Where the Heart Lies

by Michelle Garren Flye

  Yes. Alicia pushed the admission away before she could utter it. “No, that was his job. I know that. He’d never have left us. I just…I don’t know how he could do it so easily, you know? I mean, the Marines say go thousands of miles away from your family and he jumps to, no questions asked.”

  “I don’t believe it was like that. I know before he left he came to me and asked me to keep close tabs on you. He felt awful about missing the baby’s birth.” Jim’s voice cracked a little and he took a deep breath. “He would rather have done anything else than leave you. I know that.”

  “He knew I’d have you and Millie, though.” Alicia put her hand on the arm of the man who was the closest thing she’d had to a father since her teenage years. “And that’s a lot.”

  “A lot. Maybe too much.” Her father-in-law sounded a little grim. Alicia raised her eyebrows and he shrugged. “I just don’t want you to put your life on hold until you think we’re ready for you to get on with it.”

  She laughed. “That’s ridiculous.”

  “Is it?” His gaze sharpened. “Millie couldn’t help but notice you were a little defensive the other day with Lauran and Sean.”

  “About Liam? Really?” Alicia paused, thinking. “It was just the way Lauran questioned me—like I’d done something wrong by talking to another man. It did irritate me, I admit, but the whole thing was perfectly innocent, so I got over it.” She frowned. “I hope you and Millie know it was…innocent, that is.”

  When he said nothing, she laughed. “I guess I do need your approval, huh?”

  “That’s what I’m saying, sweetie.” Jim squeezed her hand. “We’ll probably never be ready to see you with anyone else, but you’re young and beautiful and have a lot to offer someone. If you find you’re ready, don’t wait for our okay.”

  Alicia shook her head, rejecting the idea, though it occurred to her that her first reaction to Liam had been to wonder what he looked like without his glasses. “I’m not ready. I can’t imagine being ready. I still miss Ty every single day. I sit at the computer and wish he could email me, or I look at the phone and it hurts to know he’ll never call me again.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “I miss him so much.”

  “I know. Me too.” Jim sighed, looking away. He seemed restless. Alicia imagined that he would have paced the room if he’d had the strength. After a moment of silence, he added, “It’s a terrible thing to outlive your child.”

  Tears came to Alicia’s eyes and she bit them back. “Yeah, it is.” Her voice shook, and Jim took her hand. In the silence of the gray wintry day, they sat in the cozy apartment with the sound of Gemma’s chatter and the smell of meatloaf wafting in from the kitchen.

  Chapter Five

  Alicia slammed on the brakes, but only after the telltale bump. She’d just run over something, and she suspected it was a rabbit. Two weeks before Easter and Alicia had run over a bunny rabbit with her kids in the car. The rabbit, if that’s what it was, was under the car. She looked around helplessly. What could she do? She couldn’t stand to just drive away, but she couldn’t let on that something was wrong and traumatize Gemma with road kill.

  God help her, what if it was somebody’s cat?

  “Mommy?” Gemma looked up from her coloring. “Why are we stopped? Aren’t we going to the store?”

  Because Mommy just ran over the Easter bunny. What was the local rule about road kill here, anyway? Were you supposed to take care of it, or did the town have one of those guys who patrolled the street and shoveled tiny carcasses into the back of his pickup truck? And why was she thinking about this? She really didn’t want to dwell on it. Gemma returned to her coloring, unaware of her mother’s crisis. Alicia laid her head on the steering wheel, feeling betrayed and scorned and dumped on by the god who took everything away ten months ago…

  tap tap

  Alicia raised her head wearily and gave a start. Liam stood just outside the car window, looking pleasantly urban in his rural surroundings. He wore a dark sport coat over a shirt that was open at the collar, showing a bit of what she imagined was probably a nice chest. His dark hair was mussed in a very attractive, artistic way.

  Why did he keep turning up so unexpectedly? Here she was, guilty of the murder of Brer Rabbit and of course he had to show up…and he looked worried now. Heat crept up her cheeks. He probably thought she was a basket case slash closet psycho who was off her meds. Resigned, she rolled down the window.

