Kids on the Doorstep

by Kimberly Van Meter

  “I’m mad at you for running away and not taking us with you and leaving us with Daddy. I’m mad because I tried to be the best daughter but you left anyway. You left us all behind and then you didn’t find us in time before Daddy hurt Chloe. I’m mad because I couldn’t stop him from putting her outside in the rain. I’m mad because you didn’t love us more than you loved your drinks. I’m mad because—”

  Alexis stopped long enough to suck back a watery hiccup,

  “—you said you’d never leave us and you did. You left us behind. Why?”

  That last part came out a pained whisper and Renee felt her heart splinter in a million pieces.

  “I do love you,” she whispered back. “I do. So much.”

  Alexis wiped a sleeve across her running nose and her eyes were red-rimmed and glassy. “I don’t believe you.”

  “I know. But I will gladly spend the rest of my life showing you how much I’ve changed if you’d just let me try.”

  “What if you leave again?”

  “I won’t.” Renee made that a solemn promise.

  “What if you start drinking again?”

  Renee took a deep breath. She wouldn’t lie to her daughter. “Every day is a struggle not to drink but I am committed to sobriety. I haven’t slipped yet and every day that I don’t drink is a victory that I celebrate. It’s one day at a time, sweetheart. That’s the only promise I can make.”

  “Alexis…do you miss your mom?”

  Her small bottom lip quivered, giving away the answer even though Alexis remained silent. Then, Alexis looked to Dr. Phillips and nodded.

  “Then tell her.”

  Alexis slowly met Renee’s gaze and time seemed to stop for Renee as her daughter struggled to get out the words that seemed trapped in her small chest. But finally Renee heard the words that she so longed to hear and nearly collapsed from the weight of it.

  “I miss you…Mom.”

  Renee didn’t wait and scooped her daughter into her arms, clutching her young body to her own as if it were a lifeline to heaven and her own sobs mingled with Alexis’s. She whispered into her hair, inhaling deep the sweet scent of her child as she clung to her, “I will never let you down again. Ever.”

  And that was a promise she’d never break.

  JOHN NOTICED THE DIFFERENCE in Alexis the moment she and Renee returned from their therapy session. There was a tentative peacefulness that hadn’t been there previously. A weight fell from his shoulders as he realized they must’ve turned a corner together. He was glad. It hurt him to see Alexis so twisted up inside over this thing with her mother.

  But even as he was happy for Renee, his mind was turning in circles over what was soon to come. Their court date was fast approaching, which meant it was likely the judge was going to rule in Renee’s favor. And he should. She was a good mother and she deserved her children back. If only it didn’t hurt like hell to think of how empty his house and his life would be with their absence.

  He was accustomed to his little shadow out in the barn as Taylor never missed a morning to get up and help him before she went off to school, no matter how early or cold. She was an endless source of entertainment with her playful antics and unique slant on things. She was more like him than he would’ve ever deemed possible even though they shared no blood. Alexis was a beauty he knew would need someone to watch out for her when the boys started to realize just how pretty she was. He wanted to be around to make sure that she was treated right by any boy who happened to catch her eye and heaven help any kid who made her cry. And Chloe…a perpetually soft spot was held for that sunny kid. The other day she’d called him Daddy. He’d kept it to himself but it had affected him in a powerful way. He didn’t correct her though he knew he should’ve.

  Of course, it all came down to Renee, though. She dominated his thoughts morning and night. His hungry gaze sought her out and feasted whenever he found her. Her fair beauty, wonderful curves and hearty laughter made him grin like a silly boy.

  For the first time in his life, he knew what it was like to pine for someone who was out of his reach. Before he realized it, he’d left the arena and had wandered to Renee’s cottage. He meant to stop and turn around once he realized where he was headed but his feet weren’t listening any more than his heart was and soon he was knocking on her door.

  She opened it and offered him an unsure smile. “The girls okay?”

