Where the Heart Lies

by Michelle Garren Flye

  “Just checking in.” Penny sounded chipper. “Wanted to make sure you weren’t pining away or anything.”

  Alicia frowned. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “Ridiculous or not, I figured you’d be missing him.”

  With a sigh, Alicia gathered up the books she’d found lying on the ends of the shelves. “Yeah, I miss him. Liam’s been very good to us. But he’s just a friend. I’m not ‘pining away’ for anybody.” She started reshelving the books.

  “Good.” Penny sounded satisfied. “Maybe he didn’t draw you in quite as much as I’d feared.”

  Alicia rolled her eyes.

  “Anyway, looks like he won’t be lonely for much longer, anyway.” Penny paused and Alicia finally looked at her with her eyebrows raised. “Well, I just heard through the grapevine that Sandra Benning dropped her daughter off with her ex and took off on ‘business.’”

  “Business, huh?” Alicia recalled the hungry look in Sandra’s eyes. She knew perfectly well what Sandra’s business consisted of, and Penny did too. She wondered in a detached way if it would work out for her this time.

  The buzz of her cell phone interrupted her thoughts. She dug it out of her pocket and glanced at the unfamiliar local number with a frown before answering it. “Hello?”

  “Alicia?” Millie’s voice shook so much it was hard to recognize. “I’m sorry to interrupt you. I’m at the hospital. It’s Jim. Can you come?”

  * * *

  Penny drove, breaking every speed limit and muttering dares at the police. They raced across the parking lot of the sand-colored stucco building that housed the community’s hospital. At the information desk, they were directed to the third floor and found Millie hunched in a plastic chair, her purse at her feet. Alicia broke into a run as soon as she saw her mother-in-law, racing to her side and dropping to her knees. “Millie?”

  The moment Millie’s gaze met hers, Alicia knew. Jim was dying and Millie had accepted it. The very idea hit her hard in the chest, taking her breath away, and she laid her head in Millie’s lap for a moment. “Oh God.”

  “Mrs. Galloway?”

  Alicia turned before she realized the doctor was talking to her mother-in-law. As Millie rose, Alicia stood too, putting her arm around Millie’s shoulders.

  The doctor’s eyes were kind, but with no way to soften such news, his voice sounded blunt. “I’m very sorry. I’m afraid we were too late. Your husband never regained consciousness.”

  Millie nodded and sat again. Alicia sat beside her, holding her hand, only vaguely aware that Penny still stood next to her. She heard the doctor saying someone would be there soon but to let them know if they needed anything. He left and the hallway seemed abnormally silent.

  “He seemed fine.” Millie’s voice was much weaker than usual. “I made lunch and he said he was tired, he just wanted to take a nap. He was sitting in his chair, so I brought him an afghan. When I put it over him, he—” Her voice broke and she paused for a minute, then took a deep breath and continued. “He took my hand and told me I was a good wife and he should take me…he should take me dancing soon.” She took a deep breath, her eyes still fixed on a point a long way away. “I called him an old fool and kissed him.” She turned to Alicia. “Oh, baby, what am I going to do without him?” Her face crumpled and she seemed to tip forward into her daughter-in-law.

  Alicia put her arms around Millie’s thin shoulders and held her tightly. “You’re going to come home with me.” Her voice was firm. “We’ll figure it out together.”

  * * *

  By the time they’d finished everything that needed to be done at the hospital, it was late. Penny had gone home to look after Gemma and Jason after getting John to bring Alicia’s car to the hospital. Alicia led Millie out to the car. Millie hesitated. “It doesn’t seem right leaving him here.” Her voice was so low, Alicia wondered if she’d meant to speak out loud, but then Millie looked up at her with tears in her eyes. “I’ve never left him before without knowing when I’d see him again.”

  Millie’s words hit her hard. She almost doubled over with the pain, but she summoned her strength and held the door for Millie, giving her hand a squeeze, and almost envying her mother-in-law. Alicia had watched Ty leave for Afghanistan twice and not known for certain if she’d ever see him again either time. And, except for the few teleconferences he’d managed, she hadn’t seen him again after the second time. So Millie’s words, though they weren’t something she could relate to, touched her. How wonderful it must be to have someone so constant in your life that you always had faith you’d see them again. She wished with all her being that her life with Ty could have been like that.

