The Dotard

by Greg Curtis

  He noticed one other thing, though it took a little while before he realised the importance. He could hear the soldiers cheering. He had heard the soldier call out. And he hadn't been able to hear a person’s voice for ages. Now he could. The chanting had stopped. The Priests had finished and the battle was over. He didn't know how it had happened but they seemed to have won through. And as the smoke kept lifting and he could see further and further, he saw that the third army had also been defeated. In the distance he could see the half-melted iron statues that had once been golems.

  It really was over!

  Edrick wanted to start cheering with the others. He wanted to shout and scream for joy. Instead he collapsed to the ground and simply let the wonder flow over him. The Priests had done it! They'd vanquished the demon, and his armies had fallen. It was the only explanation there was. Even if the Faeries would argue and call him simple.

  But when he thought of them and looked around, he couldn't see them either. They'd gone too. Maybe it had been their victory too – he didn't know. Maybe they hadn't been needed after all and had left in a sour mood. But since they weren't there he couldn't ask them. All he could do was sit there and let the remains of his fear be swept away by relief.

  “Are you alright?”

  Edrick didn't know how long he'd been sitting there when he heard Master Thatchwell's voice come from just behind him. Minutes? Hours? He simply had no idea. But it was good to hear a familiar voice.

  “It's really over?” He didn't turn around, but continued staring at the town of Coldwater.

  “Seems that way. The Priests banished the lich and the battle ended.” Master Thatchwell abruptly sat down beside him. “But it was strange.”

  “Strange?”

  “Wilberton appearing and all that.”

  “You saw him too? Oh, praise the Lady of Light! You saw him too!” Edrick was happy about that. Happier than he could have said.

  “Everyone saw him! He was everywhere, all at once. Across the entire battlefield. It was his ghost we think.”

  “Ghost?!” That finally made Edrick turn to face his old teacher. “No! He was real! Solid! I tried to kill him! To stab him through the heart – before he vanished!”

  “You –?” Suddenly the wizard's face found an unexpected expression. One it had never worn before. Amusement. Amusement that quickly became laughter. Lots of laughter.

  “Oh, Bless the Lady! You tried to kill him!” It was lucky that the wizard was sitting down, because otherwise he would have fallen over as the laughter ripped through him. Soon he was holding his stomach and tears were streaming down his cheeks as he lost control.

  “Alright then.” Edrick had to wait for his old tutor to calm down a little before he could ask. “What's so funny?”

  “That you've spent what? – a whole week now, talking to ghosts and invisible phantoms of your mind and yet you think an actual spirit we can all see is a delusion! And you tried to stab a ghost to death! And why would you try to stab him at all? You're a wizard!”

  “Boy, you need to spend some serious time with the healers!” He returned to his laughter.

  Edrick didn't answer him. He suspected there wasn't much he could say anyway. He let Master Thatchwell enjoy his moment while he stared at the ruined town and thought about what he should do next. He knew he should go help with the wounded. Already he could see some of the soldiers starting to carry the injured away. But a part of him wondered if he should first go back to his home and tell Carrie what had happened. He knew though that it would break her heart. Because for her this was a tragedy.

  In the end he decided his first duty had to be to help with the wounded. And so he pulled himself to his feet, and after asking Master Thatchwell to send someone to visit Carrie, wandered off on surprisingly weak legs to the part of the field where the battle had been most intense.

  It was time to pick up the pieces and move on. Maybe even they would start rebuilding Coldwater in time? Right now it was time to heal.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  It was three days after she had received the news of her grandfather’s death before Carrie heard the sound of the steam wagon chugging its way through the gate, signalling Edrick’s return home. Three long, hard days as she had slowly come to terms with the news. Even though she had known it was coming, it had still not been an easy thing to accept. After the young wizard had brought her the news and left, she had broken down and cried. She still wept every so often.

  At least now, she thought as she looked out the window and saw Edrick on his machine, she had someone to talk to. Even if she didn't know what she should say. Or do.

  Carrie put the kettle back on the hot plate over the fire to boil and went outside to greet him. It seemed the right thing to do.

  “Hi.” Edrick waved to her as he brought the wagon to a stop in front of the house. Then he started pushing levers and turning wheels as he shut it down. One day she thought, she might have to learn how to operate the machine. There were a lot of them around after all, and it was a useful thing to know.

  Once he’d shut off the wagon’s engine, Edrick jumped down and came over to her. Then he surprised her by gathering her up in his arms and whispering words of sorrow in her ear. And she knew he truly was sorry for her loss. He was a man who had a face that revealed everything he was feeling, and for the last little while it had been a face full of sorrows. She also realised he had strong arms. They were good arms for holding her.

  “I know. But it had to be.” She tried to be philosophical about it. But though she squeezed the words out, she didn't really mean them. She had wanted a miracle. Anyone would have. It was why the tears had once again begun streaming down her cheeks despite her words.

