Exposed: A Jaded Regret Novel

by L. L. Collins

  It doesn’t hold a candle to you. I moved closer and looked out the window with her, pointing out some of the major landmarks as we passed them. It was an excuse to get near her again. Her hair tickled my cheek, and her shoulder pressed into my arm. I wanted to put my arm around her, but I knew that was too much, too soon. I might’ve spent weeks—months—waiting for this moment right here, but she had no idea how I felt about her. If I had anything to do with it, by the time she went home she would know.

  I wanted Natalie Anderson to be mine.

  She smelled heavenly. I wondered if it was her shampoo, lotion, or some perfume she wore. It excited me to think about her things in my bathroom, sharing my space for the next several days. I still couldn’t believe she agreed to stay with me, but I was grateful to have the time to get to know her in person.

  Hell, I couldn’t believe I’d offered. While I did well for myself, my apartment was tiny as many were in the city. As it was, she would take my bedroom, and I’d be on the couch, dreaming every second about her lying in my bed.

  I may never wash my sheets again.

  We talked about everything but nothing of any significance as we watched the city go by us in a blur. When we arrived at my favorite Italian restaurant in the heart of the city, I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or sad our ride was over.

  “Thanks, Bruce. We can get home from here. If you could deliver her bags to my apartment, that would be great.” The driver nodded as he let us out. I shook his hand and then turned back to Natalie.

  She stood, her back to me, looking at all the people, cars, and buildings. She was unaware I watched her, so I allowed myself to stare at her for another moment.

  Natalie held a small black leather bag on her shoulder, her fingers wrapped around the strap. Her fingernails were painted a bright pink that reminded me of her lips. I allowed my gaze to go down her back to her long legs. She wore small heels that her toes peeked out of, also bright pink.

  “Kai? You ready?” Busted. The smirk on her face told me she saw me looking at her, but I honestly didn’t care. If we got it out in the open, that would be less torture I would put myself through.

  “Ready.” I put my hand on the small of her back, not able to stop myself from touching her. “Two for Pierson.”

  “Ah, yes. Mr. Pierson, please follow me.”

  The hostess took us toward the back of the small restaurant. The tables were intimate, lit by lamps on the tables and white tablecloths. She sat us at a table against the wall, surrounded by other tables but as private as we could get.

  I held out Natalie’s chair for her, and she sat, giving me a small smile as I sat across from her.

  “I can’t believe you’re here.” I chuckled. “It feels so good to meet you finally, though it seems like we’ve known each other forever.”

  Natalie toyed with a lock of her hair, twisting and turning it between her fingers. “It does. It’s nice to be here with you. We’ve talked so much it’s almost like we’ve met before.”

  In my dreams. “The good news is, we’re going to spend quite a bit of time together in the coming months.”

  She smiled up at our waitress as she approached the table, and I couldn’t stop looking at her. I loved her smile.

  We ordered drinks, and I watched Natalie look at the menu. The desire to spill exactly what I thought of her and what I wanted was so strong, I almost couldn’t contain it.

  Wait. This isn’t the time. I didn’t need to put her on the spot like that right when she got here. If she didn’t feel the same, it would be an awkward few days together.

  If she doesn’t want to be with me at all, I have no idea how I’ll continue working with her.

  I would. I’d handle it. There was no way I could continue this “friendship” façade now that I’d met her. Now that she was in my presence, my need for her multiplied with every second.

  “What are you going to get?” I knew I would get Patti’s special—it didn’t matter what it was.

  “What’s good here?” Natalie didn’t look up as she asked.

  “Everything. Truly. Whatever your favorite Italian dish is, get it. You won’t be disappointed.”

  “I won’t be?” Natalie leaned on her hand and looked across the table at me. I suddenly thought we were no longer talking about food.

  My throat instantly dry, I lifted my water glass and guzzled it. When I set it down, a playful look was still on her face.

  She was messing with me.

  “Never disappointed.” I purposely dropped my voice an octave to see if it changed her reaction.

  A blush crept up her cheeks, and I wanted to cheer. I did that.

  “Where to now?” Natalie linked her arm with mine as we walked out of the restaurant. It was wonderful, as expected. And the food was good, too.

  Natalie and I talked, joked, and flirted. I stopped myself from capturing her lips with mine multiple times over the last hour, especially when she lifted her fork and brought it to my mouth to taste her spaghetti.

  I did notice she didn’t eat much, doing a lot of pushing her food around her plate. She tried mine also, the eggplant parmesan. We drank wine and stayed away from the topic of work, Jaded Regret, or the international tour.

  “You’ll see.” I lifted my hand for a cab, and almost immediately one screeched to a stop next to us. I opened the door for her, and she slid in, me right behind her. “Central Park, please.”

  Natalie clapped her hands. “Yes! I love Central Park! We never have enough time to do fun things when I’m here with the band. Plus, it’s hard to go places with them. They end up signing autographs, and I have to take a million pictures of the band with their fans and we never get to do what we were there for in the first place.” She leaned into me, her eyes bright, and this time, I did reach out and tuck that stray piece of hair behind her ear.

