Exposed: A Jaded Regret Novel

by L. L. Collins

  When I reluctantly pulled back, I left my hands on her face as we stared into each other’s eyes. I felt her heart racing against my chest. “I’m completely, totally, absolutely for real, Natalie. Do you believe me yet?”

  She nodded, biting her lip between her teeth. “I like you, Kai.” The admission was just above a whisper, and I had the feeling those simple words were tough for her to say.

  “I like you too, Natalie.” I smiled. “You know what else I like?”

  She tilted her head. “What?”

  “Kissing you. It’s like an out of body experience. I have to force my head to stay attached to my body so it doesn’t float into outer space.”

  She laughed. “I make you want to float into outer space? I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

  “Let me explain better,” I said. I tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. It was quickly becoming my favorite thing to do. People moved around us, but I didn’t care. I wanted tonight to be all about her being comfortable with where I wanted this to head. I wanted her in my arms, in my life…and in my bed. Even if that all couldn’t happen in one night, I vowed to make it happen eventually.

  “When your lips touch mine, it’s like a puzzle. I thought I knew where all the pieces fit, but I was wrong. I found the final piece the second you came into my life, Natalie. It may be too soon and too much to tell you that, but it’s the God’s honest truth. I thought I had my life all figured out. The puzzle was only missing one piece. But it isn’t anymore.”

  Chapter Ten

  Natalie

  He had no idea what he did to me when he said stuff like that. I was the missing piece to his puzzle. Me. That wasn’t even possible. I wasn’t the missing piece for anyone. Hell, I was a hundred-piece puzzle missing more than half the pieces. No one could put my picture together.

  I didn’t want them to.

  But…Kai was different.

  He made me feel.

  I didn’t know if I liked it, loved it, or hated it.

  Maybe it was a combination of all three.

  I knew one thing.

  Kai broke through my well-constructed concrete boulders like they were nothing more than pebbles he kicked to the side.

  Being with Kai was beyond my wildest dreams. I could almost imagine it—our life. My life. The life I thought I might never have. Though this was only the second day we’d spent together in person, this had been building for months. Our friendship was more than that, and as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I knew it was way before I came here.

  Until reality crashed back down on me.

  The things he doesn’t know about me are deal breakers. I couldn’t ever tell him, and I couldn’t be serious with anyone.

  “Talk to me, Natalie.” His lips were mere centimeters from mine; his head dipped so we were as close as we could be. The scent of him enveloped me, and I wanted to give in and just go for it, to hell with the consequences.

  Everything in me screamed for it.

  Everything, that was, except my rationale.

  That bitch knew all this was futile.

  “I’m not good enough for you.” The honest words tumbled from my mouth. “I’ll only bring you down.”

  His brows furrowed at my words. I knew he would refute them. That’s who Kai was. He saw the good in everyone and everything. He had the picture-perfect life. Nothing jaded him yet, whereas most of my life had been nothing but a giant clusterfuck.

  “Natalie.” This time, he rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. I watched him breathe in and out a few times before he stepped back. “Come on.”

  He took my hand and pulled me back to the elevator bank. “Where are we going?”

  “To my apartment.”

  I knew he had plans to do other things tonight, so I was confused. This was it. He realized nothing would ever happen, so he was calling it quits now.

  My stomach churned with the thought, even if I knew it would be best.

  “Why?” We stepped into the elevator with many other people. I stood toe to toe with him, looking up into those amazing gold eyes I loved so much.

  “We’re going to talk.”

  A rock catapulted into my stomach at his words. We’re going to talk. My mouth dried out, and I was afraid to ask any more questions. He was going to send me home. It was over before it began. But we hadn’t finished our work here. I never met Fatal Knockout!

  He couldn’t stop representing Jaded Regret. I couldn’t come home and tell the band he’d bailed.

  He hailed a cab the second we stepped up to the curb and one immediately stopped in front of us. He opened the door for me, and I slid in, my palms sweaty with anticipation. He didn’t seem mad, just determined.

