Exposed: A Jaded Regret Novel

by L. L. Collins

  I lifted my head as weariness seeped into every bone of my body. I just wanted to go back to his room and crawl under the covers and pretend none of this happened.

  I was kidding myself to think I could do this. I couldn’t let him into this part of me. The walls I let down earlier reconstructed themselves in record speed. I had to deflect, to get him away from what he thought he knew about me, and then keep myself locked away. It had to be that way.

  “I’m fine, Kai. Really. I’ve just never been much of an eater.”

  He lifted his eyebrow, and I knew he didn’t believe me. I just hoped he’d let it go because I wasn’t sure how much more pressure I could take tonight before I cracked.

  “Natalie.” His tone told me what I knew already. He’d call me on my bullshit, too; I knew enough to know that.

  “I promise, Kai,” I lied. “When I travel, it’s hard for me to eat a lot. It messes my stomach up. Not to get into too many details, but I have reasons for not eating too much.”

  Kai sat, watching me intently. He had to buy my lie. If he continued this line of questioning, I knew what would happen. I would shut down completely and find a reason to leave. Friend or not, interested in being more with him or not, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

  Finally, he nodded. “Okay. I just worry about you.”

  I forced a smile on my lips. “I appreciate you worrying about me, but I promise I’m fine.” I grabbed my plate and forced a few bites down my throat, almost gagging as my brain screamed in revolt. “See? I can eat this yummy food.”

  Kai smiled and grabbed his own plate, filling his mouth with more food.

  After we had finished our food, we walked to the kitchen. I rinsed both plates and put them in the small dishwasher next to the sink.

  “You don’t have to do that.” Kai stood so close behind me I could feel his breath on my neck. I shivered, goose bumps immediately appearing on my flesh. Don’t forget the walls, Natalie. You can’t do this. He sees too much. He knows too much.

  “I don’t mind helping. It’s the least I can do since you’re letting me stay here.” I gripped the counter, willing my heart to stop racing and my knees to stop shaking every time he was close to me.

  “Kiss me, Natalie.”

  I turned slowly and my eyes zeroed in on that beautiful mouth.

  I stood on my tiptoes and grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him to me. He gripped my hips as I pressed my lips into his. Our kiss quickly turned more passionate than ever before. Kai moved his hands to my backside and pulled me up until I had no choice but to wrap my legs around his waist as our tongues dueled. He set me on the edge of the counter and continued his perusal of my mouth.

  He groaned when I bit gently and then sucked his tongue before I turned my head to deepen our kiss. Rocking against me gently, he set every nerve ending in my body on fire. We took turns biting gently and sucking before he kissed me like I’d never been kissed in my life.

  Kai walked while holding me, and it only took me a second to realize we were headed to his room. His fingertips slid under my top and caressed my back, just above the waistband of my pants. I wanted to touch him in every single place, but I was afraid to be the aggressor.

  He laid me on the bed I tossed and turned on all last night, thinking of him. His lips left mine, and before I could whimper my discontent, Kai kissed and sucked down my neck. My eyes rolled back in my head as I writhed under him.

  Before I could stop myself, I slid my hands under his shirt until it was bunched up around his arms. His skin was hot to the touch and rigid, the muscles taut and contracted as he hovered over me.

  Kai moved to the other side of my neck, but not before he grabbed the offending shirt and tossed it behind us.

  “Kai…” I closed my eyes against the onslaught of sensations he sent throughout my body.

  Way too soon, Kai pulled back and I found myself looking directly into his golden pools of desire. His chest heaved under my hands, and I knew mine matched his.

  “Natalie.” I furrowed my brow at the way he said my name. It was almost…tortured…or sad.

  Oh God. I should’ve known. He didn’t want to go any further with me because of what he was afraid was under my clothes.

  You’re such a moron. I couldn’t expose myself to him—it was too intimate.

  There was a reason why I hadn’t been with too many men in my life. Multiple reasons.

  I suddenly wished for my home, where I could die of embarrassment by myself.

