Wrestling With Desire

by D. H. Starr

  "Yup. I'll see you at lunch." Derek turned and headed towards his pre-calculus class a little more abruptly than he normally would have. He and Beck had most of their classes together this year and he needed to see her. Sitting in the back of the class with her would calm his strained nerves and help him to get his thoughts back in order.

  * * * *

  When Derek got to class, he rushed to Beck's side and sat down in the seat she had reserved for him. "Beck, I need to run something by you, and I need to get it out before you start one of your stories." Beck flashed an indignant look of pure offense. Then her mouth curved up at the sides. "Sure babe. No need to get 16

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  prissy. I know I love to be the center of attention, but every once in a while I am capable of listening to someone else."

  She paused, as if she were waiting for Derek to confirm the statement. When Derek said nothing, she huffed and settled into her seat so she was facing him. "The way you were staring at that new kid today, I bet I only need one guess to know what this will be about."

  Derek let out a chuckle. "You see, Beck, that's what I love about you. You always know what I need to talk about."

  Already, Derek felt more like himself. "Ok, so I just walked him to class and I couldn't shut up. I mean, I was babbling on and on and barely let him get a word in edgewise."

  "Hang on, I want to hear which part of him you are obsessing about right now. Is it those amazing eyes, his crazy sexy hair, his...?"

  "Beck, I said I needed to talk without your interruptions."

  "Right, sorry. Do go on." She flashed him a sheepish grin.

  Derek sighed and rolled his eyes. "Ok, so it was none of those things. We actually talked about wrestling." Beck shook her head. Derek didn't need her to speak to know that she was getting ready to suffer through a sports oriented-conversation, which she occasionally tolerated, but never enjoyed. "So anyway, he wrestled in Iowa and was apparently pretty good. His team elected him captain for his senior year.

  But what got me was the way he was talking about wrestling."

  "What do you mean the way he talked about wrestling?

  You guys all talk about it the same way."

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  "Beck! No interruptions." Derek gave her a half-serious look which told her that he wasn't annoyed but wanted to finish. Beck's face took on a brief look of offense, and then softened as she meaningfully closed her mouth, using her fingers to lock her lips and throw away the key. Derek placed his hand on her arm. "I mean, he gets that wrestling is more than learning new moves and showing everyone how tough you are. He gets that it's also about drawing from within yourself and facing an adversary with courage, head-on."

  Beck never quite understood Derek's passion about the sport, but she did admire his perspective on what it meant to him. Sure, sports helped boys to blow off energy. It made them popular and defined their bodies, something she enjoyed as an effect of athletics for men. But none of the boys talked about sports the way Derek did. She thought it was interesting that this new kid would. "So, what exactly are you asking me, Derek?"

  "Well, let's look at the facts. I just met him, yet immediately felt comfortable telling him things about myself.

  He shares my passion for wrestling and in the same way I do." As he was speaking, Beck noticed that he was becoming more animated and a sparkle was beginning to dance in his eyes.

  "Hey, slow down a minute. What I think is that you need to be careful. You're out to me, but you have been careful to ensure that no one else even suspects that you're gay here at school. You haven't even kissed another boy..."

  "That's not true. I kissed..."

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  Beck cut him off. "Billy Fullan doesn't count. That was in kindergarten and you only kissed him on the cheek because he gave you that retarded transformer you had been dying to get in your McDonald's happy meal box."

  "Hey!" Derek retorted, giggling a bit and realizing she was right, "That transformer rounded out my collection and I would have done anything to have it."

  Rebecca rolled her eyes and stared at him. "May I continue?" Derek remained silent and gave her a demure look through his eyelashes. "Thank you. All I am saying is that you should be careful. You don't know anything about this guy and as long as I've known you, you have been private and guarded. You're one of the most reserved friends I have ever had. I know we live in Cambridge, Massachusetts, liberal center of the universe, but we're also in high school and I would hate to see you ruin your senior year by moving too quickly and letting something out that you may regret later.

  I'm not saying that I don't want you to be happy, because you know I do, but I don't want to see you get hurt either.

  And you hang out with jocks. They aren't notorious for being gay-friendly."

  Derek knew she was right. "Ok, so I'm semi-closeted..."

  Beck's lips thinned into tiny lines. "I mean, I'm only out to you. Is that better?" Beck's lips relaxed into a self-satisfied smile. "So, what do I do with this feeling like I can't wait until lunch to see Scott? How do I prevent myself from being totally obvious or from making an ass out of myself? If this is what it feels like to like someone, how the hell can anyone handle it?"

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  Beck took in Derek's behavior with unusual silence. She had never seen him like this before, with his emotions unhinged. A part of her felt warm and fuzzy. She knew how wonderful Derek was and wanted so badly for him to find someone. Here he was, finally showing interest in someone.

  At the same time, she couldn't help but feel concerned as well. Who is this new guy Scott Thayer and will he be receptive to Derek?

  There was only one way to begin figuring that out. "You said you are having lunch together right? Well, I'm joining you."

