Where the Heart Lies

by Michelle Garren Flye

  “Mr. Liam!” Gemma came racing down the hallway and leapt into his arms. “Can you tuck me in tonight?”

  Alicia opened her mouth, but before she could reply, he said, “Yes.” Firmly. And when she glared at him, he responded with a look that dared her to throw him out.

  “Yay!” Gemma threw her arms around Liam’s neck and tears pricked Alicia’s eyes.

  Amy had loved Liam like that, when she was that age. Maybe more. How could the people who loved Amy most deny her the opportunity to have the love of her father?

  * * *

  Liam read Gemma two stories while Alicia fought to keep her emotions under control. And somehow, as she watched Liam read and listen to her daughter babble, it got easier, until finally she could breathe again without a stab of anger accompanying each inhalation.

  Alicia wandered out into the hall. She checked on Jason, though she didn’t really expect him to be awake, then returned to the living room to find Liam waiting for her, standing by the window. He turned in the semi-dark room. “Okay, you’re angry. But you need to understand how much I love you, and I’m not going to just walk away.”

  Alicia took a deep breath and expelled it, sinking onto the sofa at the same time. “It’s more sadness than anger. For Ty. He had this beautiful daughter that he never knew.” As she spoke, another wave of anger rolled over her. Ty should have known Amy. He should have been given that chance, but Penny—and Liam—had made the decision not to tell him. Incredulous, she looked at Liam. “How could you do that to him?”

  He flinched. “I thought I was doing the right thing. Ty was so great, and he was always looking out for me. I wanted to do something for him. He was so excited about college and Penny could have killed all that. If she’d told him, he would have married her and college would have been out of the question, scholarship or no scholarship. He’d have settled down in Hillsborough and given supporting a family his best shot because that’s the kind of guy he was.”

  Alicia smiled without humor. “I know what kind of guy he was.”

  “I know you do. So you know he would have married Penny and he would have taken care of her and Amy and given up every dream he’d ever had.”

  “Great lot of good his dreams did for him.” Alicia glared at her hands, unwilling to look at Liam. She didn’t add that Liam, albeit unwillingly, had destroyed those dreams himself, but his silence indicated his acceptance of that.

  After a moment, Liam slid his hands over hers, squeezing gently. “But his dreams did do a lot for him. They brought him to you. And you had what? Seven years together? And two beautiful children who he loved. I know my friend died a happy man.”

  She did look at him then. “I wonder.” She stood, taking her hands from his and walking into the kitchen. She poured herself a glass of wine. Feeling reckless, she turned with the glass in her hand.

  He stood in the doorway, his arms folded across his chest, a frown creasing his forehead. Before he could speak, she stopped him, holding up the glass. “Want one?”

  “Every single day of my life.” His answer was flat, unarguable, and she was ashamed of herself. He crossed the room to her side, taking the glass from her hand. She watched as he passed it under his nose, taking a deep breath. “God, that smells good.”

  Horrified by what she’d done, she reached for the glass, but he held it away from her, gazing at the deep gold of the chardonnay with unfeigned admiration. “Don’t.” Her voice wavered. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

  “What? Tempted me?” He laughed. “I’m tempted every day. Some times are worse than others. I just remind myself that I wouldn’t stop at one glass.”

  A soft sound on the porch interrupted them. They turned to see Amy standing just outside. Alicia forgot the wine, crossing the room and throwing open the door. “Amy?” She swallowed past a lump in her throat. “Baby, are you okay?”

  The girl made a sound like a sob and let Alicia pull her into her arms. “Shh. It’s okay.” Alicia stroked her hair, which had the same fine texture as Gemma’s, and drew her into the house. As she settled the girl at the table, she looked at Liam. He still held the glass of wine. She took it from him and turned away. “You need to go.”

  She heard him leave as she sat next to Amy. With her concentration on the girl, she barely felt the twinge in her heart that warned her she’d have second thoughts about his exit later.