  “What’s going on inside your head right now, because I swear I just saw you shut down.” Kai shifted, so he lay next to me on the bed. He traced my lips with his finger. “Talk to me, Natalie.”

  “You stopped.”

  There was that damn smirk again. “I did. Is that what upset you?” When I didn’t answer and instead looked away from him, he turned my face back to him gently. “Hey. Let me explain something to you, okay?”

  I nodded, not trusting my voice. I knew if I said anything, I would sound like I was about to cry. Because I was. And I hated myself for it.

  “I stopped, not because I wanted to, but because I knew I had to.”

  Now I was confused, and I knew my face showed it.

  “I know, that doesn’t make sense. But I made you a promise, Natalie, and I’m not going to go back on it on night two. There’s nothing, nothing I want more than to strip every bit of your clothes off and make love to you. But I can’t do that right now because you mean more to me than just that, and I know you don’t believe me yet. So until we’re in that place, I’m going to stop us. As much as it kills me, respecting you and allowing us to go through this the right way means more to me than a few minutes of physical pleasure. As amazing as I know it’ll be.” He winked, and I swore I felt my heart physically flip in my chest. He couldn’t be real.

  I blinked my eyes, allowing his words to seep through my pores. Kai wanted to sleep with me, but wouldn’t let it happen yet. I never knew anyone like him.

  “Stay with me,” I said. Kai watched me for a few moments, and I wondered if he’d deny me again and go out to the couch. If he did, I knew I wouldn’t sleep for sure tonight. Not after everything we went through today. “Please.”

  He finally nodded. “I can’t go back, Natalie.”

  “Go back?” I was afraid to know what he meant by that, but I had to ask. Kai wanted to push all my boundaries, yet I found myself looking forward to the walls crumbling.

  “Yeah. Once I have you in my arms and wake up next to you, I won’t be able to give you up. Don’t ask me to. Please.”

  He settled behind me and wrapped his strong arm around my midsection. He pulled me closer, so there was no space between us and rested his large hand on my stomach. I hoped he didn’t feel too much pudge there and was glad my clothes were still on. His shirt was still off, so I could feel his hot skin against me, and I wouldn’t mind him taking off the pants as well. Kai pressed kisses against the back of my head as we both lay in silence.

  “Perfect,” he murmured.

  I closed my eyes and bit my lip, willing myself not to cry. Here I was, lying in bed with the hottest, most genuine, kindest man I ever met, and all I could think about was how much it was going to hurt when I ruined it. Because it was only a matter of time before I let him down. I thought back to earlier when he called me out on my eating. I already decided then I would shut him out, yet here I was, lying in a bed next to him. My head swam with conflicting emotions, yet I couldn’t make myself tell him not to lay here with me.

  “Stay longer.” Kai stood at the counter in his small kitchen, his chest still bare. I had a hard time not staring at the cuts of muscle on display in front of me, but I gave it a good try. “We’re meeting Fatal Knockout later this afternoon at their studio, and before that, we have some office stuff to get squared away, so that means we don’t have time to do anything together until tonight. Please, Natalie. Stay until tomorrow night. Or the next day. Or…” Kai broke off and lifted his coffee c
up to his lips, leaving me wondering.

  It sounded like he was asking for more than I thought possible for me to give. Stay. I couldn’t stay. Part of me wondered if I wanted to. I thought about the band and wondered what they would think of me staying. I’d talked to Beau once since arriving and texted with Mac and April a few times, but otherwise, I was completely wrapped up in what was going on with Kai.

  I slept enfolded in Kai’s arms all night, not moving until we both woke up just a few minutes ago. Waking up next to him was just as amazing as I knew it would be, but I was terrified.

  “Did you like waking up next to me this morning?” Kai appeared next to me, shaking me from the detrimental thoughts starting in my head. I swore he read my mind, and that was a scary place to be.

  “Yes.” I blushed. I acted like a damn school girl around him.

  He took my hand and pulled me to stand. Thankfully, I’d brushed my hair and teeth after we woke up.