  “You okay?” He sounded concerned, then apologetic. “Sorry, I was just checking on the house and I saw you sitting here…”

  “Yeah. I’m okay. I mean, sort of.” She glanced nervously into the backseat and his eyes followed hers. Gemma was still coloring. Alicia lowered her voice. “I hit something. I’m not sure what.”

  He blinked, but fortunately he followed her train of thinking. “You want me to check?” He stepped back casually and walked around the car. When he came back to the driver’s window, he nodded. “Look, you go ahead, I’ll take care of it.”

  Alicia closed her eyes. “What was it?”

  “Rabbit,” he said in a quiet voice. “Not your fault. It’s behind you, so it probably jumped out right in front of your back tires.”

  Alicia groaned but then opened her eyes, remembering the inquisitive ears in the backseat. “Yeah, thanks. I appreciate it.” She hesitated, then leaned over with one hand on the open window, keeping her voice low. “Could you tell if it’s dead?”

  He smiled in a way that implied he wished he could give her a different answer. “It’s dead.” Surprisingly, he patted her hand. “If it helps any, it was fast.”

  Alicia wanted to laugh. She caught a glimmer of humor in his eyes. Or maybe it was her own hysteria setting in. “Okay. Thanks.” She looked around curiously. “I thought you lived in Chapel Hill.”

  “My parents’ house is just over there.” He pointed. “I come down to check on it from time to time.”

  Alicia examined the small ranch house, which looked much like the other houses on the street—a lot like her own house, as a matter of fact. She wondered why she hadn’t seen him since that first night.

  As if reading her mind, he said, “I’m sorry I haven’t been back over to check on you. I haven’t been able to get back into town for the past month or so. I hope you’re getting settled in okay.”

  On cue, Gemma looked up and grinned. “Hey, Mr. Liam!”

  “Hi, sweetheart.” Liam spoke to Gemma over Alicia’s shoulder. “Learned any new magic tricks lately?”

  Gemma pouted. “No. Nobody else knows any magic except you.” Her expression changed to hope. “But you’ll teach me more magic, won’t you?”

  He shot Alicia a look. “Sure. If your mom says it’s okay.”

  “Sure,” Alicia said, suddenly eager to move on. “Yeah, come by anytime. And thanks for the help with—you know.”

  “No problem.” He backed away as she stepped on the accelerator.

  * * *

  Liam watched her minivan disappear down the road. He sighed and looked at the tiny crushed body in the road, thinking that just a few minutes before, it had been a living, breathing soul. Now it was just a pile of meat and bone.

  “That’s the way it goes, my friend,” he said. “One minute you’re trying to find the sweetest patch of clover, the next you’re lying facedown in the road with tire tracks on your back.”

  His mind turned to Ty and how death had come for him so suddenly. He didn’t know the details, just that he’d died in Afghanistan. He hoped it had been quick for his old friend. Ty hadn’t been hopping around looking for a sweet patch of clover. Ty had been doing a job, and from what Liam understood, he’d done it very well right up until the end. A hot surge of guilt and self-disgust filled him. If Ty was the rabbit, he was the minivan who’d run his friend down.

  He shook it off a
nd turned to the shed beside the house for a shovel, thinking about the little white lie he’d told Alicia. Yes, he’d been working hard, but he’d had plenty of time to come home over the weekends. Every time he’d considered making the trip, the image of her sitting in the moonlight with the baby had risen in his mind like a specter of something desirable but forbidden. If he was going to fulfill his obligations to Ty, he’d have to overcome whatever feelings he was afraid he might develop for his widow.

  “You’ve just got to keep your mouth shut.” Ty met Liam’s eyes squarely. “It’s already done.”

  Liam shook his head, but he was weak and his head hurt. “You shouldn’t have done it.”

  “Why not?” Ty’s gaze didn’t waver. “You’d’ve done it for me.”

