Wrestling With Desire

by D. H. Starr

  "Yes, but I am sure that Scott doesn't need to hear about this during lunch. Perhaps it would be a more appropriate topic of conversation during, oh, say, never."

  Beck stuck her tongue out at Derek then turned to Scott and said, "Sorry. He gets all embarrassed when I tell stories about him."

  Scott smiled, revealing his delicious dimple. "No worries. I just count myself lucky that my friends from Iowa aren't here to reveal some of my more sordid moments." When Beck directed a scowling look at the table with Malinda, Bryce, and George, Scott looked Derek directly in the eyes and winked at him, turning back to Beck just as she returned her attention to their table. The moment sent chills up Derek's spine. In one small action, Scott had revealed that he understood that Beck had embarrassed him, that it was no big deal, and that he was amused by her antics. It was also the first time a guy had winked at him before. I can't believe how much I like this guy.

  When the bell indicating the end of lunch rang, Derek was startled from his thoughts and realized he had been staring at 28

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  Scott. Derek mentally slapped himself for allowing the lapse in control. "Uh, can I take a look at your schedule?" Scott handed it over and Derek busied himself reading through it.

  "You have French after lunch. That class is downstairs at the end of the hallway to the right. Then you have study hall which is located next to the library. History with Mr. Sellen. I have that class too. That is actually located near our lockers.

  Want to meet up before that class?"

  "Sure. Let's meet at your locker."

  Before leaving, Beck walked up to Scott and gave him a hug. "You're terrific. I'm so glad that you came to join us here at Brampton. I know it sucks to have to start over in your senior year, but we'll make sure you have a senior year you won't forget. I promise." With that, Beck and Scott headed towards Latin and Scott left to go to his French class.

  * * * *

  Once settled in the back row of Latin, Derek turned to Beck. "So, he's great, right?" When Beck turned to face him, he could see immediately that Beck looked concerned. " What? "

  "Yes, he's fantastic. He's outgoing and friendly and I absolutely worship him for his recognition that Malinda is a witch from Hell who should be burned at the stake." Derek cocked his head and raised his eyebrows as he looked at Beck. "Ok, well maybe he didn't say those words exactly, but he implied it. Anyway, I have never seen you become so immediately fixated on someone before. You don't know anything about this guy except that he's nice."

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  "And cute." Beck bit her bottom lip, clearly trying to hold her comments in. "What?"

  "It's just that I'm worried. Promise me you will be careful."

  Derek sat back in his seat, a slight frown crossing his face.

  Beck melted at the sight. "Look, I'm happy that you like him.

  Just get to know him a little bit before you go all head-over-heels. That's all I'm saying."

  Derek looked at Beck with complete seriousness. Having Beck behind him wasn't just something he wanted. It was something he needed. If Beck didn't support him then he wouldn't have the courage to even try to find out more about Scott. "Beck, please be with me on this. Please be happy for me. I've known everyone here since elementary school and not once have I had feelings like I am right now. Sure, I've had crushes, but this is different. I want to get to know him in person, not just in my fantasies."

  Beck's eyes widened and began to glisten with tears.

  "Derek. I'm always on your side. You never have to question that." A tear escaped her eye and Derek reached out to wipe it away. "Don't over think this. It's not like you don't know how to make friends. You're one of the most likable people in the school. You're nice to everyone. Just don't let your imagination create things that aren't there. You are so good at reading people and situations. Rely on that and give yourself time to figure him out."

  The teacher entered the room and Beck opened her notebook and wrote the date at the top of the page. "Just remember, you have been here all these years and have never met anyone else who is openly gay, or secretly gay for 30

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  that matter. The chance that this new guy is gay and that he is the man of your dreams is highly unlikely. I would hate to see you put yourself in a position to get hurt. But, I am happy to see that someone has finally come along who has created a spark in you. I wasn't sure that spark existed."

  As class began, Derek let Beck's words sink in. It made sense that she would want him to be careful. He had spent his entire school career making sure that he never did or said anything that cast him in a negative light. Whenever there was something unknown, he always proceeded with caution. I can handle this. This is no different than any other situation I have faced. Derek opened his notebook and wrote his name and date on the top of the page. As the teacher took attendance and began to write a few notes on the board, his mind wandered to Scott. He pictured his smile, slightly lopsided and accentuated by that cute little dimple. He pictured those sea-blue eyes. Yeah, right. Fat chance this is no different. This is completely different.

  As Ms. Dhillon, their Latin teacher, reviewed the syllabus for the year, Derek started doodling in his notebook. As he continued to think of Scott, he became more and more stressed, wondering how he could manage to keep himself reined in until he knew more about him. If he could just behave like he always did, things would work out like they always had. But how do I get to know him and keep my head screwed on straight at the same time?