  For the longest time neither of them said anything. They just stood there, Edrick holding her to his heart. And even through the pain it was good Carrie thought. She had needed someone to hold her. Even if there was nothing he could say to bring her cheer, just that simple act made her feel better.

  “But there's something you should know,” Edrick eventually told her, his voice a little tentative. “Something strange.”

  “Alright?” Carrie wondered why he suddenly looked so uncomfortable. She already knew her grandfather was dead. It couldn't be any worse than that, could it?

  “At the end, just before the battle finished, Wilberton – your grandfather – appeared. To me. To everyone. And he was shouting something – though none of us could hear what he said over the din of the battle. But what happened next, we all saw. The undead soldiers vanished. All of them.”

  “They what?” She'd heard about the undead enemy, but little more than that they'd been huge and deadly.

  “I think your grandfather destroyed them.”

  “What?” What was he saying? Carrie couldn't make sense of it.

  “The Priests say it was his spirit, released from the demon's hold and being welcomed by their God. And that when he was released the demon was forced to return to its realm, and its army died. Others are saying it was his ghost. They're saying other things too. About the battlefield being haunted.”

  “I don't know which – if either of them – is right. But I think they're both wrong about one thing. I think that when your grandfather was released, he had a brief moment to act and took it. One shining second of free will. And he used that moment to destroy the demon's armies. I think in that moment he finally knew what he had to do. He saved us.”

  “He saved you?” Carrie was shocked by that. But more than that, hopeful. She desperately wanted to believe he was right and that at the end her grandfather had died a hero and not a monster. That he had finally become the grandfather she had known and loved.

  “I think so. But I don't know, and a lot of people will disagree with me. They already think I'm touched. But I had to tell you that.”

  “Well, I don't think you're touched.” She managed a small smile – the first that had found her face in ages. “Or no more than before. So, you talk to inv
isible people? You also talk to unicorns. Let's face it husband – you weren't that sane to begin with!”

  Husband! Suddenly she liked that word. It rolled off her tongue easily. Almost naturally. And she didn't understand why. But it made her happy.

  “Let’s get you inside for some food and something to drink. And then you can get out of those clothes –.” She wrinkled up her nose a little. “They aren't the freshest. After that you can tell me the rest of what happened.”

  With that she took his arm and started leading him into the house. Their house she realised, as she had been thinking of it these past weeks. When had she decided that? She didn't remember consciously making a decision. And yet it seemed she had. It felt like their house – her home.

  Obviously the shocks of the past few months had been too much for her. And now she'd slipped from a world of nightmares into the childish fantasies she'd lived with as a little girl. Dreams of marriage and family and living happily ever after. It was madness. But who knew, she thought? Maybe it was real. Maybe in time they would finally become husband and wife in truth.

  After all, someone had to save him from the six-hundred-pound woman!

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Someone was calling his name. Edrick didn't want to answer him though. He wanted to sleep. He was warm and comfortable. Happy too. Carrie lay beside him, snoring softly. She needed her sleep too. Now that they were sure she was with child, she had to rest. So he shooed whoever it was that was bothering him away, and tried to return to the land of dreams.

  “Don't you dare shoo me away, you insolent whelp!”

  “Ow!” Edrick yelped as something tore into the tip of his nose. Something sharp. And when he opened his eyes it was to see a furry black face with green eyes inches away from him.

  “Spottie! What the hell?!” Edrick yelled at the newest member of their family, knowing even as he did so that there was no point. But that had hurt! Kitten teeth like kitten claws were sharp! And he still didn't know where the kitten had come from. Blackie had given birth to it three months before, but he found that hard to explain when as far as he knew his mouser had been the only cat in the entire realm. Where had she found a tom?

  “That's Master Wilberton to you, you knave! Or have you forgotten your manners too?!”

  “Huh?!” Edrick was caught by surprise by the charge. By the fact that the kitten could speak. And by the fact that it actually sounded like Wilberton. That didn't make any sense to him. The old wizard had been dead six months past. Surely this was evidence he was going crazy after all? Edrick rubbed at his eyes as well as his bleeding nose.

  “Oh, by the gods! You're as great a dullard as I feared!” The kitten shook its head sadly as if mourning his discovery. “How in all the hells am I going to be able to force anything into that head of yours?!”

  “Wilberton?” Edrick couldn't believe he actually said the name. And yet the voice, the complaints, even the way the damned kitten was feeling sorry for himself, mirrored the characteristics of the old wizard exactly. Or maybe he really was going mad!

  “Finally!” The kitten stared at him, then raised a paw to lick it. “Maybe there's some hope. But then there had to be some. My granddaughter wouldn't have married you if there was nothing there.”

  “Ah, actually we're not married.” Edrick corrected him. It was a mistake.

  “Dung!” He yelped again as the kitten dug its claws into his nose and started scratching, and then shook it off hurriedly.

