Exposed: A Jaded Regret Novel

by L. L. Collins

  She had no idea what she did to me.

  Natalie Anderson was an intriguing, amazing woman.

  Just like I thought she was.

  Seeing her in person only solidified what I knew before she arrived.

  I wanted Natalie. And not just in a physical way, though I had talked myself down from the ledge multiple times since last night. Imagining her body under mine, her eyes closed in pleasure as I gave her what only I could…

  I needed to stop now before I dropped a weight on my foot or she looked over and saw a tent in my shorts.

  We were the only two in the gym, which wasn’t surprising since it was barely five in the morning. I finished my workout but continued to try to look busy. Natalie continued to run like her life depended on it, her earbuds in her ears.

  This morning, when she ran her hands down my chest and stopped at the waistband of my pants—I may have prayed to any god that would listen for her to continue.

  But then she shut down. Not that I would’ve taken it any further. I didn’t want to be the guy who promised her something and then went back on it the second things got heated. I wished there was something I could do, some way I could show her she was safe with me. Natalie was funny, charismatic, driven, sensitive…and closed off.

  Just when it seemed I’d broken through one part of her, another part would close.

  She made me tired just watching her run. Her muscles were taut and defined, but there was something I couldn’t quite put my finger on about the way she obsessively ran, the look in her eyes when I told her she was beautiful, and the way she avoided having much to do with food.

  I had two sisters, but neither of them acted like that. I didn’t know if she was just self-conscious, if something in her past made her have body issues, or if it was just part of the control I knew Natalie needed in all facets of her life.

  That’s why I tried to give her control over what would happen with us if anything. It pained me to think about letting her go back to Florida after a few days without anything solidified between us, but if that’s what I had to do to wait for her, I would.

  She was worth it.

  I knew she had feelings for me. The way she kissed me and looked at me, you couldn’t make that up. But it was the way she glanced away from me, and her eyes got that sad, far away look in them that concerned me.

  I didn’t know if I could be enough to pull her back from the melancholy that always took over.

  But I wanted to be.

  I chuckled at the look on her face last night when she said she thought I was gay. Never in my life would I have thought what I said to her about the photo would’ve made her think that. No wonder she’d been more open and transparent with me since then. It made perfect sense, the way she changed after I sent her the picture. All along I thought it was because she felt better about things, but now I understood.

  She thought I wasn’t a threat.

  That I didn’t want her.

  She found out last night how wrong she was.

  I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life.

  Which scared me, because I thought it was quite possible Natalie Anderson could end me.

  For the first time in my life, I felt like my heart was in the hands of someone else, and what she did with it could make or break me.

  On the other hand, I knew it wasn’t fair of me to put that kind of pressure on her. I had to force myself to take a step back from the feelings she evoked in me.

  I didn’t understand it, but for the first time, I knew I was head over heels for this woman, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. My heart wanted me to jump all in, but my head knew Natalie wasn’t ready.

  My head also wondered if she ever would be, while my heart was convinced I could win her over.

  Sure, she kissed me and flirted and laughed. But I saw her struggle. I knew she had reasons she never told me to keep people at arm’s length.

  I wondered if she would ever feel comfortable confiding in me.

  She caught my attention as I heard the treadmill slowing down. Natalie stepped down and grabbed her towel, wiping off the machine before turning around to wipe herself. Sweat dripped down her face and chest. Her shirt was soaked.

  I couldn’t stop my eyes from zeroing in on the muscles of her arms and chest as she flexed. The sweat made her skin shine, and I wanted to…

  “You all done?” The sound of her voice made my gaze snap up to her face. I wanted to say no, never, that I would like to spend my life staring at her.

  The corners of her mouth quirked up when I didn’t answer. “Kai? Are you done working out?”

  I blinked, my mind immediately back where it was supposed to be. “Yes. Just waiting for you.”

  “I’m ready.” She walked past me, and I almost groaned as she bent over to retrieve the towel that fell out of her fingers.

  “I’m starved. Ready to check out my cooking?”

  We reached the elevator, and she pressed the button, looking back at me with a small smile on her face. “Should I?”

  The doors opened, and we stepped in. I reached around her and hit the button for my floor. I think you should check out other things of mine, too. “I haven’t died yet. Been cooking for myself for a long time.”

  “Wow.” Natalie moved over to the large windows in my office that overlooked the city. I looked at the silhouette of her. She wore a pair of dress pants and a white button-down shirt with heels. Her hair was straight and styled perfectly. After our breakfast (where I saw her eat just a few bites of what I made), we got ready, and it was still early enough for us to get a lot of work done and then take off to sightsee.

  “I know this isn’t the first time I’ve been to New York, but it never ceases to amaze me just how big these buildings are. It’s a concrete jungle, that’s for sure, but beautiful at the same time. You have quite a view from here.”

  It sure is quite a view.

  “Ready to get to work?”

  Natalie turned back to me and sighed, biting her bottom lip as she approached the small table in my office. The artificial light highlighted her flawless skin. I didn’t think it did much for the complexion, but it sure as hell did for her.