  “They’re fine. Doing homework and eating cookies. Can I come in for a minute?”

  “Sure.” She held the door open wider and he moved past her, their bodies touching briefly and electrifying the space between them.

  “Things go well at therapy?”

  She smiled. “Actually, I can’t believe I’m going to say this but yes, it did go well. I think Alexis and I are going to be okay.”

  “I’m glad.”

  “Any problems with that Cutter guy since buying Vixen?” she asked.

  He shook his head. “He’s a puss. Sheriff Casey paid him a visit a few days ago and a little bird told me that he might be leaving town. Just doesn’t fit in, I guess.”

  “It’s hard to fit in with a small town,” Renee murmured. “Outsiders…they aren’t exactly welcomed with open arms around here.”

  “For people like Cutter Buford, you’re right. But if you’re talking about yourself, you’re wrong. This town would embrace you if you let them.”

  She looked at him and he read a wealth of insecurity there. Finally, she shook her head sadly. “I’m not small-town girl material. Even if I wish I were.”

  That last part came out a soft whisper that twisted his heart in wicked knots.

  “You could be,” he said.

  “What would I do here? I can’t continue to be your housekeeper. What would happen to me and my girls when you meet someone you want to settle down with? I’m tired of having a throwaway future.”

  He wanted to tell her that he’d found the person he wanted to settle down with but his damn mouth wouldn’t cooperate. She was set on leaving. Who was he to try and convince her otherwise? Seemed an exercise doomed to fail in his book. He gave a curt nod as if he understood and perhaps even agreed when in fact he was just afraid of being rejected. He really didn’t have all that much practice with putting his heart on the line. He didn’t know what to say or do to make it right for the both of them.

  Instead he changed subjects. “Are you nervous about court?” he asked.

  She risked a small smile but it looked ragged on the edges as she admitted, “Yes. Very.”

  “Don’t be,” he assured her roughly. “You’ve done all the right things. You deserve to get your girls back.”

  Her eyes warmed with gratitude and it nearly knocked him over. She grasped his hand tightly. “Thank you. For everything you’ve done for my girls…and for me. I can never repay you.”

  He wanted to shuck off her gratitude knowing that he selfishly wanted to do anything to hold on to them, but he merely accepted her thanks with another short nod before grasping the door handle to leave.

  “John…”

  He turned. “Yeah?”

  Her eyes shone with a soft light that he’d happily go blind from and it seemed she yearned for him to say something to fill the space between them, but the odd ache in his chest was making it difficult to think clearly. Crossing to him, she wrapped her arms around him and he automatically reciprocated, sheltering her within his arms as her lips found his in a tender, soul-searing kiss that rocked him to his toes.

  He gripped her tightly, afraid to let go, afraid to continue. Slanting his mouth greedily over hers, he was tempted to devour her for the need fueling his blood. He’d never get enough. In a million years he’d never have his fill of this woman. Her body molded to his in perfect symmetry like two pieces of a puzzle locking together and he wondered how he’d ever thought he’d been in love before this moment. He knew this was love because he’d watch her walk away if he knew that would make her happy.

  Pulling away slowly,
he memorized the features of her face. Then with a final crack of his heart, he made his voice take on a light tone as if what had just happened between them hadn’t just laid bare every emotion he was capable of feeling, and he said, “A simple thank you would’ve been fine.”

  Her expression dimmed and she looked at him with open hurt for his flippant comment. “Why do you have to do that?”

  He sighed and tugged at his baseball cap. “Renee…we always knew this day would come. I’ve never been one for long goodbyes and obviously I’m no good at this stuff.”

  “You don’t have to make it worse,” she said coldly.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  That seemed to mollify her slightly and she nodded. Without much else to say that wouldn’t inadvertently make things worse between them, John let himself out.

