Wrestling With Desire

by D. H. Starr

  Sitting back to lean against his headboard he looked at his mother. "Does Dad know? Have you talked about this with him?"

  She smiled. "No, I don't think so. Men aren't as observant as women. Even a man as wonderful as your father has his limitations. Men see what they want to and can create explanations for things they don't quite understand to make them fit the picture they want to see. But, when you are ready, you should tell your father. I can be with you when you do. Like I said, we will grow with this as a family and we 297

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  will all continue to love one another. Remember Derek, just like with me. Your father will never stop loving you."

  Derek contemplated her words then let out a huge yawn.

  "I'm completely drained."

  She smiled and stood up. "Why don't you lie down and rest. I'll come and get you when dinner is ready."

  Derek lay back, replaying the conversation with his mother. Ever since he had come out to himself and to Beck, his greatest fear had been telling his parents. They loved him, but he wondered if they would become uncomfortable or distant. It had forced him to keep secrets and was when he began to pay attention to the guard he always kept up.

  This conversation bore no resemblance to the one from his imagination. He always thought he would be the one to tell his parents, sitting them down and making a grand proclamation which would then send them reeling into tears and confusion. He had never anticipated coming out would be something that was initiated by his mother.

  Rather than forcing a wedge between him and his mother, the conversation had brought them closer. Knowing he had underestimated his mother caused a wave of guilt to sweep over him as more tears streamed down the sides of his face and onto his pillow.

  After a few minutes, his tears dried and the lump in his throat dissipated. He stared at the ceiling and turned his attention inwards. Everything was still ok. The world hadn't burst out in flames. His relief was magnified when he realized he had been holding in a tremendous amount of stress for a 298

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  long time. The big secret was out and his mother still loved him unconditionally.

  The smile that pulled at the corners of Derek's mouth caused his cheek muscles to strain. His life had changed dramatically this year and he had opened up to experiences he had spent a lifetime hiding from. He drifted into a restful nap proud that he had come out the other side, maybe a bit bruised, but in perfect working order.

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  Chapter 19

  No longer carrying the weight of his troubles on his shoulders, Derek looked toward the division championship with excitement. He knew he could win, and now, with a clear mind, he could focus on wrestling without distraction. The only thing that would make this perfect is if Scott were here to share this moment with me.

  The school buzzed with the excitement of the upcoming tournament. Flyers appeared on walls, the wrestling team was bombarded with good wishes, and classes were interrupted by daily announcements counting down the days to Saturday. The school even rented a shuttle to run back and forth between Brampton and Newton High, where division would be taking place.

  Despite the chaos and excitement around him, Derek remained calm and confident. So much had happened in the past two days to change his outlook on everything. He had spent so much time maintaining a cool exterior and bottling up his feelings that the only thing he was able to do was concentrate on wrestling. His new sense of lightness made him want to skip through school. Of course, his natural tendency to avoid behavior that would draw attention to him hadn't changed. That would probably never change, but he finally understood that using his guard was good, as long as he struck the right balance between risk taking and reserve.

  The only lingering distraction that kept Derek from being completely happy was Scott. It became increasingly difficult 300

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  to draw his attention away from Scott in the English and history classes they shared. Each time he peered into those blue-green eyes, he couldn't shake his regret at Scott's pain, evidenced by his slumped posture and the dark circles under his eyes. Derek tried to summon the courage to talk to him several times during the week, but couldn't bring himself to do it.

  At Friday's practice before the division championship tournament, Coach sat the team on the mat. "Today will be a short practice. I've spoken to your teachers and you've been excused from your weekend homework. Please don't make a big deal out of this because it isn't fair to the other students and won't help the other coaches to negotiate special treatment for their teams when they are in a position to win a championship. Today we'll just warm up and practice basic moves. Our journey together has built team spirit. Each of you plays an important role in the overall success of our team, but for the next two days, you need to focus on your own matches. You need to dig deep and make a decision...are you a champion or not? I already know the answer, but my opinion doesn't matter when you're on the mat. Good luck and I'm proud of you."

  On Saturday morning, the team gathered in the athletic building parking lot at 7:00 AM to board their regular bus.

  The shuttle bus was already packed with students. When they arrived at Newton High thirty minutes later, they were amazed by the sheer size of the auditorium. Eight wrestling mats covered the center of the room surrounded on all sides 301

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  by bleachers. The sixteen schools with the best overall records from the regular season were competing.

  One of the refs walked to the center of the auditorium with a microphone, calling for the crowd's attention. "Before we begin the first round today, I would like to explain how the next two days will commence. Today will consist of two rounds. In the first round, sixteen wrestlers in each weight class will be reduced to eight. In the second round, those eight wrestlers will be reduced to four. Tomorrow there will be three rounds. The first will be semi-finals. Next, the wrestlers who do not win will wrestle to secure third and fourth place for their weight class. The finals will take place last, determining the champions. Once the top four places at each weight class are determined, team points will be tallied. First place wrestlers earn four team points, second place wrestlers earn three team points, and so on. The schools with the top three overall team scores will be recognized. The champions will receive a school trophy and banner. I want to wish everyone good luck."