  Considering what he knew so far, Derek began to create a checklist of things he could do to get to know Scott without being obvious. Scott wrestled so he could introduce him to 31

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  the other guys on the team, but he wouldn't be able to figure out if Scott was gay if they spent all their time around the guys on the team. Maybe he could pretend that he didn't understand the history content and ask to be Scott's study partner. No way. That is pretending to be something that I'm not and I don't do that. Racking his brain, reviewing the few things they had spoken about after first period and during lunch, Derek couldn't think of anything else that the two of them had in common.

  Feeling frustrated, he looked down at his doodles and saw that he was drawing pictures of the bridges along the Charles River which ran past the school and connected Cambridge to Boston and the adjoining towns to the west. Running would be a good way to calm my nerves and maybe then I can come up with a plan to get to know Scott. Suddenly it came to him. He would invite Scott to run with him. It was perfect.

  He ran to get in shape for wrestling and was sure that Scott would be happy to join him. It was something they could do alone, but it wasn't something that could possibly be mistaken as anything but a friendly gesture. He looked around the room to make sure no one was watching, then took his cell phone out of his pocket and flipped it open under the desk and sent a text to Beck. Running after school. Will ask S to join me.

  A few seconds later, his phone vibrated in his hand. What, R we in 2nd grade? So what? You always run.

  Derek shot her an exasperated look. Don't B a bitch. I can spend time w/ him without being obvious.

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  Beck glared at him. Don't get mad @ me. Ur plan sounds good.

  With Beck's approval, he spent the rest of Latin thinking of the best way to ask Scott to go running with him without sounding stupid. Once again, class dragged and the same restless feeling from before lunch plagued him until the bell rang.

  Sixth period study hall was no better. Study hall was required for all lowerclassmen, but only for upperclassmen that were failing or getting a D in a subject. Since it was the first day of school and there was no study hall, Derek decided to head out to the footbal
l field bleachers to take in the sun.

  When he stepped outside, the fresh air helped to clear his mind and when he got to the bleachers, he found several members of the wrestling team. Bonus! He headed over to them, happy for the distraction. Josh Dibbling, the team's captain, Sean Roberts, Nick "the Power" Bower, and Frank Greening were in the middle of a heated conversation.

  "Allistaire High in Lexington lost three of its varsity members last year, so they shouldn't be as strong this year,"

  Josh said. "But the team I'm worried about is Birmington in Waltham. Those guys have been together as long as we have and they beat us soundly last year. It's gonna take a lot of work and practice for us to be able to bring them down."

  Nick "the Power" Bower, so named because he had been the team's heavyweight for the past three years of high school and had never lost a match, spit out sunflower seed shells, spraying several of them on his chin and the front of his shirt. "Well, I've kicked their heavyweight's ass for the 33

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  past three years so that's one guy down," he said, wiping the clinging seeds away with the back of his hand.

  "It's Dylan's position I'm worried about," said Josh. "He was fucking unbeatable and 167 is always a tough weight class."

  Sean Roberts chimed in. "Well, I went to wrestling camp for two weeks this summer and learned a bunch of awesome shit. I'm gonna beat Phil Hamford for the 167 weight class spot and that Waltham pussy better watch out." Josh and Power exchanged a glance, and then nodded, although neither of them seemed convinced.

  "Hey guys" Derek chimed in, "Talking about Dylan's spot huh?"

  "Thompson!" They all turned and smiled as he joined the group. "How the hell are you? We missed you this morning after Beck dragged you off with her."

  Power chimed in with his classic charm, "You hit any of that this summer?"

  Derek rolled his eyes. Fuckin' Power. Without fail, their interest in his involvement with girls would come up in conversation and it always put him on edge. "Naw, she went away a lot with her parents and when she was here, she took those acting classes at Cambridge Community."

  Derek turned to Power and gave him a meaningful glance.

  "I hit the weights a lot this summer to keep up my strength and ran quite a bit to keep the weight down." He then turned to face the rest of the group. "I'm feeling good about this season. Barney Hanger from Waltham won't be able to out strength me this year and Fred from Lexington graduated."

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  "Yeah? That's great." Power held Derek's stare for an extended moment before turning back to the topic of the 167

  weight class position. "Sean here says he has the 167 weight class spot locked in. Maybe we should put down bets to see whether Sean really has what it takes to beat out Phil." Power laughed and punched Sean in the shoulder. From the wince that crossed Sean's face, it seemed that the punch was harder than a friendly knock.

  As much as Derek loved wrestling, he had forgotten how much he disliked the ribbing the team gave each other. "You guys know I won't bet against members of the team.

  Whoever wins the spot wins." Derek shifted where he was standing. This wasn't turning into a nice distraction at all.

  Deciding to shift the focus in a more positive direction, he decided to mention Scott. "Did any of you guys notice the new guy this morning? He was in my first period English class and I was assigned to show him around today. Turns out he was a pretty good wrestler in Iowa. He wrestled at the 167

  pound weight class." Sean's head snapped up and Derek realized that this was not what Sean wanted to hear. He regretted having brought up Scott as soon as had spoken.

  Power immediately seized upon the opportunity to razz Sean. "Hold the phone, you mean we have three guys competing for the 167 weight class? Sean, I hope that wrestling camp was worth it." Sean smiled weakly, but it was clear that he was deep in thought, most likely worrying about this unknown competitor.