  Derek's eyes lit up. "You've just moved into detective mode haven't you?"

  She turned to glance at him and blinked her eyes rapidly.

  "Who me? I have no idea what you are talking about. Today is beef stew day and I certainly don't want to miss the chance to watch a newbie try that toxic waste."

  Derek shoved Beck's shoulder then kissed her cheek.

  "Thanks Beck. You're the best."

  "I know. They don't make them better than me."

  Just then the second bell rang signaling the beginning of class and Ms. Ritter, their pre-calculus teacher, started calling off names from her attendance record.

  [Back to Table of Contents]

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  Chapter 2

  Class dragged as Derek's mind focused on lunch and seeing Scott again. He had crushed on guys plenty of times before, but this was different and it bothered him. The guys he had fantasies about were friends who had girlfriends. They were unattainable and made for good masturbation material.

  But this excitement was different. It was a nervous anticipation that caused him to squirm in his seat, fidget with his pencil, and gaze around the room, most frequently at the clock. Third period science was no different, but finally the bell rang at 11:20. Derek bounded out of his seat, knocking his chair over in the process.

  Beck, who shared Derek's third period class as well, got up and turned to Derek with a look of amused annoyance. "Hon, it's lunch, not a date. You were moving around so much during class, I thought I was going to get motion sickness just sitting next to you. Calm down or you're gonna make an ass of yourself." She smiled a sincere, warm smile and hooked her arm inside his, leading him out of the class. The simple act calmed Derek. He was relieved to have her with him. "By the way, smooth move back there knocking over the chair."

  "Shut it, Beck!" They walked to their lockers in silence, dropped their science books off and grabbed their books for Latin, the class
they shared after lunch. Derek looked down the hall towards Scott's locker, but he wasn't there. "I told 21

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  Scott I'd meet him at the cafeteria. He might already be there."

  "You think he went to the cafeteria for lunch? Good thinking, Derek. Don't know why that idea didn't cross my mind." Derek laughed, his nerves loosening up even more.

  What's wrong with me? I never get like this. He shook off his nerves, trying to rid himself of this unpleasant, new sensation.

  When they arrived at the cafeteria, Scott was waiting for them by the entrance where most of the senior class had already convened and formed a line. Smiling broadly, Derek could feel his gut clench and his knees wobble. Get a fuckin'

  grip. Approaching Scott, Derek was able to take in his full physique. He was taller than Derek and leaner, not quite as athletic, but still nice to look at.

  "Hey Derek. And Rebecca, right?"

  "Yes, but please call me Beck. All my friends do." She placed a hand on his arm to direct him towards the end of the line. "So, how is your first day going?"

  "'S not so bad. The classes seem like they're going to be interesting. No repeat stuff of what I've studied before. That is a problem sometimes when you move around. Different school systems cover things at different times. The teachers seem cool and none of the kids have appeared to be overly interested in staring at the new kid, which is a relief." Scott fell into an easy and comfortable conversation with Beck as if they had been friends for years. Derek admired Scott's complete lack of reserve, something that he himself struggled with.

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  Beck listened attentively, something that Derek was sure required a bit of energy on her part. When there was a brief lull in the conversation, she commented, "So, Derek tells me that you were on your wrestling team in, where was it, Idaho?"

  "Iowa, actually. Yes, I was on the team. Derek was telling me that the team here has been getting pretty good. I hope I have a chance to make the varsity line up. Derek, do you know if the 167 pound weight class is open this year?"

  It took Derek a minute to realize that Scott had asked him a question and then another couple of seconds to register what the actual question was. Come on Derek, don't make a complete ass of yourself on the first day. "Um, the 167 weight class spot was Dylan Chase, who was a senior last year.

  There are a couple of guys on the team who are vying for the spot, but it's open. Once the season begins, coach will begin the process of lining up challenges for the team to secure spots. We don't automatically get our spots each year though.

  We have to earn them through inter-team challenges. I wrestle at the 135 pound weight class and I know for a fact that Bobby Dean is planning on challenging me this year."

  "Cool, we did it that way in Iowa as well. I guess most teams do. But I'm glad that the spot is currently unclaimed because it doesn't help you make friends if you uproot someone who has already had the spot on the team." Scott's mouth curved up in the same crooked grin that Derek had noticed earlier and the sight sent his blood south of the border. If Derek didn't get a grip on himself, this was going to be a very long and embarrassing lunch.

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  Derek's attention was suddenly jerked from studying Scott's profile by a subdued gasp from Beck. "Look at who that cow is having lunch with." She was referring to Malinda.

  "She's sitting with Bryce O'Neill and George Davis." Turning to Scott, she gripped his arm and began to fill him in on the drama. "Bryce and George are in the drama club as well.

  They are constantly vying for the lead male roles. The drama club faculty sponsor, also the drama teacher, tends to look at the chemistry between the students when casting for parts. I think that is totally unfair since casting decisions should be based on whether a person's personality, look, and abilities match the role, not whether two students seem to get along well. Malinda has never eaten with them before. What is she playing at? I swear, if she thinks she's going to steal my thunder in my senior year when I have put up with three years of waiting my turn while upperclassmen came and went, she has got a serious ass-whipping coming her way."