  He told the cabbie the address and then settled into the seat. He put his arm around my shoulders, and I almost sighed in relief. As much as I knew this couldn’t possibly be long term, I still wanted it. Wanted him. I didn’t want him to kick me out.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  Kai turned my chin, so our gazes met. “Natalie.” He looked at my lips before shifting his powerful gaze back to my eyes. “You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.”

  I fought against the unwanted emotion that welled up inside me. “B-but you had plans for us tonight.”

  He smirked; it was the look that made too many things inside me accelerate. “I did. But this is more important.”

  “You aren’t upset with me?”

  He looked at me for so long I wondered if he would answer me. The cab bumped, honked, and swerved through the streets of New York, but our gazes stayed locked.

  “Oh, Natalie.” Kai touched my face and pulled me closer with his other arm. “There’s many reasons why we need to talk. This is one of them.” He kissed the top of my head, and I settled into the crook of his neck, my mind reeling but glad he wasn’t angry with me.

  I shoved the takeout Thai around my plate. It was so good, but I knew how many calories it had in it. I had to be careful. That and I couldn’t eat much since my stomach was in knots.

  Kai got a phone call right when dinner arrived, and he paced back and forth in the small space, saying few words. I didn’t know who it was or if something was wrong, but it added to my anxiety.

  As much as I didn’t want to know what he wanted to talk about, I did.

  “Sorry about that.” Kai tossed his phone on the coffee table in front of his couch.

  “Everything okay?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. A small fire I had to put out with one of my smaller bands. All’s good. How’s the food?” He looked pointedly at my plate, and I hoped it looked like I ate a good amount.

  “It’s fabulous.” It was. If I ate more than a few bites of it. I pushed my plate away from me so I wouldn’t be tempted to eat the rest of the delicious food.

  “This is my favorite place.” Kai dumped food from each container on his plate and settled back on the couch next to me. I watched as he shoveled forkful after forkful into his mouth, the food rapidly disappearing.

  “Want a drink?” I figured the least I could do was stop gaping at him and do something to help.

  “Sure, thanks. Just water will be fine.”

  I walked the short distance to the fridge and got us both a drink. When I turned to walk back to the couch, I noticed Kai staring at me.

  “What?” I set the water bottles down on the table but couldn’t discern what he was thinking.

  “Come here.” Kai set his plate on the table and pulled me by the hand until I landed next to him but practically in his lap. My heart skipped a beat, crashing into my ribcage in anticipation of his next words.

  “I’m going to tell you a lot of things, Natalie. Things I want you to really hear. Okay? Then I want you to respond, but I have a challenge for you. I want you to respond the way your heart tells you to respond, not your head. Can you promise that?”

  My heart. It didn’t know how to respond because it had been beaten within an inch of its life a
nd patched long ago, never to heal properly.

  “Natalie? Answer me.”

  “I’ll try, Kai.” It was honest, and I knew I owed him that much. There were some things I couldn’t get into with him. Or anyone.

  He nodded, accepting the answer. “I know I can’t imagine what your life has been like. The parts I do know break my heart. I can’t change that or take it away from you, and that kills me. I’m sure you think there isn’t any way I can relate to you because my life has been ‘perfect.’ How am I doing so far?”

  He hit the nail on the proverbial head. “Pretty good.” I found myself laughing, despite the fact it wasn’t funny.

  “I know you want to keep the past in the past. But I want to know every part of you, not just the good parts or the parts you want to share. Part of genuinely caring about someone is opening up to them.”

  I opened and closed my mouth, but I couldn’t respond. What he didn’t—and wouldn’t—understand was opening up only equated to pain in my mind. Trusting someone enough to give them that part of me was beyond my limits.

