It wasn’t wise to continue chasing after dreams she’d long ago put to rest. Even if she still loved Blue, she had to let go of him. She had to back away. Because she didn’t think she could make it through another break up with him. This time her heart would surely shatter.
“I could never imagine a life without your mother. That’s why I wanted to propose to her. Being with her felt as essential as breathing.” Alec Donahue
Chapter Eleven
For the last two hours, Blue had been holed up in the offices of Cape Cod Bank. By the time he exited the building he’d been feeling a little stunned and confused. And happy. If he hadn’t been a six-foot-tall grown man, he might have skipped all the way to his car. He’d just taken out a substantial loan so he could open his new media business in Breeze Point. For the past few weeks he’d been getting his assignments from a freelance journalism bureau in Boston. Even though he’d once believed being a journalist meant telling global stories, his heart was leading him in a new direction. More than anything he wanted to plant roots in his hometown and tell the stories that affected Cape Codders—fishermen fighting for a living, families displaced by hurricanes and super storms, parishioners fighting to save historical churches. At this point in his life he couldn’t imagine anything finer.
Home. His parents. His six brothers. Sarah.
Stay in Breeze Point. A little voice had kept buzzing in his ears, one he’d found impossible to ignore. You’re home. For someone who’d been lucky enough to find a place to call home after a tumultuous childhood, he couldn’t ignore the tugging on his heart strings. And so he’d done something a little impulsive and a lot crazy. He’d staked a claim in Breeze Point. And now, with his future firmly rooted in his hometown, he was hoping to show Sarah where his heart resided.
“So, you’re ready to go the distance, huh?” Wyatt had come with him to the financing meeting, ready to step in if he’d had any trouble getting a business loan. Thankfully, he hadn’t needed his brother’s help, although it was touching to have it offered to him.
Wyatt raised an eyebrow. “I assume this sudden interest in settling down in Breeze Point is because of Sarah. Am I right?”
“It’s not just for Sarah. Seeing Dad in such a vulnerable state has made me realize that I need to spend more time with Mom and Dad. I want to be there for them to lean on.” Blue felt a grin taking over his face. “And with regard to Sarah, I’ve never stopped loving her. And spending all this time together lately...it just brings it all home. She’s it for me. No other woman will do.”
Wyatt slapped him on the back. He let out a chuckle. “What took you so long to figure it out?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know. I’m just feeling really blessed to have another chance to get things right.” But in order to put things back on track, he needed to talk to Sarah. He needed to sit down and pour his heart out to her. She needed to know how he felt. And he needed to tell her the truth about four years ago. She deserved to know why she hadn’t gotten the wedding they’d both so joyously looked forward to.
He needed to put it all out there. Sarah was his past, present and future—without her, nothing really made sense. He loved her, with every fiber of his being. He always had.
And now he couldn’t wait to shout it from the rooftops. He couldn’t wait to have a quiet moment with Sarah so he could tell her everything he was feeling. Blue didn’t want to wait a single moment longer in order to make all their dreams come true. There was no time like the present to lay it all on the line. He prayed that she would understand his past actions. And he hoped she still loved him, because he couldn’t imagine a life without her in it.
Three days later and Blue was still trying to make contact with Sarah, to no avail. He was beginning to think she was avoiding him. He’d called her cell phone, left messages for her at the hospital and tried to accidentally run into her at his parents’ house. All of a sudden it seemed as if Sarah had disappeared off the face of the Earth. He was beginning to worry about her lack of response. Had something happened that he wasn’t aware of?
By Friday night he was at his wit’s end. It was hard for him to believe that she hadn’t received any of his messages. On impulse, he decided to swing by her house on the off chance she might be at home. Standing on her doorstep he took a deep breath, knowing that there was so much at stake between them. All of his emotions had been sitting heavily on his heart for the past few days, near to bursting through his chest. It was now or never to for him to lay it all on the line.
*
Sarah was just about to call it a night and curl up in bed with a good book when her doorbell pealed. One glance outside revealed Blue’s car sitting in her driveway. Tension hovered in the air between them.
Blue’s face radiated intensity. His jaw was tightly clenched and he was shifting from one foot to the other. “I came by to check in with you. They said you called out today at the hospital. Are you not feeling well?”
She wrapped her arms around her middle. Her gaze focused on a point to the right of Blue’s face. Looking him in the eye felt impossible. “I’m not sick.”
“No? I’ve left a bunch at messages for you on your cell and home phone.”
A sigh escaped her lips. “I know. I got the messages.”
Blue’s hazel eyes seem to skewer her. “So, you are avoiding me.”
Sarah looked down at the floor. “Yes, I’ve been avoiding you.”
“Do you mind telling me why?” He was tapping his foot now and shifting uncomfortably. “Did I do something? Say something to offend you?”
She almost broke at that exact moment. The apologetic tone of his voice gutted her. It made her want to close the physical gap between them and snuggle up against him.
“No, you didn’t do anything, it’s just that we’ve been spending so much time together. It feels a bit overwhelming.”