  We sat and pored over contracts and flight schedules and tour details. We each had a computer and papers spread in front of us.

  At some point, Khara brought us coffee and bagels. Natalie sipped on the hot liquid, leaning back in her chair. She stretched her neck from one side to the other. She surprised me when she reached for the bagel and tore off a small piece.

  I watched as her lips wrapped around it, and her jaw worked as she chewed. I continued to stare, transfixed, as she swallowed and then licked her lips.

  Her gaze met mine, and she lifted her fingers to her face. “What? Do I have something on my face?”

  I sat back in my chair. “No. It’s just nice to look at you instead of these papers and computer screen.”

  Natalie smiled. “You’re too sweet.” She ripped another piece of bagel, and I watched as she put it in her mouth. I never wished to be a piece of baked bread in my life, but I’d give anything to be one right now.

  “What do you say we wrap it up for the day?”

  Natalie looked over at the stack of papers on the table. “For the day?”

  I knew we still had a lot to do, but we also accomplished a lot already. Plus, as much as I loved having her work side by side with me, it wasn’t anything I couldn’t do another time.

  I shrugged. “We’ve been here a long time already, and we’ve made real progress. It’s after noon. I’d like to get you a proper New York lunch and get out and do something fun. What do you say?”

  “Are we going to have time to get everything done before I leave if we don’t work through the day today?” Natalie bit that damn lip again, and it took everything in me not to pull her chair over to me and take her mouth with mine like I wanted to all morning.

  My stomach clenched at the thought of her leaving. It wasn’t like
I thought I could keep her forever once she came here, but I didn’t want to think about our time running out.

  Before I could stop myself, I reached out and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. Her eyes widened at my touch, and I found myself lost in the depth of them.

  “Heart or head?” I whispered.

  She furrowed her brow. “What?” Her voice matched mine in pitch.

  “Do you want to know what my heart wants or what my head says?” My body leaned into hers, our arms touching on the armrest of her chair. I could feel her breath against my face, and if I turned just slightly, my lips would be on hers.

  “Um…both?”

  It was the perfect answer. I shifted enough and put my hand on the back of her head. With just the right amount of pressure, I pulled her to me and captured her mouth. She whimpered as I slipped my tongue between her lips. She tilted her head and deepened the kiss. I cracked my eyes open, needing nothing more than to see her at this moment.

  She had hers open, too. We didn’t look away as we slowed the kiss down. Much too soon, I pulled my mouth from hers.

  “Was that heart or head?” Natalie’s breath wafted over me.

  “It was both. My heart wants you, so my head is following suit.”

  She stared at me, her eyes wide and her mouth slightly open.

  “What’s winning right now, Natalie? Heart or head?”

  She looked away from me and out the large window. “My head always tries to take over my heart. Always.” The way she said it made me ache.

  “Hey.” I shifted her chin, so she had to look back at me. “Don’t turn those beautiful eyes away from me. You know what we have to do?”

  I stood and gathered the papers on the table, shoving them into the briefcase I carried. Closing the lids of the computers, I slid them into the case with the papers.

  “What?” Natalie finally said.

  I slung the briefcase strap over my shoulder and grabbed hold of her hand. The feeling of her fingers in mine and the tingling still on my lips from our kisses forced the words from my mouth.

  “We just have to find a way to shut that head up and let your heart speak.”

  “Have you ever eaten from a street vendor in New York?” Natalie lifted her eyebrow at me, and I laughed. “No? Well, let me be the first to introduce you to the best hot dogs in the world.”

  “Hot dogs?” Her nose wrinkled up, and it made me want to pull her to me and kiss the hell out of her. Again.

  I loved her fingers twined with mine and the way I saw her look at me out of the corner of her eye as we walked like she wasn’t quite sure what to make of all this.

  “Yes, Natalie. Hot dogs. Don’t hate on New York hot dogs until you’ve tried them.”

  I stepped up to the vendor and ordered two of my favorites, plus two bottles of water. I knew Natalie didn’t drink anything else other than coffee, and I didn’t need to ask her how she had her hot dog because I knew she didn’t eat them.

  But she would today.

  Or at least I hoped she would.

  I paid for our food, and he handed them to me. Natalie grabbed the waters, and we stepped to the side.

  “Want to walk and eat?”

  Natalie looked down at the hot dog I handed her and then back at me. “Sure.” All of a sudden, she seemed…nervous. Her eyes flicked back and forth between the food and me.

  I unwrapped my hot dog and took a large bite, hoping to encourage her to try it. I groaned in an over exaggerated fashion, winking at her when she looked at me open mouthed.

  “It’s good,” I said, my mouth full of food. I indicated hers. “Try it.”

  She stared at the foil like it would reach out and strike her. Just when I was about to ask her what was the matter, she began to unwrap it slowly.

  “Let’s stop.” I pulled her over to a bench and sat down. “Then you can have the full experience.”

  People bustled everywhere around us. Business people were barking out orders on their phones, kids listened to music, and older people walked dogs.

  I shoved the last bite into my mouth and opened my water bottle, downing it in just a few gulps. Since I rarely got lunch, this was a special treat to me. I should’ve gotten two.