  * * *

  After half an hour of crying, Amy was quiet. Alicia made her a cup of tea and sat next to her as she drank it. “Why would she wait until now to tell me, anyway? I mean, I’m leaving in a few days for college.”

  Alicia shifted uncomfortably. “That’s sort of my fault.” When Amy stared at her, she sighed. “I found out. From Liam. Something your mom said to me made me think Liam was your dad, so I confronted him and he told me. I didn’t believe it at first, but your mom confirmed it, and I…I was so angry I told her if she didn’t tell you I would.”

  “Oh.” Amy’s shoulders drooped. “So she didn’t even decide on her own that she should tell me.”

  They sat in silence for several seconds. Finally Alicia said quietly, more for Amy’s sake than Penny’s, “We have to look at it from your mom’s perspective too. She started out keeping the secret from Ty—your dad. By the time you were old enough to ask questions, she was with Liam, and she’d kept the secret for so long, it must have been hard to let go of it. Then your dad married me, and we had Gemma, and maybe it just seemed like the best thing for everybody.”

  “It wasn’t.” Amy glared sullenly into her tea.

  “No.” Alicia shook her head. “No, I don’t think it was, either. But your mom is human.”

  “Yeah, I guess so.” Amy was silent for several minutes.

  Alicia wondered if Penny or Liam had told her about his part in keeping the secret. She couldn’t bring herself to mention it. She wondered what might have happened if Penny had ever told Ty. If she told him after he married me, what would I have done?

  “What about Dr. Addison? How did he know, anyway? And why didn’t he tell me?”

  Alicia saw the hurt in the girl’s eyes. It mirrored what she felt in her own heart. Why didn’t he tell me? But she knew the answer, and though it didn’t change her own hurt, she hoped it would help Amy forgive the man who’d been her only father figure during her childhood. “He knew almost from the beginning. Your mom told him, but he didn’t want her to tell your father. He wanted to protect him, keep him free to live his dreams. Does that make sense?”

  The hurt didn’t fade, but it didn’t change to anger. She’s old enough to understand, Alicia thought. She’s the same age they were when it happened.

  “Yeah, I guess. I mean, I can see how it would have messed things up for my dad if he’d known. And Mom says that even though she loved him, she didn’t think they should be together.” Her voice was very soft, and the sorrow for the father she’d never known was hers broke Alicia’s heart all over again.

  “He would have loved you so much.” She half whispered the words, blinking back the tears. “Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I know he would have cherished you, no matter what happened between him and your mom.”

  She reached across and grasped the girl’s hands and they held tight to each other for a moment. When Amy spoke, her voice was tentative. “I barely remember him. I mean, it’s so weird that I met my father and didn’t even know it. He was just—just a friend of Mom’s. What was he like…really?”

  Alicia relaxed a little. “He was tall and handsome. He was brave and ambitious and he loved us very much. I wish he had known about you.”

  “Yeah. I guess. I always sort of figured Mom would tell me eventually. Maybe there might be a reason she didn’t want me to know. After she and Mark got married, well, Mark’s great and he makes my mom happy, but he isn’t my father.” She snorted. “He’s barely ol
d enough, anyway.” She squeezed Alicia’s hand. “Listen, thanks. I mean it. It was really good to talk to you. I’m going to go, though.”

  “Okay.” Alicia stood with the girl. “Where are you going?”

  “Not home. Not yet.” Amy shook her head. “I’ll spend the night with a friend.”

  “But you’ll go home tomorrow.”

  “Yeah.” Amy nodded and sighed. “I’ll go home tomorrow.”

  * * *

  The soft knock on the back door roused Alicia from a half doze on the couch. She followed the sound into the kitchen and after a quick glance through the curtains, she opened the door.

  “Is Amy here?” Penny’s face looked strained.

  “Not at the moment.” Alicia saw the pain on her friend’s face and relented. “She was here a little while ago, but she left to spend the night with a friend.”

  Penny shot her a look with a tiny bit of gratitude in it. Their eyes met for a second before Alicia looked away. She was in no mood to consider forgiving Penny, though she still hoped Amy would. Penny made an exasperated noise. “You’re just going to keep at it, aren’t you?”