  Liam pushed the memory away, wishing not for the first time that he had never gone to Penny’s house that long-ago night of the accident. But regrets wouldn’t do him any good now. Shovel in hand, he returned to the road and scooped up the dead rabbit, transferring it to a patch of soft earth under the azalea bushes. He sank the shovel into the ground, the scrape of the metal against embedded gravel and small roots jarring his arm. When the hole was dug, he rolled the small body into it and shoveled dirt on top, tamping it down firmly.

  “Ashes to ashes,” he said, turning away from the grave and walking back into his parents’ house. Though he was tempted by Alicia’s half-hearted offer to stop by to visit, he wasn’t ready. He still wanted what he couldn’t have and until he could get past that, or at least bury it deep enough so she wouldn’t pick up on it, he had to stay away.

  * * *

  Alicia stood from her desk and stretched. It was excruciatingly hard to concentrate on a beautiful spring afternoon. For a moment she indulged herself and watched the play of light and dark green in the leaves of the maple tree outside. She could hear Amy and Gemma playing on the swing set. Having Amy babysit in the afternoons worked well. Alicia had the morning to run errands while Gemma was in preschool and the afternoon to work, either at home or at the store, while Gemma had quiet time and then played with Amy for a couple of hours. Jason was still small enough to amuse himself in a Pack ’n Play beside her or nap in his baby swing, so Alicia was getting more work done faster—a good thing when supporting a small family. Ty’s insurance had been good, and his social security was always a welcome check at the beginning of the month, but when it came to paying the bills, Alicia was under no illusions. She was responsible for supporting her family now, and she needed to get the store open.

  “But right now I don’t feel like being responsible.” She frowned at the computer with distaste. She heard a peal of laughter from outside and grinned, pushed in her desk chair and walked outside.

  The breeze was warm on her bare arms and she sighed with happiness when it lifted her hair from the back of her neck. As she rounded the corner of the house, Gemma ran into her and fell back, giggling. Alicia laughed, bending to help her up. “I see you’ve inherited my sense of grace.”

  “Mommy, can we go to the pond? Amy says there’s turtles and fish in it!”

  Amy, who had just come around the corner, said quickly, “We were on our way to ask you, Mrs. Galloway. It’s just a little way through the woods. Practically in your backyard.”

  Alicia looked at the blossoming, blowing trees and nodded. “Actually, that’s a great idea. Give me a minute to get Jason and we’ll go with you.”

  They walked in companionable silence. Strapped into his front-facing carrier, Jason gurgled and Alicia caressed his belly, remembering stroking her own stomach while she was pregnant with him. He laughed and kicked his arms and legs. “That’s exactly what he felt like when I was pregnant. Whew, he’s almost too big to carry like this, though.”

  “He’s really cute.” Amy reached out with one finger and Jason immediately caught it in his fist. “Wow, he’s got a real grip.”

  Alicia smiled at the girl. Amy was very pretty, with her mother’s long blonde hair and a direct look about her blue eyes. Slender and tall, she should have been haunted by boys, but Alicia hadn’t seen her with any. She wondered why. “So, the prom is coming up.”

  “Yeah,” Amy said. “Can I take this little guy?”

  Alicia laughed. “That’s past his bedtime. Don’t you already have a date?”

  Amy shrugged. “I dunno. In the big scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter, right? I’m leaving for college in the fall, anyway. Doesn’t make much sense to get involved with anybody here.”

  “You don’t have to ‘be involved’ with anybody to go to the prom with them, you know.”

  “I know, I know. Mom wants me to go out too. She says I should have fun. I guess I’ve always been a little too careful not to have too much fun.”

  Alicia smiled at Amy’s ironic tone. It made her a little sad, though, because it seemed too grown up for a girl in what should be her “fun” years. “Well, that’s smart. But don’t forget some fun is a good thing. And you’re a smart girl. You’ll know when enough is enough.”

  “Yeah, I guess.” Amy stopped and turned to look at Alicia as Gemma scampered ahead. “It’s just, you know, there’s me, after all. Product of a teen pregnancy and all.”

  Alicia met the girl’s gaze in spite of her own awkwardness about the subject. “You know your mother’s never thought of you as a mistake.”