“If you want me to back off just tell me.” His voice sounded slightly wounded, causing a feeling of guilt to slice through her.
Back off? No, of course she didn’t want that. She was just confused. Ever since Blue’s return she’d had the sensation of being on a roller coaster ride. Her initial anger had been replaced by compassion, only to be replaced by longing. She wanted to get back to that place in time with Blue when the world was their oyster and the future stretched before them like a golden promise. Yet still the doubts plagued her. The unresolved questions about the past. The whys. She still didn’t have any answers as to how her relationship with Blue had self-destructed when she wasn’t looking. Being with him in the present seemed almost too good to be true. In the back of her mind she kept waiting for things to fall apart again. She kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. And she didn’t think she could live like that, because it wouldn’t really be living.
“It’s not as simple as backing off. In the last few weeks we’ve been connecting in a way I never thought was possible. To be completely honest, I’m stuck. How can I open a door when I’m not really sure why it was ever closed in the first place?”
Their gazes locked, and she sent Blue a look filled with as much pleading as she possibly could. In order to go forward, she needed answers only Blue could give. She wanted it all: the kids, the house, a man who would love her unconditionally. She wanted Blue. But she wasn’t prepared to continue down this path wearing rose-colored glasses. Having done so in the past had left her with nothing more than shattered dreams. If nothing else, she needed some straight talk with Blue so they could clear up some things.
“Sarah, can we go sit down? I need to tell you everything.”
The way Blue said the word ‘everything’ caused a lurching sensation in the pit of her stomach. Feeling a little numb, she led the way towards her cozy living room where she ushered him towards the wrap around sofa. She purposely sat down at the opposite end of the couch, wanting to keep a little distance between them. A ponderous silence ensued between them.
Blue steepled his fingers in front of him, then rested his chi
n on them. Finally, he spoke. “Ever since I’ve been back I’ve wanted to tell you what I should have four years ago. The reason I left town before the wedding was because I went to see my biological father. He was dying in hospice and I flew there to be with him. Everything else you already know. My plane sat on the tarmac for hours due to the tropical storm, causing me to show up late to the church.”
“What?” Although Sarah knew she’d heard Blue correctly, her mind was having a hard time wrapping itself around the information Blue had just revealed. She shook her head, not wanting to believe what she’d just heard. “You did what?”
“Four years ago, I hired a private investigator to locate my biological father. He was in Florida at a hospice. He had pancreatic cancer and there wasn’t much time. I made a decision that I had to see him one last time. I knew it was my only chance to see him face-to-face.”
Bile rose up in Sarah’s throat. How could Blue have hidden this information from her? They’d been engaged, within days of pledging their undying love to one another. Yet he’d hired a private investigator, planned a trip out of town and met with his dying father, all without telling her a single word about it. And even when everything had blown up in their faces he’d still failed to come clean with her. Pain sliced through her. Had it all been a lie? Even after all these years she’d still been clinging to the idea of their blissful relationship. But now, faced with overwhelming evidence to the contrary she had no choice but to come to terms with the truth. They’d been broken, only she’d been completely clueless about it.
Dear Lord, please sustain me. I thought you were leading me towards a future with Blue. I don’t know how many more blows I can take. Just when I had hope for a future with him, I’m being hit with this news. And I don’t understand how I could have been so close to marrying someone who didn’t trust me. Or believe in me.
“Sarah, please don’t look at me like that. This had nothing to do with you...or us. I loved you then. Fiercely. Completely. Without reservation.” His features softened. His tone became tender. “Just as I love you now. I never stopped loving you. Finding my birth father and going to see him was closure for me. It was something I needed to do to finally put all those childhood issues to rest. So when the PI came back and told me he was on his deathbed, I had to move fast. It didn’t give me any time to think things through.”
“And how did that work out for you?” Her voice came out raspy, not even sounding like her own. She was surprised at her ability to formulate a sentence. It felt as if her legs would give out. Her heart felt as if it were under attack.
“Not very well.” Blue’s gaze faltered and he looked down at the floor. He heaved a huge sigh. She could see his chin trembling. “He didn’t really care that I was there. Kept telling me how I ruined his life. How if it hadn’t been for me he might have had a better life.”
Anger flared inside her at the knowledge that Blue’s biological father had been monstrous till the end. Moisture gathered in Blue’s eyes, and although she wanted nothing more than to sweep him into her arms, she knew there were other matters to be addressed.
“Blue, I’m so sorry about that. It must have devastated you. I can’t imagine how horrible it must have felt to be treated like that. But, I am so happy you were able to face him again. Not as the child, but as the well-spoken, strong man who’s risen way above his past.”
“Seeing him really messed me up. And even though it may sound shocking, I grieved the loss of him. Not the man he was, but the father I could have had if he’d been different. If he hadn’t been a monster.”
“No matter how awful parents can be, it’s a normal thing to want them to love us. It’s a universal desire.”
He shook his head. “That’s all kids every want from their parents. To be loved.”
Frustration flooded her. “Why didn’t you just tell me? I would have understood.”