  Startled out of her determined aloofness, Alicia glared at her friend. “Excuse me? Keep at what, exactly?”

  “The whole wounded princess thing.” Penny reached for the screen door handle and jerked it open, pushing past Alicia and into the kitchen.

  “I’m so sorry I offended you by being pissed that you kept such an essential piece of information from my husband.”

  “Exactly.” Penny folded her arms and nodded. “There you go.”

  Alicia threw her arms wide. “What?”

  “Your husband. Ty. He’s the injured party here, you’re just acting on his behalf.”

  Alicia blinked, but refused to let it go at that. “No. Huh-uh. Don’t you turn this around on me. You’re the one who kept this big secret. A secret that affects more people than just you.”

  “You always knew I was keeping a secret and you never seemed to mind before,” Penny pointed out. “And did it ever occur to you that you might owe me for keeping that secret?”

  “Owe you? Owe you what?”

  “How long were you and Ty together? Happily married? Seven years?”

  “Sure, seven years of marital bliss.” Alicia’s voice dripped sarcasm.

  Penny waved it away. “No marriage is totally without problems. The fact remains, you had him. And believe me, you wouldn’t have if I’d told him about Amy.”

  Alicia’s mouth dropped open and she stared at her friend, trying to formulate an answer. Then she shut her mouth sharply and nodded. She couldn’t deny the validity of Penny’s statement. If, at any time before their marriage, Penny had told Ty Amy was his, Ty would have wanted to be with them. Love wouldn’t have entered the equation. Duty came first for Ty and always had. Abrupt tears pricked her eyes and she turned away.

  Catching her arm, Penny pulled Alicia back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. Ty loved you. He adored you. And he and I were never right together. We fought constantly, which is why it didn’t last any longer than it did.”

  Alicia nodded. “Yeah. Right. Obviously there was nothing at all between you.”

  Penny sighed and dropped her hand from the other woman’s arm. “Look, I don’t know what else you want from me. You had Ty. You were the love of his life. And now you’ve got Liam—or you can have him any time you crook your little finger. What more do you want?”

  “World peace.” Alicia turned abruptly to the fridge, pulled out the bottle of wine from earlier and held it up. “And a drink.”

  Penny stared at her for a moment. “Is that an invitation?”

  For answer, Alicia pulled a glass from the cabinet and set it next to hers on the bar. She refreshed her drink and left the bottle of chardonnay sitting next to the other glass. She walked into the living room and waited. The wine tasted good, bringing back her earlier feeling of rebelliousness. Penny joined her a moment later, carrying the bottle. The front door was open, the screen door letting in a cooler evening breeze. Alicia walked over to the picture window looking out on the front yard and street, wondering where Liam was.

  As if she were reading her friend’s mind, Penny spoke up. “So how did you and Liam leave it?”

  Alicia shot her a look. “That’s not really any of your business.”

  “You’re my friend, that makes it my business.” Penny sat on the couch. “Besides, I’ll admit I don’t like seeing Liam get hurt, either. I’m a little worried about him, now that everything’s out in the open. He let himself fall hard for you. I knew this would happen, though. It was just a matter of time before his conscience got the better of him and he told you everything.”

  Which is why you never wanted us together. You were protecting your secret. Alicia turned. “Liam’s not my problem, and I won’t let you make me feel guilty.”

  “Whoa!” Penny held up her hands. “Not trying to do any such thing. I’m just saying I’m concerned. And you need a refill.”

  Alicia watched as Penny refilled her glass. She sipped luscious gold as Penny went back to the couch, setting the bottle on the coffee table as she did so. Alicia returned her gaze to the wine in her glass. “He left when Amy got here. For all I know, he’s back in Chapel Hill. I don’t think he’s planning to come back anytime soon.”

  “He’d come back if you asked him.” Penny’s eyes were innocent.

  “Sure he would.” Alicia sat on a pillow across the coffee table from Penny. “I thought you weren’t in favor of us getting together.”