  “Not me,” Amy agreed. “My dad, though, whoever he is. And do you know why he was such a mistake?”

  Alicia shook her head helplessly.

  “Because she fell in love with him. She was too young and she fell in love with him. And he left.”

  They were both silent. Alicia looked ahead to where Gemma admired a toadstool. Amy started back down the path and Alicia followed, scuffing her feet through the old leaves and smelling bright green spring scents.

  “I used to think I might know who my father was.” Amy glanced sideways at her.

  “Really?” Alicia had to admit she was interested. Though she’d become good friends with Penny since moving to Hillsborough, Penny had not broached the subject of Amy’s father with her. She wondered why her friend had kept the secret from everyone, including her own daughter. And if she’d ever told the father.

  “I thought it might be Dr. Addison.”

  “Really?” This caught Alicia’s attention. “Liam Addison?”

  Amy nodded. “Yeah. He and Mom were really close when I was young. Dating. I mean, he was around a lot, you know? I didn’t really think much about it until I got into elementary school. He’d come to all the school plays and he even helped out with a couple of school trips.”

  “What happened?”

  Amy shrugged and looked sad. “He and Mom had a big fight. I was too young to understand what it was about, but he moved to Chapel Hill full time and I didn’t see him much anymore. If he was my dad, he wouldn’t’ve left like that, would he?”

  “No, I can’t imagine he would.” He was so wonderful with Gemma. He obviously likes kids. What could make him leave Amy, even if he wasn’t her father?

  Amy shot her a look. “Gemma told me he came to your house. You liked him, didn’t you?” When Alicia hesitated, Amy continued, “Some of the girls in my class call him Dr. Hot because he’s so good-looking.”

  Alicia laughed. “How is it that the girls in your class know him?”

  “He’s done guest lectures at the high school and community college.”

  “Has he?” Alicia considered this. She wondered what Lauran thought about “Dr. Hot” lecturing at the high school, and she couldn’t hold back a smile.

  “I knew you liked him!” Amy chortled.

  Realizing her mistake, Alicia sobered. “Sweetheart, Dr. Addison has been very kind to me, so yes, I like him. But I’m a long way from ‘liking’ anybody in that way.”

  Amy sighed. “Too bad. You’d be
really cute together. And I may be too young to be in love, but you’re not.”

  As Alicia tried to digest this last remark, they came out of the trees into a clearing with a large, clear pond. Alicia recognized it from the picture of Ty and Liam. Gemma was already sitting on the mossy ground taking her shoes off and preparing to wade in.

  “Hey.” Amy turned and Alicia shifted her attention from her daughter to the other girl. “I’ve been meaning to ask you. I know you’re still trying to get your bookstore reopened and all, but I’m helping out with the Spring Fair at the elementary school. I went there and Gemma will go there next year, I guess. Anyway, a bunch of us alums, I guess you’d call us, help out every year collecting donations for the raffle from local merchants. It’s pretty good PR for you and it helps out a good cause.”

  Alicia thought of the sad state of her inventory and the few dog-eared young adult books in the store. Nothing to prevent her going to the big bookstore downtown to buy a few books to donate, though, even if it did feel like a betrayal of the Book Nook. She just wouldn’t tell Jim. “Sure.” She nodded. “Put me down for a basket of children’s books. Maybe by then I’ll have a date for the reopening.”

  “Great!” Amy grinned. “Thanks, and I’ll make sure you get mentioned in the article the paper runs afterward when we thank our sponsors.” She glanced over her shoulder as Gemma called out to her. “Uh-oh, duty calls!”

  Alicia watched her daughter and her friend’s daughter wade into the water of the pond where Ty had caught a big fish long ago. She felt oddly displaced, as if the past might meet the future here. The water Ty had fished was gone—evaporated and condensed and fallen somewhere else—but the pond was still here, renewed by other water from elsewhere in the cycle. With a whimsical sigh, she took off her shoes and waded in, letting the water wash over her feet and hoping for a renewal of her own.

  * * *

  “Hey, have you kidnapped my daughter or what?” Penny’s voice on the phone was amused instead of irritated.