  And she thought of Liam.

  She turned her mind resolutely away from forbidden territory, helping Millie into the house instead. Penny sat at the kitchen table with Gemma eating cookies with milk. As soon as Gemma saw her mother and grandmother, she flung herself across the room, hugging her grandmother fiercely and glaring at her mother. “I thought you’d never get home.”

  Swallowing hard, Alicia patted her daughter on the head. “Sorry, baby. Did you help Miss Penny with Jason?”

  Gemma nodded. “We gave him a bath.”

  “That must have been an adventure.” Alicia put her purse on the counter, turning to Penny. “Thank you for staying with them.”

  Gemma had stepped away from Millie in the meantime and was looking at her grandmother curiously. “Are you okay, Gramma? Miss Penny says you’re going to spend the night with us.”

  Millie nodded and cleared her throat. “I’m okay, sweetheart. Just very tired.”

  “You can have my room tonight, Millie.” Alicia led her mother-in-law out of the kitchen and down the hall. When Millie started to protest, she shook her head firmly. “No, you need to be comfortable, and I moved Jason into the other bedroom last week. I’ll sleep in there with him on the extra bed.” As soon as she made the offer, she wondered if it would be too difficult for Millie to sleep in the same room she’d shared with Jim for so many years.

  But her mother-in-law didn’t seem to be disturbed by a sense of nostalgia. “Nonsense.” She sounded more like herself. “You’d just have to change the sheets for me. Besides, I don’t mind sleeping in the room with Jason. To tell the truth, I might need the company.”

  Her voice faltered a little and Alicia quickly moved to embrace her. Gemma threw her arms around both of them. “I’ll sleep with you, Gramma!”

  Alicia quickly wiped the tears from her eyes and picked her daughter up. Penny hadn’t told Gemma about her grandfather yet, and the display of empathy her daughter had just shown filled her with pride. “You’re just the sweetest thing, baby.” She hugged the little girl.

  Millie stroked her granddaughter’s hair, kissed her good-night and went into the bedroom. “Is Gramma okay?” Gemma sounded worried.

  “She’s fine, baby.” Alicia hugged her daughter again. “Let’s get you to bed.” She glanced over at Penny, who had started cleaning off the table. “Penny, go on home. You’ve been wonderful and thank you so much, but you need to get home.”

  “I’ll go when I’m done here,” Penny promised. “Go put your baby to bed so you can get some rest.”

  Alicia did as she was told, and by the time she lay down on her own bed, she was exhausted. The bed seemed to rise up to meet her, pushing against the sore spots on her back and neck. She lay still, thinking of Millie down the hall and wondering if she’d fallen asleep yet. She tried not to think of Jim, but her mind turned to him. She remembered the first time she’d met Ty’s parents and how happy she’d been that she liked them. Jim had been so like Ty then. Younger and still vital, running his bookstore and happy with his place in the town.

  She sighed, rolled over and looked at the clock. Her mind drifted to Liam. She should call him. Her heart beat a little faster. She truly should
call him. He would want to know about Jim. She’d already closed her hand on her cell phone when it occurred to her that she really wanted to call him so she could hear his voice.

  And more than that, she wanted to call him so he would come home.

  The realization caused her to drop the cell phone. I can’t do that to him. He’s trying to do the right thing staying away from me. If I call him now, it’ll ruin that. She remembered the longing in his voice. If you were anyone else… She bit her lip and rolled away from the telephone. She couldn’t call him just because she wanted him to come home. He’d want to know about Jim, but maybe he shouldn’t hear it from her. If she called with the news, he’d hear her need for him in her voice.

  Alicia closed her eyes and clenched her hands into fists. After a while, she turned the light back on and picked up the book of poetry Liam had given her. With a sigh, she opened it and began to read.