  “I hate that you think you’ll only bring me down. You really can’t see the worth you have, or how amazing you are. I know me telling you isn’t going to matter. You’re going to have to learn to believe it yourself. Let me tell you something right now, Natalie Anderson. I’m not giving up. I don’t care if I have to follow you to Florida to make you believe it. I’m in this for you. You. Not the part of you that you want people to see, or the part you pretend is real. All the parts. The good, the bad, the terrible, and the amazing. And I want you to understand I’m not just saying that.”

  I was frozen in place, not able to move or respond to his words. It was everything I always wanted to hear from someone. But he didn’t know. He didn’t know how deep rooted my issues were. He had no idea what he was talking about.

  “Kai.” Saying the one syllable of his name was excruciating.

  “Don’t, Natalie. Don’t push me away. Talk to me.”

  He couldn’t possibly know, just by me saying his name, I was about to refute everything he just said.

  “Let me tell you something else.” Kai twined his fingers with mine and lifted my hand to kiss the top of it. “I don’t care what happened in your past, Natalie. It doesn’t change the woman I see sitting in front of me now. The gorgeous, charismatic, determined woman who’s risen above everything life threw at her and became this amazing, driven person. This is who you are. Can’t you see that?”

  You just don’t know, Kai. I don’t want you to know.

  I looked away and out the window at the lights of the apartment building across from us. Kai waited, the only sound in the room our shallow breaths.

  “I don’t want to push you into something you don’t want,” he whispered. “I feel the struggle within you right now. You want to believe me, but you can’t. It’s been so many years of you knowing the only way to keep yourself—and your brother—safe was to shut people out. I want to be the person who shows you your worth, Natalie. Let me be that person.” Kai sat up and brushed his lips against mine.

  I didn’t think I could do that. I didn’t think I could let him help me.

  “Give me something, Natalie. Please. I know you like me; you admitted that. You like being here with me. Our kisses are beyond this universe. But I don’t want to be the guy who sees something that doesn’t exist. If you don’t want to see where this goes, just tell me now. I’m a big boy. I can take it.”

  I stared at every feature on his face. From the unruly lock of hair that hung on his forehead, his dark eyebrows turned down waiting for my response, his unique eyes that showed so much hope and desire, to the lips I loved to kiss.

  I reached up and smoothed his hair back, loving the feeling of his silky hair in my fingers. I allowed my fingertips to follow the lines of his face until I dropped my hand onto his shoulder. He watched me without saying a word, waiting for my response.

  “There’s so much I can’t say,” I said finally.

  Kai nodded, more than likely expecting this response. “Why can’t you say it, Natalie? Did you do something illegal?”

  I shook my head. It wasn’t illegal…that I knew of.

  “Okay then. Whatever it is can’t change what I think of you.”

  That’s not true. I know it isn’t.

  I shook my head. “I don’t know how.”

  “Answer me one question. Do you want to try this? Do you want to give this one hundred percent of our effort and see where it goes?”

  The million-dollar question. More than anything I ever wanted in my entire life. More than I wanted parents who loved me or for my brother to be better or for the band to do well.

  For once in my life, I wanted something just for me.

  “What are you thinking?” His thumb caressed the top of my hand. “I know you’re trying to rationalize why you can’t do this. I see it, Natalie. I don’t understand it, but I see the struggle in your eyes.”

  “I want this,” I said. “I want you. But it scares the shit out of me.”

  Kai smiled, and his lips stretched so wide over his teeth I thought his face might split. It was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen. “Come here.”

  I shifted until I straddled his thighs. He pulled me so close I could feel every ridge and muscle of his body. I hoped he didn’t feel my fat through my clothes, and I had to force myself to stop the thought before I made myself get up.

  “That’s all I needed to know. The rest we can work through. We go as slow as you need to, but I want you to confide in me, Natalie. I would never hurt you. Ever. I’m not leaving you unless you tell me you don’t want anything to do with me.”

  He would never leave me. He would never hurt me. The words echoed through my head, trying to find a place to absorb.

  The vision of my father in the casket, all those years ago, flooded my memory, and I closed my eyes.