  Our eyes connected and her mouth opened slightly. For just a moment, it appeared she was waiting for me to kiss her. God knew it was all I wanted.

  I wondered if her heart pounded in her chest like mine, or if her hands shook with both anticipation and nerves.

  I didn’t have time to figure it out because the cabbie slammed on the brakes. I jerked my head up to see we arrived already.

  The moment was broken. I paid him, took Natalie’s hand in mine, and pulled her out of the cab.

  “This way. We’re going to go to the south side of the park.”

  “What’s there?”

  I squeezed her fingers with mine. “It’s a surprise.”

  “I love surprises,” she said. “If they are good ones, of course.”

  “Only good ones with me,” I answered. “You’re only here for a few days. I want to make sure you do more than sit in a stuffy office and look at agendas.”

  Natalie laughed. “Thank you. I appreciate that. It would be a shame to be in this beautiful city and only see the walls of your office. Though I’ve been in that office before. It’s very nice.”

  It was nice, but would be even better with her in it.

  We turned the corner, and she saw the horse drawn carriages. Natalie gasped and picked up the pace. “Is that what we’re doing? Oh, please tell me that’s what it is!”

  She looked so young, so excited and carefree. I had the feeling she rarely got to be so uninhibited, and I planned on giving her as much opportunity as possible.

  “Yes. I thought this would be a fun way to see part of the city, enjoy the beautiful weather, and spend time together.”

  “It’s perfect.” Natalie went up on her toes and kissed my cheek. Before I could stop myself, I gripped her upper arms and stilled her. Looking into her large, questioning eyes, I lost my nerve.

  I couldn’t do it.

  I kissed her forehead before releasing her. “I’m glad you like it. Let’s go.” She reached for my hand this time, and we walked closer. The feeling of her hand in mine made me dizzy with need. “You pick which one you want.”

  Natalie scanned the row of beautiful hor
ses. “That one,” she said, pointing to a white horse with a flower in its mane.

  “You got it.” I checked in and requested Natalie’s horse since I already booked our custom carriage ride. Before I could help her, Natalie hopped up and sat down.

  “This is so cool.”

  I put my arm behind her on the large bench seat. I had to. For all the pep talks I gave myself about playing it cool, I was failing. Big time.

  The horse pulled away from the curb, and I watched Natalie’s face in the dusky sunlight as the guide pointed out some of the things in Central Park. I couldn’t tell you what he said, not that I needed to hear it.

  I couldn’t stop staring at her and wondering what I would do once we were alone in my apartment.

  Natalie wasn’t a conquest. Natalie was the prize, and I had to tread lightly with her.

  She leaned back, and I shifted my arm over her shoulder. When she didn’t flinch or move away, I breathed out a sigh of relief.

  I would give about anything to know what she was thinking.

  Chapter Eight

  Natalie

  He was killing me.

  Completely and totally killing every single cell in my body.

  He had to know what he was doing to me.

  He kept touching me.

  He looked at me like he wanted to kiss me.

  The why of it all threatened to come screaming from my mouth but I held my tongue.

  I always wanted to ride a horse and buggy through Central Park, but I couldn’t focus on a single word the guide was saying because Kai had his arm over my shoulders and his damn fingers tracing patterns on my skin. I wanted to grab his face and kiss the hell out of him, and that confused me.

  From the second we got into the town car at the airport, he gave me this vibe I didn’t understand. He looked at me like a man looked at a woman, not the way a friend looked at another friend.

  At dinner, I could barely choke down any food I was so knotted up over him. And now…

  I wanted to ask him, but I was afraid. I needed to know his end game. If he was just overly affectionate, fine. I knew he said he was a hugger, but this was different. I never met a guy like him before. He was the same friendly guy I’d gotten to know over the last several months, but there was something I couldn’t quite put my finger on with him since I got here.

  What my brain said was different than what my heart said.

  I had the feeling it would be a long few days.

  I knew I had the tendency to read into things. Just like when I had a thing for Tanner, I saw what I wanted to see. I justified. Rationalized.

  By the time we got back, and Kai helped me down out of the buggy, my nerves were shot. It was just about dark, the lights of the city taking over the fading sunlight.

  “Did you like it?”

  If I could think with you so close to me, yes. “It was great. I’ve always wanted to do that.”

  Kai grinned. “You ready to go back to my place? I’m always exhausted after traveling, so I’m sure you’re ready to relax.”

  Relax—I wasn’t sure I would sleep a wink over the next few days. “Sounds great. I want to see your little piece of New York.”

  “Well, it’s not much to see. You barely get into it, and you’re at the end.”

  He linked his fingers with mine again. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye as we walked. I almost asked him if he acted like this with all of his friends but kept my mouth shut. He told me he wasn’t interested in being with any women.

  I know he said it.

  “I’m not too far. Want to just walk and enjoy the sights?”

  I nodded, focused on the feeling of his fingers wrapped around mine and the way he kept brushing against me as we walked.

  “So I figured tomorrow we would go to the office for part of the day and then leave early and do some tourist stuff. I thought you might want to see One World Trade Center. And we have to go to the Empire State building, but at night.”