  “Waking up next to you was even better than I dreamed. All these months I wondered if I would ever get to this part with you. I wished and hoped, but…” Kai trailed off as he ran his hands up and down my bare arms. His touch simultaneously gave me chills and spread fire through my veins.

  “You were rather sure of yourself,” I teased.

  He shook his head. “No. I wasn’t. I was sure about something, though.” Kai kissed me, smoothing my hair behind my shoulders. Much to my disappointment, he didn’t deepen the kiss and instead pulled back. “I was sure about you.”

  His confidence baffled me. It wasn’t possible. He couldn’t know he wanted this—wanted me.

  “It’s my mission in life to have you see yourself the way I see you.” Kai leaned over and hugged me, his head buried in my neck. “I don’t want you to leave, Natalie. Having you here—it makes me feel. I didn’t realize I haven’t been truly alive in a long time, if ever.”

  When he lifted his head, I put my hands on either side of his face. We looked at each other for a few silent beats. I tried to process the words he said and the things he meant by them, but I truly didn’t understand why he felt that way. I couldn’t make anyone feel alive when I was barely alive myself.

  “Stay,” Kai said again. This time, he picked up his phone and hit some buttons. “Stay” by Rhianna began playing through the speaker. We listened to the lyrics, Kai swaying me back and forth to the music. When the song finished, he stepped back. “One more day at least. A week. Anything. Please. The band will understand. I’ll talk to Beau myself if you want me to, so he knows my intentions with you are honorable.”

  I laughed. “Beau’s not my dad, Kai. But thank you for offering.”

  “I’ll do whatever you need to make you comfortable. I just—I’m so happy with the way things are going with us, and I can’t imagine it being months until I see you again.”

  He was right. I couldn’t I walk away now without knowing when we could see each other again. I wasn’t sure how flexible his schedule was, whether he’d be able to come to visit me or not, but if we were going to try to make this work, then we both had to make some decisions.

  There wasn’t anything going on I couldn’t do from here. So it really was a matter of whether I wanted to put myself out there and stay here with him longer.

  “Yes.” I forced the word out before I could second guess myself. “I’ll stay.”

  Kai lifted me, and I squealed. “You will? Until tomorrow? Or longer?”

  “Let’s play that by ear, okay?” I lifted my phone and hit Beau’s name. Typing out a quick text, I turned and showed it to Kai.

  Staying in New York a little longer. I’ll keep you updated on my plans. Love you. -Nat

  He grinned, his golden eyes shining. I did that. I made him happy.

  That was crazy.

  Chapter Eleven

  Kai

  I watched Natalie as we sped through New York City in a cab headed for the studio where Fatal Knockout practiced. She had her blond hair in a low ponytail today, with a few strands framing her face. She wore a pair of form-fitting jeans and feminine blouse, and looked every bit the bombshell she was. Our few hours working in the office this morning had almost been a waste because I was incredibly distracted by everything her. When Natalie finally laughed at me and asked me what was going on, instead of answering, I shut my office door and kissed the hell out of her. It was only after that we were able to accomplish anything.

  My heart swelled and pounded just looking at her and thinking about where we were right now with each other. Today, we were a couple. Well…kind of. We said we wanted to “date” and see where it went. But as much hard work as I knew it would be to crack her exterior, it was slowly working.

  I woke up with Natalie Anderson in my arms, in my bed, for the second day in a row, and it was heaven on Earth. Her face pressed against my bare chest, her eyes closed in sleep, her hair spread out behind her, and my hands wrapped around her slight body made me want things to move way faster than I knew they could. I also recognized I needed to slow the hell down and stop telling her everything that came to mind, but I couldn’t seem to stop. She hadn’t run for the hills yet and I convinced her to stay, so I guessed it wasn’t too over the top.

  I wasn’t wrong when I told her I couldn’t give her up now. Whatever I had to do to make her see exactly what I thought of her and us, I would do it.

  Natalie Anderson was mine.

  I couldn’t wait until I could have her in all ways and for good.

  I was that sure.