  I looked over at Natalie and saw her nibble a small bite at the end of the still intact hot dog.

  “Do you not like it?”

  She shifted her gaze to me. “N-no. I like it. I’m just savoring it.”

  I watched her, feeling like I was way off on something but not understanding what that might be. She twisted the cap to her water bottle and drank half the bottle in one gulp.

  “Natalie.”

  She didn’t look at me right away, and I knew something was bothering her—the hot dog or me. I didn’t understand, but I wanted to.

  “Let’s walk.” Natalie stood up abruptly and shoved the water bottle in her purse so she could hold the hot dog. “Where were you thinking of going?”

  I hurried to catch up to her, wondering what was going on in her head. I wanted to ask her, but doubted she’d tell me. Natalie had to do things in her own time, and I had to accept that.

  “I want to take you to the 9/11 Memorial and One World Trade Center if that’s okay. Then I have dinner reservations and a special surprise for later tonight.”

  She smiled, that heart-throbbing, pulse-quickening smile that made me weak in the knees. “That sounds fantastic. I’ve wanted to see the memorial ever since it was finished. Thank you, Kai.”

  “For what?”

  She indicated around her. “For all this. For wanting me here. For…” Natalie glanced away, and I wanted to beg her to continue.

  But she just twined her fingers with mine and let me lead her.

  Natalie ran her fingers along the etched names. She looked out over the water feature, watching as it continued in an endless cycle. I thought I saw a shimmer of tears in her eyes, but I couldn’t be sure. I’d been here many times, but it always evoked a powerful emotional response. I was a teenager when the horrible terrorist attacks happened, and I felt like I grew up honoring the fallen.

  People talked in hushed tones as they looked at the seemingly endless names that surrounded the memorial.

  “It’s so sad,” Natalie finally whispered. She looked over at me, and it was then that I saw the stray tear gathered in her bottom eyelashes.

  I nodded. “It is.”

  “Where were you?” She didn’t have to ask me what she meant.

  “I was in high school. It was—” How did you describe something that changed the course of your life? “Awful. Just like you imagine it would be.”

  She nodded, accepting that answer. “I was in high school, too. I remember when the announcement came over the speaker and told everyone to turn on our televisions in our classrooms. Then we were allowed to go home if our parents wanted us to. Of course, I was in foster care, so…”

  She didn’t have to finish her thought. My heart broke for her. No one cared enough to pick her up and make sure she was okay, or even ask her what she thought of all of it. I thought of my mom the day it happened when I got home. She wrapped me in her arms and just cried, grateful I was there. We knew so many lost that day.

  Natalie reached out and touched the side of my face with her fingers, and I sucked in a breath. It was inappropriate that I wanted to kiss her here. I hated to see her sad, and I wanted to take it away from her even if I knew it wasn’t possible to erase all her hurt.

  “Let’s go,” I said, needing to move before I took her in my arms right here and now.

  “Go where?”

  I pointed to the top of One World Trade Center. “To the observatory. We have tickets.”

  Natalie looked up and then back to me. “Up there?”

  Uh oh. I hadn’t thought of her being afraid of heights. “Yes. Is that okay?”

  “Yes. I didn’t think we were going inside. It’s enough just to be standing here. I feel like a country bumpkin just let off the farm.”

&nbs
p; We both laughed, and I bumped her gently, lightening the mood. “Well come on then, bumpkin…let’s get a move on.”

  I slung my arm around her shoulders like I did it all the time. Because I wanted it to be second nature for both of us to be touching. She leaned into me, and I got a whiff of her shampoo. It wasn’t lost on me how hard it was for Natalie to let go and give any part of herself to me, even as simple as lying her head on my shoulder.

  We were quiet all the way to the observatory. When she saw New York from so high up, she gasped. I loved seeing everything through her. It made it all new again.

  “This is beautiful.”

  I wrapped my arms around her from behind and rested my chin against her shoulder. “Yes, it is.” Except I wasn’t talking about the view. It was, but it wasn’t anything in comparison to the woman in my arms.

  “Are you for real, Kai?” Her voice was merely a whisper as she looked out over the city. I wanted to turn my face and kiss the soft skin of her neck just to see if it tasted as sweet as I assumed it would.

  “Am I for real about what?” I whispered back. I was afraid to make my voice higher for fear of stopping her from saying whatever she was about to say, but I had to see her face. Natalie showed so much more in her eyes than she thought.

  I turned her in my arms, so she faced me now instead of the city. Natalie swallowed and then licked her lips, making the plump pink shine even more than they naturally did. My libido jolted, wishing for something I knew I wouldn’t do, and she definitely wasn’t ready for.

  “A-about me?” She indicated around us. “About…all this?”

  “New York?” I teased. Her lips quirked in a small smile. “I love New York.”

  She moved like she was going to turn back and let me off the hook, so I grabbed her hands and held them to keep her from turning away. She opened her mouth to speak, but I pulled her body against mine. Her eyes opened in surprise. I captured her lips, framing her face with my hands and holding her against me as our lips moved together. She tasted like strawberry lip gloss and something even more addictive—Natalie.