  By the end of the day, seven of the eleven wrestlers on the Brampton team progressed to the semi-final round: two wrestlers in the lower weight classes along with Derek, Frank, Scott, Josh, and Power. Only five wrestlers from the Lexington team moved on along with eight wrestlers from the Waltham team. Waltham held the advantage because they had more players guaranteed to earn team points, no matter whether they came in first or fourth. To win, most of the Brampton wrestlers would have to come in first or second in their weight class.

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  The sun was still high in the sky when Derek got home.

  Restless and excited he decided to go for a run. He would only hurt himself and his team if he allowed his nerves to get the best of him. Heading towards the river, he began thinking about wrestling, but pushed his thoughts aside.

  At the Foot Bridge, he stopped and leaned against the railing, looking down over the water. It seemed angry, creating small whirlpools where it rushed past the cement legs. This water wanted to flow and nothing was going to stop it. A few feet past the bridge, the whirlpools reintegrated and the water's surface returned to one mass of raging, tumultuous motion.

  Derek wondered what the water would say if it could speak. I'm going to get where I'm heading. A temporary obstacle is not going to stop me. If someone told t
he water it could no longer flow, it would have laughed and continued its journey, only mildly hindered from its goal.

  An image of Scott entered his mind and, along with his observation of the water, something clicked into place. Scott was the water and the bridge legs were the obstacles he had faced. Mr. Thayer was just a bridge leg. Derek laughed at the image, but only for a moment. Mr. Thayer may be the bridge leg, but Scott hasn't found his way around him yet. He was still an obstacle that kept Scott from being the person he was meant to be: a happy and daring person; a person who rose above the stresses which caused most people to freeze; a person who appreciated the things others never noticed.

  Derek wanted Scott to find his way around this bridge leg, his 303

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  father, and get back to the roaring flow of continuing his journey downstream. But what can I do to help him?

  * * * *

  The next day the whole team showed up at the athletic building for the ride to Newton High. The auditorium was much less crowded than the previous day. Most of the wrestlers who had not advanced to semi-finals and a few of the schools which had been completely eliminated chose not to come. A partition had been erected to split the auditorium in half with two mats on either side. This gave spectators more room to crowd around and watch the final matches of the tournament. One of the two Brampton wrestlers in the lower weight classes made it to the finals. Derek won his match fairly quickly. Frank's match took a bit more time, but he won as well.

  The team crowded around to the mat to support Scott when his name was called. Scott walked out onto the mat. His opponent was Fred Master, a wrestler from the Newton High team. Scott and Fred took neutral position in the center of the mat, shook hands, and began wrestling.

  The match started out well. Scott shot forward, grabbing Fred's leg, and dropped him to the mat scoring two points for the takedown. He secured a hold on Fred and rolled him to his back, earning three more points for back exposure. Fred managed to arch off his back and roll to his stomach. The remainder of the period consisted of Scott attempting to get more back points.

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  Scott led five to zero entering the second period. Fred knelt in referee's position on the mat with Scott on top of him. The whistle blew, and Fred executed a picture perfect reversal, gaining the top position and earning two points.

  Scott struggled to regain control of the match, but each time he stepped up to try to escape, Fred would bring him back down to the mat. Finally, Scott managed to escape, earning one point, but Fred immediately shot to Scott's legs and took him down once again, earning two points for the takedown. It surprised Derek how evenly matched the two were since Scott had defeated Fred easily during the season. Fred grabbed Scott's arm and Scott lost his balance and fell to his side.

  Seizing the opportunity, Fred secured a half-nelson hold and rolled Scott to his back, earning three back points. Fred squeezed, pushing both of Scott's shoulders to the mat. The ref started counting, but Scott arched onto his head and turned to his stomach. The fifteen seconds remaining in the second period dragged on unmercifully, but finally the buzzer rang. The score was now seven to six with Fred in the lead.

  Scott looked tired when he took his position to begin the third period. Derek summoned a lungful of air and shouted above the crowd and his teammates. "Scott, come on! You can do this! Dig deep!" Scott looked up and locked eyes with Derek before kneeling down to his starting position. "You're awesome Scott! Finish this match. Think of the Foot Bridge!"

  Through his peripheral vision, he sensed some of his teammates turn to stare at him but he didn't care. All he cared about was Scott making it to the finals. Not because he 305

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  wanted the team points, but because he wanted Scott to finally overcome the obstacles he had been facing.

  Scott bit his bottom lip, still looking at Derek, and then nodded his head. Taking his position, the ref blew the whistle and the third period began.