  I just had to get her on the same page, and as quickly as possible.

  “Penny for your thoughts,” Natalie said. She reached her hand over and twined her fingers with mine.

  I smiled at this amazing woman. “Thinking about you.”

  She smiled back, that adorable little dimple exposing itself. This time, I didn’t stop myself. I leaned over and kissed it before moving to her lips.

  “‘Already Ready,’” I whispered. She tilted her head in question. “Dan+Shay. Do you know the song?” I still whispered, not wanting the cabbie to hear.

  She shook her head. “Country? I don’t know too many of those. Country surprises me from you, Kai.”

  I shrugged. “Hey, I was born in Oklahoma. And you should know by now I’m an equal opportunity music enthusiast. I like it all.” I took my phone out of my pocket and found my Spotify app. I had an entire playlist just for her, but some of the songs I knew she wasn’t ready for. Once Natalie saw what I was doing, she got earbuds out of her purse.

  She stuck one bud in her ear and then offered me the other. She leaned into me as I hit play. I put my arm around her and kissed the top of her head. God, this woman.

  Natalie rested her hand on my thigh, and I almost groaned. She needed to know just how hard this was for me to behave.

  As the lyrics pumped through the earbud, I tightened my hold on her. I was already ready to do this with her, and it wasn’t just about the way she looked or what I wanted from her. It was about it all.

  When the last chords of the song faded, Natalie tipped her head back so she could look at me. Her cheeks were tinged pink, and it wasn’t from her makeup.

  I liked that I pushed her just a little bit out of her comfort zone.

  I nodded at her. “Yes. I wish we could go back to my apartment.” My voice was quiet, and my head dipped, so my lips were almost at her ear. “I need you, Natalie. And not just in the way you think.”

  She bit her lip, and her gaze zeroed in on my mouth. “‘Learning to Breathe,’” Natalie whispered.

  Switchfoot. She didn’t have to tell me the song. I knew it.

  “I know you are. And I’m right here the entire time. And I’ll break your fall. Every single time.”

  Natalie surprised the hell out of me when she kissed my neck and then followed a path up to my ear. “I don’t know what you’re doing to me, Kai.” Her hot breath against my ear and her breast pressed against my chest made me dizzy with need. I couldn’t remember a time when a wom
an affected me the way she did, just with something simple like her breath against my ear.

  I held her tightly against me. “Ditto, Natalie. We’re going to ride this roller coaster together. I’ll hold your hand the whole time as long as you stay the course with me.”

  “Natalie, this is Ginger. She’s the lead singer.” I couldn’t help but notice that as attractive as Ginger was, she didn’t hold a candle to Natalie. Natalie took Ginger’s hand in hers, and the two women smiled at each other.

  “I can’t believe I’m meeting you!” Ginger said. “It’s an honor. Truly.”

  Natalie smiled, her manager persona in full effect. I loved how professional she was, but I yearned for my Natalie. The one who wasn’t as poised and manager-like.

  “It’s great to meet you too, Ginger. The band and I are impressed with what we’ve seen of you guys so far. I can’t wait to hear you play.”

  “Come on in,” Ginger said. “The rest of the girls are warming up. They’re so nervous. It’s a good thing you didn’t bring the whole band. They may not have survived it.”

  We all laughed at her honesty. She led us into a large practice space, where the girls were all sitting around their instruments. The second the door opened, everything stilled and they stood up.

  “Girls, this is Natalie, the manager from Jaded Regret. And of course, you know Kai.” Ginger turned back to us. “The one by the drums is Tyra, Alleigh has the guitar, and Harlie is by the keyboard.”

  The girls all took turns walking up and shaking Natalie’s hand, each of them in some stage of awe. They said hi to me but then turned right back to Natalie. I didn’t blame them. Natalie was an enigma, and she was one of the main reasons Jaded Regret was who they were today. Natalie walked with them to their instruments, engaging them in small talk. I watched as all four girls listened to every word like it was gold, which in a sense, it was. They asked her questions, and she answered with no hesitation.