  “I didn’t want you to get hurt, and I’m sorry, but I didn’t trust Liam to keep my secret. I know him too well. You forget we dated when Amy was young.”

  “No I don’t.” Alicia’s voice was dry. “It hasn’t escaped my attention that the two men I’ve loved were with you first.”

  Penny rolled her eyes. “You need to get past that.”

  “I’ll work on it.” Alicia thought of Ty, tall and rangy, and Penny’s husband Mark, shaved head, muscular shoulders, goatee. Liam’s slightly European, college professor look didn’t really fit with either of them.

  “I never really loved Liam.” Penny sounded thoughtful as she turned the wine bottle so she could see the label. “I don’t think he loved me, either, although he adored Amy. I think it was guilt about the accident that made us stay together for so long. We both felt like we’d ruined Ty’s life. After we broke up…well, let’s just say he’s been around the block. A few times. When he ran out of women in town to date, he started on Chapel Hill. You’ve had plenty of predecessors besides me. Hope you guys used a condom.”

  “Ha. Ha.” Alicia tipped her half-empty glass and turned it slowly, watching the yellow liquid pooling in the side. She felt loose and carefree, as if whatever Penny said to her wouldn’t matter. She took another sip of the wine, the warm buttery flavor filling her throat and insides. Who cared if Liam was gone and not likely to come back? And Ty. The wonderful years they’d had before he died, the ones they’d stolen between deployments, had been so few really. “He died.”

  “What?” Penny looked up from the wine bottle.

  “Ty died.” Tears overflowed her eyes and Alicia dropped the glass on its side, covering her face with her hands as the last of her wine spilled over the table.

  “Jesus!” Alicia heard Penny jump up from the couch and rush to the kitchen for a towel. “What the hell? It’s been more than a year since he died.”

  Alicia shook her head, looking up at Penny as she mopped up the spill. “I told him I was going to leave him, and he died before I bothered to take it back. I’m not sure I wanted to take it back. He was just so damn focused on his duty, it didn’t matter how much he loved me. I know I hurt him.”

  “You didn’t mean it, though.” Penny came around the table,
kneeling beside her friend. “And he knew that, because he knew you loved him too.”

  Alicia shook her head again, tears flying from her eyes to land on the coffee table and carpet. “It doesn’t matter! Don’t you see, it doesn’t matter if I meant it or not. I said it and he died before I took it back.” She laid her head on her arms and cried, Penny beside her, stroking her hair. She reveled in her anguish like a cleansing rainstorm on a dusty day, the last rivulets of regret washing away as her tears finally spent themselves.

  “I’m pregnant.” Penny’s voice was so soft Alicia almost didn’t hear her.

  She raised her head slowly, wiping tears away from her eyes. “You’re what?”

  “Pregnant. As in baby. You know.” Penny looked away.

  “Holy shit.” Alicia was stunned into silence for several seconds, her mouth partway open. She glanced over at the bar and saw the unused wine glass, a silent testament to the truth of her friend’s statement.

  “Yeah, I know, right?” Penny laughed, but just a little. “I mean, I figured I was done. I’m too old to be doing the baby thing again. Hell, I’m about to get rid of my first one, you know?”

  “Were you—were you guys trying?”

  Penny shook her head. “Not really. Not seriously, but I guess we weren’t trying not to, either. I mean, Mark is still young, you know? He’s not even thirty. Do you know what the doctor called me? ‘Advanced maternal age.’”

  “Damn.” Alicia shook her head. “I hope you hit him.”

  Their eyes met and Penny snorted, but Alicia saw the tears in her friend’s eyes and her answering giggles died. Standing on her knees, the carpet pushing against her, she put an arm around Penny’s shoulders and gave her a squeeze. “It’ll be okay.”

  Penny smiled. “I know. I mean, some women don’t start having babies until my age, right? And Mark’s over the moon, so at least I have that.”

  “A good father is worth a lot.” Alicia hoisted herself up onto the couch and pulled her friend up beside her. “There’s not much more that a child could need.”