  “You're living in shame with my granddaughter?!” The kitten stared at him as if horrified. Then it leapt for Edrick again and he barely got out of the way. “You scoundrel! Cad! Putrid little worm!”

  “Um?” Edrick wasn't quite sure what to say. But he was quick to get out of the way as the kitten leapt for him again, still cursing him.

  “Honey?” Carrie murmured from her side of the bed. She'd half woken up.

  “It's alright love. Just the kitten. Go back to sleep.” But he made sure that he had a firm hold of the kitten before he told her that.

  “Put him outside,” she mumbled sleepily at him. “He probably needs to go.”

  “Oh, he definitely needs to go!” Edrick agreed, even as he pulled the sheets off him and crawled out of bed, kitten in hand. Then he yelped again as Wilberton bit his finger. It was then that he remembered to grab the little beast by the scruff of the neck and finally watched it go limp as he picked it up.

  “You will pay for this!” Wilberton yelled at Edrick as he was carried out of the bedchamber. But at least he couldn't do any more than yell while he was being carried like that.

  “Oh, I don't think so! Not after I've buried you in the yard!” Edrick hissed, not wanting to wake Carrie.

  “Murder? Is that the sort of scoundrel you are?!”

  “It's not murder if it's an annoying little kitten!” he informed him as he carefully shut the door behind him and then carried the spotted kitten down the stairs. “It's a mercy killing!” Mercy for his poor bleeding nose!

  “And what do you think the Faerie would say to that?”

  “They would congratulate me on a job well done!” he informed the kitten. Then he thought for a moment. “What do they have to do with anything?”

  He hadn't seen the Faeries at all since the battle. Not in six long months. Except of course as unicorns when they continued to try to rob his vegetable garden. But they hadn't appeared to him in their human form again. They also hadn't asked him to leave. They hadn't said a single word to him. And despite the fact that he was sure they were angry with him, there hadn't been hide nor hair of the promised punishment. He had been beginning to hope they'd forgotten about it.

  “Who do you think put me in this damned body?!”

  “Oh crap!” Edrick reached the kitchen and put the annoying kitten in a box that was too big for him to climb out of. Then he sat down and buried his face in his hands. It was too early to be up. He was sure of it. From what he could see through the window the sun was barely creeping up over the distant hills.

  “Those bastards!” Edrick cursed the faerie and his own his misfortune. But of course he knew the wizard was right. Who else could have done this? “I was hoping they'd forgotten! That they'd leave me alone. I mean, I've been growing plenty of beans for them. I've been good. They don't need to punish me.”

  “Punish you? Are you mad as well as stupid? They're not punishing you. They like you! You're their favourite gardener!” Wilberton tried to jump out of the box but failed, falling back to the base. “This is my punishment!”

  “Your punishment? How are you being punished? You should be dead! And where have you been all this time?”

  “Growing up you blithering dimwit!” The wizard yelled at him. “First I was in the belly of that black monster you call a cat. Then I was being constantly molested by her! She licks non-stop! Do you have any idea what it's like to be licked day and night?! And as if that's not enough I've been ordered to teach you your spells. I'd have better luck trying to teach a hippopotamus to fly! Of course I'm being punished!”

  “You … teach me?” Edrick stared at the spotty ball of fluff wondering if he'd heard right. “What exactly would you teach me? The art of miscasting? Making deals with demons? Or just being an all-round arse?!”

  “How about respect for your betters! And respect for my granddaughter you cad!” Wilberton took a deep breath. Obviously kitten lungs didn't hold as much air as human ones. “I should turn you into a toad!”

  “I should stand on you!” Edrick responded. And then a thought occurred to him. “Actually, that's a point. Why haven't you?”

  “Why haven't I what?”

  “Turned me … used your magic against me?” After all he hadn't spared him before – even when he'd done nothing.

  “Because unlike you whelp, I am a wizard of self-control and propriety!

  “No.” Edrick considered it. “That's not it. You have never known anything of either of those things!” And that fairly much told him wha
t the answer was. And it brought a smile to his face.

  “You don't have any magic left, do you?!” He started laughing. Here before him was the most powerful and certainly the most annoying wizard ever to draw breath, and not only was he now stuck in the body of a kitten – or was that reborn? – he also didn't have any magic left. Not a single spell. Sometimes life was good!

  “Of course I do! I just don't want to do anything that would upset Carrie,” the kitten blustered as best he could.

  “Liar!” Edrick laughed louder. And while he was laughing another thought occurred to him. She couldn't hear him! He could hear Wilberton as clear as day, but she'd just heard – he assumed – mewling. And then the rest of it clicked.

  “Oh, praise Sirtis!” He suddenly felt weak at the knees as he needed to laugh so hard. “An animal with knowledge of magic! Who can only speak to his master! And who wants to help me with my spells!”