“Sarah, I’m so sorry. I don’t really fully understand it myself. All I know is that I come from a place of dysfunction. Because of that, it wasn’t really something I was capable of sharing with you. I’ve thought it over so many times in my head, but all I know is I was wrapped up in fear and shame.”
She shook her head, unwilling to believe it was that simple. “No, Blue. We shared everything,” she insisted. “There wasn’t anything too personal or private between us. And we were right on the precipice of sharing our lives together.”
“Yeah, we did share everything. One hundred percent. Until that moment when I was pulled back into my past. I know it’s confusing, but every single insecurity I’ve ever had is tied up in my birth parents. It was incredibly difficult to face up to the fact that I was going to see him after nearly twenty years. I was terrified, Sarah. Way more terrified than I’ve ever been.”
“But you’re not the same person you were then.”
“That’s right. I’m not. Because of my adoptive parents and my faith, I’ve grown by leaps and bounds. And you, Sarah; you’ve forever changed me. But my past still messes with my head. And there’s no bigger trigger than my birth parents”
Sarah kept quiet as the truth sank in. For four long years she’d rehashed the events leading up to their wedding day, driving herself crazy in the process. It had never made any sense to her that Blue had left town on assignment two days before their wedding. But in reality, it had been so much more than a work assignment. It had been a personal quest tied up with Blue’s heart and soul. It had been a painful and personal odyssey he’d went on. And she’d been completely in the dark.
Blue’s voice cut into her thoughts. “I don’t know why I didn’t share it with you, Sarah. I suppose a part of me was still ashamed that I came from a man like that. So full of shame that he didn’t love me, yet I was still reaching out for some small kernel of love from him. I’m so fortunate to belong to the Donahue family. I felt guilty about even making the trip. It made me feel disloyal somehow.”
“Does your family know about this?”
Blue’s eyebrows knit together and he twisted his mouth. “My parents know he passed away, but Ryder is the only one who knows that I went to visit him before he passed away.”
“So you did share it with someone, just not me,” she said in a quiet voice.
“Ryder only knows because he was the one who found me at the church after you left.”
Blue winced. “I was gutted, Sarah. I didn’t even know pain like that existed. I was on my knees at the altar, praying for God to show me the way. Next thing I knew Ryder was there telling me what a fool I’d been to miss the wedding. I told him the truth just to shut him up.”
She folded her arms across her chest, not even trusting herself to say a single word. What was there to say anyway? Their entire future had crumbled underneath a huge lie of omission. And even though she’d told herself it was all water under the bridge, her insides still roiled with pain. It hurt knowing he’d sacrificed their wedding day for a callous, abusive man who’d long ago turned his back on him.
She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know what to say. What’s done is done.” Now that Blue had spoken his piece, all she felt was a hollow, empty feeling. Her anger had deflated like a popped balloon.
“Sarah, don’t shut down on me. Please, we can work through this.”
“I’m not shutting down. Really, I’m not. I’m simply being realistic.”
“Realistic?” Blue’s tone went dangerously soft. It was a sure sign that anger was building up inside him. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“If we were going to work things out, it would have happened a long time ago. Not four years after the fact when you happen to be in town. We would have tried, Blue. We would have killed ourselves trying. We would have sought out counseling with Pastor Mike or locked ourselves in a cabin and hashed it out until we worked things through. I think this—.” She gestured towards herself and then towards him as her voice trailed off. “This was just both of us reaching out for something familiar.”
“Was? As in
past tense? Are you saying this is over between us?” He leaned forward on the couch, every inch of his body radiating extreme tension. “No way,” Blue spit out. “Yell. Scream at me. Bang your fists against the wall. But don’t you dare try to make it seem as if we don’t have something wonderful. Don’t you dare try to convince yourself that what we feel for one another isn’t a once in a lifetime thing.”
“Maybe we had our shot at it, Blue.” She began walking away from him, unwilling to subject herself to any more hurt. She’d been through enough to last a lifetime!
“Where are you going Sarah? We need to hash things out.”
She shook her head fiercely, her eyes flashing fire. “It’s too late for honesty. Whatever chance we had crashed and burned a long time ago. Face it, Blue. It’s hopeless.”
He gritted his teeth. “As long as we’re both still breathing, there’s hope for us.”
“I’m not doing this with you. Not again!” Her voice crackled with anguish.
“You’re doing the same thing we both did four years ago. You’re walking away.”
She shrugged. “Maybe I am. Isn’t that what you did four years ago? Now it’s my turn, I guess.” She spit the words out, her tone radiating anger even though her expression was blank. She got up and walked toward the front door, jerking it open with one quick tug. “I think you should leave, Blue. There really isn’t anything more to say.”
*
Feeling as if he were about to walk the plank, Blue made his way to the door in a few easy strides. The whole time he was hoping Sarah would change her mind and tell him to stay. She didn’t even make eye contact with him as he walked past her. Her head was tucked into her chest, eyes downcast. He opened his mouth to say one last thing to her, and then closed it as he changed his mind. She’d made it perfectly clear he’d outstayed his welcome. Her heart wasn’t open to hearing anything he had to say. Not anymore.
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