  During her outburst, Beck's normally fair-toned cheeks became cherry red and her typically round, sweet as pie eyes, had become two slits ready to shoot lasers. Oh boy, Derek thought , Scott is getting a taste of Beck in heat, and not the good kind of heat either. Maybe this was a bad idea.

  Scott seemed totally unaffected by her outburst. In fact, a sly smile crossed his lips as he turned to look where Beck was glaring.

  "Is that who you are talking about over there? That girl with the stringy, unfortunate, shoulder-length hair with the two guys sitting directly across from each other?"

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  "Yes, that is the harpy I am talking about. Why?" Beck's tone was sour and cutting.

  "And you say that you think she is trying to get in good with, what are their names again?" Scott asked.

  "Bryce and George" she replied acidly.

  "And you say that your drama teacher tends to cast people based on their chemistry rather than their appropriateness for the role? Something which I have to say is seriously fucked up." Derek wasn't sure where Scott was going with this, but he noticed that Beck's shoulders, which had nearly been squeezing her ears in tension, had lowered a bit.

  "Yes," she said with only a hint of venom remaining in her voice.

  "Well, I don't think you have anything to worry about then." He said confidently, staring Beck directly in the eyes.

  Beck blinked, opened her mouth as if to protest, closed it, then asked, "Huh? Why do you say that?"

  Scott laughed, showing his shining pearly whites and Derek was sure he saw an actual dance of light cross his Caribbean blue-green eyes. "Well, if you look closely, that girl, Harpy was it?"

  Beck laughed, "Malinda. What about her?"

  "Well, she is talking non-stop at them. Look at Bryce and George; they are giving each other side-glances, which, if I'm not mistaken, look like they would rather be chewing on glass than listening to that girl. That means they are either annoyed by her personally, annoyed by her intrusion on their lunch, or both." Scott gave Beck a moment to assess his 25

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  observation and then asked, "So, which do you think it is?

  Annoyed by her or annoyed by her intrusion?"

  Beck turned to Scott, surveyed him for a moment, then replied, "Both I think. You are quite the observer aren't you?

  You picked all of that up from a one-minute glance at them?"

  "Like I said, I'm used to being a new guy. It teaches you to read people pretty quickly and accurately. I would bet you that in a week she either gives up eating with them or they begin to have conversations with each other and tune her out completely. Either way, it will only help your chances of beating the bitch when you audition for roles this year." Scott crossed his arms over his chest and nodded his head, then refocused on Beck. His assessment of the situation was complete. Derek was awestruck.

  Beck slid her arm around Derek and drew him in close so they were both facing Scott. Derek noticed that Scott's eyes briefly glanced at her arm around his waist and then back to Beck. "I love him!" She hooked her arm inside Scott's and led both boys into the cafeteria. "You are definitely a keeper.

  Let's hurry and get the delicious beef stew. I can't wait for you to try it."

  Scott laughed and Derek shook his head. "I already told him the stuff was poison, Beck."

  Beck blushed, "Oh, whoops. Nothing personal, Scott, it's just fun to watch the reactions of those who have never had the pleasure of eating the stuff before. Since you are forewarned, I would go for the mac and cheese or for a sandwich. The beef stew really is toxic."

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  Wrestling With Desire

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  Scott thanked her for the suggestion as they entered the kitchen area of the cafeteria to buy their lunches. Once seated, Derek next to Beck and both of them across the table from Scott, Derek settled in to observing the two of them as Beck prattled on about the various students in the room, the winter musical, and her happiness that she was finally at the top of the food chain in the drama club. Scott seemed genuinely interested, asking question after question, which kept her babbling on for the duration of lunch. Every once in a while, he would glance over at Derek with a short chuckle at something Beck had said, and then return his attention to her.

  Derek watched the two as they got to know one another. It was the first time all day that he actually felt like himself. It was most likely because he was able to fall into his comfort zone of observing while others did the bulk of the talking.

  Since he knew Beck so well, he could spend his time observing Scott. He was a charmer, chuckling when she was relating some of the more embarrassing stories about their classmates or responding with a No or Shut up when she revealed people's secrets. He maintained direct eye contact with her while she spoke, not allowing his attention to wander around the room and take in what others were doing. This was a skill that Derek had not been able to perfect, mostly because he was so keen on observing others and getting a feel for the whole room so as to know the appropriate response in various situations.

  Occasionally, Derek made comments to embellish on points Beck had missed or to cut her off with a jab of his 27

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  elbow if she was about to reveal something that was better left unsaid. Talking about the trip they took to Six Flags that summer when Derek had to practically beg her to stop at a service area on Interstate 95 so he could go to the bathroom was one such moment. When he nudged her, she let out a short gasp and said, " What? You were desperate for me to stop and I wanted to go another 20 miles so we could get through the New York/New Jersey border. You know how the traffic gets there."