  TOMORROW WAS HER COURT DATE and she was all packed and ready to go. She knew there was a slim possibility that the judge might not rule in her favor but she’d been in contact with her social worker and since Alexis’s turn-around in therapy, she had reason to hope for a good resolution. By tomorrow, she and her girls could leave this place behind and everything it entailed.

  So why did her heart feel like lead in her chest? Sinking her head into her hands as she plopped down on the edge of the bed, she exhaled loudly and wanted to groan.

  She just needed space to think. Once she and the girls were settled somewhere else without John around to cloud their judgment things would clear up. She avoided thinking about how upset the girls would be when she told them they were leaving. Alexis knew the court date was coming yet she had remained silent, knowing as well that the little girls wouldn’t understand why they couldn’t stay. Renee wasn’t sure if Alexis understood, either, but she was placing her trust in Renee to do what was right for them.

  That was it, though. Right now, Renee didn’t know what was right. If she listened to her traitorous heart the right thing was to stay here with John and build a life in the sticks even though that went against everything she thought she wanted. If she listened to her head and consequently her pride, the right thing was to get in the car and drive far, far away and try to blot out the memory of ever being here. The girls would adapt and everything would be fine.

  Easier said than done. Her heart already wailed at the thought of walking out that door and never coming back. She’d miss John in a way that was palpable. How’d that happen? Sneaky man with his handsome face and rough disposition, she groused. Slapping the bedspread and causing dust motes to float lazily into the stream of sunlight coming through the window, she was nowhere closer to finding the truth of her feelings than she was when she started asking questions.

  Here’s what it came down to: Did she love John Murphy? The kind of love that was gritty and messy and strong and wonderful? Or was this a fleeting infatuation that would eventually weaken under the strain of everyday living?

  She thought of John with her girls and her heart filled with love for his willing sacrifice. She thought of John with Gladys and his deep feelings for an older woman who wasn’t his blood and respect blossomed. And lastly, she thought of John the night they made love and she had her answer.

  So why did that make her want to cry?

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  THE DAY OF COURT BROKE with bright rays of yellow sunshine and birds chirping as if it weren’t the worst day of John’s life.

  Showering quickly, he told himself it was better to get this over with than drag it out. He knew Renee hadn’t told the girls that today was the day they might leave and he knew why she was reluctant. The news wasn’t likely to go over very well. He didn’t begrudge her wanting to put off that moment for as long as she could. Besides, there was always a slim chance the judge might want a little more time to decide. The flicker of hope he felt at that possibility filled him with guilt. It was plain selfish to think that way and he was instantly ashamed for even considering it. Renee deserved her children and he wouldn’t say or do a thing to keep them from her.

  She’d come a long way from the woman he’d first seen that cold winter day. He didn’t even recognize her as the same person. There was no way he could’ve seen the true woman hiding behind that angry facade that first day. He wondered how things might’ve been different if he had…shaking off the useless direction of his thoughts he trained his focus on his breakfast, not trusting his own mouth to remain buttoned without something to keep it busy.

  In spite of the sunny day the morning was promising to turn into, the house had a pall over it that only the adults seemed to notice. The girls got ready for school just as they always did. Chloe sat at the breakfast table eating her cereal while Gladys and Renee made lunches for the two older girls.

  “Bye, Mom!” Alexis and Taylor said in unison as they grabbed their lunch sacks and ran for the door as the sound of the school bus rumbled down the road. It was all so damn normal and appealing that John had to blink back an odd moisture in his eyes.

  “What time is court?” Gladys asked once the older girls were gone and Chloe had scampered off to watch her favorite early morning cartoons.

  “Eight-thirty,” Renee answered, shooting a vulnerable look John’s way.

  “Then you’d better get going, I suppose,” Gladys said, her voice tinged with sadness. She hugged Renee tightly and offered good luck. To John she said, “You driving?”

  He looked at Renee and she shrugged. “Sure,” he answered, though his chest felt tight.

  They drove in silence until John couldn’t take it any longer. Desperation had started to set in and all he could think of was that he was about to lose the people in his life that had come to mean the most.