  The shift was clear as day. Something had turned on inside Scott. Quickly reversing Fred, Scott earned two points. He shot his arms across Fred's body, using his weight to knock Fred onto his side. Fred struggled back to a kneeling position, but each time he did, Scott knocked him back down. This continued for a minute and a half of the two-minute period; Fred fighting to a kneeling position and Scott knocking him back down. With twenty seconds left, determination set in Scott's face. He drove Fred down to the mat, gritted his teeth, and squinted his eyes in a look of pure fight. He dug his feet into the mat, pushing all of his body weight against Fred and slowly worked his arm around Fred's head to secure a half-nelson hold. With ten seconds left on the clock, Scott slowly rolled Fred onto his back. Scott couldn't secure both of Fred's shoulders to the mat, but he did earn three back points. The buzzer rang and Derek jumped to his feet, cheering louder than anyone else. Scott and Fred shook hands and the ref raised Scott's hand as the winner. He had won eleven to seven.

  Scott walked off the mat panting and sweating, but clearly pleased. The team made a path, patting him as he passed by.

  He headed to the outskirts of the room to cool down, his chest heaving from the effort of his match. Shannon and Derek's parents walked over to Scott and congratulated him.

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  Derek wanted to walk over as well, but the silence between them had gone on for so long he didn't know whether Scott would welcome him. Deciding he didn't care if he got rejected, he grabbed Scott's towel, water bottle, and sweatshirt, and walked over to where Scott, Shannon, and his parents were standing. "Great ninth inning push.

  Congratulations!"

  Scott smiled, his lopsided grin spreading across his face.

  Derek hadn't seen that smile in over a month. His blood rushed south and he was glad he had put jeans on over his singlet.

  "I didn't think I was going to be able to do it, but when you said all that stuff before the third period I...I don't know...I knew I would win." He peered directly into Derek's eyes, pausing for a moment before speaking. "I appreciate it.

  I needed a kick in the ass. Oops, sorry Mom."

  Shannon laughed and placed an arm around his shoulder.

  "I think I have used the term once or twice in my life." She wrinkled her nose and sniffed a few times. "I forgot how bad you smell after your matches." She removed her arm but remained by his side.

  Scott turned crimson. "Mom, oh my God, I can't believe you said that."

  Shannon turned beet red. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

  Scott shook his head. "You didn't hurt my feelings. You embarrassed the hell out of me."

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  Derek's mom laughed, making an exaggerated show of leaning over to take a whiff of Derek and exclaiming that he too smelled rather unpleasant.

  Derek gave her a glare, handing the towel and water bottle to Scott. "You want to go into the hallway to cool off? The air is much cooler outside of the auditorium."

  Scott nodded as he took the towel and dried his skin, still covered with a sheen of sweat, then got up and followed Derek out of the auditorium. The air was at least fifteen degrees cooler in the hallway and Scott shivered. "I grabbed your sweatshirt too. Here."

  When Scott took the sweatshirt from Derek, their fingers brushed together. Putting the sweatshirt on, he glanced at Derek. "Thanks." His voice was quiet, unsure.

  A number of wrestlers, student spectators, and parents roamed the halls focusing on their next wrestling match or speculating about whether they thought Cambridge or Waltham would win division. Derek wanted to be alone with Scott. "Come on, let's go upstairs and find somewhere private we can talk." Scott followed Derek up a set of stairs at the end of the hallway. Alone on the secon
d floor, they stood silently facing one another in a hallway lined with lockers on one side and windows on the other.

  Derek sat on a window ledge which was deep enough so it could also serve as a bench. His pulse quickened as he searched for the courage to begin speaking. "Scott, I wanted to talk to you. Actually, I have been wanting to talk to you all week, but I've been...afraid."

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  Scott faced him and Derek could sense the guilt beneath the surface. "I'm sorry. I don't want you to be afraid to talk to me."

  "I was afraid you would tell me to leave you alone, or to go to hell or something." Derek fiddled with his hands which were resting in his lap. When he looked up, Scott's expression had shifted from guilt to sadness. Derek took a deep breath and continued. "Yesterday, after I got home, I went for a run.

  I stopped on the Foot Bridge and realized a few things." I realized that I still love you but am willing to put my feelings aside if it's what you need from me. I realized you are the most incredible person I have ever met and I hate that your father has had such a horrible effect on you. He wanted to say these things, but they would only distract from what he really wanted to say. "I wanted to apologize to you." Scott's eyes widened and he began to protest, but Derek pushed on.

  "I was being completely selfish and unfair pushing you into talking with your parents about going out. I wanted to spend time with you and didn't consider your needs. I was supposed to be someone who relieved your troubles, not someone who added to them."

  Scott started to speak again, but Derek cut him off. "No, please, let me get this off my chest." Scott fell silent. "I can't imagine what it must have been like for you to have to move around so much. When I met you at the beginning of the year you were brave, self-assured, and lighthearted. You brought things out in me that I had kept locked away and I liked it.