  “Tell me,” Kai whispered. “What is it?”

  I could do this. This part I could share. My eyes still shut, I began talking. “My dad left me. He killed himself and left me to be the one who kept everything together. Except I couldn’t. Everything went to hell, Kai. My mom turned into someone I didn’t know, and then she left us, too. Abandoned us. For so many years, I lived hell on Earth. It wasn’t until just a few years ago that my brother found happiness and I finally felt like maybe—just maybe—the hell was over.”

  Until she contacted me again, of course. I couldn’t get into that with him.

  “Natalie. Open your eyes.” It took me a moment, but I did it. “You were a child. You should’ve never felt that kind of pressure to keep things together. You didn’t deserve the shit you went through. I wish I could take it all away from you. But you’re here now. You’re a survivor. It’s all over.”

  It’ll never be over.

  Not really.

  Not while she still walks the earth, waiting and ready to bring all the pain back to me.

  Not while I hold the secret that could ruin my brother for good.

  “I know,” I responded, even though I didn’t.

  “Do you?”

  I nodded. “I do. But…that’s easier said than done. Do you understand that?”

  “Yes, I can understand hiding your feelings your entire life would make it almost impossible to start showing them now. You think it makes you look weak, and it makes you vulnerable to someone, and that has been a huge no-no your entire life.”

  “Yes.”

  A sad smile stretched across his face. “But, Natalie, you have to start to heal. Your brother’s happy. He has a family and has moved on. Don’t you want that, too?”

  “I’ve lived my whole life for him. For over twenty years, my life has only been defined by what he needed.”

  Kai shook his head. “It’s time. It’s beyond time. Don’t you think Beau would want you to move on, too? Don’t you think it upsets him to think of you holding yourself back from life because of him?”

  I knew it di
d. Beau wanted nothing more than for me to find happiness in life. The problem was, I didn’t know how to let it all go. To trust again. To let someone love me.

  “Yes. He does.”

  “I knew I liked him.” Kai smiled, and I felt my lips following suit. “Would he be upset if we started dating?”

  I thought of the conversation I had with Beau before I left, plus the encouragement from the girls to date someone. “No, I don’t think so.”

  “Good. I’d hate for him to deck me when I see him. Dude seems pretty strong.”

  I laughed. “I think you’re just as strong. Plus, as long as you don’t hurt me, I don’t think he’d have any reason to deck you. He’s a pretty calm guy.”

  Kai got serious again. “I won’t ever intentionally hurt you, Natalie. That’s a promise. And if I do, I want you to tell me. Please don’t shut down.”

  “I’ll try.”

  “One more thing and then our serious conversation can be over for the night, okay?”

  That was good because I was rather sure I was almost at emotional overload. I agreed to date Kai Pierson two days after meeting him in person for the first time—and let’s not forget thinking he was gay. I had no clue what I was doing and knew even less about dating. Nothing at all. Especially dating a man who lived in New York while I lived in Florida.

  Kai looked over at my plate, sitting next to his on the coffee table. “Why don’t you ever eat a full meal, Natalie?”

  I felt like he sucker-punched me in the gut. I should’ve known he’d notice. Kai was very observant. I felt tightness beginning in my chest and traveling up my body. I couldn’t breathe.

  I scrambled off his lap and stood, clutching my chest as I fought to keep oxygen moving into my body.

  “Natalie.” I felt Kai stand next to me. “Look at me. You’re fine. Take a deep breath.” He reached his arms out and wrapped them around me, and I buried my head in his strong chest. My breathing began evening out, though the panic was still there hovering just below the surface.

  “I know you don’t think anyone should notice, but I notice everything about you. You’re the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of being around, but I know something’s going on. I have two sisters and a mother, though that sure as hell doesn’t make me an expert on women. Since you’ve been here, I’ve seen you eat less than one total meal. You push your food around and make it look like you’re eating. I saw you throw away over half of that hot dog when we were walking around the city.”