  “Renee—”

  Suddenly Renee twisted to stare out the window to the vehicle that had just barreled past them and she cut him off with a shriek. “Oh my God! That was Jason!”

  Everything else forgotten, he looked at Renee sharply. “Are you sure?”

  “I’m positive. He’s headed for Gladys’s house and Gladys mentioned that she and Chloe were going to go and water her plants this morning. Turn around, turn around!”

  Wrenching the wheel, John chewed up the gravel on the shoulder and punched the gas to head back where they’d came.

  “Why is he coming back? What does he want?” she asked, clearly talking to herself. The panic in her voice mirroring the growing rage that was building inside him if that man so much as touched a hair on Chloe’s head. “Thank God the older girls are at school,” she said to John and he agreed. The less they witnessed the better off they’d be. John had a feeling things were about to get ugly. She turned to him, clutching at his shirtsleeve with wide, frightened eyes. “What if he tries to take Chloe to get back at me or he forces Gladys to tell him where his girls go to school? Oh, God…why is he doing this? Why couldn’t he just stay gone!”

  “There’s a restraining order filed against him, barring him from contact with the girls or coming onto the ranch and there’s a warrant out for his arrest. He’s not going anywhere.”

  “Pieces of paper aren’t going to stop Jason if he wants to take them,” Renee said. “He’s never had any respect for the law, he’s not about to start now.”

  “We’ll see about that.” Flipping open his cell phone, he dialed Sheriff Casey’s cell phone. “John here. That SOB is back and he’s headed for Gladys’s place. Send a deputy if you want things handled your way. We were on our way to court when we passed him on the highway. He’s driving a beat-up silver Nissan with Arizona plates.”

  “Jason is unstable,” Renee told John in a thready voice tinged with true fear. “He was always a bit of a wild card…it’s part of what attracted me the most,” she added in a shameful whisper. He couldn’t help but wonder if that sort of thing was still what turned her clock but his question must’ve planted itself in his expression because she shook her head decisively. “Not now. Back when I was a stupid, rebellious kid. I’ve had enough of that kind of excitement. But right now…I want to p
lant my fist in Jason’s face.”

  “You and me both,” John muttered darkly. God help the man if they got there before the deputies. The way John figured it, he and good ol’ Jason had a few things to settle.

  “He might take Chloe for leverage,” Renee said suddenly, the furrow in her brow deepening with pain. “He’s used the kids against me before. He’d do it again. Oh, God, John, please don’t let him hurt my baby again.”

  “He won’t touch her.” That was a promise.

  GLADYS WAS IN THE PROCESS of watering her spider plant and singing “You Are My Sunshine” with Chloe when Jason walked into the kitchen.

  Chloe saw Jason first. Gladys didn’t realize someone was in the house with them until Chloe started crying.

  “What’s wrong, sugar?” she asked, nearly dropping the watering can in her hand when she saw Jason standing there looking like a man on death row. “Jason? What are you doing here?”

  Gladys kept Chloe behind her and glared at Jason though in truth the look in his eyes made her knees quake. He looked like death warmed over in his filthy clothes and oily hair, but it was the emptiness of his eyes that made Gladys want to take the baby and run in the opposite direction.

  “No hello? Nice to see you? How’ve you been? Well, thanks for asking. Things have been a little rough to tell the truth.” His voice cracked as if he’d been shouting at the top of his lungs at a rock concert before he arrived. He came toward her and she took a few steps back, weighing her exit strategy. Jason shook his head at her as if disappointed. “Aunt Gladys, you’re hurting my feelings. That’s plenty far.” His voice hardened. “If you know what’s good for you you’ll stop.”

  Jason pulled a gun from the back of his grimy jeans’ waistband and Gladys couldn’t help the gasp that followed.

  “Have you lost your mind, boy? You can’t come in here and start waving a gun. You’re frightening Chloe.”