  “Do we have time to do all of that?”

  Kai stopped and stood toe to toe with me. People moved around us, horns honked, and life in this hectic city continued as we stood still on the sidewalk just outside Central Park.

  “Kai?”

  “Natalie.” The way he said my name—it did something to me inside. I was so confused. He needed to spell this out for me. “I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry?” He hadn’t done anything he needed to apologize for.

  “I wasn’t going to do this, but I just can’t…”

  Alarm traveled through my body, sending adrenaline pumping from head to toe.

  “You can’t what?” My voice was barely a whisper.

  “I shouldn’t. I know that. I’m going to scare you, and that’s not what I want to do at all. But, I—”

  “Kai.” I placed my hands on his upper arms, feeling the firm muscles underneath my fingertips. “What are you talking about?”

  Someone jostled me from behind, and I found myself completely thrown into Kai. His arms surrounded me to keep me from losing my balance. Tipping my face up to his, my breath caught at the look in his eyes. There it was again.

  That look.

  The meaning was lost on me.

  He ran his hands from my arms up to my face.

  I completely stopped breathing.

  “This.” He leaned over and brushed his lips gently against mine—soft, yet firm. He pulled back slightly and looked into my eyes before capturing my mouth again, this time with a little more force. He slid his thumbs back and forth on my cheeks as his warm, silky tongue teased my lips.

  I opened willingly, not understanding what was happening but refusing to stop it.

  Kai was kissing me. My friend Kai was kissing me.

  The one I thought didn’t like women.

  If this was not liking women, I didn’t know what was.

  Fire ignited a path through my body as our tongues met, tentative and careful. He tasted like mints, and I hoped I didn’t have garlic breath.

  All too soon, he pulled back and rested his forehead against mine. I wanted to say so many things, but I was too baffled to say anything, so I waited for him. My theory of him being gay flew right out the window the second he touched his lips to mine.

  “I’ve waited a long time to do that.”

  I tilted my head back so I could see him. “A long time?”

  “Since the first time I talked to you.”

  “But—” I shook my head. “How?”

  Kai grinned and rubbed his thumb across my bottom lip. I embarrassingly whimpered or made some strangulation sound. “I knew there was something about you from the first time we spoke.”

  “But you’d never seen me.”

  Kai shrugged. “I didn’t need to.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Simple.” Kai pulled me out of the way and walked us into a coffee shop. We found a table near the door and sat. “Do I think you’re attractive? Yes. For me, it’s not about the outside, though. Too much emphasis is put on what size someone is, what color their skin is, and whether or not their features are perfect enough. I’ve never been like that. Do I need to be attracted to a woman? Sure. But for me, that’s not a cut and dry thing.”

  There was no way this man was for real. Not only was he sitting here, in a coffee shop in Manhattan, telling me he had been attracted to me since the first time we spoke, but he was also telling me he didn’t care what I looked like.

  Seriously.

  “I thought you were gay.” Oh shit. I just said that out loud.

  Kai’s eyes had widened before he burst into uncontrollable laughter. He closed his eyes and threw his head back as he slapped his leg in amusement. I couldn’t help but laugh; he was so infectious. People looked at us, but it didn’t stop his outburst.

  I felt like I had to say something, even though he laughed. “Not that I care. Because I don’t, at all. I’m for love no matter—”

  “Natalie.” Kai held his stomach, and a te
ar escaped one of his eyes. “Oh, my God. What in the hell ever made you think that?”

  “I—well, I—”

  “Let’s go.” Kai wiped his eyes and pulled me to my feet. “We’re having this conversation in my apartment. I can’t wait to hear this.”

  He continued to laugh and look over at me, shaking his head in amusement every few seconds as we made our way a few blocks until he stopped in front of a building. I felt like a complete fool, but somehow, I found myself smiling along with him.

  “This is it. Home sweet home.” His eyes twinkled in the city lights.

  The realization Kai was not gay at all and had given me the best kiss of my life just minutes ago certainly changed things.

  I was about to go to Kai’s minuscule apartment with him.

  And he wasn’t gay.

  He was, in fact, very very into women.

  Or one woman.

  Me.

  The thought made my stomach twist and flip in anticipation.

  “That’s the whole tour.” Kai was right. It was a tiny, one-bedroom apartment that was twice as expensive in rent as my entire two-thousand-square-foot house in Florida.

  That was big-city living for you. It was modern and beautiful and had windows that overlooked the city. It was gorgeous, and I found myself longing for the excitement of living in a metropolis, which was weird since I’d never had any desire before to live somewhere like this.

  “Now, let’s get back to what we were discussing.”

  My cheeks flamed, and I covered my face before Kai moved my hands away.

  He chuckled again. “What made you think I was gay, Natalie?”

  I looked away from him. “I can’t remember exactly what you said, but it was when you sent me the picture. You said something about not caring about the line of women that would be waiting for you. So I thought that meant…”

  Kai smirked. “That’s not why I said that, Natalie.”

  “I–it isn’t?”

  “No. I don’t care about having a line of women wanting me because I don’t want any of them.”

  I twisted my hands in my lap. “Oh.”