  Josh was genuinely interested. "No kidding. Iowa huh?

  Wrestling is huge out there and kids from the Midwest get 35

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  tons of wrestling scholarships to the best Division 1 colleges."

  Turning to the rest of the group, Josh flashed his captain's smile. "This might turn out to be our year boys."

  "Yeah, I know," Derek said. "You guys should meet him and make him feel welcome before the season starts. Even if he doesn't take the weight class," he shot Sean a conciliatory glance, "he will still be on the team."

  "Good idea, Thompson. That's what I like about you.

  Always thinking of ways to build team spirit and morale.

  Sometimes I think they should have elected you team captain." Derek knew that Josh was full of shit, but it didn't matter. Derek wasn't interested in being captain. All he really cared about was wrestling and keeping the peace on the team.

  There was a lull in the conversation, everyone just sitting there thinking, but not talking and it made Derek uncomfortable. Luckily the bell for seventh period rang and the guys got up from the bleachers and headed towards their last period class. "Catch you guys later," Derek said, and headed toward the side entrance that was nearest the stairs to his locker.

  * * * *

  Derek made his way to his locker, stopping briefly to say hello to a few friends he had not seen yet. His breath caught in his chest when he turned the corner of the hall where his locker was. Scott was leaning against his locker, one foot crossed over the other, casually looking around. His arm was raised and hooked behind his head and Derek noticed that 36

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  Scott's bicep filled out the upper part of his sleeve to the point of stretching the fabric. The bottom of his shirt lifted a few inches from the waist of his pants, revealing smooth, tanned flesh. His stomach muscle was clearly visible, creating an inviting v-angle leading Derek's eye towards his crotch where a thin line of blonde hair trailed from the top button of his pants and was hidden by his shirt about an inch below his navel. With effort, Derek dragged his attention away from the magnetic pull of Scott's sensuous midsection and looked at his face. His breath caught once again, but this time heat raced up his spine and into his neck and cheeks. Scott was looking directly at him, a smile on his face. Busted.

  If Scott noticed that Derek had been staring at him, he didn't show it. "Hey Derek. I figured I would wait by your locker since I got here first. History is just down the hall right?"

  "Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. It's down the hall on the right. We better get there quick if we want to get seats in the back."

  "Why do you like to sit in the back so much?" Scott inquired.

  "I don't know actually. It's just something Beck and I started doing in 9th grade and it stuck."

  "Beck is some cool shit. A bit of a talker and certainly dramatic, but fun. I imagine you two have had a lot of laughs together over the years." There was a questioning edge to Scott's voice. "I bet there are tons of stories you two could tell."

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  "Yeah, Beck is awesome. We've been friends since kindergarten." Thinking of Beck had a soothing effect on Derek and he felt his nerves begin to settle.

  "So, you two are really close." Again, Scott's tone seemed inquisitive and he was staring at Derek. "You seem totally comfortable together." Scott's eyes were peering directly at Derek and did not waver after he asked the question.

  "Yeah. Beck and I are really close."

  Scott was peering directly at Derek with unwavering eyes.

  He stood there, looking at him for a moment, then his features seemed to relax and he sighed. "So, are you two an item? You know, like a couple?" The hallway was not well lit, but even in the dim light, Derek could see a slight pinking of Scott's cheeks after he asked the question.

 
"Me and Beck?" Derek felt a rush of excitement. He wants to know if Beck and I are a couple. His excitement was interrupted by Beck's warning words from earlier in the day.

  Be careful Derek. Don't let your imagination create things that aren't actually there. Derek swallowed, his emotions roiling up and down inside him. "An item? No. We are super close though. She knows everything about me and vice versa."

  Scott maintained eye contact with Derek for one more moment, and then shifted his attention to the books in his arms. "Well, she's great. You are lucky to have such a good friend." Scott nodded his head towards their history class.

  "Shall we grab seats then?"

  "Yeah, definitely." Derek felt flustered and his nerves began to rise again. He hadn't expected Scott to ask if he and Beck were a couple. "Listen." Derek said, wanting to deflect 38

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  conversation away from speaking about him and Beck.

  "During study hall, I met up with a few guys from the team and told them about you. They want to meet you. Sean wasn't too psyched. He's one of the guys who is competing for your weight class. But the rest of the guys were. Maybe we could have lunch with them tomorrow."

  Scott's eyes lit up. "Wow! That was really great of you. I appreciate it, really. I'd love to meet the guys on the team."

  Derek felt a mix of pleasure that Scott was so happy with him and dismay that he was no closer to asking Scott to go running with him.

  "Not a problem." Derek felt the heaviness in his chest from earlier in the day return. What the hell is that feeling anyways? Just ask him already. He took a deep breath.

  "Remember I told you I run a lot during the fall season to get in shape for wrestling? Well I was planning on going for a run after school today and was wondering if you wanted to join me." Derek's pulse began to beat in his throat as he waited for Scott's reply.