  * * *

  Her cell phone rang several times over the next few days, and she recognized Liam’s number. Penny had probably called him. If not Penny, then Lulu, who’d taken on the role of informing all the other business owners of Jim’s passing. She missed every call. The first two times her phone was turned off as she helped Millie with funeral arrangements. The third time he called, she heard the ring while she stood outside the bookstore placing a white wreath on the door with a note to her customers that the store would reopen in a week.

  She stepped quickly into the store to check the caller ID screen but stopped short when she saw Liam’s name there. Why was he calling her again? Why wasn’t he already home? She knew she was being unfair, but her grief and loneliness made it impossible to be reasonable. Surely he must know how much she needed him, and it wasn’t as if Chapel Hill were far away. He could drive the thirty minutes easily. Her mind unwillingly turned to Sandra, who was still out of town on business. If not Sandra, perhaps he had found someone else and was unwilling to leave her.

  Alicia shook her head and set the phone back on the counter as the last ring died away. A moment later the message light blinked a red eye at her. She turned resolutely away. She had to get over this obsession or she’d end up calling him back and letting him know how much she wanted him with her.

  * * *

  She read a poem from the poetry book at Jim’s graveside. Tennyson’s timeless “Crossing the Bar” so suited her father-in-law, she hadn’t considered anything else when Millie asked her to say something. Her voice shook just a little when she read, “And may there be no moaning of the bar/When I put out to sea.” Her gaze fell from the page as she finished and she turned to find Millie’s strong embrace waiting for her.

  “Thank you, darling.” Millie kept one arm around her as they walked back to their seats.

  Alicia fought the impulse to scan the crowd for Liam. He’d stopped calling after leaving the one voicemail telling her he would be home as soon as possible, hopefully in time for the funeral. He didn’t make it to the funeral or the house afterward. Evidently his business in Chapel Hill was more important.

  Alicia busied herself the next day getting Millie settled in the house. She’d temporarily moved Jason’s crib back into her room so Millie could have the extra bedroom to herself. She helped her mother-in-law unpack some of her belongings and deal with the straggling visitors. By afternoon, however, she was restless. Lauran and Sean were still hanging around, although for the life of her, she couldn’t tell why. Jason was down for his nap and Millie was teaching Gemma how to play checkers. Alicia wandered into the living room, thinking of the fading wreath on the front door of the bookstore.

  “Honey, why don’t you get some fresh air?” Millie’s voice surprised Alicia and she swung around.

  “I’m fine. Really.” She forced herself to sit next to Millie, taking her mother-in-law’s hand. “Can I do anything for you?”

  Millie shook her head and detached Alicia’s hand. “You need to get out of here before you drive us all batty.”

  Alicia remembered her own overpowering grief after Ty’s death. She’d really only stayed sane for Gemma’s sake, and with Millie’s help. Millie had babysat Gemma for hours while Alicia tried to deal with her anguish. Now, on the death of her own husband, Millie was offering the same steady support. Alicia shook her head in wonder. “How do you do it?” She turned to her mother-in-law. “I’m so lost, just like I was after Ty died. I can’t seem to find a grip on reality. How do you deal with it?”

  Millie paused, looking at the checkerboard. “When you get to be my age you know death is a part of life…but it doesn’t really make it any easier. Don’t think that. I’m just as lost as you are, but how can I rail at fate for taking my husband when it’s already taken my son?” She looked up at Alicia and her eyes betrayed a look of envy. “You’re so young, I suppose it’s not something you can understand.” She waved a hand at Alicia. “Go get a breath of air. Check on the bookstore.”

  Alicia nodded and turned to the door. She couldn’t deny her desire to get out, but she also fought the knowledge that part of it was due to Liam’s absence. She hesitated by Millie’s side, but her mother-in-law gave her a little push. “Go on. I’m fine. I’m in good hands and I’ll call Penny if I need her.”

  “You can call me if you need me.” Alicia touched Millie’s arm. “I won’t be far away.”

  Millie nodded. “You never are, dear. I know that.” She squeezed Alicia’s hand. “I’m fine. Go do what you need to do.”

