with Brea’s father before she was with me,” he finally said. “I never did anything bad. Your mother certainly didn’t cheat on the man, but he’s hated me ever since she chose me over him.”