The Dotard

by Greg Curtis

  “They brought you back as a familiar!” Edrick gave up then and fell to his knees, hanging on to the kitchen bench to keep from falling the rest of the way to the floor, and let the laughter flow. And all the while the kitten stared back at him, looking quite offended.

  “You know, there is such a thing as dignity. And laughing at the misfortune of others is not it!” He tried to sound serious and superior. But coming from the mouth of a black and white spotted kitten it just didn't work.

  Edrick just kept laughing. In fact, tears had started flowing. And when he finally thought of a question to ask, it took him everything he had to get it out. “What … did … you … do?” Because he knew the wizard had to have done something to have earned this fate.

  “Nothing! You shaved ape!” The wizard tried to look innocent, but it just didn't work. Not even from a kitten. “It was a complete misunderstanding!”

  “Yes?”

  “They said I borrowed some of their magic.”

  “Borrowed?” That didn't sound right. “You stole their magic?!” Edrick's eyes widened. But even as he knelt there, half bent over in pain from laughing so hard, the truth hit him. This was the crime Fae had mentioned so long ago. It wasn’t his crime as Edrick had imagined. It had been Wilberton's. He hadn't been given the new understandings of magic as he'd written in his journals. He'd stolen it! Of course they were upset.

  “It was an accident!” The wizard protested unconvincingly. “A simple spell with surprising consequences. And I only borrowed their magic!”

  “Another miscast spell?! There's a pattern here! But perhaps if you explained that to them! That you can't cast a spell without mistakes for love nor money!” Edrick laughed harder, despite the ache in his sides. “I'd be only too happy to tell them what a fine upstanding wizard you are!”

  “Bastard!”

  Edrick gave up on kneeling then and collapsed the rest of the way to the ground. No doubt he looked a fool but right at that moment he didn’t particularly care. Especially not as Wilberton kept cursing him. That just made him laugh harder. But he did manage to ask a few questions in between bellows of laughter.

  “Why did they save you? It would have been easier to just let you die.”

  “Why?” The kitten stared at him wide eyed in what had to be outrage. “Because they're evil! Vicious and cruel! Spiteful too! Out and out evil!”

  “I wanted to die! I said to them to let me die. And they refused. They said I had to do my penance! As if I was some sort of errant child!”

  Edrick wondered if he should point out that compared to the Faerie, the aged wizard probably was some sort of child. And that he had annoyed them. However he'd managed to steal their spells from them, they weren’t pleased. But he knew Wilberton wouldn't take that well.

  “And the actual reason?”

  “They said it was easier. More fitting somehow. And they didn't want anyone to die,” he grumbled. “Especially not their precious gardener! Apparently they're worried that you keep getting yourself in life threatening situations. They keep having to save you.”

  “So they let you appear as a ghost and destroy the undead creatures?” Finally, that mystery was starting to unravel.

  “They said that since I'd already stolen so much from them I should have one more spell.” He didn't seem happy at the memory. “Actually a few more than that. They also gave me a spell to send the Argani home.”

  “Well it saved a lot of lives.” Edrick for his part, was very happy about it. For a while there he'd been terrified that they were all going to die. “And the Argani are no doubt pleased to be back.”

  He'd wondered where they'd gone. Everyone had. Though nobody had even realised they were gone until nearly a week after the battle. There had been too much else to do. But when they had realised, no one had ever had an answer as to what had happened to them. Only that they'd disappeared after the battle. He'd assumed that the Faeries had done it.

  “So, what now?” One mystery solved, he decided to turn to practical matters. “I mean I don't need lessons anymore.”

  “Arrogant and stupid! The two most terrible failings in a wizard.”

  “I'm not a wizard! I'm a silver miner.” And that had been his life more or less since the war. He'd had enough of magic. He didn't want to be a lord either. But thus far his father hadn't seen fit to disown him. Edrick wasn't sure why. He just wanted to go back to his simple life. He also didn't care what everyone else thought. Yolande had called him a dilettante and that was what he wanted to be.

  “My great grandchild will not be raised by a lazy, good-for-nothing ne'er-do-well! You're a wizard and you will behave like one. You will be hard working, diligent in your studies and a respectable member of the realm. And that is not just my decision. It is that of the Faerie!”

  “What?! Why would they care?”

  “Because they do, you dullard! Why do you think you've been welcome here all these years? Because they like you!”

  “They like me?” That seemed odd to Edrick. They had never shown much sign of liking him. Not even in the six months since the war when he'd become aware of their secret. They certainly hadn't shown up to have a mug of tea or share a conversation.

  “Don't get a swollen head boy! It's not like that. They like you – but not as a friend exactly.”

  “Then how?”

  “Well, a long time ago they started domesticating other creatures. Silver tailed foxes and griffins. But life has been a bit quiet for the past few thousand years. They thought it was time they started on a new creature.”

  “I'm a pet?! To a bunch of unicorns?!” Edrick's eyes bulged in outrage. And yet he also realised it was probably true considering how powerful they were, as compared with him.

  “If that. But really, I'd say you only have a chance to make it to that lofty position – if you work hard!” Now it was the kitten’s turn to laugh. “But I'm not sure you have it in you.”

  “What are you laughing at?” Edrick snapped at the wizard. “You are at best the pet of a pet!”

  “Ahh, but I have one thing you don't. The understanding of how to train pets!” The kitten laughed louder.

  “Huh!” Edrick snorted. “You have the body of a kitten and no magic. Let's see how far your knowledge goes!”

  “Yes, let's. Because the one thing I explained to them when they gave me this unfortunate task, was that what mostly held wizards back was distractions. Things like hunger, laziness and lust. And that to get the best out of your weak mind, I would really have to focus you.”

  “And?” Edrick didn't understand.

  “Well one of the most useful techniques there is for training racehorses is gelding them.” The kitten stared at him, green eyes filled with seriousness.

  “What?!” Edrick couldn't believe he'd just said that. “You wouldn't dare!”

  “Me?” The wizard managed to look at his front paws innocently. “Of course not. Not even when you're disgracing my only granddaughter shamelessly! But then it's not up to me. And I'm sure that if you work hard, it won't be necessary! Mostly sure!”

  “You are a dead cat!”

  “Perhaps. But first I think a saucer of milk and some of the stew I can smell on the stove top would be in order. And then we can begin reviewing the basic enchantments. Things even a simpleton like you should be able to manage.”

  The ancient wizard did his best to look like the cutest ball of fluff as he peered up at him from his box. He seemed to think he had the upper paw in this battle. And as Edrick rubbed his nose and wiped away another spot of blood, he had the sudden thought that he might.

  “Damn!”

 

 

 
-ms-filter: grayscale(100%); filter: grayscale(100%); " class="sharethis-inline-share-buttons">share