  * * *

  What exactly was it she needed to do? Alicia entered the bookstore with no real plan in mind. She’d brought Liam’s mother’s book of poetry. It was such a beautiful book, she half wanted to put it on display. She flipped through it in the hopes that reading a verse or two would lighten the burden on her soul, but found it difficult to concentrate. She sighed, leaving the book on the front counter and wandering back through the stacks and shelves to the break room. She flipped the switch on the wall, noticing again the flickering light and thinking vaguely that she’d need to get an electrician out to look at the wiring.

  After checking the messages—mostly sympathy calls—on the machine, Alicia looked out the window and noted how beautiful the afternoon was. She walked out the front door onto the bustling downtown street and turned right toward the Eno River. A short block later, she stood in the small park by the winding red snake of the river. It reminded her of the little creeks near her childhood home where she used to catch crayfish and minnows. She sat on a bench and tried to recapture that childhood thrill of being near nature, but her heart ached for Millie. Maybe I’m feeling sorrier for myself than Millie. Jim had seemed like a link to his son since Ty’s death. Father and son had been so similar, and now the only male left to carry on their legacy was Jason, a tiny baby who would never know his father or his grandfather. Could she be strong enough to pass on to Jason the wonderful qualities of his predecessors?

  Filled with self-doubt, Alicia lowered her face to her hands. She lost track of time, finally raising her head to see dusk had fallen. She sighed and stood, knowing it was time to head home. Millie might truly be enjoying her grandchildren’s company, but she must be exhausted. As Alicia turned, she spotted a familiar figure crossing the playground and her heart skipped a beat. Liam, his brow furrowed with worry, strode across the parking lot and drew her into his arms without hesitation.

  She let herself relax against him, her head on his shoulder, perfectly positioned to breathe in the scent of his aftershave. She closed her eyes, secure at last in his arms, and didn’t question how she came to be there. After several minutes, he drew away, his eyes searching her face. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. Are you okay?”

  She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Between the anguish of losing Jim and the nagging guilt that she shouldn’t be standing there in Liam’s arms, she felt certain her voice would betray something. Instead, she let him pull her against him again, fel
t his hand rubbing a comforting circular pattern on her back, his lips against her hair. When he drew away again, darkness had settled over them like a thick, protective blanket. “Why didn’t you call me?” He stroked her hair back from her face. “You had to know I would want to be with you.”

  “I didn’t want to interfere. You—” She stopped when he put a finger to her lips.

  “Nothing is more important to me.” He looked intently at her. “I’m just sorry I couldn’t get here sooner.”

  As if the darkness were a shield between them and the rest of the world, she remained in his embrace, her gaze held by his, her arms against his chest. No one could see or touch them, and the sensation was oddly freeing. His eyes on hers, he raised a hand to the side of her face, then moved it around to the nape of her neck. She slid her own arms up, letting them rest on his shoulders, waiting for the touch of his lips on hers…

  “Let me take you home.” He brushed a strand of her hair back from her face, his hand lingering just for a moment. He slowly released her and started back toward the street.

  Alicia followed him in silence, confused by too many emotions to pinpoint a single one. His car was parked on the street outside the park. When they reached it, Liam reached around her to open the door, and she noticed an orange glow reflected on the car door. Frowning, she turned and her eyes found the glow shining between the buildings at the same moment that her nose registered the ashy smell of something burning. She stared, a sense of unreality closely followed by alarm filling her. “Liam?”

  He’d already turned toward the glow, and he caught her hand as he started running up the hill. When they rounded the corner, a wall of dark gray smoke engulfed them and Alicia could see an orange glow flickering in the window of the Book Nook. “Shit!” Liam grabbed his phone, dialing 911 as Alicia stood frozen. Fire was visible through the plate-glass window of the store. Orange flames licked up the freshly painted walls, over the wooden bookcases, running burning fingers over the spines of the books she’d carefully placed there. Everything was burning. The last thing she had left of Jim, destroyed. She wanted to sink to her knees, but she remembered the book she’d placed on the front desk when she left. The book of poetry that had belonged to Liam’s mother.